Alcoholic Interrupted II
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Some background now, and it will help me to share it, to see it out there. Knowing about the future surgery changes my perspective of course, because forthcoming closure will be a physical reality, and I will continue my journey somewhat differently, with less baggage, and yet with more "me", ironically.
July 1969, in the wee hours, I'm watching the Apollo moon-landing, on a little b/w tv setup at the foot of my hospital bed. The bed was provided for me by the hospital and had what is called a trapez bar hung above me so as to ease my movement in the bed. I'm in a plaster body cast starting from my mid-chest all the way down and encasing my right foot. My left thigh is encased to just above my knee. I have a cut-out about 5" by 5" over my belly button, and I have a cut-out for my buttocks and groin area. A wooden bar, encased in plaster, connects my left thigh to my right thigh, so when I turn on my side, the cast does not compress and collapse. The plaster is about 3/4" thick, and fits tightly all around my torso and legs, so as to minimise my movements. I will spend almost nine months in plaster, in the bed, in my family home, before I'm released. I will outgrow the cast once, and a new one will take its place, just before Christmas.
The bed is huge, being a hospital bed. My childhood home is a modest ranch style 3 bedroom on a half acre in the country side 30 minutes from the city limits. My parents just bought the home in '67. Before that I was a city kid, growing up in Ottawa Eastside, Vanier, the tough side of town.
Too big to fit into my bedroom, which already had my two other brothers, my hospital bed is placed in the combined living room - dining room area. My two sisters are in the second bedroom. My parents the third. I'm the second oldest at 12. One brother at 15, one at 8. One sister at 4, one just a baby. Out with the dining table and in with my bed. A plastic kind of curtain is strung by wire to give me some visual privacy. Other then that, I'm now a fixture in our living room, which is to my left, and a wall is to my right. I am in the corner.
This arrangement will destroy me, break me down, waste me, invite me into chronic alcoholism, and likely set the stage for my eventually diagnosis of chronic schizophrenia as a young adult, before I sobered up. I simply lost my mind. The kid that got outta that insane prison was not the same kid who went into it in so many unforgettable ways.
I need to stop now, and let the feelings of sadness wash through me, like I said earlier, I need to stay vulnerable. I'm not surprised I can't get this out in one long share, even after 43 years, its like yesterday on so many levels. I expect to have a few shares today to get finally this out once and for all.
July 1969, in the wee hours, I'm watching the Apollo moon-landing, on a little b/w tv setup at the foot of my hospital bed. The bed was provided for me by the hospital and had what is called a trapez bar hung above me so as to ease my movement in the bed. I'm in a plaster body cast starting from my mid-chest all the way down and encasing my right foot. My left thigh is encased to just above my knee. I have a cut-out about 5" by 5" over my belly button, and I have a cut-out for my buttocks and groin area. A wooden bar, encased in plaster, connects my left thigh to my right thigh, so when I turn on my side, the cast does not compress and collapse. The plaster is about 3/4" thick, and fits tightly all around my torso and legs, so as to minimise my movements. I will spend almost nine months in plaster, in the bed, in my family home, before I'm released. I will outgrow the cast once, and a new one will take its place, just before Christmas.
The bed is huge, being a hospital bed. My childhood home is a modest ranch style 3 bedroom on a half acre in the country side 30 minutes from the city limits. My parents just bought the home in '67. Before that I was a city kid, growing up in Ottawa Eastside, Vanier, the tough side of town.
Too big to fit into my bedroom, which already had my two other brothers, my hospital bed is placed in the combined living room - dining room area. My two sisters are in the second bedroom. My parents the third. I'm the second oldest at 12. One brother at 15, one at 8. One sister at 4, one just a baby. Out with the dining table and in with my bed. A plastic kind of curtain is strung by wire to give me some visual privacy. Other then that, I'm now a fixture in our living room, which is to my left, and a wall is to my right. I am in the corner.
This arrangement will destroy me, break me down, waste me, invite me into chronic alcoholism, and likely set the stage for my eventually diagnosis of chronic schizophrenia as a young adult, before I sobered up. I simply lost my mind. The kid that got outta that insane prison was not the same kid who went into it in so many unforgettable ways.
