Ethos23

I know this is long, but I wanted to share. I just finished it today.

This is what will happen if I drink right now.

I am craving alcohol. I am craving that feeling I feel after my first swig. Its been a while since I drank, so I am going to taste it on all levels; the smell when I open the bottle, the burn when it hits my mouth and lips and the burn as it makes its way down to the pit of my stomach. I do, however feel a bit of remorse. I know I shouldn’t be drinking this. The little voice told me that I could go to the liquor store, purchase my alcohol and not drink it. It told me that I would feel better just having it within my reach and if things got tough my crutch would be there to support me. The little voice lied for when I had possession of my poison it said, “come on, you deserve it, take a nip and get a little buzz, then store the remainder for a rainy day.” That is not how I’m wired however. Once the bottle is open it might as well be empty because it soon will be.

Enough with the remorse, now I’m getting a little buzz. I’m feeling confident and comfortable. I’m not worrying about . . . about . . . well, I can’t remember what I was worrying about, but I’m not worrying about it anymore. A couple more chugs and the bottle is gone. If it’s early enough, I will go and get another small bottle. Ahh, this is the feeling I have been waiting for. I can really feel it now, and it feels great. Uh oh, what if others notice my behavior, my speech, my smell. Oops, I didn’t think of that before I downed all this alcohol. I need to go home from work now. I will need to chew some gum on my way home, drive extra careful, make sure to stay a safe distance from all at home so that nobody smells me. I need to be sure not to say too much or too little. Ohh, I’m kind of on edge now. Hell, I’m going by the liquor store to get a bit more. I notice that I feel uncomfortable. I can still feel, this isn’t good.

I drink more, I get home say my hellos go through the motions with the wife and kids. Get the kids down. Hope I don’t slur while reading to the kids. I make an offer to go pick up something for dinner. This serves me on two levels. First, when I drink, I get hungry, and I like to eat food that is not good for me when drinking. Second, I can down that additional alcohol I have. I kept it until now to get through the “family stuff.” It is my reward for doing what is expected of me. I think again, I shouldn’t be doing this. I don’t need more. What if this pushes me over the edge and my wife finds out. She is going to be furious. I also know I don’t need to be eating food that will put more weight on me. Since I began drinking in earnest, I put on about 50 pounds. Then I find it, my saving grace . . . TOMORROW. I can work on this stuff tomorrow, along with the other stuff at the office that I forgot about, and the family stuff. Now that I think of it within the veil of being drunk, it is not that much stuff. I’m not that different from people that don’t drink. And then, down the hatch goes more booze.

I get home, eat, and don’t say much to the wife. Within an hour of eating I am passed out asleep. I wake in my bed sometime during the night. As I re-adjust and start to fall asleep again, it hits me. What the hell happened last night and I am really thirsty. I get up to grab some water and realize, I don’t know how I got to bed. I don’t know what I watched on TV. I get back to bed and notice that my wife is not there. Oh no! Did I start a big argument with her last night . . . again. What time is it? Oh no, I have a long time to wait before she wakes up. I wish I could just remember. Ok, let’s backtrack. I left work, drank, came home . . . then what. No, wait. I went back to the liquor store on my way home and drank that bottle too. I can tell I drank a lot. My heart is pounding, my stomach is doing the cirque de soleil and my head is pounding. Somehow, I fall back asleep.

I wake in the morning, and go to get some coffee. I see my wife and ask, “how did you sleep?” Terrible, she exclaims. “You were snoring (I breathe a small sigh of relief at this point because it doesn’t look like we argued), the kids woke a couple of times. I’m exhausted,” she says. I tell her sorry, I must have just been really tired. I had a tough day at the office. Then the curve ball hits me, “So, do you still want to meet for lunch today?” she asks. In my head I ask myself, “what the hell is she talking about? I don’t remember making plans for lunch? I feel like s$it. I want to go and sit in my office.” Knowing I must have extended the offer in my drunken euphoria, I say, “sure, when and where.”

