Terminally Unique

So, what are you going to do to get that one week dry? Obviously just hiding out at the office doesn't cut it for you. Once you get that one week dry, I'm going to pop the big question at you, and you what that is by now. If you can't figure out a way to get that little amount of time in, I really don't know what to tell you at this point, other than to have someone literally lock you up like an animal. Perhaps someone else will chime in, because I'm out of ideas.

soberlicious

INH, I agree. I think you are "this close" to some clarity. From your posts, it seems you can "see" it...that clarity is so close, yet so far away. It's like trying to grab a robe that is swinging above you in the wind. Bite the bullet and do whatever you have to do to not drink for 4/5 days, so that you can grab onto a little corner of that clarity and hang on. Once you break through to the other side, you can start pulling hand over hand and more aggressively address the next phase.

For me, Once I realized I was being yanked around and controlled by the beast, I was really p*ssed off. I do not like being made a fool of, and the realization that my beast was laughing at me, getting exactly what it wanted because I was so easily duped, it was game over. Some may call pride a "character defect", which is fine. I can tell you it gave me the strength to push through to the other side. There was a day when I was happy to simply lay down and die. No more...Never again.

InsertNameHere

True I have gotten pretty good at not quitting. I feel firm in my decision to quit most days and not so much others but I always change my mind in the evenings.

Yes I know what that is and have been thinking about it I just haven't made up my mind yet, you would think i would have with some of the stuff I have posted in the past but I guess not.

I am a very indecisive person, and a procrastinator, I tend to just go with the flow and have usually had people in charge of me that told me what I had to do. No problem there so long as it is laid out for me I do it. But when it takes personal initiative I falter, and just let things go by the wayside.

Thank you for the invaluable advise that you have given me thus far. I know it must be frustrating, like teaching a ******** kindergartener, I keep saying yes I understand but then keep getting the answers wrong on the test. You have given me a literal how to manual for quitting and then sat down and explained it over and over and I keep getting it fouled up. I thank you for your persistence.

soberlicious

LOL I had to laugh at your "******** kindergartener" analogy. As a teacher of young children, and the mother of a disabled child, I can tell you that both the very young and the disabled can use tools that are handed to them. They have the distinct benefit of not having a chemical clouding their faculties. You can do it too. I will say it again, you can do it too.

InsertNameHere

Oooo I forgot about that, I do rememeber reading that from your posts. I didn't mean any offense and it dosen't seem like you took it that way, I have a twisted/dark sense of humor sometimes and am not exactly PC.

But if I remember right neither are you

soberlicious

LOL, INH you are right about that In general, I have a distaste for what is touted as "political correctness", but that's a whole other thread.

So actually you might consider acting a little more like a ******** kindergartener. They progress despite any perceived limitations. What are you going to do?

soberlicious

Your beast is calling the shots with this kind of language. YOU are not indecisive, a procrastinator, etc.
Really? You are going to accept this as truth? You don't have to, you know that, right?

ANEWAUGUST

Now..I can totally identify with you!

I realized that I lacked self-discipline when I was trying to get sober.
I procrastinate and pontificate...I just didn't take action.

So, my first "action" was the decision to give sobriety a shot and follow the advice of others.

After all, they weren't drinking, and I still was.

InsertNameHere

When all evidence points to the fact that it is true, ummm yes (not trying to sound like a smart alec). I am kind of a lazy a$$ and I know it, also an attention seeker, people pleaser and obviously not very confident/overly critical of myself. I just view those issues as separate from the alcohol issue though I have no doubt that they are aggravated by it.

Even before I started drinking I still barley graduated from high school lost jobs by being late consistently, wreaked a car because I didn't do basic maintenance on it stuff like that. I have done some work on getting me together and liking myself and believe it or not alcohol helped with some of that as it let me express my low self worth rather than hiding it away in shame. Now however it is in the way. I am mentally a lot better than I was eight years ago but still don't have your sense of "pride" in myself except in certain things.

That was one reason for my mentioning of using alcohol as a scapegoat, because lately I have been blaming everything on the fact that I drink when it should be I drink and have these issues and the drinking isn’t helping in point of fact it is injurious.

If that is the "beast" talking than it has been with me a while (I know it has always been there).

soberlicious

I understand. Hard to know for sure, though, until you put the bottle down.

I am not saying you should or shouldn't accept anything about yourself. I am simply saying you might consider challenging the ideas you currently hold as truths about yourself. Keeping my "issues" all swirled up with my drinking kept me in limbo. "The way I am" kept me watching the endless loop of my lame life, without ever really taking any action. For me, the initial plan was 1.) Stop drinking for good. 2.) Go from there.

My sense of pride, strength, and confidence was hard won, btw.

Terminally Unique

INH,

A couple of things:

Firstly, consider that your 'issues' do not cause your addiction, and that instead, your addiction causes your 'issues'. This should make things a little simpler for you.

