klbutcher

My partner went to rehab for alcoholism, he came home and relapsed using cocaine and now that seems to be his primary drug.

He continues to tell me that he really does not want to use alcohol or drugs. That he wants to get better and that he will get better because he has too etc.... I really believe that part of him does feel that way, but not every part of him.

Apart from 5 months sober after rehab he uses/drinks every week or maybe two weekly at a push.

Addiction is complex, the abuse has changed the chemicals in his brain to depend on these drugs and that must be incredibly powerful but ultimately he does have a choice doesn't he. To recover or not?

However until he is really done with this, it will continue. He has to want recovery more than he ever wanted to use.

An alcohol counsellor once said to me, I have never met anybody who ''couldn't'' get better but some who ''wouldn't'' because they didn't really want to.

Am I thinking correctly?

Sapling

That probably holds true for me...Nobody had any luck telling me to stop...I had to be willing to do it...I may have had to have that willingness beaten into me by alcohol....But I finally gave up...Only then I could honestly work on recovery...I'd say your councellor was right...In my case anyway...

Anna

Are you getting any support for yourself? Have you tried AlAnon or NarAnon?

And, we do have a Friends & Families forum on these boards.

klbutcher

Hi Anna, yes I do. I have support and also that of family, friends and even my emplyer. This forum is also of great help.

Justfor1

klbutch, some people want to stop, seek help but still return to drinking/using worse than ever. It is the nature of addiction. It is very powerful.

klbutcher

Just for 1 - Does that mean that for some there is no hope?

Sapling

As long as you have a breath left in you...There is hope....It's how willing and to what lengths you will go to acheive your goal...that counts.

Sapling

Why don't you try this klbutcher....It won't cost you a dime and it can't hurt. Find some open AA and NA meetings in your area...That means you can go with him...Go to one a day for a week...Just sit and listen...He doesn't have to say a word...Neither do you. Maybe he'll hear something that flips a light on...Recovered alkies/addicts can do that...If he doesn't like it after a week......Let him try something else...At least a seed is planted and you have 7 hours that you know he didn't drink or use....What have you got to lose?

klbutcher

Thanks Sapling. Your posts are always of help to me. I find the whole situation quiet frightening, it sometimes makes me feel like he ''can't'' stop and I feel sad for him for that.

klbutcher

Hi Sapling, we have been to many AA meetings, I think they are great. He also went to rehab for 28 days intense therapy/treatment and was sober/clean for 5 months as a result...

I suppose then I have contradicted myself in my previous post by saying that he ''can't'' stop, because he did stop!

Sapling

You said they're is a part of him that wants to stop...See if you can find that part...Ask him if he'll just go for a week....One hour a day...Ask him if he'll do it for you...He might even start talking about recovery...You won't know if you don't try.

Sapling

Maybe he wasn't ready then...Maybe he is now.

klbutcher

He always seems a bit reluctant to go to AA, but absolutely no harm suggesting it and so I shall. He does also see an alcohol counsellor every 2-3 weeks and is going tonight... They plan on working the steps in his group counselling sessions very soon...

Sapling

All you can do is try klbutcher...Like I said...Maybe he'll hear what he needs to hear this time.

Justfor1

klbutch, no there is always at least some hope for an alcoholic. IMO recovery is not always a straight line. There are usually peaks and valleys when a person decides to get sober. Sadly, relapses are quite common. I have been to 7+ rehabs and currently been sober since October. Last year I was sober 90% of the year. IMO as long as your partner keeps trying eventually he will get the gift of sobriety.

klbutcher

Justfor1 - Thank you for replying. It must be tough for you. It is very inspiring that you never give up, giving up. Wishing you all the best.

Justfor1

Oh there were points when I think I did give up. Then I dusted myself off and tried again and again . I think most alcoholics/addicts know they are deep down inside. The denial thing is a myth. I was in denial of the destruction I was doing around be but knew I was a alcoholic.

klbutcher

Yes, that certainly rings true for my lovely hubby... He knows he is an addict and always will be, but our old enemy denial is back! He has a tendency to switch drug and so at the moment he is abusing cocaine more than alcohol and so in his head he ''isn't that bad'' He has forgotten the previous £7000 cocaine debt he had before he quit and replaced that with alcohol. I think his journey will be tough because he switches drug and each drug has to take it's toll before he gives it up! Mind you we know alcoholism progresses so he will never have the work up to it stage with that!

sugarbear1

My alcoholism, my inability to see myself and my actions clearly, showed up in more than just alcohol. Pot and cocaine, and not usually together, had their place in my life. Using the family as an excuse to stay stopped sounds like it's more of an enabling experience to me. He's not ready to stay stopped. Until he's ready and life isn't so wonderful, he might change his mind and stay stopped, until then, it sounds like he's really comfortable with the way things are.

Prayers & hugs,

klbutcher

Sugarbear, thanks, you are absolutely right. Things aren't totally out of control again for him yet, but they will be. No matter the drug, the outcome for him is always going to be the same. He has no control and the more he tries to control it the less he is going to be able to. He wants to be able to use, without his life falling apart ..... Of course that is never going to happen and somewhere along the line he is going to have to accept that...