vichloe

And I haven't had to say I'm sorry for my behavior once! It reminds me of the Barenaked Ladies song..

Its been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said youre crazy
Five days since you tackled me
Ive still got the rug burns on both my knees
Its been three days since the afternoon
You realized its not my fault not a moment too soon
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
And now I sit back and wait till you say youre sorry

Quitting alcohol has been easier physically than mentally. Reading posts and talking to doctors had me so freaked out about withdrawals. I thought I'd be on the floor, foaming at the mouth, biting my tongue off. I was irritable, had some headaches and blood pressure problems but actually it wasn't bad.

The hard part is I feel like I'm standing on the San Andreas Fault line. My whole life is shifting. I guess it's because I'm actually living instead of slowly killing myself. Feeling is a lot harder for me than being numb. Thinking is more taxing than being a zombie. This is life, reality and plenty of people do it sober, I've just got to put my big girl panties on and keep walking.

Everything has changed. My eating habits, I used to eat a lot of unhealthy food. I cooked like Paula Deen, fried chicken in crisco, eggrolls, pizza. I can't eat anything fried right now. I crave fruits and salads. I have drank gallons of water and don't pee like a Russian race horse either. I would pee every 15min. when downing gins. We haven't gone though a case of toliet paper this week.

Intimacy is different. I used to think I was Nina Hartley in the bedroom when I was trashed. Now, I know I was a bumbling idiot, falling off the bed, telling him to hurry up or laying there like a dead fish. I actually cried the first time we were intimate this week sober because I actually felt loved. It's not something I do because it will "shut him up" now. I actually feel timid, like I am in highschool and not really sure what to do.

The hardest part is I am reevaluating my career path. I have had my doubts about being a chef since baby Violet was born. With two young girls, I don't know that I want to be gone every night. Now that I am sober, being a chef seems even more unappealing. You see, most chefs are addicts. It's part of the job. The intense enviroment, long hours. After your shift and being around food all night, you hit the bar. Almost every chef I know has some sort of addiction, smokes, drugs or drinks. Sobriety is more important than becoming a famous chef. I am thinking about getting a degree in physical fitness and health technology. I have always loved working out, it gives me a natural high. I could become a personal trainer and with my culinary background, I could create healthy meal plans for clients.

I am not going to make any rash decisions just yet. My brain is just starting to function normally again. And right now, I have brain overload. I am so glad I found this forum. I look forward every day to reading your stories, it makes me laugh and cry. Most of all, I feel understood.

doggonecarl

Congrats on your first week. I think your reflection on where are and where you are headed is a healthy part of new recovery. I know the urge is to make up for lost time. Wise of you to take it slow.

Stay strong.

BackToSquareOne

You're a fighter Vichloe, I think for you it's only going to be a question of which way you choose to win the game. I doubt that your demons stand much of a chance of stopping you from doing anything.