RobbyRobot

I like the title way too much from the other thread namesake to give it up so soon and so easily... LOL. This thread is similar but different and I'm going to share with those interested what 30 years of being recovered means to me. I'm interested in sharing this at this time because today is a special day for me: After some serious consultations with two doctors at Ottawa's General Hospital I have been given the official go ahead and been given confirmation that my requested leg amputation will be allowed and completed this year 2012.

They have agreed to follow thru with the surgery on the basis of pain reduction, (hopefully elimination), physical functional mobility restored, and the whole quality of life issue. Awesome. I and my wife meet with the actual surgical team in June or July, and we then plan in detail the way forward to give us the desired results and understand the inherent risks. Surgery will follow any time after that last consultation.

I am totally satisfied and feel stoked and powerful. I will be using this thread as a kind of touchstone to share this mounumental experience in my sober journey.

I hope it can be an inspiration for others to never ever give up on their dreams, and moreso, that dreams do indeed come true when the dreamer keeps dreaming.

I've never done a thread like this but I know I will appreciate all those who may choose to post and offer their support. I don't hardly ever ask for support, you know?

Thanks.

wellwisher

Decisions made are often a huge relief, aren't they?

I am only too glad to offer the support you seek.

All my best....

Sapling

Robbie...I'd be afraid to offer you any..To tell you the truth...I'm looking forward to it.

BackToSquareOne

Sounds like you're at peace with it Robbie. The path with heart is the one that's right for you.

Terminally Unique

I hear you there, Robby -- just the way some of us are wired. Sometimes things happen in life and it occurs to me to maybe post about them, but I never do, so I can appreciate that. No doubt many people here will wish you well on your journey, Robby. I certainly do, and I have no doubt you will inspire many others along the way.

MysteriousGrl

Hi Robby, I am new to the forums so forgive me for my lack of knowledge with respect to your leg and the reasons you have decided to amputate. However, I hope this little story about my sister will give you some inspiration and confidence that you are making the right decision because you are the one who ultimately really wants this.

From as far back as I can remember, my younger sister has been in love with horses. She began competing at the age of 6, came first place in many competitions and moved on to teach and school horses as a profession. She lived to ride, literally. Six years ago an unfortunate event took place in the arena. A horse she was schooling reared, she came off and the horse landed right on top her which resulted in an L1 spinal cord injury. After the surgery the doctor had to tell my sister that it was unlikely that she would ever walk again and the first words out of her mouth were "I dont care if I can't walk, will I ever be able to ride again?" Six years later she is living her dream, training to compete in the 2012 olympics! So, with that said, limbs are limbs. Don't let the loss of one leg defeat you in any way. There is obviously a reason you have decided that you are better off without it, and for that reason only, "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, Live the life you've imagined"

gaffo

Good luck, Robby. A close friend of mine had his lower leg amputated a couple of years ago and it improved his life tremendously.

katrinka

I can imagine this was a very difficult decision for you and I'm glad doctors have agreed with you. I wish you well.

DayTrader

Congrats Robbie. I hope and pray the you get the results you're hoping for. I also applaud you for your willingness to share the experience with others, if for nothing else, to demonstrate that events can be looked at from different angles......with different attitudes. I think there's a big lesson in that for all of us.

Veritas1

I don't know what to say, but God be with you Robbie.

RobbyRobot

Hey. Thanks for the shares. So, we met with my surgeon yesterday, and we collectively talked. In the meeting, was my wife, Melissa, and my personal doctor, and the clinic secretary, and my new surgeon, a male under the age of forty. We talked about 40 minutes. We reached a consensus on how to proceed. I signed the original authorization papers, and we're good to go. In about a week or so, I'll receive a booking date, hopefully ASAP.

I won't go into the details of the surgery itself, not important for my sharing to be heard, yet i will say it will be in two stages. The first will be the amputation of my right leg, just below hip level, purposely not leaving enough upper leg length to make use of another artifical leg device. The second stage, several months later at the earliest, will be removing all the hardware from my leg and hip, and this will in effect free my hip allowing free movement. Both stages have different risks and accomplish singular goals. It is as yet not entirely certain the second stage will be required because the real life results of the first stage must be experienced to properly evaluate how to best proceed with the second stage.

The original hardware has been with me since age 12, and the beginings of my serious drinking began shortly after that respective surgery. To be honest, I'm surprised i have not added to this thread before today. I really wanted to share what was what with my alcoholism and sobriety because, just as I had believed would happen, I've become much more vulnerable, and my usual defences are not able to keep me steady as it goes. I'm still the Cap'n of my ship, but I'm overwhelmed with raw sadness. Me, I historically make use of anger to cut up my sadness/happiness into manageable chunks, and this would not be the proper thing to do in this situation, I know instinctively I must stay open and honest to my challenges at hand. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make amends and bring some serious closure to some hurtful experiences which back when launched me into serious drinking.

My need to share this life changing event in my sober life is important because I'm seeking peer affirmations not for my current medical decisions, but affirmations for my correctly grapling with some serious ghosts and monsters from my early alcoholic days. Its not a matter of my getting or risking being drunk, its all about quality of life, and when do we know we have closure about whatever? When is done done? When is the bottom of the barrel reached?

I expect my pysche to undergo a serious transformation post-surgery. I expect it to be a process, but nonetheless, i hardly expect to be the same man after surgery. I'm not sure what this really means, except I need this surgery to be done so I can be the me I know in my heart I was before my original surgery circa age 12. Understand?

