Hollyanne

You are great.
You will be FINE.
Some people (Dee74, AKA, the most handsome man online)
says, "Recovery should be enjoyed, not endured".

I am going to bed now.
1am in Ireland.
God bless, everyone. (fake prayer) Just kidding.

awuh1

I had almost two years sober and went out. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done to go back. Actually, it was not the going back that was difficult. It was thinking about going back that was difficult. I felt very defensive upon my return. I’ll never forget what one person said. A member, with substantial time, waited for me to finish speaking, then looked at me and very sternly said “It’s not a program of seniority”. I firmly believe things happen for a reason.

RunnerMD2be

I mean. Remember... The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. If you want to go to one meeting a week, then just go to one. If that works for you, then do it. I typically hit 4 or 5 a week. No one has been pressuring to go to more. Often times people invite me to go, sometimes I oblige... sometimes I decline. You don't have to "commit" to anything. I think it would be in your best interest to explore some different meetings though, since it sounds like your group isnt to your liking at this point.

I can definitely relate though. The first time I did AA I was working in the ER and I'd work 1430-2330 one night and 1000-2100 the next day. In my area there were no meetings after 830pm, so I'd often not go on those days as it would require getting up very early after going to bed very late.

This time, being unemployed (unrelated to my drinking), I've been able to hit more meetings. I've grown to really enjoy meetings.

I'd just suggest that you listen to what people say... You can take it or leave it...your sobriety isnt up to anyone in the program but you.

Mark75

Aw hell... you'll get through it and it won't be so bad. Stay close to your sponsor and leave what you hear at the meeting at the meeting.

You'll probably just hear people say "Keep comin' back". Anything else, in the meeting, is crosstalk and shame on them. Stay close to your sponsor before and after.

Welcome to SR and, uh, keep comin' back!!

DayTrader

That's the type of meetings I sobered up in. It was tough work........but on the good side, I got pretty good at forgiveness, acceptance and letting things go - lol. Eventually, I was feeling so crappy that I took some very stupid risks to go find a "good" meeting. I hopped in the car and just drove to meetings. (and I'd had a LOT of driving troubles, had no license, no plate on my truck, no insurance, etc etc).

There's a saying (from the Bible I think) that I like: God does not make too hard terms for those who seek Him.

I found a LOT of great meetings in the form of open talks on a couple websites. I went through many hundreds of hours of those things in my first 4 years or so. ...those guys and gals became my "main" meetings and the real face-to-face meetings were like the B-team..... but I kept going. I did end up finding that one group that lives in the solution too....and I found a sponsor there as well.

Best advice I can think of for you.....do what you need to do to find a good group with ppl working THE AA program not the slogan program. It's probably going to be inconvenient and may not be too close......but it'll help save your sanity and maybe your life.

dawnrunner

Why did you drink? That worries me more than the impending confession...

Boleo

First off, I don't think more meetings is the answer for everyone. I myself gradually increased my meetings up to 30 per week (4-5 per day) and still drank when I would get home from the last one.

On the other hand "take what I want and leave the rest" is no where to be found in AA literature. It is a imported slogan from some other program or clinic. I could easily site a dozen quotes from the Big Book that say the exact opposit of that slogan, but this is not a forum where I can flood the page with BB quotes.

The real work starts with simply following directions. Don't worry about the quality of those directions. The power does not come from the directions. The power comes from YOU being willing to follow directions. So getting a sponsor and following directions is the best way to start.

sugarbear1

Start at step 1 again, since you've decided to drink again, don't stop on any step (6 & 7 are musts) and get to 8 & 9, then 10, 11, & 12, then start again, studying each step and increasing spirituality.

I made time to drink, I make time for spirituality and practice it daily. When I get a resentment or make one up in my mind, I work on me and why that resentment is happening (back to steps 3-9).

Stay strong & stay stopped!

Freedom1990

And there is nothing wrong with that. Although I understand things like the suggestion of 90 meetings in 90 days because it certainly did help me develop some discipline and get a footing in recovery, I also understand that for me, just attending more meetings does not equate "better" recovery.

People forget that when AA was first started, there was no 'luxury' of multiple meetings per week. I truly believe this is why there was a higher success rate in the early days of AA as compared to now. The message has become watered down, and too many "suggestions" and slogans not even mentioned in the Big Book are used over and over and over.

