Afraid of AA?
Sober Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
Afraid of AA?
I’m not prone to starting discussions, however, I found myself wondering something this morning. Maybe you folks could help me out. My question is “Why are people afraid of AA?”
This thought frequently pops up in posts, but there is often very little elaboration. In sobriety I have found that some of my fears are (and were) quite legitimate, while others are not. In either case I found myself better off examining them and making this determination without the benifit of "liquid courage". Just the process of examination has been quite instructive.
My hunch is that there are some common threads to these fears. I have my own theories about this, but I do not wish to influence the responders. I would like to hear from everyone who has (or had) fears regarding going to their very first AA meeting . I would also like to hear from anyone who has (or had) fears about the organization in general.
As far as I’m concerned “feelings are facts”. That is, if you feel a certain way, that is a fact. Regardless, I would be interested to hear from everyone, not just those whose fears were either founded or unfounded.
This thought frequently pops up in posts, but there is often very little elaboration. In sobriety I have found that some of my fears are (and were) quite legitimate, while others are not. In either case I found myself better off examining them and making this determination without the benifit of "liquid courage". Just the process of examination has been quite instructive.
My hunch is that there are some common threads to these fears. I have my own theories about this, but I do not wish to influence the responders. I would like to hear from everyone who has (or had) fears regarding going to their very first AA meeting . I would also like to hear from anyone who has (or had) fears about the organization in general.
As far as I’m concerned “feelings are facts”. That is, if you feel a certain way, that is a fact. Regardless, I would be interested to hear from everyone, not just those whose fears were either founded or unfounded.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
I've thought about that before, and one thing I think is that when you finally go to "AA," you've admitted (to others as well as yourself) that you really are an alcoholic, or at least, really have a drinking problem. That's a huge step to a lot of people. None of us like to feel like we can't control what we do, but once you break down and go to AA, it's kind of "out there," and you feel the need to do something about it. JMHO
Peace, Love, Sobriety
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 1,549
I was terrified to go to my first meeting (which was 3 weeks ago). I felt sick to my stomach, i had horrible anxiety, i was ashamed, confused, and tons of other emotions. I agree with suki that you kind of have a total breakdown and decide to go because you just don't know what to do anymore.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,866
Originally Posted by suki44883 
I've thought about that before, and one thing I think is that when you finally go to "AA," you've admitted (to others as well as yourself) that you really are an alcoholic, or at least, really have a drinking problem. That's a huge step to a lot of people. None of us like to feel like we can't control what we do, but once you break down and go to AA, it's kind of "out there," and you feel the need to do something about it. JMHO
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
because once you go you are stuck for the rest of your life, it's like a huge overwhelming commitment.
because it's sorta like a religion, and it's most vocal members often sound like preachers and BB thumpers
because we imagine all the people there are gonna be low life, haggard, human wreckage, and we don't want to be one of those
because people smoke so much
Because it's not as much fun as getting drunk
we don't want to fail at one more thing in life
those are things that went through my head
because it's sorta like a religion, and it's most vocal members often sound like preachers and BB thumpers
because we imagine all the people there are gonna be low life, haggard, human wreckage, and we don't want to be one of those
because people smoke so much
Because it's not as much fun as getting drunk
we don't want to fail at one more thing in life
those are things that went through my head
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
Some of us have either had a bad experience with 12-step programs or know someone who has had a bad experience. For me, the loneliness, shame, and anxiety surrounding my 12-step experience was definitely fear inducing. But that was MY experience. Just because some people are allergic to peanuts does not mean we all should. In the same way, my bad experience does not give others an excuse to avoid something that might help them.
That is why when people press me on why I left twelve step programs (and yes the idea of going to a meeting or running into someone I used to see at meetings does make my stomach knot) I am always careful to say that for most people it is very helpful. And that even though, it was not the right program for me, I did learn a good deal from it.
That is why when people press me on why I left twelve step programs (and yes the idea of going to a meeting or running into someone I used to see at meetings does make my stomach knot) I am always careful to say that for most people it is very helpful. And that even though, it was not the right program for me, I did learn a good deal from it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Here is the best article I've ever seen about your first AA meeting. It starts out talking about fear.
Your First AA Meeting
Your First AA Meeting
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by awuh1
My hunch is that there are some common threads to these fears. I have my own theories about this, but I do not wish to influence the responders. I would like to hear from everyone who has (or had) fears regarding going to their very first AA meeting . I would also like to hear from anyone who has (or had) fears about the organization in general.
As far as I’m concerned “feelings are facts”. That is, if you feel a certain way, that is a fact. Regardless, I would be interested to hear from everyone, not just those whose fears were either founded or unfounded.
