InsertNameHere

Hello again everyone,

I stopped posting because it didn't seem to be doing me any good. But neither was not posting and just going to the chat room obviously as the last time I went there I was drunk and don't even remember what I said. I would like to appologize if for nothing else, then for going there drunk and if I said anything I shouldn't have. I would have gone back and appologized in person but there was a power surge at my house that fried my computer and internet router so I am back to no internet at the house.

I am hoping that I am ready to quit this the withdrawls yesterday were all I could think about. I have brought my clothes to work and a blanket so I pretty much plan on staying at work and just not going home, as if I go home I can't guarente that I won't drink. At work at least I can say that I will not drink. there is a very comfortable couch here for me to crash on (whenever I can actually sleep). I did poor out any beer left in the fridge but that has hardley stopped me before. Man I really hope this is the day.

Just for the record because it always comes up, for now AA is not an option due to geographical limitations, meaning where I live there is no AA. I know that sounds like an excuse but it is the truth. I really would like to attend a meeting because at this point I am willing to try just about anything. I have quite a few books on the subject and am trying to force myself to read them, although I am finding it hard to concentrate on any one thing for very long (gee I wonder why?). Well that is me for the day, I am not sure if I will continue posting or just try reading more but hopefully I can at lest make it through today.

Thanks for listening.

INH

vichloe

I know AA helps a lot of people here but you don't need AA to quit. If you feel like you really need it, you could attend online AA meetings.

You just need to make the choice you are finished with alcohol. Sometimes, in my weak moments, I listen to songs that pump me up and give me strength. Your post reminded me of Eminem's Lose Yourself:

"This is my one last shot, feet fail me not. This may be the only opportunity that I got.. You can do anything you set your mind to man!"

Good luck, you can do this!

InsertNameHere

Well I am feeling a lot better this Afternoon/Evening tired from lack of sleep latley even with drinking, but that is to be expected. I have been charging through Alen Carrs "the easy way to stop drinking" pretty much forcing myself to sit here and read it occaisionally throughout the day. It is giving me a little bit of a different perspective on the problem, as in turning the blame away from me at least a little which does help with my emotional state. I tend to do the whole "I suck" routine a lot internaly which of course drives me to drink to alleviate that depression which in turn creates more depression.

I am pretty darn sure that i am not going to be drinking tonight, now if I can just force that into being a regular thing, I want to make it longer than my past record which is 10 days. I know that I wil feel better in a couple of days but that is when the danger will hit, because I will start to feel good and think "hey its alright for you to down some beers its the weekend kick back". I read the recent post by Ethos and now am thinking more along the lines of where that few beers will take me, its not a good place. Well here is to nothing but water and maybe coffee tonight and after I finish up the work I am procrastinating on by reading and comming here, sitting down for some more reading haha.

INH

2granddaughters

INH, you have to look at attending AA meetings the same way as drinking....

If you heard that a bar in the next town was giving away free beer every night from 7-9pm, I bet you would find a way to get there.

I wish you the best.

Bob

InsertNameHere

Made it through last night fine, I finished up some work and reading "the easy way to quit drinking", then slept in the office. Same plan for tonight, only this time I am going to pick up rational recovery or the BB online and read some of that before bed.

Bob, sincerly thank you, I have promised Sapling that when I get back to the states (drinking or not) I will hit up an AA meeting. But that is a couple of years out well maybe like 9 months out it all depends on where i go next, as they could have AA. For now they really do not have meetings anywhere in the country that I am living, very third world, and if they did it wouldn't be in english, so i am outa luck for a while there. But thank you, and I will say at my first opportunity I will check one out, just to see what they are like if nothing else. Hell if I take any vacation days in the states I will look one up. (and I might do just that for the meeting)

INH

scrambled2012

you were honest, regretful, and feeling disapointed in yourself in the chat room Insert.

You didn't say anything wrong.

You are welcome there at any time.

