I need some advice!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
I need some advice!
Some of you may know my story, others may not, but I'll give you a little background. Drink and drugs dependent for 23 years, history of self harm, can get aggressive when extremely out of it, have been known to provoke very large people into giving me a kicking I disliked myself and my life so much, lost everything a few times round, and I have had everything, and more. Have a wonderful partner and toddler daughter, we are presently separated due to unavoidable issues, but nothing to do with our love for each other. Expect to be getting married this year, well.....................................
So I am going mad, I am waking up every morning not knowing what is real from what is unreal. I called back to the crisis team today to explain I was concerned about my fantasy awakenings. If you can imagine every day being a day that you have not wnown what you have done, things entering your mind and then something else, and something else and never really knowing what is going on. Things have been getting very bad the last couple of weeks as I have been having thoughts that I have hurt someone, even worse, and that is worrying beyond belief, my mind is completely out of control. I am pretty sure I have not hurt or injured anyone, or worse, but in my mind it is all so very real. I think I have been knocking on peoples doors and making excuses to come in, this can be at like 2am 3am, and so I am hoping this is a fantasy and not real as hopefully someone would have put a stop to this by now.
So my dilema is how to deal with this, the crisis team have asked me to go in tomorrow. If I undergo any more treatments I will not beable to work, I will lose my job defo. I will not be getting married, I will have to go into hospital again, and that will screw up much of my few options in life.
If I carry on, maybe one day I will get up and will have killed someone, or something of equal craziness.
I stress that this is not only when I have drank, this is a permanent issue, fault in my mind these days, I feel something is wrong with my entire thought process, I think crazy, wild thoughts, I do really self destructive things to bmy life and those around me.
How can I deal with this, it is so much more than a drink problem now, I think I have permanently damaged my brain from all the crap I've fed it over the years. If I didn't have a daughter then I know for sure I would not continue with this life, and that is no reason to find inspiration for life, I would like to be living life for myself.
Besides that, does anyone have ay tips for those who I might have offended over the time and if they were to confront me at some point.
So I am going mad, I am waking up every morning not knowing what is real from what is unreal. I called back to the crisis team today to explain I was concerned about my fantasy awakenings. If you can imagine every day being a day that you have not wnown what you have done, things entering your mind and then something else, and something else and never really knowing what is going on. Things have been getting very bad the last couple of weeks as I have been having thoughts that I have hurt someone, even worse, and that is worrying beyond belief, my mind is completely out of control. I am pretty sure I have not hurt or injured anyone, or worse, but in my mind it is all so very real. I think I have been knocking on peoples doors and making excuses to come in, this can be at like 2am 3am, and so I am hoping this is a fantasy and not real as hopefully someone would have put a stop to this by now.
So my dilema is how to deal with this, the crisis team have asked me to go in tomorrow. If I undergo any more treatments I will not beable to work, I will lose my job defo. I will not be getting married, I will have to go into hospital again, and that will screw up much of my few options in life.
If I carry on, maybe one day I will get up and will have killed someone, or something of equal craziness.
I stress that this is not only when I have drank, this is a permanent issue, fault in my mind these days, I feel something is wrong with my entire thought process, I think crazy, wild thoughts, I do really self destructive things to bmy life and those around me.
How can I deal with this, it is so much more than a drink problem now, I think I have permanently damaged my brain from all the crap I've fed it over the years. If I didn't have a daughter then I know for sure I would not continue with this life, and that is no reason to find inspiration for life, I would like to be living life for myself.
Besides that, does anyone have ay tips for those who I might have offended over the time and if they were to confront me at some point.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
I think there are some things we definitely need outside help with Scrub - and this sounds like one of them.
I think our health - including recovery issues and mental health - needs to be a priority.
Go and see the crisis team and be honest and open with them about whats been going on.
D
I think our health - including recovery issues and mental health - needs to be a priority.
Go and see the crisis team and be honest and open with them about whats been going on.