I leave home for the gym. Driving there I am like a zombie. I feel terrible. I don’t feel like moving, I don’t feel like breathing. I am exhausted. I get there and the thought of getting a workout in are simply too much, so I take a shower and head out. I stop by the bagel shop and grab a bagel and a cup of coffee. I see some people I know and have to fake my way through a conversation. Speaking is foreign to me. I simply can’t communicate. I get to the office, flip on the computer, surf the Net until its time to meet my wife. Again, I have to muster some energy. Then it hits me, I need a reward. I tell myself, “Ok, here’s the deal. Go to lunch with her and be really nice because she may have noticed something last night. Leave and we will hit the liquor store on the way back to the office.”

Lunch goes fine. I leave. I stop by the liquor store on my way back to the office. I am excited, but not as enthusiastic as yesterday. I still feel like crap. I know this is a bad idea, but I know that if I can only make it until 5 that by 5:15 I will feel so much better. If I don’t drink I will have to wait until 11 when I go to bed and get a good nights sleep to wake up and feel refreshed.

Finally time to leave the office. Get in the car, down the bottle. Drive home. Eggshells at home again. Need to put on the acting hat so nobody notices anything out of the ordinary. Scrap dinner plans, get something “good” (which means heavy fat and greasy and within close proximity to the liquor store). Get more booze.

I now wake up in the middle of the night again and am so thirsty I could drink one of the Great Lakes. I get water and run the same series of questions I had the night before. What happened, did we argue, etc. I try to calm myself down by telling myself that I will quit today.

Sitting at work the next day, I’m thinking about the last couple of days. I’m ashamed. I have no energy. I’ve lost my spark. I haven’t worked out in a couple of days. Honestly, I have been so absorbed in the drunk/hungover cycle that I can’t even remember what it feels like to be sober and crisp after a good meal, a good night’s sleep, and a good workout. I think, “well, today’s Wednesday. I will drink today then not tomorrow and then I will have a nice weekend.”

This night however, I slip up and my wife confronts me. “Are you drinking?” she asks (as if she even has to. By now she knows). I deny deny deny. I try to shift the conversation and tell her I am tired and stressed and try to blame it on everyone else. We argue and I say things I shouldn’t. I rant and I rave.

“Water, I need water,” I say to myself. I get up. Man, I feel terrible, my legs are wobbly, everything hurts. My gut is bloated. Then it hits me . . . THE ARGUMENT. I know this will not be like old times where I apologize and everything is good in short order. I have done this so many times. She knows this only happens when I’m drunk. Oh God. Its going to be a long night.

Morning slowly comes. I say, “sorry for last night.” “I don’t want to hear it,” she says. “I should have known. You have been acting weird for the last few days. I knew something was up,” she says. Oh no. I try and try to deflect and to just sweep this under the rug, but to no avail. In the back of my head I know it will be ok because I have to go to work in a bit and in a few hours I can go to the liquor store. Now I need the alcohol. I need it to help me ride out this storm. I don’t feel like working out, screw my diet, its going to be McDonalds for breakfast.

Eventually everything cools down at home. I tell my wife that it was an isolated slip up. Now, I can cut out the alcohol. Over the next couple of days of having every intention not to drink, but still doing so, I stop. I start eating better, working out again and, most importantly, being more attentive at home. I notice that I am talking with my family much more than I have. I figure if I notice, my wife must also. I get into a good groove then the voice “Maybe you should have a drink just to unwind. This time will be different.” I tell myself no. I know what will happen.

But, I’m craving that feeling. I’ve been so good lately. A good husband, a good father, good to myself, everything. It will feel so good. I won’t go on a binge again. I just want a buzz. Then I am honest with myself. I think of every time I have wanted a buzz. I am honest about the things that have happened during those binges (that is what they are because they are never just get a buzz and quit). I think about the risks I have taken . . .THAT IS WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I DRINK RIGHT NOW.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Ethos

D

winslynn

Come to an AA meeting and put an end to this madness.

Ethos23

By way of background I should note that I have not had a drink since May 27, 2011. I wrote the above piece to read about what happens if I take that first sip.

neferkamichael

Ethos, thanks for the thread. I'm about a year and 9 months sober. I visualized what you wrote. The taste in your mouth, the burn down to the gut, and then that buzz. I'm about to start a new job, gettin a new life. I doubt I would come back if I took thats 1st drink. I'm not and I hope you don't either.