InsertNameHere

Thanks for that Scrambled I really only vaguely remember going there and then leaving and then coming back, I was a little concerned and am just glad that is doesn’t seem like I hurt anyone’s feelings or annoyed anyone.

Any how I am doing my best to reflect on what I read in "the easy way to stop drinking", I have a little sticky on my monitor that says "Eureka I'm Free!" and reminding myself that I am glad to be finished drinking a debilitating poison. I am mainly hoping that if I can convince myself of this different point of view it will help me over the next few days and weeks. I think I am going to read a little of it again tonight just to remind me of his way of thinking about it. Also cracking open “Rational Recovery”, as it can’t hurt to have more than one opinion.

Still just staying at work and fully plan on doing so this weekend, I did go home to grab some food and extra clothes but made sure that I was not entertaining any thoughts of staying. I will have to eventually but not right now.

INH

Dee74

my advice is don't hope you're ready INH - be ready

Do whatever it takes for you not to drink - sometimes you'll need to go a little out of way for that - but like Bob says I remember walking miles for a beer, in a tropical storm, with a bad leg...

You can do this
D

seanie1888

Hi,
I keep the picture of the pitcher plant from Alan Carr's book in my head quite a lot, hopefully we all get out wit our taste of honey b4 we hit the bottom

InsertNameHere

Man this is hard, I don't know what to think anymore. I keep saying I won't drink anymore but come the end of the day I find myself planning where to go to get beer and when I can justify leaving rationally so that the corner store is still open and I can drink myself into oblivion in the house. I have everything I need to stay at the office but I keep convincing myself to go home. I even brought my favorite blanket and enough clothes to last the week. There is a shower in the bathroom so no problem! But I keep not staying.

I guess since I am making my way through "Rational Recovery" I should say that "my Beast keeps convincing me to go home. I really do like drinking and understand the idea that drinking is a conscious choice I just don't know if I am done with it yet.

I know that a couple of factors aggravate my desire to drink mostly my own procrastination and frustration with work causing feelings of worry that the beer drowns out. Also being able to sleep is a big one, as whenever I go without I rarely get more than 3-4 hours a night and often it is much less than that.

Procrastination is the biggest one I think. Procrastination keeps me from going to the gym or for a run; it keeps me from fulfilling my obligations at work, which is going to catch up to me eventually.

I did solve one problem that was causing issues and that was hiring someone to clean my house on a regular basis. I would get bombed and cook something making a mess that I would only partially clean up, then because my house was a wreak I would feel bad and drink causing the house to get even more dirty. Come to think about it the issues that aggravate my desire to drink, are in turn aggravated by drinking. Really who feels productive and confident after polishing off 15 beers 8 hours ago?

I don't know where I am going with this just wanted to get it out to someone.

That is something else that I miss even if I am a little anti-social, well maybe a lotta anti social I still enjoy the company of one or two GOOD friends and I just don't have that here. In the past I have always been in close proximity to people that I had a lot in common with so finding someone to "buddy up" was much easier. Now it is not so much. I have tried with the locals but mostly they don't speak English and if they do all they want from me is money a white face in Africa along with my clothes flags me pretty quickly as "rich". I am not "rich" by western standards (not in the least) but by there’s I am doing pretty darn well. So that is another issue I suppose.

How to fix all of this? Let’s see, I would have to really start to concentrate on work, beginning with small achievable goals. Stop putting off big projects that need done because I feel under qualified to accomplish them, and start reading all of the rules and manuals that govern the workplace.

Also I would have to set up some kind of workout routine that is directed to me, because I know that if I don't have it in writing Monday this happens Tuesday this happens etc I won't do it.

I know all of the above would help but I also know that it won't fix the problem. I drank before I had all of these problems, back when I had friends (all of whom drank), was very confident in my job, and did work out somewhat, I still drank. So I know the above won’t solve anything but it can't hurt either.

But then we are back to the procrastination and the knowing that I won't do all of the above. Or if I do it will be not even half heartedly.