I've been clean/sober 21+ years, and I usually attend one meeting a week, in addition to one Alanon meeting a week (I qualify for both programs). Attending meetings did not keep me sober, it was a small part of the big picture. Working the steps to the best of my ability, having a kick-a$$ sponsor, and working with others has kept me sober.

I wish you nothing but health, happiness, and serenity in your journey of recovery.

nvrbeentospain

Going there, but as a physician in recovery, don't you have some requirements about active participation in groups like AA? I wouldn't be so rash about blowing them off since that's the type of stuff that could cost you your license. At least that's how it works in my neck of the woods.

miamifella

The decentralized nature of AA is great in some ways, but in others...well, there is that "Lord of the Flies" aspect of the program. All of us have seen people get savaged in meetings by other member.

We just have to remember that the viciousness is born of fear. Everyone in the room fears a relapse, so by going after you or even just turning away, they think they are insuring their own sobriety.

You just have to get through it.

Veritas1

[QUOTE=Gavinandnikki;3332307]Hi,
First post here, but have been reading and benefiting from this site for months.

I was inpatient detox/rehab x 3 weeks starting 12/27/2011, in weekly aftercare on Saturday mornings since then. I attend my one weekly AA meeting on Saturdays as well.

Last Saturday, I had one 10 oz (yes a large one) glass of wine. Didn't like the way I felt and felt very guilty that I drank it, so no more after that. To be honest, I am actually glad that I had that glass because now I'm not so obsessed with the thought of drinking - "The obsession has been lifted from me" to quote my AA cronies.

I work full-time, 60 hr/s week as an ER physician, some overnights. I am a full-time wife and Mother as well. That Saturday meetings is the ONLY time that I am willing to commit to attending recovery meetings.

so....tomorrow, I have to fess up that I had that one stupid glass of wine. Instead of getting my 90 day chip on Monday, I have to pick up a 24 hour desire chip (my sponsor is making me do that).

I know what I'm going to hear tomorrow. A bunch of AA slogans - "meeting makers make it", "stinkin thinkin", "your best thinking got you here" etc..... like I'm a friggin robot or something. The "solution" to my relapse will be to attend more meetings, and I choose to not do that.

I don't want to leave AA, but I feel like I going to get alot of feedback tomorrow that is just going to **** me off.

Thanks for listening.


What I think I know might kill me.

Am I not judging others from fear over them judging me?

I am not even giving people the benefit of the doubt. I eliminate all possibility of good from fear.

God, I have fear to be vulnerable and admit that I committed the most insane act sober which was to pick up a drink after all I have understood and know about myself and my drinking.

Please God, remove my fear. I pray for knowledge of your will for us and the power to carry that out. Amen.

I have fear I know what they will say.
I have fear they will say things to me that upset me.
I have fear over drinking again.

I was taught this tool.

Write down what the fear is. Ask God to remove it.

Also....set aside what you think you know so that you can be open to see all the good.

Lily

Galvin&Nicki,

I am so sorry you chose to take that drink. However, that being said, keep on going on w/ your program. Try not to "project" what may be said at the meeting. Every single time I project things I am wrong.

A huge part of this program is letting go, not being controling. I am finding that serenity comes from acceptance and that staying in NOW is so peaceful. Just stay in now.... you had 90 wonderful days of sobriety and you have TODAY! You have right now....your head is clear and you have come a long way.

I know that in the beginning of recovery just trying to get time under your belt is a really big deal, but really, aren't you in this for the long haul? Don't you have a great career and a wonderful family?

In 90 more days you will get your chip. The 10 oz glass of wine will become part of your story when it comes to helping others.

Let me just share w/ you. I had at least 4 years sober and one night on Christmas Eve we were at my sisters best friends. We had just returned from church and the hostess put on a pan of some hot apple cider w/ some sort of alcohol in it in the kitchen. I knew this and decided to "secretly" have a small glass...maybe it was 2. I didn't even catch a buzz, cuz i had eaten so many h'orderves but I KNEW. I just knew my sober date had changed.

I am now coming up on a year and a half. A few months back I came face to face w/ my drug of choice..... I thought about just taking 2-3 pills.....no one would ever know. I put them back and decided not to. Why?? Because of my conscience. Somewhere along the line while working my program, that being one of integrity & honesty, I made a shift between staying clean and sober because is pleases my higher power, not to get a chip, or to let people know of my clean time.

I am telling you, once I made that shift from "what others will think, to what my God thinks" I cracked the program.

