Patk

Hi Everyone,

I know I should be posting this in the Steps Section, but wanted to try and elicit as much feedback as possible. I made a financial amend last year when I returned to Canada for vacation (I live in Japan). I listen to a lot of the AA speaker tapes and am always interested to know how others went about completing Step 9. One speaker talked about how he had killed someone and after he was released from prison years later did not know how to make an amend to someone he killed, as well as to the family since he could not locate them. The sponsor he had suggested he make the amend by visiting an orphanage or something like that to help others...In my case there are others whom I know I have harmed (not physically) and am still feeling I owe them an apology. I spoke with my sponsor about this two years ago when I did my step 5 with him and he said that it was just the financial one I need to address (I had owed $500 to someone in Canada from 1993). He said the other people on my list were people I had disagreements, arguments with and that "this is all part of life, we have misunderstanding and problems with. Period." One couple who I had treated badly who live in South East Asia and whom I had not seen for at least 15 years were on my mind for some time. I was not sure if they ever wanted to hear from me again, but when I made my amend to this woman last summer, who is a mutual friend of theirs, she said to me that every time this couple returns to Canada they ask about me...So I wrote them a hand written letter saying how sorry I was for treating them so badly and included pictures of my wife, kids (Just to kind of let them know what has gone on in my life the past 15 years). I was sincere, and owned up to the anger, poor attitude, jealously I harbored since they are both successful and come from good families...I expected an answer to my letter last fall but got nothing. I wrote on this forum before about it and others responded that I have done all I can do. I feel guilty about my behavior ion the past, how I treated others poorly. How can I deal with this?


PatK

johnny2times

[QUOTE=Patk; How can I deal with this?

With your prayer life, it works for me

CarolD

Welcome back...I do remember this situation from your previous post.

You offered an written amend..that was not settled to your expectation
That happens...even when you can do a face to face.

I suggest you find a new person to assist and let go of the guilt
Tryy praying for forgivness ..and comfort..

Hope you find peace with this matter...

Opivotal

Patk....IMHO ... ...you forgive yourself. You've made amends and moving forward is the next step. Be the best person you can be. There is nothing else you can do and beating yourself up over past mistakes is futile.

Good for you writing a letter and apologizing.



Best Wishes To You!

dawnrunner

[QUOTE\] Be the best person you can be. There is nothing else you can do and beating yourself up over past mistakes is futile. [/QUOTE]

Well said. You have done your best and if you are certain that the address you had was valid, you can now rest easy. They know your thoughts. They might be under stress now, or forgetful and careless, or just thinking. Nothing makes any difference to the work you did and the message you sent.

After that we have to honor peoples' freedom to do whatever, and for whatever reason.

Amends in AA are sometimes described as if they were a guaranteed happy hug reconciliation, and as if that doesn't happen we have failed. But I think we have to be ready for the person to just say no. And not let that damage us.

Taking5

Lets review step 9:

Sometimes amends are not possible because the people we hurt are unwilling to accept the amends. You may get a chance to make it right in the future, but you have done all you can do for now. Don't wallow in guilt like this, it serves no purpose.

RobbyRobot

I've experienced making amends and like you the answer sometimes received was silence. Difficult to swallow, yeah, but there it is nonetheless. Not accepting the silence as a definitive answer is to unhappily hose down all the good qualities offered in the original amends. Don't do that, PatK. Take a higher road. Walk away with gratitude and humility. Look up and embrace a new day.

Guilt is felt when we are in the wrong. FWIW, I think you are feeling guilt for not accepting the answer as received. Wanting more is not in keeping with the purpose of making amends. Let it go. Move forward. Your amends for those respective past behaviors with the couple is finished. Well done.

You've gotten plenty of excellent advice in this thread. Go with it. Live and let live.

onlythetruth

Patk:

Since you sought the perspectives of both AA and non-AA people, I'll provide you with mine.

My thought is that this couple does not owe you a response. It would be nice if they would respond, but for you to "expect" it, and then lose yourself in guilt because your expectation isn't met, is (in AA terms) not sober behavior, and (in SMART Recovery terms) irrational.

Because this issue is causing you so much pain, and all the well-meant wisdom of your support system has not helped, it might be time for you to seek professional help.

whatevername

IMO I would be missing the key word there..."willingness"...after you've resolved to the "Willingness" what could anyone ask...your repentant...
sometimes its best to let sleeping dogs lie, ask God what to do, surely you'll be given a sign...may take years or days...

Db1105

You did all you can do. When I have situations like that, my agnogstic self uses the serenity prayer. It seems to work after the several hundred or thousand time.

Freedom1990

I was always told that when I made an amends, I was to leave the results up to God.

I can't go into an amends "expecting" certain results.

That sort of thinking is my ego demanding a preconceived scenario.

Ego = Edging God Out

Patk

Hello Everyone:

Thank you all very much for taking the time to read and reply to my question. Your support and　perspective is very much appreciated!

Pat