I need to stop now, and let the feelings of sadness wash through me, like I said earlier, I need to stay vulnerable. I'm not surprised I can't get this out in one long share, even after 43 years, its like yesterday on so many levels. I expect to have a few shares today to get finally this out once and for all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 128
Robby, I don't know you well, but have read many of your posts here and you seem like a caring person who has his head on pretty straight. It takes a lot of strength to share about those things that really make us most vulnerable and I applaud you for your courage. I don't know what I can offer just now, other than a listening ear and a shoulder, but I wanted you to know that you have that.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Mark75 
Maybe they will be taking more from you than a bad leg, and maybe that will be a good thing, ultimately, metaphorically? Allowing for a new, more functional, prosthetic leg and... maybe something more?
As for a new prosthetic, this is not in the cards dealt to me, for whatever reason. The original surgery in my youth destroyed any chance of a future prosthetic device. Without getting too complicated, when my hip was fused, and the hardware which consists of a shaped metal plate with screw-bolts directly into my hip and femur, I crossed a line medically that can't be undone. After that hip fusion, I began walking on crutches, and have always been since on crutches, as a direct result of the failure of that hip-fusion surgery. There is a whole back-story to this too, which I'll get into as this unravels. So many details, and turns, and dead-ends...
After the surgery i couldn't walk more than 300 feet without being overwhelmed with pain and awkwardness. Before the surgery, I could easliy walk for miles. As a matter of fact, I was an athletic kind of kid, very active in sports, and gymnastics. After that particular hip surgery, everything stopped. Completely.
I did attempt to get back into sports, and manged to break my fused hip while playing soccer. This of course only made things worse. I had only been out of my cast for a few months. It was the final curtain for me. Back into some more plaster for several months. Alcohol became my best friend.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Alcohol became my best friend.
I see what is about to happen to you, as NOT that same surgery all over again. You will not be put back in that hell of isolation in a corner of the dining room. This surgery is a 'FREEING' surgery for you. It will take away a lot of the pain of that long ago. It will allow you freedom of movement on your crutches that you have never known.
I too am sending good thoughts, healing thoughts and prayers to you, Melissa, your whole family and your doctors.
This sounds like quite a blessing!!!!!
In the past 5 to 6 years of my 31 years of recovery I too have been going through on and off some very serious health issues, as have some others on this sites. I know for me, that every time the 12 steps have helped me through whatever particular event it was. I have faith, based on all your sharing, that the 12 steps will be a big part of your ongoing recovery from this new surgery too.
I have added you to the 3 prayer lists I belong to. One is a christian prayer list. One is a Native American prayer list. And One is a list comprised of Deepak Chopra followers.
You have lots of folks from here praying for you and sending good healing thoughts.
I have faith you will not only 'get through this' my friend, but come out the other side feeling some healing for those oh so long ago events.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
All my hopes and wishes for a perfect operation and a speedy recovery. You are such and inspiration on so many levels, I have read so many of your very insightful posts here and look forward to continuing following your lead.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Yes, the AA twelve steps are a definite solution to my alcoholism, and I've shared with other alcoholics f2f who are recovered themselves, and i've been well supported, not surprising. I've also recently over the winter months took some private gestalt therapy kinda sessions. I shared deeply about anger issues with my medical history, and was able to resolve enough to become joyus about knowing the right decisions are currently being made to bring some balance to my medical challenges. One of the results of grapling with my ghosts while in therapy was the creation of this thread back in March to bring even more closure.
The best support this thread is doing for me is it allows me to share myself so as to keep me vulnerable, and present, and open, to my upcoming surgery. It's not that I'm in trouble, or whatever, as most of you clearly already know I've gathered from your supportative shares, its really about me not closing down and creating a hardness of protective anger to get me through the different stages.
I'm such a hard-headed guy, you know.
One important issue already taken care of is I've limited who can visit me while I stay in hospital. Even though i do get along with my parents, I've chosen to have them not visit me, as I don't want their emotional grief and stress to bring me to a hurtful place. Its best they simply let it happen, and I'll visit with them shortly after i get discharged. I've talked openly with them about all this many times recently, and they are supportative, but that has not always been the case, and this is not the time to have them trying to make up for past mistakes.