Today I am no longer a people pleaser, but a God pleaser. If I truly live my life in a way that is pleasing to my Higher Power....then like proverbs say,

"If a mans way pleases the Lord, then even his enemies will be at peace with him." Prov 16:7

blessings, Lily

desertsong

In the last year, I've had 8 months of sobriety and 4 months of "going back out there." I'm currently on my fourth attempt at sobriety (Day 18) in a year but this one is going to stick. I spent 3 days in detox a couple of weeks ago and that was it for me. You get a lot of perspective lying on flat on your back in a hospital bed with a BAC of .29 and wishing you'd never taken that first shot of whiskey.

Anyhoo, my point being that the one thing that is different this time is that I am finally, seriously working the 12 steps. I'm about to start Step 4 for the first time and I'm actually looking forward to it. I'm also much more serious about making the meetings every single day no matter what. And you know what? I came back into AA after 2 of those 3 relapses and, God forbid ... THEY WELCOMED ME BACK WITH OPEN ARMS. No judgment, no criticism, just understanding and compassion. They've been there. There are a few people in my home group who have been coming in and out of AA for some time ... this kind of thing is not new to AA members. What did I hear whenever I returned? "Welcome home." "Glad you're back." "Don't give up - we're here for you." If anyone felt differently, I sure didn't hear it from them.

Don't let what these folks MIGHT do make you angry or keep you away. You're anticipating. Just GO, get it out of the way. There's a certain freedom in being "rigorously honest." Once you get it out there, the meeting will move right on along as usual.

I guess all I'm saying is, don't build it up in your mind and make it bigger than it really is. Of course a relapse is no small thing (thankfully you didn't keep going and turn it into a bender), but if AA'ers flogged every member who went back out, nobody would be coming back in.

Just a thought. I hope you have a great meeting.

Lenina

PJ,

I remember feeling really angry at AA but when I carefully analyzed it, I was angry at myself and the alcoholism. I was misplacing my feelings, I think.

And I don't believe the quantity of meetings is as important as the quality of our commitment to recovery.

glad you've joined SR! It's great for support 24 hours, 7 days a week!

Love from Lenina

eJoshua

Yep that's very true.

I was mad at most of my friends because of my drinking. How much sense does that make? I think a bit of transference can be common.

Retread59

It might not go the way you imagine at all. And you might be in the angry phase where you're angry at yourself and everyone else because you don't get to drink anymore. I'm five months in, and that phase for me was not that long ago.

But I am like you, in that going to lots of meetings is not going to keep me sober. I have a sponsor who understands that and does not push me to do more than I am able to commit to. And I've been in and out of the rooms several times before getting to this point, and you know what? No one has ever given me a hard time about going out or coming back. I came back with my tail between my legs, embarrassed, but people congratulated me for having the courage to come back into the rooms. And I hope that is what will happen for you, too.

If it doesn't, you might find a different group. They aren't all the same. Hope it goes well.

winslynn

There are special groups for medical professionals,CPC.The meetings are in private homes usually and by invitation only.This is where you need to go.
You will be with pharmiscists,RN's,and doctors in the meeting.
Call AA in your city and ask to be put in touch with the CPC people.They will be your peers and understand your situation.

Cheers,Steve

langkah

You'll be among peers that understand deciding not to drink, trying to not drink and drinking anyway at your next meeting. There's a solution for that, and it involves going to any lengths, not the lengths you feel should surely solve your problem but don't.

You can easily decide to limit yourself to doing what you feel should be sufficient but plainly isn't, or run, or dig in and involve yourself to a far greater degree than you've believed you've needed to this point, because you're sure it would be plenty.

Newcomers get it wrong all the time and blow out, nothing the least special about that. Maybe next time around you'll get a sponsor you can't manipulate and in a group that will call you on it when you're off course.

The next few months are likely to see you return to what got your attention earlier unless your most recent drinking gets your attention. It obviously hasn't to this point if your concern is someone will say something that hurts your feelings. You've lightyears more at risk than hurt sensitivities, and since you haven't taken the first step you've no clue about it.

As far as AA causing bad things to happen to you if you drink...if someone warns you about walking the cliff edge during a pitch-black night how responsible are they for the results of your little stroll?

TimeInABottle

" if someone warns you about walking the cliff edge during a pitch-black night how responsible are they for the results of your little stroll? "


That is funny!!!!!!