Secondly, you have learned some very simple AV recognition, but you are not recognizing certain feelings as that of the Beast. You need to realize that many of these feelings you think are your own are in fact those of your Beast. Beasts have feelings, after all. In fact, the Beast originates in the Limbic system, so it is essentially all feelings and no thought, nothing more than a feelings crybaby.

You will feel its feelings, but you have to be willing to let it suffer. Can you do that, INH? Can you sit there and not only feel the Beast suffer, but also be glad that it is suffering? If you are worried about how much the Beast will suffer, remember that it has been ruining your life, and that it will eventually kill you the hard way if you let it.

Something to consider that might get your wheels turning:

Who is making the Big Plan? You or your Beast? Naturally, your Beast will have a big problem with such a decision, since it views it as death by deprivation, and accordingly, you can feel it squirm. Why would you have any problem making the decision, though? Don't you want to finally be able to walk free, no longer a slave to this thing?

MrDavid

If I were you, I'd reread your thread 'before' not 'after' you take the next drink. It would be a smart move, for sure. The thread was enlightening, and educational. So please do. Alcohol addiction is hard to overcome, isn't it? Especially with the limited choices you have. Internet forums, like this one, are a welcome addition to any recovery routine, so stick around and enjoy the company. As for as drinking goes, it does make sense to remove ourselves from harm’s way before something bad happens - but at what expense. Moving into a temporary home at your job, however, seems a bit much, doesn’t it? There's work and there’s life beyond our job, so don't confuse the two. If you’re unhappy with the lifestyle you lead at home, than re-purpose your surroundings to better suit your new found freedom. It can't hurt, now can it? I hope you remain sober and in the confines of this wonderful internet forum here on "SR". It’s worth all the effort we put into it every day.

InsertNameHere

Didn't have any new thoughts today so I started rereading this thread from the begining, and realized its remarkable how much of a short term memory I have for what I am thinking. That might be the cloud of alcohol or it might just be that I have a crappy memory I have always forgoten things mainly because I was overly concered about other stuff. So perhaps the fact that I use this site almost like a Jornal that anyone can look at is a good thing it will give me the opportunity to read what I was thinking months ago and see where it is flawed or see what I learned that I had forgoten about. I think I am going to go back to my first thread and see how my opinions and thoughts have improved or failed to do so. As I was just reading what i was saying last week and it seemed to be all new to me again. I especially want to see what I said during the 10 or so days that I had sober.

dybehfar

Hi INH.

I have been quitting on and off for the past two and a half months. I usually make it between 4 - 12 (only once 12) days before I drink again. Lately I drink Friday - Sunday. Every Monday I have started over and gone through the hangover and slow clearing just in time for Friday. Lather, rinse, repat. Completely stupid.

Each time I gain a little more clarity. Unknowingly I started following TU advice of making a little plan with an eye on the big plan. My current plan is a 30 day plan and I enlisted my wife's help on this one to "keep me honest". I am at 7 days today. I have recognized "The Beast" voice lately (though I call it by a completely socially unacceptable term showing it my utter contempt for it) and have been shutting it down when it comes up.

It is a struggle, but one that is well worth it. Going it alone I must say is very difficult. I have done all of my earlier attempts alone so I know how hard it is. Try and develop a project or a future plan that requires you to be sober. Anything that will keep you busy and focused that results in a personal reward at the end. That should give you the clarity to complete the AVRT Big Plan.

InsertNameHere

Well it is 2130 at night here and I think it is safe to say that I will not be drinking tonight. Still deciding on whether or not to try to get some sleep or just work/post here through the night. Keep trying to call my sister but comming up empty on that end.

Terminally Unique

As long as you keep drinking, you're not likely to be able to retain much, INH.

InsertNameHere

Yeah I realize that which is why I made my "little plan" I am still saying Never, but trying to bait the beast with a one week plan but that is just a ploy, of course the plan is to make it two then a month then "now". As you said drunk or hungover I am not going to be able to tell the difference as easily or possibly at all between it and me so.

I haven't made it through all of the AVRT threads (there is a lot covered there) is there any sections on naming/picturing your beast in a physcial form? I have chosen both for mine I think wasn't sure if that was something coevered or not. Mine right now how I see it is a gellatonous blob that is opaque and slightly blueish no noticable features except lumpy and it can't move but manages to talk with no mouth. This I hope will allow me to put a "face" to the thoughts that isn't mine and view it better as a creature to be condemed and ignored. I know you said no "cute" names so I decided for the time being anyway to call it "Nerekamemnon consumer of souls" I know I know that is halfway a joke as well. Kind of a way that I can belittle/not take as seriously the AV and therefore better ignore it. If you have any thoughts let me know.

PS also questions like above would they be preffered to be shared on the AVRT thread even thought i haven't made it through all of them yet and may be repeating questions?

InsertNameHere

I just went through the "crash course" again as a refersher. I forgot about the music at the end that made me jump a little LOL but that is mostly the sleep deprivation I imagine.

Might try to get a few hours here but I have been procrastinating on here all night so I still have work to do.

InsertNameHere

Well not that it has been offically 24 hours this is my day one. again.

langkah

A new day, beginning a whole new life.