My older and younger brother also have been asked not to visit, and for similar reasons. This medical procedure is difficult enough without getting into all the mess between my brothers and me. My sister is okay and understands me, no problemo. My youngest sister is deceased, and has been since I was 15. She was runover by a drunken driver, just outside our home. She was 5 years old. Died in ambulance, mercifully, she was very much on a thread with severe head injuries when the ambulance arrived. My family was devastated, and pretty well fell apart, my parents were no longer able to descipline us responsibly, afraid of losing or otherwise distancing themselves from their remaining children. Catherine was their second loss, their first was John, lost at birth, in post-war Germany, my dad was stationed there in the early 50's.
Alcohol was the ticket out, and I drank not to feel good, like as in a warm high, but to feel the depth of my anger, sadness, and even hatred. Booze and drugs, grass and acid, took me away from reality, and I milked that for every thing i could twist out of those drunken stoned times. I became quite sick with alcoholism as an illness as defined by AA.
At around age 21 I requested some corrective surgery to my right leg just below the knew so as to have it fit into a double sided upright leg brace from ankle to hip. I began to learn to walk again, and by age 24 I sobered up with a detox, 3 month rehab, AA, and gestalt therapy.
Two years into my sobriety I requested my right foot be amputated at the ankle, so as to fit an artifical foot to my modified leg brace. The surgeons agreed, and my walking improved and I was able to walk about a mile, without crutches, I was 26 years old. I liked to wear cowboy boots, lol. In my early 30's things again started to fail physically, and i needed back surgery to correct a spinal stenosis problem. A side affect of the surgery was my back was greatly permanently weakened, and i was strictly informed my days of sitting , walking, standing, whatever, were effectively over, except for short durations. I simply had to be able to change up my physical position, as needed, or else face the consequences. If I chose to ignore the medical warnings, I could expect to have more corrective back surgery, and this time with steel rods implanted because my back would simply be too weak to support me. I listened and semi-retired from work and my college years were left uncompleted. I dont need rods. Amen to that, lol.
In my forties, i was told to stop walking entirely, and they fitted me for a wheelchair. We then had our first official talks with amputating my leg. I pretty well refused their orders, and just kept walking on a broken down old brace that I would not throw away. Eventually, over a 5 year span, I was falling and tripping so much, even with a cane, and the pain was becoming unendurable, even for me, I simply had to stop walking entirely. I quit walking June of 2008.
I'm gonna stop here again, as i can feel me closing down, my anger keeping the sadness pushed down and around, and as i close down, I don't really care about what i'm sharing, you know? I become indifferent, and of course i want to stay vulnerable.
Thanks everybody for the excellent shares. I'm feeling the love, and its just what I need, so thanks.
The best support this thread is doing for me is it allows me to share myself so as to keep me vulnerable, and present, and open, to my upcoming surgery. It's not that I'm in trouble, or whatever, as most of you clearly already know I've gathered from your supportative shares, its really about me not closing down and creating a hardness of protective anger to get me through the different stages.
I'm such a hard-headed guy, you know.
One important issue already taken care of is I've limited who can visit me while I stay in hospital. Even though i do get along with my parents, I've chosen to have them not visit me, as I don't want their emotional grief and stress to bring me to a hurtful place. Its best they simply let it happen, and I'll visit with them shortly after i get discharged. I've talked openly with them about all this many times recently, and they are supportative, but that has not always been the case, and this is not the time to have them trying to make up for past mistakes.
My older and younger brother also have been asked not to visit, and for similar reasons. This medical procedure is difficult enough without getting into all the mess between my brothers and me. My sister is okay and understands me, no problemo. My youngest sister is deceased, and has been since I was 15. She was runover by a drunken driver, just outside our home. She was 5 years old. Died in ambulance, mercifully, she was very much on a thread with severe head injuries when the ambulance arrived. My family was devastated, and pretty well fell apart, my parents were no longer able to descipline us responsibly, afraid of losing or otherwise distancing themselves from their remaining children. Catherine was their second loss, their first was John, lost at birth, in post-war Germany, my dad was stationed there in the early 50's.
Alcohol was the ticket out, and I drank not to feel good, like as in a warm high, but to feel the depth of my anger, sadness, and even hatred. Booze and drugs, grass and acid, took me away from reality, and I milked that for every thing i could twist out of those drunken stoned times. I became quite sick with alcoholism as an illness as defined by AA.
At around age 21 I requested some corrective surgery to my right leg just below the knew so as to have it fit into a double sided upright leg brace from ankle to hip. I began to learn to walk again, and by age 24 I sobered up with a detox, 3 month rehab, AA, and gestalt therapy.
Two years into my sobriety I requested my right foot be amputated at the ankle, so as to fit an artifical foot to my modified leg brace. The surgeons agreed, and my walking improved and I was able to walk about a mile, without crutches, I was 26 years old. I liked to wear cowboy boots, lol. In my early 30's things again started to fail physically, and i needed back surgery to correct a spinal stenosis problem. A side affect of the surgery was my back was greatly permanently weakened, and i was strictly informed my days of sitting , walking, standing, whatever, were effectively over, except for short durations. I simply had to be able to change up my physical position, as needed, or else face the consequences. If I chose to ignore the medical warnings, I could expect to have more corrective back surgery, and this time with steel rods implanted because my back would simply be too weak to support me. I listened and semi-retired from work and my college years were left uncompleted. I dont need rods. Amen to that, lol.
In my forties, i was told to stop walking entirely, and they fitted me for a wheelchair. We then had our first official talks with amputating my leg. I pretty well refused their orders, and just kept walking on a broken down old brace that I would not throw away. Eventually, over a 5 year span, I was falling and tripping so much, even with a cane, and the pain was becoming unendurable, even for me, I simply had to stop walking entirely. I quit walking June of 2008.
I'm gonna stop here again, as i can feel me closing down, my anger keeping the sadness pushed down and around, and as i close down, I don't really care about what i'm sharing, you know? I become indifferent, and of course i want to stay vulnerable.
Thanks everybody for the excellent shares. I'm feeling the love, and its just what I need, so thanks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 18
Robby Thank you for posting about your new journey that you are about to embark & about your past journeys that have brought you where you are today. Please continue to post, I am rooting for you!
You have given so much to this forum, I have always enjoyed reading your posts since I got here 6 months ago. You always have a lot to offer to all of us. We are here for you just like you have been here for us!!
You have given so much to this forum, I have always enjoyed reading your posts since I got here 6 months ago. You always have a lot to offer to all of us. We are here for you just like you have been here for us!!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
So I got the call earlier today, and my in-hospital start day is booked for August 17th. This is very awesome! I'll be meeting with the anesthesiologist in a few weeks or so, to finalise the details and complete the agreements.
Its very gratifying to finally have an actual calendar date. As the process gains traction, I gain strength and clarity. The more real this whole deal becomes, the more real is my ability to deal with what is what.
Thanks for the many insightful comments, and interesting shares, guys, I appreciate the kindness and the surety of your collective support. I've more to say, I'm not done, thanks for being there for me.
Its very gratifying to finally have an actual calendar date. As the process gains traction, I gain strength and clarity. The more real this whole deal becomes, the more real is my ability to deal with what is what.
Thanks for the many insightful comments, and interesting shares, guys, I appreciate the kindness and the surety of your collective support. I've more to say, I'm not done, thanks for being there for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Robby, I've been reading your posts for quite a while and you strike me as a very grounded person. You've looked at life from a lot of different vantage points and have seen the good, bad and ugly in all of it. There's a special kind of wisdom that comes with that and you seem to be overflowing with it. You've thought this thing thru and have decided that it's your path with heart. Just keep in mind that the attitude you face this thing with will pretty much shape and form the mental outcome. You seem to have all the bases covered in that regard so all I can really offer are my best wishes. Stay strong, stay positive and again best wishes going forward.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by BASEjumper
What if you undergo the surgery and you feel the same afterward, and the mental transformation you mentioned doesn't happen? Are you prepared to live with the consequences of the surgery regardless of the outcome?