As far as I’m concerned “feelings are facts”. That is, if you feel a certain way, that is a fact. Regardless, I would be interested to hear from everyone, not just those whose fears were either founded or unfounded.
Heh. Well, I wasn't altogether wrong, but I was wrong enough to become a member and be successful with AA sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Two things for me. One...Like Suki said...Cat's out of the bag. You attach the word Alcoholic to yourself. I had no doubt I was an alcoholic...Just didn't want to hear it.
The second thing for me....Fear of failure...I had let so many people (including myself) down for so long.....The thought of failing again...Scared me. I left my fist meeting with so much hope...Those two fears faded fast.
The second thing for me....Fear of failure...I had let so many people (including myself) down for so long.....The thought of failing again...Scared me. I left my fist meeting with so much hope...Those two fears faded fast.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
I was never afraid of AA. I certainly didn't want to go, because I had read the Big Book before, but I wasn't afraid. I didn't 'share', and I didn't call myself 'an alcoholic', but since the speaker scoped me out and called on me at my first meeting, I gave them my $0.02 on the 'dry drunk' (she had used the term). They never called on me again. 
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
I wasn't afraid of AA, but reluctant to attend. Plain and simple, when I was introduced to AA at about 20 years old, I didn't want to quit. I wanted to learn to drink properly. I didn't want to change my life. It hadn't gotten to the point that I though it was that bad. I didn't want to spend hours of my life hanging around people that I felt were "beneath me". I didn't want to be one of them. 15 years later and I'm happy to have the chance to be "one of them".
Another thought that struck me from your original post. One thing that AA has taught me is that feelings are NOT facts. Feelings are nothing more than feelings and just because I feel a certain way that doesn't make anything a fact. My feelings gave me permission to get drunk for many years. I "felt" that people were slighting me, were unappreciative of me, that I wasn't getting the success and recognition that I deserved. These were my feelings, not actual facts.
Another thought that struck me from your original post. One thing that AA has taught me is that feelings are NOT facts. Feelings are nothing more than feelings and just because I feel a certain way that doesn't make anything a fact. My feelings gave me permission to get drunk for many years. I "felt" that people were slighting me, were unappreciative of me, that I wasn't getting the success and recognition that I deserved. These were my feelings, not actual facts.
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 1,435
Originally Posted by BHF
Another thought that struck me from your original post. One thing that AA has taught me is that feelings are NOT facts. Feelings are nothing more than feelings and just because I feel a certain way that doesn't make anything a fact. My feelings gave me permission to get drunk for many years. I "felt" that people were slighting me, were unappreciative of me, that I wasn't getting the success and recognition that I deserved. These were my feelings, not actual facts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Northeast
Posts: 441
I am 8 days sober as of today and have yet to attend a meeting, although I know I inevitably have to if I am to maintain this. My first fear is simply that of the unknown: What to do when I get there, where to sit, are people going to try and talk to me?
Secondly, I’m nervous about going into a large room full of people who either know one another or are already familiar with the situation. I am on the quiet side and talking to strangers makes me uncomfortable.
Lastly, it is a huge commitment and I don’t know how high the expectations are going to be. I don’t want to feel like I have another thing that I have to do to meet someone else’s standard.
I am not drinking on my own and I want the social support, but I think these are the things that have kept me from going to a meeting thus far- subconscious or not. There is some resistance here.
Secondly, I’m nervous about going into a large room full of people who either know one another or are already familiar with the situation. I am on the quiet side and talking to strangers makes me uncomfortable.
Lastly, it is a huge commitment and I don’t know how high the expectations are going to be. I don’t want to feel like I have another thing that I have to do to meet someone else’s standard.
I am not drinking on my own and I want the social support, but I think these are the things that have kept me from going to a meeting thus far- subconscious or not. There is some resistance here.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Terminally Unique
I didn't 'share', and I didn't call myself 'an alcoholic', but since the speaker scoped me out and called on me at my first meeting, I gave them my $0.02 on the 'dry drunk' (she had used the term). They never called on me again.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: TN
Posts: 162
Janiebluebird,
If you want to go to AA but are apprehensive, I can tell you what it's been like for me. Uncomfortable at first. I don't like new situations. I don't like things I can't control. But it got better. First 5 or 6 meetings I went to, I just sat there and listened. I never even picked up a white chip (24 hr chip) because I didn't want to draw attention to myself.
I met people that I knew previously (from high school, etc). Sit wherever you want to and look for a meeting schedule on the wall to see when they have meetings and what kind, or ask someone if it's not announced. People will attempt to speak to you and engage you in conversation. They want to make you feel welcome. It gets better once you get comfortable with several regulars.
