ODAT63

I have been reading post about this and I feel sorry for my XAH now that I see it was not me.
He told me all the time how much he loves me but could not show me physically because he was "limp" all the time, I thought it was me, even thou I am a good looking woman 7 years younger and very much in love with him.
In the last year before our divorce we were intimate maybe twice, I got tired of being the one that want it all the time so I stop..I waited for him to start foreplay..that never happened, he even got Viagra once just so I can quit B%**ing at him about sex, but even that did not help much.
He actually got mad at me for the lack of "intimacY" and after 15months sobriety he filed for divorce.
I am wondering if it had someting to do with alcoholism and if is still happening with the "new" relatonships he is having.
Our first couple of years it was so great, he was 37 now he is 56and it has been pittyful.
I am reading that it happens to many alcoholics even after recovery, just wanted to know if it is true.
To me it did not get better and ended our 16 year marriage, I wonder if he felt ashamed, I got used to it, and still loved him, he could not handle it blamed me and left. For a woman to feel desirerable means so much for our self esteem, I have much work left to do to recover from this.

DayTrader

Great question....and I applaud you for having the courage to ask.

Same thing happened to me when I was getting sober......and it went on for the better part of a year or more. Now, I got sober when I was 38 so maaaaybe it was age related but things went back to more or less like they were in year 2.

One of my mentors couldn't get it up n his first 6 months unless he was alone. One his own, he was fine.....but with a real live woman, he just couldn't do it. ....he was in his late 20's or early 30's when he got sober.

I also know a couple others personally who had to deal with the same "issue" for a while into their recovery.

So, I can't say it's "normal" or necessarily common......but it's not UNcommon for men new in recovery.

FlyerFan

Very interesting, I did not know this was a common occurrence. As a woman I know that when I was drinking I could not ever "finish the job" so to speak. Being sober now for almost 3 months I have noticed a total difference. I guess alcohol affects that area more than we think.

ODAT63

I read in a book that it could be caused by guilt, self-hatred and/or anger at women (issues against women), lack of self confidence (low self esteem). What ever the reason I think is sad, sex is so important in a relationship.

Mark75

It is true. Often temporary.

It's complicated,

CarolD

As you are now divorced...I sure hope both of you find new partners
Please let go of the past...be open to your future experiences.

surething

I've been sober for over 70 days and haven't noticed any problems in that department. Actually, my sex drive has skyrocketed since I'm no longer poisoning my body. Keep in mind that I'm 21 years old, though. Haha.

ODAT63

surething, congratulations in your sobriety...maybe keeping in mind what could happen years down the road will help you stay sober....lol

FlyerFan

Definitely changes your drive. After I stopped my boyfriend was thrilled, lmao. There would be nights when he would come home and want a romantic evening and I was just so wasted I couldn't even think or feel, and I'm sure that was not very nice for him.

leanabeana

My boyfriend has been sober for 80 days and he is having erectile dysfunction. He was a heavy drinker for 33 years and never had this problem while drinking. Sometimes he still has this problem after taking Viagra or Cialis. I'm sure age comes into play as well (he's 49), but the fact that he never had a problem while drinking points to it being a recovery issue.

I read this online, but it's the only thing I've been able to find about this issue:
I read it to him and he's very discouraged by the possibility that this could go on for another 3-9 months. He can probably count on one hand how many times he's had sober sex before he quit drinking, so I get that it's a huge adjustment. He can't go to the doctor right now because he doesn't have health insurance. I'm being very patient and understanding but he hates the idea that he's letting me down. Of course it bothers me, but mostly because it bothers him so much.

That comment about Cialis being a "slip" is so ludicrous I have no words. These people just need to stop. A major issue I have with AA.

Stayingsassy

I'm a woman and won't get too tmi but I couldn't get enough as a drinker: always ready, all the time, plus it was awesome. As a sober person I have to force myself to do it to keep the relationship. I also don't have any physical interest in anyone else either. Libido dropped like a dead weight the day I got sober.

One of the very specific physical things that happened after stopping alcohol that makes no physiological sense to me but there it is.

leanabeana

Hey sassy. I'm sorry to hear you're having this issue. I've heard it's a common problem for both men and women in the first year of recovery. I don't personally have this problem, but my situation is different than my boyfriend's since I was sober from August '17 - March '18 and then got sober again at the end of May. I think it's one of those mysteries of post acute withdrawal that doesn't make any sense but it's a troubling reality.

He's tried just about everything - both natural and pharmaceutical. He's resigned to using Viagra every day for the time being but I think it would be comforting to hear that others have struggled with this. It would be even more comforting to hear that it resolves with time.

Stayingsassy

Thanks leana. It could have a lot to do with binging on garbage since sobriety, I was a very careful eater as an alcoholic and now that I'm putting in a sincere effort so I can heal up my foot, I can actually touch my spouse again, lol. It's a bit better. what a drag it was, though.

also if Viagra helps I say enjoy it and roll with it! Whatever works until he's healed up whatever mysterious nonsense causes the libido crash. It is NOT just psychological, I miss the ***** I was, haha.

leanabeana

He misses how he used to be too but he doesn't miss being a raging drunk. He's fine with taking the Viagra daily but he prefers for his junk to work au natural. They didn't warn us about this in rehab!

Stayingsassy

His junk will most likely wake up.

It's tough because sometimes there are organic reasons for sexual problems that don't have anything to do with drinking...like my age group (late forties) and then men sometimes develop impotence without any easily found cause.

It's just that it's happening immediately after sobriety! I'm usually pretty good at teasing out possible causes for conditions but this one does not make sense to me, that a person functions well on a neurological depressant, then when the chemical is removed there is a loss of functioning?? for me it was NOT just the bedroom either. My tolerance was staggeringly high and quitting drinking after the huge amount I drank (which was so much it freaked out everyone around me) meant an enormous amount of brain healing.

leanabeana

Agree, I would chalk it up to age but the timing points to an early recovery symptom. As I mentioned, he drank very heavily for 33 years so his brain is doing an enormous amount of healing as well. I'm having other issues like cognitive dysfunction and mood issues but my sex drive is very high right now. Hence the frustration he's feeling with his current predicament.

soberista

Ditto. We seem to have a lot in common Sassy!!

Stayingsassy

Difficult to figure out why...

I read a theory online that people who start eating loads of processed food and sugar to compensate for lack of alcohol have interference with the normal balance of hormones. something to think about since the low libido and the sugar intake are common after quitting.

Bubovski

Aging impacts on male erectile issues, though 56 isn't ancient.
Attitude and condemnation too can be factors.
Some aging people still enjoy non penetrative sex.
As for alcohol???..............it seems to work both ways.

Stayingsassy

Wait: how in the world is cialis a slip???