D
Soberliner
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: KC,MO
Posts: 73
I'm no expert on this at all. The best advise I could give is spend as much time outside away from material things for awhile till you can clear your mind alittle each day. Maybe even some yoga classes as well. I pretty much been living alone for awhile now, never had a pet before. Been trying to find my perfect puppy at the animal shelter. Cant wait till I do to have a 24/7 friend. anyways keep intouch, hope SR will be helpful for you 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
I arrived at a spot similar to what you're describing at the worst of my drinking. Neither of us want to be specific about the little flashes of memory that could be true or not. I get how frightened you feel. The flashes of partial memory blending with dreams and imagination nearly drove me mad and placed me in a near constant state of terror that I felt I could share with no one. How could I tell anyone without sending them screaming?
It was another 2 years before I stopped, but some of those things from that time occasionally haunted me for some years in sobriety.
One of the best things about living continually sober is that I know where I've been, and have no breaks in my conciousness. That may not be as important to others, but it is to me.
What I can tell you is the drinking caused me to get that sick, and though often I drank in an effort to shut it off or deaden it, it made it worse. I began to get better after some weeks away from a drink, and by the middle of my 2nd year it was all but gone.
I fell in with some AAs that understood. After a while I talked about this stuff in private with the guy I was closest to, and he told me he'd heard another member had the same thing going on. That was an important moment, hearing I wasn't the only one like me and that others like me had stayed sober. It meant that I could too.
You don't need to tell the world that stuff, here or in AA. You do need to stop making this worse for yourself, and begin to claw your way back to the real world. I've lived in reality all the time for a long time now, and want to assure you it's preferable and continually amazing.
It was another 2 years before I stopped, but some of those things from that time occasionally haunted me for some years in sobriety.
One of the best things about living continually sober is that I know where I've been, and have no breaks in my conciousness. That may not be as important to others, but it is to me.
What I can tell you is the drinking caused me to get that sick, and though often I drank in an effort to shut it off or deaden it, it made it worse. I began to get better after some weeks away from a drink, and by the middle of my 2nd year it was all but gone.
I fell in with some AAs that understood. After a while I talked about this stuff in private with the guy I was closest to, and he told me he'd heard another member had the same thing going on. That was an important moment, hearing I wasn't the only one like me and that others like me had stayed sober. It meant that I could too.
You don't need to tell the world that stuff, here or in AA. You do need to stop making this worse for yourself, and begin to claw your way back to the real world. I've lived in reality all the time for a long time now, and want to assure you it's preferable and continually amazing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 125
Thanks, I think it would make a huge difference if I could speak to someone who had at least heard it before, and knew that I wasn't really nuts, I am terrified that I am nuts, that is such a difficult thing to deal with, but it is a reality with the things I've pumped into my body over the years.
Part of me wants a way out, and try to make the most of what is left of my life happily, but in reality I catch myself several times a week searching the internet for the most painless ways to commit suicide, then I remember that if I'm gone no one can support my daughter and her mum, and that pulls me back into the land of the living. I had a long conversation with a nurse from the crisis team on the phone today, it is difficult to explain that you are not suicidal but really wouldn't mind if I was killed in an accident or naturally, it seems that this emotion is not something they can relate to.
I dunno, if I take this help then I lose my job, I lose my job I can not provide for my family, right now this is why I exist, if they didn't then I wouldn't, and what good is a man who can not provide for his family, no good, and so how can I take help.
I think if I could get these images/memories/fantasies of my killing someone in their home then I could find a way through it, but it is so real in my mind, I know there is a dog involved, a little dog, a driveway on a slope, houses, mailboxes, what is going on in there, it's terrifying, and I know it isn't real, or most of it isn't real. Does everyone know I'm a bit crazy and that is why no one comes to the house to complain about me knocking on doors at silly hours through the night, or is this entire thing all in my mind, and if so, then why.
You know how difficult it is to try to tell someone you have images in your mind referring to someone being killed! And so now I have terrified myself again by bringing it all back to the forfront of my mind, real, fantasy, flashbacks, over active imagination, whatched too many films.
Part of me wants a way out, and try to make the most of what is left of my life happily, but in reality I catch myself several times a week searching the internet for the most painless ways to commit suicide, then I remember that if I'm gone no one can support my daughter and her mum, and that pulls me back into the land of the living. I had a long conversation with a nurse from the crisis team on the phone today, it is difficult to explain that you are not suicidal but really wouldn't mind if I was killed in an accident or naturally, it seems that this emotion is not something they can relate to.
