Did a codependent ever relapse you?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Did a codependent ever relapse you?
I may sound paranoid, but my dad seems to relapse me on purpose. Its like he wants me to be a drunk. When I beg for money he won't give it to me. So I will find a way to get money. Eventually I'll get sober on my own and I'll have several days and he'll give me money. I'll tell him I'm going to AA and he'll be like, "oh well I have to be somewhere in an hour so you can come meet me now for money or I can't do anything." He does tricky things to keep me drinking. I am completely done drinking and I will never touch alcohol again, but did any of you experience weird behaviors from your codependent? He may have some weird personality disorder or something. Maybe I'm crazy I don't know. Sometimes crazy people make you think you're crazy. I remember he purposely relapsed me before college. He offered me like really high pay to come work for him knowing that I would get drunk. He purposely did it two weeks before college started. He then went to the college like he was Mr. Perfect trying to help me enroll. He tried to control every aspect of me enrolling in college it was weird. Its ******* bizarre. I'm not making this stuff up. I'm over legal drinking age so its all fine, but I think my dad is crazier than an alcoholic.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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I don't agree others can make us relapse - sometimes it might suit others to have us drinking, but we can say no.
To be honest, all I can glean from this post is he sometimes gives you money - lots of people have money or earn it without spending it on alcohol, Slayer.
D
To be honest, all I can glean from this post is he sometimes gives you money - lots of people have money or earn it without spending it on alcohol, Slayer.
D
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I really believe he has manipulated me several times. I'm not trying to play the victim, but when you're looking at a ~$1500 ER bill or a $15 liquor store bill, you pick the liquor store. I'm 4 day sober no withdrawal so I am never going back.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
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(((Slayer))) - I have to admit...I've BEEN the codie your dad is being. I'm also, now, an RA, and I realize that I did what I did to keep my three XABF'S dependent on me.
It took me coming here, lurking for probably 2 years, to realize I was totally codie, turned to drink/drugs to deal with being an A.
I posted this on another thread, but whether we're an A or a codie (I'm both), we want things to stay the same. When recovery comes into the picture, I always did whatever I could to prevent the change.
Almost 5 years into codie/addiction recovery, I see how very sick I was. I do admit...change still scares me, but thanks to everyone here, I've made some pretty darned good changes, fear and all.
Your dad is going to fight any kind of change in you. It's like he feels threatened. He knows one role...the one he's played all this time, and your recovery threatens what he's always known.
The good thing is, at least in my experience, is that the more I work my recovery, the more my dad really likes it. He's turned totally codie, stepmom is an A, ACOA, and every other acronym. My niece, who my dad/stepmom raised, is also an ACOA and has teetered on becoming an A, and she's only 18.
Dad has picked up on how I handle things. Does he still enable? Yep. However, about a week ago, he mentioned that he needs to deal with my niece like I do. FWIW, she is the closest to my own child I will ever have...way past the age of having kids.
I've had to put MY recovery first and foremost to deal with him/stepmom/niece. It's often met with resentments, anger, and everything else. However, doing what I need to do for ME? I am setting an example, and I've seen changes in my dad.
Work your recovery as if your life depends on it. It does. He'll either come around, or he won't, but as long as you do what YOU need to do? You'll be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It took me coming here, lurking for probably 2 years, to realize I was totally codie, turned to drink/drugs to deal with being an A.
I posted this on another thread, but whether we're an A or a codie (I'm both), we want things to stay the same. When recovery comes into the picture, I always did whatever I could to prevent the change.
Almost 5 years into codie/addiction recovery, I see how very sick I was. I do admit...change still scares me, but thanks to everyone here, I've made some pretty darned good changes, fear and all.
Your dad is going to fight any kind of change in you. It's like he feels threatened. He knows one role...the one he's played all this time, and your recovery threatens what he's always known.