I can never recapture my childhood before it was destroyed by the original surgery, but the memories of that 'person' have haunted me these past 43 years. The past surgery created a psychic change which directly led to my becoming a total alcoholic by age 15. I'm pretty sure, when the upcoming surgery to correct that original wrong is done, i will again go thru a psychic change. My worry, or problem, is being overwhelmed with that change, to the point of being stretched in too many directions, and so, my then using anger to control and manage what is going on with this soon-to-be-new me.... you know?

I hope I have given enough to have some shares come back which help me understand. I really don't know what else to say to get the ball rolling, lol.

Please just say what you want. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable in a way which will bring me the greatest reward, and there is no downside to whatever anyone wants to share back. For those who don't know, I'm just turned 55 last week, I became sober at 24, and I'll have 31 years in July. I need some conversation with others who have in their past used anger to control powerful internal emotions and thoughts, used anger to push things down and around, used anger to moderate their internals. Experiences while with alcohol and while sans-alcohol are being asked for. Who will help me out?

Thanks.

pinkdog

I'm with ya Robby! :ghug3

awuh1

I’m not sure I understand all the issues involved here (actually I’m sure I don’t understand them) yet my instincts tell me to respond. Partly I think because I also had an excruciating period of physical and emotional pain. It was also early in my life, and it was truly devastating. I survived but deep wounds remained, lots of anger and mountains of distrust.

I learned that the anger was there as a sort of protection against sadness, which was the other side of that very same coin. The anger, to a degree, protected me from depression, and what was at the bottom of it all, was loss.

I had to find ways to deal with the depression. First, and for a long time, it was alcohol. Then therapy, anti-depressants and finally AA. All were necessary, in their own way, even the anger.

Presently, the task is to bring some degree of meaning to all that adversity. I do that by helping those with depression, anger problems, physical pain and even an alcoholic here and there. This, for me at least, is what is meant by not regretting the past nor wishing to shut the door on it.

Dee74

Operations like this are out of my purview too...I've tried to wrap my head around what it might be like for me for a few months now and...I still can't.

I've known you for a number of years though Rob - and it seems to me you're pretty close to who you want to be - I don't see that changing, operation or no operation

I don't doubt that this will be a period of upheaval, of vulnerability and some old ghosts for you - but having made your decision now, I'm confident you'll come through this with your customary equanimity and good spirits.

I hope you get everything you want from it, man
best wishes to you and Melissa

D

instant

Robbie for me you are a big time heavy hitter around here, who has helped so many in the time I have been here. You have always shone light where there has been darkness and fear. If it is possible with words on a page your are a good listener, and have held others with your strength. You are facing a challenge the nature of which I cannot comprehend, but I pray your resilience will pull you through.

Thepatman

I'm sobber for good since June 4th. You inspire me sir to be strong.

Anger... And hate... My heart was completelly filled with hit and I was behing consumed by it. Lost my dad at 5 from Cancer my beloved Grandpa at 13 from Cancer and my Mom in 2007 of that fu#$ cancer. My hate was directly towards god himself. Ever Seen the Hulk movie, well this is exactly me when I loose it, and when I do it feels good somehow.

I would live by this quote from the bible towards anyone or anything that would stand my way or someone I love, and still do sometimes, working on that...
---
The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee.

Elisabeth888

You are a very brave soul. My hat is off to you.

RobbyRobot

Thanks, everybody. I'm appreciating the shares, and feeling the love. Awesome.

CarolD

Rob..
my guess is our Steps will be your answer on
dealing with the new you.

Prayers for you Melissa and your medical team zipping out.

Boleo

Here are some "Quality of life" issues found in recovery;

1st Step Promises (Page 42)
Quite as important was the discovery that spiritual principles would solve all my problems

2nd Step Promises (Page 50)
they found that a new power,
peace,
happiness, and
sense of direction flowed into them.

3rd Step Promises (Page 63)
We had a new Employer.
He provided what we needed
We became less and less interested in ourselves, our little plans and designs
We became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life. As
We felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as
We discovered we could face life successfully, as
We became conscious of His presence,
We began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter.
We were reborn.

4th Step Promises (Page 70)
We have begun to learn tolerance,
patience and
good will toward all men, even our enemies, for
we look on them as sick people.
We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, and are willing to straighten out the past if we can.

5th Step Promises (Page 75)
We are delighted.
We can look the world in the eye.
We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
Our fears fall from us.
We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now
we begin to have a spiritual experience.
The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly.
We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

9th Step Promises (Page83),
We will be amazed before we are halfway through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone,
we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

10th Step Promises (Page 84)
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone —even alcohol.
For by this time sanity will have returned.
We will seldom be interested in liquor.
If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame.
We react sanely and normally, and
We will find that this has happened automatically.
We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it.
We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation.
We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected.
We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed.
It does not exist for us.
We are neither cocky nor are we afraid.
That is our experience.
That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.


11th Step Promises (Page 86)
We can employ our mental faculties with assurance
God gave us brains to use.
Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane
Our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
We relax and take it easy.
We don’t struggle.
We are often surprised how the right answers come


12th Step Promises (Page 89)
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics.
It works when other activities fail.
Life will take on new meaning.
To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up about you, to have a host of friends-this is an experience you must not miss.
We know you will not want to miss it.
Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives.