Sally1009

Hmmmmm. I have a bit of a problem with the concept of taking responsibility. I believe alcoholism is a disease, and although I may be responsible for taking action to recover, I do NOT accept resposibility for being an alcoholic, or the things alcohol made me do while under the influence. To me they were symptoms of my illness.
For example, I am also a severe asthmatic. I didnt choose to have asthma, it isn't my reaponsibility. What IS my responsibility is that I take my astma medication, and always make sure I have a spare inhalet in case of emergencies.
Likewise, I didnt't choose to be an alcoholic. It wasn't on my list of things I wanted to be when I grew up. I dont't accept responsibilty for suffering from a hateful illness. If I did I would just be being a martyr. Some things aren't our fault.

littlefish

I was the world's greatest martyr and victim in active drinking. And, like you mention, I occasionally find the victim role very appealing.

A couple of tools I've found useful: the victim complex is built on a large measure of resentment. A really good way to tackle resentment is to, as I call it, dissect your thinking.
When I find myself having a resentment, I analyze the thought, take it apart and look at all the pieces. When I do this, inevitably, without a single exception, I find that my resentments include a falsehood, and/or have been based on an assumption I cannot prove.
Example: "my sons never helps with the dishes, I am a victim, they take advantage of me."
What is not factual there is that my kids DO help with the dishes, but in order to be the victim, I like to conveniently forget that. (Using the word "never" is the false element that takes me down the road to full blown resentment and victim complex).

The second tool I use is related to control. In most cases, I have to do a lot of manipulating to reach the point where I am treated like a victim. So the tool I use is to eliminate that desire to control.
"Oh, no, don't buy me a present."
That is one of my famous victim lines. It was a way for me to control and manipulate my loved one's into allowing me to play the victim.
In recovery:
"Well, of course you can buy me a gift. I would appreciate it very much!"

Terminally Unique

Rarely do I see such a clear and concise articulation of the mindset that characterizes many people in recovery. Thank you for sharing, Sally.

I really mean that.

rundown

I have been on xanax and alcohol forever it seems. I have quit xanax, thank goodness, now i just have to quit drinking. I havent wanted to bad enough yet. getting close to 50 but i love having drinks at night. i dont drink during the day but i do drink 6 to 8 beers every night. is that so bad????

Boleo

[QUOTE=fuaim;3341724

people will sit in meetings saying "We victamised other people "
yet in another breath say "there are no victims"..

[/QUOTE]

I thought I suffered some terrible experiences as the result of my drinking, yet now I see I was just making some terrible trade-offs as a result of my drinking. Drinking was such a powerful reward that I would go to any lengths to experience it again and again, no matter what the cost. The pain and consequences were trivial to me in comparison to the benefits.

After I stopped drinking, life's challenges seemed to get worse. However, as the result of my new attitude and spiritual fitness, it did not seem to bother me so much. In fact, when I am spiritually fit, nothing disturbs me enough that I feel like I am suffering.

"In this life - pain is inevitable - suffering is optional".

macknacat

good thread-
i was regularly beaten as a child . So it is true that i WAS a victim of abuse. and, sadly, it is also true that i abused my child. The emotional growth I have had to do around that is that: A] if I continue to excuse my actions and continue to see myself today as a victim , then i am still handing power over to the perpetrator from my childhood... and B] I need to start from a "base line" and change my behavior so that the chain is broken here and now... and i found 12 steps to be essential in creating a changed personality.

so some of this was good ol 12 step work- but later it did involve inner child work outside the area of traditional AA- fortunately I had a sponsor who had done deep stuff around his own childhood trauma and was there for me

and yeah- i had all the other victimizations - they can be sneaky: believing i had to sublimate my life for my family was definitely a way of creating and clinging to resentments [just one more "poor me' party]... but then again- so was having to pay a utility bill when i had spent all my money on booze or drugs...[those corporations are out to get me!]

ODAT63

Fuaim, Your lot is heavy, but your are a survivor. Hugs.

Spawn

I was the same way
but when I got into recovery
I learned how to take responsibility for my actions.

Making amends is a part of that process.

rubbersoul

Good thread! I find it very hard to admit that I have that self pity. It's a pride issue and I think it takes guts to admit it.

While I'm self pitying on one hand (one of the many reasons why I turn to drink) I'm also very hard on myself. Maybe that goes hand in hand, I don't know. "Everybody is out to get me but then again maybe I deserve it because..." kind of thinking.

I'm currently on anti depressants treating severe depression as I was having overwhelming thoughts of suicide just a few months ago and over the last year. I think its hard to get out of the mindset of believing you're a victim and deserve to be for whatever reason. In my case my reasoning was because I'm stupid/worthless and that's why bad things happen to me.

It's been diffcult to recover from the last episodes (I had this 2 other times in my life and it was milder then). Once I got too far into the suicidal thought process I've found it hard to recover from that even though I'm feeling so much better and don't think that way any more. There's a loss of diginity in it and maybe I don't respect myself so much because of it. It feels shameful and wrong. I'm scared of it.

Anyway, I'm babbling.

Thank you for the interesting topic!