Kittykat85

Hi all,
A liitle about me to give you all an idea of where I'm coming from;
I have always been a binge drinker. Never had a morning drink but drank 3/4 days a week from the age of 15. Alcohol made me feel great, taken away my social fear and helped me et myself go. I suffer from depression, I have done both in and out of sobriety. At the age of 22 I went to AA for 3 months, went back out for 6 - during this time all the usual paranoia kicked back in I started doing things (and people) that I wouldn't normally do. I then went back into AA and have been sober for 3 and a half years.
Less than a month into sobriety I starting seeing a friend who was also in AA. His whole family were AA. To be honest i mainly stayed off the booze for him. We split up just 7 months ago.

Now;
I've ALWAYS felt like a fraud in AA meetings. I knew I needed to cut down and sort myself out but part of me chalked it up to the foolishness of youth. I haven't been to a meeting in almost a year and I've stayed sober. I find myself asking AM I REALY AN ALCOHOLIC? Did I ever get t that point or did I bring myself back from the point of no return without actually passing it? TBH I never brought into the "higher power" aspect and as I said I stayed sober for my now ex-boyfiend. I've always struggled with "wet places", bars, parties etc, felt like I was missing out and couldn't relax. Infact, I often came out of meetings thinking about booze more than I did before I went in. I can only describe it a s being on a diet and immediately wanting a cream cake.

I've got a night with friends planned and I'm genuinely excited about the idea of drinking. Then this incredible fear sets in, maybe I'm wrong, maybe I AM an alcolholic, I mean something made me go to AA. I tell myself that I can't even stop smoking - what will having a drink do to me?!?!
I'm beginning to resent AA/myself even though I can see the improvement in my life. I've heard stories of people going back out and getting worse but is that just AA's biased opinion? Also, I know "a belly full of beer and head full of AA don't mix", maybe that's why I feel like this. Scared to drink incase I loose control even though I think I can do it and be ok.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble, please don't think I'm being anti AA either, I've seen it do amazing things for many people and has helped me stay sober for this long.

Nirvana1

It's probably a good idea to go back to a meeting and share what you are thinking right now. Even though you might resent AA a little, there will be a ton of people who have been in the exact same spot as you are now. You will get help for what to do instead of drinking, and you will hear what happened to others when they went back out and drank after years of sobriety. I've still yet to hear of anything good happening when an alcoholic or "problem drinker" began drinking again.

I think we've all struggled a little bit with "am I an alcoholic or not" thinking during periods of sobriety. When that thought pops up into my head, I immediately try to remember all of the harm that alcohol caused me and the way I felt all the time when drinking. It helps me to realize what I could go back to if I started to drink again.

sugarbear1

For me, and only me, I felt like a fraud in AA when I wasn't working the steps with a sponsor, I was just pretending to work the program. I could talk up a storm about the steps, but I hadn't experienced them.

Today, 10 months in, I am working the steps in my daily life with the guidance of a sponsor. It made a difference for me.

I wish you well,

I wouldn't give up my sobriety today. I made too many mistakes

instant

If you have the biological capacity to develop cravings it won't go away in my experience. My capacity to to have physical cravings I think of as "my powerlessness" over alcohol.

I hope you can work it out

Kittykat85

Thank you so much. Even just writing that, getting it out of my head on on the screen has made me start to think again.
Yo've all re-itterated what I would tell someone but can't seem to tell myself.
I KNOW in my heart that even if did drink socially I'd be at the bottom of the slippery slope eventually if not straight away, then in 1, 5, even 25 years.
I have nice new flat that I've got how I like it, my friends and family WANT to spend time with me they don't feel obligated, I'm NEARLY free from the financial hang over. I also love working somewhere that no one has seenme arriving drunk, throwing up all over the toilets etc. I work in a public facing role and still have occasional awkward moments with people from my past. In my head drinking makes me normal but on paper it ruins me.
I don't know why I want to throw my life away for a bottle of Jack Daniels or Blossom Hill. I actually ike me now, I can have a conversation with the checkout girl in the supermarket without feeling awkward for gosh sake. I don't wake up in the morning scared to look at my phone (if I still have it), scared to leave the house or worse - unaware of where I am/who I am with.

I suppose I've answered my own question. By having these thoughts "where now?" is back to AA and as far away from the pub as possible. I'm SO F'IN STUPID. Sorry I should know better that to let myself get to this point. Sorry and thanks again

aasharon90

Ive heard it a many a times how once
we get a taste of recovery it will screw
up our drinking careers. Drinking will
never be the same as it once was.

Db1105

Few people ever end up in AA by mistake, especially at an early age. I got sober in my teens and your story sounds typical for those who start drinking again. For me when drinking thoughts occur, I am reminded that it's a lot easier to stay sober than it is to get sober. Also, I know I have another drunk in me. I don't know if I have another recovery in me.

2granddaughters

Back to AA gets my vote too !!

Wishing you the best.

Bob R

winslynn

You will serve a higher power or you will serve a lower power,but being alcoholic you will serve.

RobbyRobot

Being excited about drinking after being 3.5 yrs sans alcohol would be a difficult challenge to come to terms with for me. I would really want to understand what it is I missed resolving during those years of abstinence that still has me romancing the drink. I would not want fear to be my best safeguard fall-back strategy keeping me away from drinking.

I don't think you should admonish yourself for asking these important questions. You're hardly stupid since you're obviously really trying to do the right thing here. Sure you're struggling, and yet that struggle speaks so well of the desire you have to stay sober.

After 3.5 yrs I would really be wanting to have those promises AA speaks about, you know? Why wait any longer? I began being grateful for receiving the beginings of the promises between 30 and 90 days sans alcohol. Not sure why you're facing such challenges 3.5 yrs in, but I do know for sure you're absolutely being very smart to ask yourself these questions, imo.

Kittykat, you're totally not being stupid.

I hope you can cut yourself some real honest slack, and still keep working the solution and really begin to enjoy being happy without having alcoholic ideations of romancing that drink and social party scene.

Congratulations on your 3.5 yrs!!

Boleo

Recovery does not have to be a struggle. The "Spiritual Awakening" talked about in the 12th step is a release from struggle. In fact, when used properly, Spiritual Principles lead to an end of suffering program.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional".

onlythetruth

It's important to keep in mind that the decision to remain abstinent from alcohol is not the same as a decision to belong to AA.

I always felt a fraud in AA myself, because I didn't believe its notion that God was keeping me sober "one day at a time". So I left.

But that had nothing to do with my decision to remain abstinent. That's something I'll never change my mind about.

Mark75

Be careful not to tangle up your thoughts and feelings regarding your ex, thoughts and feelings about AA (which are sure to be mixed!)... with your thoughts and feelings about alcohol and the anticipation towards the next chapter in your life.

Maybe stay sober for awhile longer before you decide to drink again, so you can get that all straight.

CarolD

Welcome to SR....

Well done on your sober progress..I certainly hope you will continue

For me....the AA Steps are an awesome way of living