Carrie31

I came to this site first, in 2007. I came because my husband was using Meth... it was making my life miserable. Then in 2009 I began posting in the alcoholism forum, wondering if I was addicted to alcohol. I guess that was the time that I wish someone would've locked me in my house........

Now it's 2012, and I know I am an alcoholic. I am somewhat of a "functional" drinker.. I manage to not drink til (on most day's) 2-3pm.. but, there are those day's when 12something is late enough. My drink of choice is Bud Light. I can put down more than I should at only 115lbs. I have two wonderful children and a husband..the same one who started me out on this site...Now 18 years.

The last few years have been so difficult. Husband was laid off each year right before Christmas and not hired back til April'ish of the following year's. Had complications with my son who is disabled this year. (3 spinal surgeries spanning from April to August 2011).. and lost my grandmother and our family pet.

I see this drinking thing only worsening. I had never had blackouts EVER.. til recently I think. By " I think" I mean, that I think I blacked out. It was very late in the night. More like A.M. but, there are parts I don't remember. Lot's.. Like how I vomited all over the bed and didn't realize it til the next morning and couldn't explain it. .................wow.. there is more to tell but, I've not been on this site in so long and I'm fearful of pouring my heart and my life out and not having anyone say a word.

I am seeking something here.. some wisdom. Some strength from people who know. Is there anyone here who can help me turn this around? I need help.

Dee74

Welcome back Carrie
I found support was vital for me - & this place is great for that...just knowing I wasn;t alone anymore really helped...

If you decide you need some more support than SR you'll find suggestions on that too - are you open to recovery groups and the like?

D

Carrie31

Hi Dee and thank you for responding to me!

I used to find great comfort here too before but, my situation now is a lot more scary. I am open to other recovery groups but, I'm afraid to tell anyone I know.. I have a lot at stake and don't want anyone to think I won't take care of my babies and my family..

Carrie31

I say this because in my heart and mind I know I will. That is part of the reason I'm posting here. I just really don't know what to do exactly.

Dee74

Well I'll give you the usual links I give out

I really encourage you to look around and see what approach you think might fit you best - some are based on face to face meetings (like AA) others have online meetings options too - AA, SMART and LifeRing - & some like Rational Recovery have no meetings at all.

here's some links to some of the main players:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

I recommend you visit the Secular Connections forum if you think you may benefit from a non 12 step approach.

D

RobbyRobot

Yeah, that was a blackout, or perhaps a brownout when it happens in parts like that. Not much chance of people not saying a word around here, lol. Good to know you have an open mind about needing help. Awesome that you are reaching out. That attitude to helping yourself will bring the best results. How do you plan to quit?

Carrie31

Thank's Dee. I will check them out. Right now I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed so I may be quiet a bit. Just read on the forum's . I appreciate you responding to me..it matters...it really does.

Carrie31

Hi Robby, thank you. I know it was a blackout.. just kind of needed to hear it for sure. And what I meant by "not say a word".. was that I was afraid that no one here would reply. I know I need some help right now. I just don't know what is the best option for me.

Carrie31

And Robby, what is a brownout? I haven't ever heard of that???

RobbyRobot

Good stuff! Not knowing the best option is a great place to be, even though it can be scary, it still helps us to make careful decisions. You knowing you need help is the best way to discover that help. Dee gave you some great links, and you mentioned you want to read up in the forums, and be a bit quite, which is perfectly alright too.

I'm glad your fear about no one replying is now a non-existent fear

RobbyRobot

A brownout is the same as a blackout in effect, but it refers to just partial memory loss of a otherwise remembered event. Bits and pieces forgotten.

Carrie31

Well, in that case I think it may have been a 'brownout'..I've had a couple. That scares me to no end. I have been mostly alway's in control. I will be checking the link's Dee posted and again... I really appreciate you both reaching out to me. I was scared to even start a thread here again. I do remember everyone here being so warm and welcoming but, even still I was scared. Hell.........I still am. lol

ReadyAndAble

Welcome back, Carrie. Sounds like it's time to quit. It's progressive and, believe me, it can get a whole lot worse in a hurry.

It's normal to feel overwhelmed and scared. I know that's how I felt. I had a hard time picturing what life will be like without my trusty drinks to see me through both good times and bad. I imagined it would be harder. More stressful, and a lot less fun. Guess what? It took some time to acclimate, but in no time I discovered I was feeling so much better about everything. I handle stress way better now. I have much more fun too (truth is, drinking stopped being fun a long time ago). And I feel infinitely better about myself, which is the best part of it for me.

Try not to be too overwhelmed. One step at a time. You''ll get a lot of great information and advice here. And you'll be really glad you took this leap of faith.

Carrie31

YES! Scared is the word of the day for me.. and I am beginning to feel that the drink is not as fun. It's more of a must than a choice. I do hate to think that I've screwed up so much that I can never drink again once I quit. It's a very hard thing to fathom and it makes me mad and sad and all kinds of crazy adjectives... I can't believe I've let it get this far. Especially after reading my posts from years earlier when I was still in a little bit of control..

ReadyAndAble

Pretty much everyone I know who quit wishes they had quit sooner. On the other hand, I haven't heard anyone say they wished they'd waited longer... which means now is the perfect time.

By the way—parenting? Way better now. It's so great to spend time with my daughter and actually be present and focused on her, and not secretly thinking about my next drink.

instant

Blackouts/ hazy memories were a regular part of my life. In the end more alcohol only brought more misery, worry and a sense of defeat and foreboding.

I am glad there is another way, but it's a learning game.

sugarbear1

How do you know what color the "out" was if you don't remember it all?

Welcome to SR! Have a doctor check you out and be honest . Read about the different programs that are available - SMART, AVRT, AA, LifeRing, SOS. Don't pick up a drink today, just today. Think about tomorrow tomorrow. Come here and read, read, read! Lots of great information!! There's also a chat room.

You can stay stopped, too!

DaveVelasco

That situation that you had should already signal you to stop drinking already and become more productive on other meaningful ways rather.