Thanks BASEjumper, really good question.
Seriously.The short answer is, yes I am. Its like I'm suffocating with the way things are presently, like I'm handi-capped, like I'm not playing with a full deck, even as strange as that may sound at first.
You see, why I haven't had it done sooner, is because once done there is no alternative solution which allows me to walk. My left-over stump will not be of enough length to accomadate an artificial device for walking. Although I could be fittted with something for standing perhaps, but not walking. Its surprising, but walking is actually a complicated orchestra of physics and bone and muscles.
I've always loved to walk, When I was 10, I walked for charity, you know, miles for millions thing, and I walked 17 miles out of a possible 20 mles to the finish. You see, I had polio when I was just like 11 months old, and to keep the share focused on your question, lets just say, I've never walked "normally" but walk i did! I was fitted with a simple basic circa 1960's leg brace, you know, all steel and leather, the kind you would see kids wearing in old b/w movies, or for Easter Seals, March of Dimes, Jerry's Kids.
Anyways, for whatever reason, I grew up not really "knowing" I was disabled, okay? And this meant, I just did things differently. The only thing I couldn't do properly, was run "fast" or do a good standing jump, because i couldn't bend my right leg wearing my brace.
Other than that, I was all that and more, as a kid, very physical and athletic, strong and healthy. Just picture a kid who was very fit, and just had this paralysed leg hanging off him, lol. All the muscles atrophied and the leg flail, the rest of me in superb physical form.
For my age group, in gymnastics, I was in the top tier. Same with wrestling, swimming, shot put, discus, soccer (goalie) baseball (slugger and pitcher)(and I had runners run for me, unless I really batted it into space, lol)
I was not good in boxing (couldn't do the footwork on my toes), football (couldn't engage with other players wearing a non-bending steel brace), hockey and skiing I tried, epic fail (again, not being able to bend both knees)
My very best was wrestling, and gymnastics. I was impossible to pin, and I was really strong in my upper body, and super flexiable. I could both feet behind my ears, and walk around on my hands. I could do splits effortlessly, I could do complete back arches with ease...
You know those ropes what used to hang from the ceiling in the school gyms? Well, I could climb those hand over hand and not even break a sweat, and just hang there, smiling. On the rings i could stretch my arms horizontal and just hold myself there, no problemo. One arm pushups, one arm chinups, 15 situps in under 10 seconds, could hold my breath for just over 2 minutes, tread water indefinitely (my body weight to lung capacity, and my reduced leg weight made me a perfect floater) all sorts of jumps and flips and manevours on pommel horse, and i could do a perfect landing on one foot, my left foot, lol. In gym class, I was routinely used as an example of proper form and technique.
Actually, I was on my way to being selected for the soon to be newly established (circa early 1970's) Ontario games for disabled, a brand new organization coming into its own.
At 12 years old I was built like a 16 year old. 6-pak stomach, and ripped chest, arms and leg ( not legs, lol). I could free weight press my own weight easily. By the time I was 15, I could stationary bench press 450 lbs 8 reps. Awesome.
Okay, enough. Sorry. I was something else, a total jock, and when the hip-fusion surgery was done to me July 1969, everything ended. Totally ended. It was not ended for just awhile, it ended for my entire life, and right up to now, still ended. I'm still an alpha athlete at heart and mind and soul though. Inside, I'm still me.
Only alcoholism defeated me physically. That and my hip-fusion surgery, that is.Now i'm about 50 lbs over weight. Even at 55 yrs old, I have 20" upper arms, and 15" forearms, 16" neck, 55" around the chest. Okay, enough.
What a blow hard bragger, lol.
My point is I'm still imprisoned. When the surgery was done, there was no way to undo it, and just go back to what I was. A real trainwreck. In trying to stay with sports, and as well just be myself, I managed to break my hip fusion twice, my femur twice, my knee joint once, all within the span from 12 to 18 yrs old. Before my hip fusion i never broke anything... and so the dots connect up with an ugly picture of a frustrated kid.