So I know the situation I am in I am aware of it at least to some degree, I have a possible solution, or if not solution a buffer against making it progressively worse. I know what I should do but I consistently do not choose to do it. That in turn makes me depressed and hateful towards myself, which turns me to drinking, which after the initial elation makes me more depressed.

I have honestly considered more than once just giving up and calling my boss telling him the whole truth, that wouldn't get me completely fired but it would send me back to the states possibly for treatment and mar my record with the company along with possibly resulting in legal action. But I keep thinking if I can just pull it together, fix this then there is no problem, I know life will go on and I will be successful. If I just do what needs to be done then things will get better they really will. But if I continue down this path which I seem to be so dead set on, things are fixing to get a hell of a lot worse. I may not know the details but I can see the clouds on the horizon and I know a $hit storm when I see one. The only question is how bad will it get?

I know this is a tune that has been sung by me and quite a few others before, and I don't mean to obligate anyone to reply. Once again even if it doesn’t really help I just wanted to get it off of my chest.



INH

PS: I apologize for my lack of grammar, and punctuation skills writing has never been one of my strong suits. Spellcheck is one of the best inventions ever.

F355

INH,

I just wanted to write you a quick message to offer you some encouragement, man. First of all, I know that I happen to relate to everything that you've said, and I'll bet a lot of other people here do, too. I am always encouraged by the fact that others here have achieved long-term sobriety, even if it took them 5, 10, or 20 years to finally get there. I think that for most alcoholics, the road to recovery is a bumpy one at first, and that first stretch can take quite awhile to get through.

That said, I have also been reading through the Rational Recovery book, and have found it to be quite a revolutionary way to look at addiction and recovery. I have noticed that for most people here who've managed to get sober, they have used some kind of group/program for support. It is one thing to sober up for a little while, but quite another to stay sober in perpetuity. So it seems to me that for those of us who are struggling the way that you and I have been, with some partial sobriety followed by a return to drinking, it makes sense to try out some of these groups/programs until we find out what works for us.

Hey, the last time that I drank was last week, which I wasn't proud of by any means. But now I am regrouping and trying a different approach, with the help of Rational Recovery and AVRT. Perhaps just the notion of trying something new, whether it be AVRT or AA or something else, might give you the encouragement/support you feel that you need right now?

Just a thought... good luck on your path to sobriety!!!

ABIDEBYLAW

People may take this the wrong way, but I am not a regular poster, so bear with me please.
Advising your boss of your current problems and possibly "marring" your record and your employement status, should not be considered. Having and keeping a good job in today's environment is extremely tough. Do whatever it takes to sober up and keep your job.
I have been at the same job for over 20 straight years and have been drinking the entire time. I am not proud of this. Most people would not be able to do this, yet I have persevered and done whatever it takes to retain my employment. When I am down and out and thinking of quitting, I think how my beautiful daughter would look at her Father as being a complete failure in life if I did in fact quit. My daughter already has it very tough with her Mother requiring psychotherapy, psychiatric medication, and allegedly being unable to work due to her "sickness". I will not let our daughter have a reason to believe that not working and relying on goverment assistance, family money, and/or child support is an acceptable way to live your life. My daughter deserves better! I am better than that and always will be.
Wake up and sober up. If you need a reminder of who is responsible for your own actions,look in the mirror and you will see the truth. I will not quit, neither shall you. We are all in this together.
Never give up and May God bless you.

Terminally Unique

Revolutionary indeed, even 18 years after it was first published as 'The Final Fix'. So much so that when AVRT matured, RR effectively became an underground movement by necessity. They don't even bother to advertise anymore, relying instead on word-of-mouth recommendations.

F355

TU, for me, as a staunchly secular and areligious kind of a person, one of the most humiliating experiences approaching recovery initially was the message (voiced by many) that AA was the ONLY way to get sober. That if I was unwilling to get religion, so to speak, the religion of AA's doctrines, I was doomed to failure. And yet, deep down, I always knew that this view MUST be hogwash.