The good thing is, at least in my experience, is that the more I work my recovery, the more my dad really likes it. He's turned totally codie, stepmom is an A, ACOA, and every other acronym. My niece, who my dad/stepmom raised, is also an ACOA and has teetered on becoming an A, and she's only 18.
Dad has picked up on how I handle things. Does he still enable? Yep. However, about a week ago, he mentioned that he needs to deal with my niece like I do. FWIW, she is the closest to my own child I will ever have...way past the age of having kids.
I've had to put MY recovery first and foremost to deal with him/stepmom/niece. It's often met with resentments, anger, and everything else. However, doing what I need to do for ME? I am setting an example, and I've seen changes in my dad.
Work your recovery as if your life depends on it. It does. He'll either come around, or he won't, but as long as you do what YOU need to do? You'll be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
(((Slayer))) - I have to admit...I've BEEN the codie your dad is being. I'm also, now, an RA, and I realize that I did what I did to keep my three XABF'S dependent on me.
It took me coming here, lurking for probably 2 years, to realize I was totally codie, turned to drink/drugs to deal with being an A.
I posted this on another thread, but whether we're an A or a codie (I'm both), we want things to stay the same. When recovery comes into the picture, I always did whatever I could to prevent the change.
Almost 5 years into codie/addiction recovery, I see how very sick I was. I do admit...change still scares me, but thanks to everyone here, I've made some pretty darned good changes, fear and all.
Your dad is going to fight any kind of change in you. It's like he feels threatened. He knows one role...the one he's played all this time, and your recovery threatens what he's always known.
The good thing is, at least in my experience, is that the more I work my recovery, the more my dad really likes it. He's turned totally codie, stepmom is an A, ACOA, and every other acronym. My niece, who my dad/stepmom raised, is also an ACOA and has teetered on becoming an A, and she's only 18.
Dad has picked up on how I handle things. Does he still enable? Yep. However, about a week ago, he mentioned that he needs to deal with my niece like I do. FWIW, she is the closest to my own child I will ever have...way past the age of having kids.
I've had to put MY recovery first and foremost to deal with him/stepmom/niece. It's often met with resentments, anger, and everything else. However, doing what I need to do for ME? I am setting an example, and I've seen changes in my dad.
Work your recovery as if your life depends on it. It does. He'll either come around, or he won't, but as long as you do what YOU need to do? You'll be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It took me coming here, lurking for probably 2 years, to realize I was totally codie, turned to drink/drugs to deal with being an A.
I posted this on another thread, but whether we're an A or a codie (I'm both), we want things to stay the same. When recovery comes into the picture, I always did whatever I could to prevent the change.
Almost 5 years into codie/addiction recovery, I see how very sick I was. I do admit...change still scares me, but thanks to everyone here, I've made some pretty darned good changes, fear and all.
Your dad is going to fight any kind of change in you. It's like he feels threatened. He knows one role...the one he's played all this time, and your recovery threatens what he's always known.
The good thing is, at least in my experience, is that the more I work my recovery, the more my dad really likes it. He's turned totally codie, stepmom is an A, ACOA, and every other acronym. My niece, who my dad/stepmom raised, is also an ACOA and has teetered on becoming an A, and she's only 18.
Dad has picked up on how I handle things. Does he still enable? Yep. However, about a week ago, he mentioned that he needs to deal with my niece like I do. FWIW, she is the closest to my own child I will ever have...way past the age of having kids.
I've had to put MY recovery first and foremost to deal with him/stepmom/niece. It's often met with resentments, anger, and everything else. However, doing what I need to do for ME? I am setting an example, and I've seen changes in my dad.
Work your recovery as if your life depends on it. It does. He'll either come around, or he won't, but as long as you do what YOU need to do? You'll be okay.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 49
My ex-girlfriend was worse than my dad, but that's neither here nor there. It just trips me out that my own dad is that way. Kind of a ****** deck. Oh well I'm done with this drinking ********. I've hit the point that I'm ready to change.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Slayer))) - if it weren't for my dad? I'd be homeless, too. I simply do not make enough money to afford a place of my own. I have cousins I could live with, in a really nice house, but it's in MN and they don't allow animals...I'm not leaving my cats.