After a while, if you think it's for you, get a sponsor and get involved with the group. Service work, eating or coffee after the meeting, etc. Once I became a part of the group I was no longer uncomfortable. Best wishes.
If you want to go to AA but are apprehensive, I can tell you what it's been like for me. Uncomfortable at first. I don't like new situations. I don't like things I can't control. But it got better. First 5 or 6 meetings I went to, I just sat there and listened. I never even picked up a white chip (24 hr chip) because I didn't want to draw attention to myself.
I met people that I knew previously (from high school, etc). Sit wherever you want to and look for a meeting schedule on the wall to see when they have meetings and what kind, or ask someone if it's not announced. People will attempt to speak to you and engage you in conversation. They want to make you feel welcome. It gets better once you get comfortable with several regulars.
After a while, if you think it's for you, get a sponsor and get involved with the group. Service work, eating or coffee after the meeting, etc. Once I became a part of the group I was no longer uncomfortable. Best wishes.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by awuh1
As far as I’m concerned “feelings are facts”. That is, if you feel a certain way, that is a fact. Regardless, I would be interested to hear from everyone, not just those whose fears were either founded or unfounded.
Originally Posted by BHF
Another thought that struck me from your original post. One thing that AA has taught me is that feelings are NOT facts. Feelings are nothing more than feelings and just because I feel a certain way that doesn't make anything a fact. My feelings gave me permission to get drunk for many years. I "felt" that people were slighting me, were unappreciative of me, that I wasn't getting the success and recognition that I deserved. These were my feelings, not actual facts.
The alternative, to simply reduce all of my feelings and thoughts to non-factual experiences is certainly not desirable, and not something I ever learned from attending AA.
My own justifications for alcoholic drinking gave me permission to get drunk for many years. Those justifications were created not only from my subjective feelings and ideas, but also from my interactions with the outside world and the people in it. As well, it was also true that indeed of course some persons were slighting me, were unappreciative of me, and in some instances I was not getting the recognition that I deserved. To think everything was just peachy and wonderful with everyone else is a fantasy in itself. In fact, I wasn't always fair with others either of course. Its an AA meeting full of alcoholics and problem drinkers who are attempting to quit alcohol, so of course that speaks for itself.
Sober Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I’m a bit reluctant to jump in. I am genuinely interested in the nature of the fear(s). Fear is a real thing. It is a genuine human emotion. It causes people to act or not act. The emotion, itself, is real.
The basis for the emotion may not be as solidly grounded in reality as we might imagine. If I look down and see a rattlesnake at my ankle on a hot summer’s day, I’m going to move, and fast. It may turn out that it was a rattle snake. In which case, I’m glad I moved. It could however be a large picture of a rattlesnake that I saw out of the corner of my eye. If I THINK, or even suspect it’s the real thing my reaction will be the same.
To my mind, the examination of fear is essential to living a better life. As for feelings giving people a reason to drink, I think I’m at odds with some conventional AA thinking on this one (which I’m not afraid to say in, or outside of a meeting). Fears did not give me a reason to drink, they gave me an excuse.
What I would like folks to do is examine their fears and see if they are grounded in reality. I did not start the post to defend AA.
The basis for the emotion may not be as solidly grounded in reality as we might imagine. If I look down and see a rattlesnake at my ankle on a hot summer’s day, I’m going to move, and fast. It may turn out that it was a rattle snake. In which case, I’m glad I moved. It could however be a large picture of a rattlesnake that I saw out of the corner of my eye. If I THINK, or even suspect it’s the real thing my reaction will be the same.
To my mind, the examination of fear is essential to living a better life. As for feelings giving people a reason to drink, I think I’m at odds with some conventional AA thinking on this one (which I’m not afraid to say in, or outside of a meeting). Fears did not give me a reason to drink, they gave me an excuse.
What I would like folks to do is examine their fears and see if they are grounded in reality. I did not start the post to defend AA.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,960
I had generalized fear of people, especially in crowds. Social phobias. Extreme shyness. Independent and self-sufficient to the extreme. I never relied on others. I had been isolating when drinking. The thought of being with people scared me intensely. I went anyway, spoke with someone who's pain I was feeling (it just happened)...I wanted to drink that pain away, but found myself speaking with her. Things are soooo different today.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Pasadena, CA
Posts: 1,539
Interesting as my experiecne has been that my feelings are rarely facts.
It is only my wapred mind from alcohol & drugs "telling" me something is so.
When I have an open mind and take action finding out for myself, avoiding contempt prior tio investagation almost always my fears were false.
And I change. And grow. And recover.
It is only my wapred mind from alcohol & drugs "telling" me something is so.
When I have an open mind and take action finding out for myself, avoiding contempt prior tio investagation almost always my fears were false.
And I change. And grow. And recover.
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