And then the was the pain, both physical, and psychic. A neat trick, is to put one hand on your hip joint, the ball and socket, and then just move any arm or leg, or shoulders, and you'll find your hips also moving automatically to keep you properly aligned and in good form and balance. Now imagine two steel plates, and over a dozen screw-bolts inserted directly through the ball and socket, and upper femur, totally immoblizing that hip joint. Then imagine as the surgery heals, the nerve tissue growing over that metal hardware. Then imagine stress being put on the joint from physical movement, and the nerves not able to sink into the steel, like they do in natural flesh, and so the nerves are stretched ever so slightly... and from that stretching of nerve fibers over lifeless metal produces unforgivable pain. Well, that would be my experience. Almost all movement brings me pain.
So no medical solution existed, and still does not exist, except amputation. But with amputation, my walking ability is totally erased.
So you see, I've always had to balance basic walking with pain management. And with out pain meds, since its my actual nerve fibers being physically stretched, only meds like demerol and morphine actually work for true relief. These meds build tolerance of course, so eventually they wouldn't work either, and i'd be dead, because i would have drank myself to death while medicating myself. So, no real pain meds for me, lol.
So by the time I was 18, I already had medical agreement for an amputation. I always refused, and wanted to walk. For the doctors, I've always been a sort of write-off, you know? Its alway's been me, as an adult who have gone to them asking and getting whatever, never them coming to me, because to them the solution has always been clear: amputation. It took all of 15 minutes for them to agree with my request, lol.
Well, since i simply can't walk anymore, no matter what I try to do, they finally have my agreement. I've been told I'm kinda unique in their experience, and they admire my unrelenting spirit to be all that i can be no matter the challenges or the pains taken to reach my goals.
Yeah, I can work with that.
In case its not clear, I have a well-oiled machine for an ego. Add to that my being alcoholic, and I'm completely off the hook, hahaha.
So,I gotta stop again. This really stoked up some anger and shame and yet it really helps me to get this out there and keeps me open so as I'm learning to not shut down and just beat the hell outta myself for blaming myself because i'm caught between a rock and a hard place, you know? I'm sorry if this dialogue is dis-jointed and spread out, but its difficult writing it in a consistent flowing manner.
Seriously, BASEjumper, this is the kind of dialogue that helps me get ready for my August 17, 2012 celebration with destiny!
Thank You.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by BackToSquareOne
Robby, I've been reading your posts for quite a while and you strike me as a very grounded person. You've looked at life from a lot of different vantage points and have seen the good, bad and ugly in all of it. There's a special kind of wisdom that comes with that and you seem to be overflowing with it. You've thought this thing thru and have decided that it's your path with heart. Just keep in mind that the attitude you face this thing with will pretty much shape and form the mental outcome. You seem to have all the bases covered in that regard so all I can really offer are my best wishes. Stay strong, stay positive and again best wishes going forward.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Albany NY
Posts: 1,212
As usual, Robbie, your posts are thought-provoking. I am glad to have met you.
Commencing with the revival of this thread recently, and asking such poignant questions about the use of anger before and after sobriety, I found myself unusually speechless and am grateful for the moments of reflection about the emotion, as it has been such a powerful motivator and a major detriment to my well-being in life, all at the same time. It is my go-to emotion; it comes too naturally, too easily and is like that old pair of slippers in times of distress.
I'm not done reflecting.....
Commencing with the revival of this thread recently, and asking such poignant questions about the use of anger before and after sobriety, I found myself unusually speechless and am grateful for the moments of reflection about the emotion, as it has been such a powerful motivator and a major detriment to my well-being in life, all at the same time. It is my go-to emotion; it comes too naturally, too easily and is like that old pair of slippers in times of distress.
I'm not done reflecting.....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Robbie, is anger always a bad thing? I believe I survived some very traumatic events in my life by operating on anger based emotions. We clearly can't live a life based on anger, resentment and bitterness as that would destroy us as sure as putting a gun to our head but doesn't anger have its place? I think that what I mean is that in some cases all we have left is anger and it gives us the kick in the ass that we need to move on to higher states of consciousness. Any thoughts?
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