Help me to understand.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
It's a plus for him that he has an empathetic and compassionate wife, he's quite fortunate in that respect.
Most generally in my experience if you have a coke addict then you have an alcoholic, as both substances seem to hit the same spot that we need hit. The problem is we have a spot that needs to be hit after we've had all the reality we can stand and it never leaves us. Adjusting how we operate within reality with all it's variables to avoid again visiting the spot-hitting-crisis point is how AAs stay sober for the rest of our lifetimes.
It doesn't matter in the least if he's desirous and sincere or not regarding someday stopping, or what he learned or missed learning from the therapist or the spin-dry, or what you may say or do. He's likely to shape up when the heat's on for a while and then be returned willing or unwilling to the only answer that he now has to stay sane. He'll need that much more as the problems he creates through his drinking pile higher and become more serious, but our tolerance declines and he'll eventually be rarely able to hit the target. He'll still try hard for that as it's all he can do, but it makes for a seriously miserable human being when the relief alcohol gives only to an alcoholic is denied to them.
Ordinarily under his own steam there is very little hope for him and by extension, yourself. Rehabs can pile up through the years and are just another bad thing we customarily go through, having no edge on jails, divorce, violence, job loss, or the rest in getting our attention. One's as good as another in that respect.
And what about AA? Pretty much a waste of time until he's willing to do anything to stop. Going occasionally and putting forth minimal effort is a waste of everyone's time. If he ever should become willing, it's a game changer and the possibilities immediately brighten tremendously. From that point hardly any of us drink or dope again.
Another route is for him to be heavily medicated, enough to bear reality without alcohol or taking street drugs which would improve your life measurably but carries with it a lot of truly terrible long term effects. What I see with those who take that route are frequent institutionalizations and serious ongoing mental difficulties after 15-25 years of heavy head meds. They are left unable to function normally.
For sure not what you or he would have chosen as being so, but being realistic about what you're both up against is a better place than processing a continuing series of false hopes.
Most generally in my experience if you have a coke addict then you have an alcoholic, as both substances seem to hit the same spot that we need hit. The problem is we have a spot that needs to be hit after we've had all the reality we can stand and it never leaves us. Adjusting how we operate within reality with all it's variables to avoid again visiting the spot-hitting-crisis point is how AAs stay sober for the rest of our lifetimes.
It doesn't matter in the least if he's desirous and sincere or not regarding someday stopping, or what he learned or missed learning from the therapist or the spin-dry, or what you may say or do. He's likely to shape up when the heat's on for a while and then be returned willing or unwilling to the only answer that he now has to stay sane. He'll need that much more as the problems he creates through his drinking pile higher and become more serious, but our tolerance declines and he'll eventually be rarely able to hit the target. He'll still try hard for that as it's all he can do, but it makes for a seriously miserable human being when the relief alcohol gives only to an alcoholic is denied to them.
Ordinarily under his own steam there is very little hope for him and by extension, yourself. Rehabs can pile up through the years and are just another bad thing we customarily go through, having no edge on jails, divorce, violence, job loss, or the rest in getting our attention. One's as good as another in that respect.
And what about AA? Pretty much a waste of time until he's willing to do anything to stop. Going occasionally and putting forth minimal effort is a waste of everyone's time. If he ever should become willing, it's a game changer and the possibilities immediately brighten tremendously. From that point hardly any of us drink or dope again.
Another route is for him to be heavily medicated, enough to bear reality without alcohol or taking street drugs which would improve your life measurably but carries with it a lot of truly terrible long term effects. What I see with those who take that route are frequent institutionalizations and serious ongoing mental difficulties after 15-25 years of heavy head meds. They are left unable to function normally.
For sure not what you or he would have chosen as being so, but being realistic about what you're both up against is a better place than processing a continuing series of false hopes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Leominster, Ma
Posts: 119
I believe that there are some that do not have recovery in them. case in point, my husband. have known several people that just don't have the "brakes", can't stop, don't know why, I think the disease overtakes them and then the brain goes and bad decisions become a way of life. I don't know in your case, I hope your partner sees that a drug is a drug, he's changed from one addiction to another, that is the way it is with some. I did that, substituted a healthy addiction after getting sober. getting high, drugs, alcohol all to escape, I think it is very hard for some people. I wish you all the best and your partner too, you're in the right place. lots of help here..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by klbutcher 
Just for 1 - Does that mean that for some there is no hope?
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Wishing your family the best.
Bob R
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by klbutcher
Am I thinking correctly?
One of the toughest things YOU may have to do is consider whether you want to be with him even if he NEVER changes........ cuz he may not. It seems mean, or rough, or tough-loveish....... but protecting an active alkie from the consequences of their drinking isn't good either. I know many dozens of folks with quality long-term sobriety who got their start after "the talk" with their spouse. Heck, I needed a kick in the butt from a judge....
It's not your responsibility to get him started in sobriety but you can make that an attractive option for him to consider (or at least make the alternatives less attractive).
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
You may find it very helpful to post in the Friends and Family section here. Please remember, you can't save him. He has to do this for himself, as difficult as it seems.
It doesn't mean you can't be there to support him but what happens to many is they spend so much time caring for the alcoholic/addict that they forget to take care of themselves.
Check out the stickies in the friends and family forum. They might help you out.
It doesn't mean you can't be there to support him but what happens to many is they spend so much time caring for the alcoholic/addict that they forget to take care of themselves.
Check out the stickies in the friends and family forum. They might help you out.
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