Most of the time, I can do my job, focus on school and remove myself from the dysfunction junction. However, very recently, I had had enough..I wanted to be numb.
I logged on here, spent HOURS here, and got re-grounded. I honestly thought I was past how others could affect me...been doing this recovery thing almost 5 years. My car broke down, was without it for 2 weeks, and staying in this house is NOT good for my state of mind.
I made signs for my bedroom doors that say "busy" and told dad/stepmom "if the signs are on my doors, I am studying and I don't want to be interrupted unless there is risk of life or limb".
Stepmom came in last night, talking to the dog, high as a kite. I told her "the signs are on my door, I'm studying (okay, so I was on SR
) and you need to get out".
It's taken me a looooong time to get to this point, but I refuse to let anyone make me want to be numb again. I do try to remember what it's like to be addicted and codie, have some compassion, but threaten MY recovery - not gonna happen.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Most of the time, I can do my job, focus on school and remove myself from the dysfunction junction. However, very recently, I had had enough..I wanted to be numb.
I logged on here, spent HOURS here, and got re-grounded. I honestly thought I was past how others could affect me...been doing this recovery thing almost 5 years. My car broke down, was without it for 2 weeks, and staying in this house is NOT good for my state of mind.
I made signs for my bedroom doors that say "busy" and told dad/stepmom "if the signs are on my doors, I am studying and I don't want to be interrupted unless there is risk of life or limb".
Stepmom came in last night, talking to the dog, high as a kite. I told her "the signs are on my door, I'm studying (okay, so I was on SR
) and you need to get out".It's taken me a looooong time to get to this point, but I refuse to let anyone make me want to be numb again. I do try to remember what it's like to be addicted and codie, have some compassion, but threaten MY recovery - not gonna happen.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 49
I have the opposite problem as you. My dad wants to have his foot on the back of my head so he can dunk my head underwater whenever he wants. He is threatening homelessness now "for my own good." Its scary. Its like I'm in a bad dream or watching a scary movie.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi Slayer,
I agree that others can't get a person drunk even within codependent relationships, unless that person agrees to make that choice already for themselves. Codependency can describe the dynamics of a certain kind of selfish relationship. Inter-dependent relationships are not selfish by nature, and work on the basis of people giving and being responsible.
You'll have additional unneeded issues staying away from drinking if you believe others have the power to manipulate you into drinking against your will. You may want to revise your ideas about all that and give yourself the best chances going forward.
I hope you have some better days ahead, Slayer.
I agree that others can't get a person drunk even within codependent relationships, unless that person agrees to make that choice already for themselves. Codependency can describe the dynamics of a certain kind of selfish relationship. Inter-dependent relationships are not selfish by nature, and work on the basis of people giving and being responsible.
You'll have additional unneeded issues staying away from drinking if you believe others have the power to manipulate you into drinking against your will. You may want to revise your ideas about all that and give yourself the best chances going forward.
I hope you have some better days ahead, Slayer.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Slayer
You don't know the situation I am stuck in right now its going to take awhile to un-weave, trust me. I'll just leave it at that.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1
what are you doing to stay stopped? not your dad or exgf, but you?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 92
Hello Slayer!
As a recovering co-dependent and alcoholic, i feel comfortable saying that "weird behavior" is a great way to describe codependency! It is weird and tangled and crazy. In the past, i would go to great crazy lengths to attempt to control things that were out of my control. Whatever your dad is trying to do is probably weird and crazy. It sounds like you are committed to sobriety, going to 2 meetings a day, that is awesome. I am glad you are expanding your sober support system. Keep up the good work and focusing on your recovery. Do not waste your time trying to figure out why your dad does weird things, it is a pointless activity. Take responsibility for your own life, do what is best for your recovery, and try your best not to take your dad's stuff personally, practice detaching with love. When he does weird stuff, rather than saying, 'he is making me relapse' you can say 'i feel uncomfortable when he is being weird, i do not understand why he acts this way and probably never will, so that's that.' We both know he cannot control what you do, so take that thinking out of your vocab!! I know it is hard, but do your best not to get wrapped up in the weirdness, your priority is your recovery. Every second spent focusing on your dad's stuff is time better spent on improving your life.