That said, I am definitely not knocking AAers where AA has worked for them in achieving sobriety. Whatever works for someone else, more power to them. But AA really ISN'T for everyone, and is by NO means the ONLY way to get sober and stay sober.

Terminally Unique

F355, one of the interesting things about AVRT is that many 'fans' are in fact staunchly religious. It certainly has many secular fans, but AVRT is actually perfectly congruent with Christian redemption.

InsertNameHere

I wouldn't loose my job per say just my current position I don't know if that makes sense. especially in comming forward help is offered but it does have its disadvantages. I have survived up and until this point and think that I could do so in the future "maintain" I mean. Only now my drinking bothers me whereas before it really didn't I had convinced myself pretty well that it wasn't a problem. Now I realize that it is.

Trying really hard to not drink today. All of my plans to not do so in the past have fell through and I am forming the dangerous habit of practising failure and becoming acostumed to it. The more times I fail the more it becomes "okay" and I just accept more and more that I can't do this. battling as I type this to just go home and crack open a beer because I know it will make it all "go away" and I will feel better. But then I will be right back to this feeling all over again; regret, anxiety, stress, worry, failure.

I want this to go away unfortunatly wishing isn't going to do it, I have to.

INH

Tinder

Dear INH,
Negative conditioning is not the best way to handle yourself! Whether it's dolphins, dogs or people, positive reinforcement is a much healthier way to train new behaviors. Think of this as training, or shaping, a new behavior in yourself. So instead of concentrating on the shame of the issue, concentrate on the positives of not drinking. You don't have a hangover. You haven't spent good money on bad booze. You have made it 24, or 36, or whatever hours without drinking. Sit there, when you've got a quiet moment at work, and really work on encouraging yourself. Say, "Hey, I'm doing really well right now. I know I feel crappy and frightened, but I'm doing well by not drinking. Good for me." Really practice spending some very positive time with yourself. Another suggestion which is helping me immensely is the 21 day meditation challenge from the Chopra Center. If you do a Google search for "21 day challenge Chopra" you will get the link. It's free, it's web-based, and it's marvelous. Try doing it in the morning and in the evening.

DayTrader

I know a boat load of ppl in AA who've taken the first step what would disagree.....

Don't get me wrong, I get your point, and I agree.....but not 100%.

Surrendering to my reality - that I wasn't able to keep myself sober was and is a key part of the 1st step in AA.

Acknowledging, down to my innermost being, that I've been a failure was very liberating. On the other hand, continually telling myself "it's ok, you got it this time, you're doing fine" (when it wasn't true, was fantastically damaging.

In my experience, positive affirmations only work when they're true...

InsertNameHere

Warning this is just a confused and wandering rant of my thoughts better suited for a jornal you may want to just ignore it.

I am completley grappeling with the idea of drinking again! it is like a constant argument in my mind screaming back and forth begging for the "thoughts" to shut the hell up! I also think that I am loosing this argument. I if there were a beer in front of me right now I would practically force it down my throat. guzzeling ever single drop until it was empty and then grabbing another. I wouldn't care if it was cold or warm or whatever it would just be good. I feel like all I am doing right now is delaying the enevitable and that means that I will be just starting at 9 PM instead of now and that makes me up later and desperate to get that high before the time when I know I will have trouble waking up in the morning. ARGH!! another thought of drinking!! another plan to get beer they are every ten seconds telling myself ways in which it would be possible and even enjoyable. Man this is hellatious. I have really got a problem and am only recently waking up to this fact. trying to quit is way more challenging then actively using even with all of the trouble that it causes. Well there goes another example of me loosing this fight. I don't know what I am going to do but I am putting together the peices of where this is going and it isn't good.

INH

2granddaughters

I have to agree with DayTrader, until I admitted I was beaten I couldn't recover.

First Step says "our lives had become unmanageable"... my best efforts got me there and I needed a NEW manager.

I wish you the best INH.

Bob R