Dazee

Great post. Thank you for sharing it. Ironically I was thinking today it might help me to write something like this (nodding many times when reading)

Muunray

These last 2 or 3 days I've had to do to same...play it til the end to remind me of why not.

vichloe

Thanks for sharing, that was a great post. Especially the not remembering parts of blacking out.

Sucks when you have to say you are sorry and not even remember why you fought. And too ashamed to ask why?

Or the night in a drunken high state of "supermom", I signed up to bake five cakes and 250 cookies for my preschoolers bake sale. I was hating Tanquery for the next three days while slaving hungover in the kitchen.

1983ritag

Thanks for posting. I really needed to read this today.

scrambled2012

That was a really really good post.

stillnotdrinkin

....and after mentally playing through a very similar scenario of my own where the list of negatives greatly outnumber the few positives and dwarf them in magnatude, I have, nonetheless, often been very tempted to say $u&% it and drink anyway...fortunately I haven't. CRAZY!

shaun00

...

Crazy aint it ?.....Even though i know the consequences , my mind would convince me that i could drink safely ....Hell i deserve a drink right!....sometimes unable to bring to my mind with any force, the shameful feelings of the last session......

Its insane right?.... if i came down every morning and put my bum on the hot stove and burnt myself...you would think i was a little detached right?....and if i came down every morning for a week and did it, well you would have me committed to the insane asylum right ?......

And yet......even though i was watching my family falls to pieces , jobs go to the wall, and wife's walk.......i just couldn't stop drinking, or stayed stopped drinking ......every fibre of my being wanted to stop.....will power became as useful as a chocolate T-pot.....

A few years back i picked up the book...alcoholics anonymous....not for any reason really...heard a few waffle on about it...
And i saw the line..."liquor was but a symptom" ........so if its a symptom that would mean, unless i treat the under lying illness.....i will continue to drink .

Symptoms don't go away unless the primary illness is treated right ?....
I was lucky enough to be approached by an old guy that went through the rest of that book with me ......the illness got treated and finally i find not drinking quite easy.

The treatment was the 12 steps in that book alcoholics anonymous...the illness centred in my mind all along......the 12 steps weren't easy, ..the action was uncomfortable sometimes......but weeks turned into months...months into years,....11 years now and i still have no desire to drink wherever i am or whatever i do....i have recovered from being in that hopeless cycle..my mind has been restored.

I never did 100s of AA meetings....and it didn't take me months and months to go through the steps......
No special knowledge.....all i had was.....some willingness...some open-mindedness..and some honesty......oh and i was done with drinking...totally done.

Thanks for sharing what you did.....bought back some memories that make my hair stand up on the back of my neck....... feel free to pm me any time, if i can be of any help.

RobbyRobot

Awesome share, Ethos. Powerful. Remarkable. Intuitive. Sincere.
Thank you.

Sudz No More

Glad you rationalized beyond it. I have been right where you were and still go there sometimes. I find it easier these days though to just say to heck with those thoughts and throw them right in the mental garbage can. I find the less I try to rationalize, the less I actually feed into the thoughts and cravings.

The biggest deterrent for me these days is physical ailments which just seem to be magnifying each time I slip. I never had too many physical symptoms when I was an every day active alcoholic. Now that I have enjoyed many days sober, I seem to have less tolerance for the slightest slips.

Great well written post, thanks

sntinatree

This described my life to a tee! I so relate to the part where I have lied to my DH about drinking and getting into fights because i made no sense drunk. Great post...Thanks for posting this..helps me put everything in perspective once again!

ReadyAndAble

Your a great writer, Ethos. I know that story by heart, yet still found it a gripping read. Thanks for sharing it.

priceyjunk

Thanks ethos it's funny how much I can relate to wht you wrote. My cravings come at night, most of the time. I wil be re-reading your piece to help me through this.

frances2011

Awesome courageous post. Thank you. You are a great writer.

The part that socked me was "Just get through X and then _we will_ go get booze." <--paraphrasing but remembering that parasitic quality of my Booze Voice

Wishing you a bright sober day!

SSIL75

Wow is that familiar! The sunken dread about what argument I might have had with my husband.

Thanks.