I dunno, if I take this help then I lose my job, I lose my job I can not provide for my family, right now this is why I exist, if they didn't then I wouldn't, and what good is a man who can not provide for his family, no good, and so how can I take help.
I think if I could get these images/memories/fantasies of my killing someone in their home then I could find a way through it, but it is so real in my mind, I know there is a dog involved, a little dog, a driveway on a slope, houses, mailboxes, what is going on in there, it's terrifying, and I know it isn't real, or most of it isn't real. Does everyone know I'm a bit crazy and that is why no one comes to the house to complain about me knocking on doors at silly hours through the night, or is this entire thing all in my mind, and if so, then why.
You know how difficult it is to try to tell someone you have images in your mind referring to someone being killed! And so now I have terrified myself again by bringing it all back to the forfront of my mind, real, fantasy, flashbacks, over active imagination, whatched too many films.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Scrub, I knew a girl that had scizophrenia. Her thoughts, fantasies and reality were all kind of mixed together, she had a hard time seperating them. She did very well on the proper meds and is quite functional. Not saying you have anything like that but most mental health issues can be treated. I would agree with Dee that some things need to be left to the professionals.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 8
Scrub and needing help
hey scrub
the images or visions you describe may be due to several different conditions. here are some things to consider. did you have these before you started drinking and using? if the answer is yes you may have a condition that would require medication. square one mentioned a friend who is doing better because of the meds. if these things started happening after you started getting loaded, the same might be true. in other words, the drinking and using triggered an underlying problem. the other possibility is that your drinking and using have caused some malfunctioning of your brain. don't forget that alcoholism is a disorder of the brain. when we develop the habit of ingesting chemicals, the brain begins to malfunction. the more we do that, the more serious this malfunction becomes. there are more than a few sober members of AA that heard voices, music, knew people were following them, etc. and after being clean and sober for a while, those problems went away. you didn't mention if you are clean and sober and if so for how long. that is another important part of the puzzle. finally, you mentioned providing for your daughter, etc. and if you go in for treatment you might jeopardize that situation. but, scrub...if you don't get help for this problem (either through extended sobriety, medication or both), how well will you be able to provide for your daughter and yourself. what ever is going on, it can be solved but you need to be willing to participate with those who are trying to help. what ever you choose to do, my experience over a number of years leads me to feel secure in saying that it will be easier if you don't try to handle it all by yourself. AA definitely works to heal the brain. whether you will need additional help i can't say. DON'T LOSE HOPE!! GET INTO ACTION. YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER.
peace
yrag(gary)
the images or visions you describe may be due to several different conditions. here are some things to consider. did you have these before you started drinking and using? if the answer is yes you may have a condition that would require medication. square one mentioned a friend who is doing better because of the meds. if these things started happening after you started getting loaded, the same might be true. in other words, the drinking and using triggered an underlying problem. the other possibility is that your drinking and using have caused some malfunctioning of your brain. don't forget that alcoholism is a disorder of the brain. when we develop the habit of ingesting chemicals, the brain begins to malfunction. the more we do that, the more serious this malfunction becomes. there are more than a few sober members of AA that heard voices, music, knew people were following them, etc. and after being clean and sober for a while, those problems went away. you didn't mention if you are clean and sober and if so for how long. that is another important part of the puzzle. finally, you mentioned providing for your daughter, etc. and if you go in for treatment you might jeopardize that situation. but, scrub...if you don't get help for this problem (either through extended sobriety, medication or both), how well will you be able to provide for your daughter and yourself. what ever is going on, it can be solved but you need to be willing to participate with those who are trying to help. what ever you choose to do, my experience over a number of years leads me to feel secure in saying that it will be easier if you don't try to handle it all by yourself. AA definitely works to heal the brain. whether you will need additional help i can't say. DON'T LOSE HOPE!! GET INTO ACTION. YOUR LIFE IS NOT OVER.
peace
yrag(gary)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,427
Scrub
like I said before I think this is one of those times when, whatever the cause, you need professional help to try and work this out.
None of us here are Drs and we shouldn't try to be.
Good luck with your appointment today - I hope you'll update us at a later date.
D
like I said before I think this is one of those times when, whatever the cause, you need professional help to try and work this out.
None of us here are Drs and we shouldn't try to be.
Good luck with your appointment today - I hope you'll update us at a later date.
D
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