I am not sure if this made any sense but i hope it helped at least a little bit!
Take good care of yourself! xo
As a recovering co-dependent and alcoholic, i feel comfortable saying that "weird behavior" is a great way to describe codependency! It is weird and tangled and crazy. In the past, i would go to great crazy lengths to attempt to control things that were out of my control. Whatever your dad is trying to do is probably weird and crazy. It sounds like you are committed to sobriety, going to 2 meetings a day, that is awesome. I am glad you are expanding your sober support system. Keep up the good work and focusing on your recovery. Do not waste your time trying to figure out why your dad does weird things, it is a pointless activity. Take responsibility for your own life, do what is best for your recovery, and try your best not to take your dad's stuff personally, practice detaching with love. When he does weird stuff, rather than saying, 'he is making me relapse' you can say 'i feel uncomfortable when he is being weird, i do not understand why he acts this way and probably never will, so that's that.' We both know he cannot control what you do, so take that thinking out of your vocab!! I know it is hard, but do your best not to get wrapped up in the weirdness, your priority is your recovery. Every second spent focusing on your dad's stuff is time better spent on improving your life.
I am not sure if this made any sense but i hope it helped at least a little bit!
Take good care of yourself! xo
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Slayer))) - my first job in recovery was waiting tables. I HAD to get a job while locked up in a diversion center, have never waited tables in my life (I used to be a good kid...first job was with the gov't and I was in college during my Sr. year of high school), always had good jobs, but there I was..locked up, forced to get a job.
It was a little stressful, at first, but I grew to absolutely love it. I think the fact that I was making money (and pretty good money, even though it was a semi-fast food place) boosted my self esteem. I was actually making enough money I COULD have moved out, but then I relapsed, didn't show up or call (I'd gotten out of the diversion center long before).
I was able to keep working for the company, but had to go to another store and didn't make nearly the money. I'd probably still HAVE that job, had I not been there through 2 armed robberies.
I worked 3rd shift, for quite a while, and I'll be honest...dealing with the "drunk and disorderly" REALLY got on my nerves at first. Yes, I've BEEN like them, still it bothered me. It took me a while to not let it get to me. I think a grocery store is a good idea, just want you to be aware that I've been to them in the middle of the night (used to get off anywhere from 2-4a.m. after working late from 2nd shift) and there were always some "drunk and disorderlies" in there. If it doesn't bother you, no problem. Even if it does, just don't let it get to you so much YOU want to drink. I used it as a reminder of who I used to be, did not want to be any more and I think that helped me deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
It was a little stressful, at first, but I grew to absolutely love it. I think the fact that I was making money (and pretty good money, even though it was a semi-fast food place) boosted my self esteem. I was actually making enough money I COULD have moved out, but then I relapsed, didn't show up or call (I'd gotten out of the diversion center long before).
I was able to keep working for the company, but had to go to another store and didn't make nearly the money. I'd probably still HAVE that job, had I not been there through 2 armed robberies.
I worked 3rd shift, for quite a while, and I'll be honest...dealing with the "drunk and disorderly" REALLY got on my nerves at first. Yes, I've BEEN like them, still it bothered me. It took me a while to not let it get to me. I think a grocery store is a good idea, just want you to be aware that I've been to them in the middle of the night (used to get off anywhere from 2-4a.m. after working late from 2nd shift) and there were always some "drunk and disorderlies" in there. If it doesn't bother you, no problem. Even if it does, just don't let it get to you so much YOU want to drink. I used it as a reminder of who I used to be, did not want to be any more and I think that helped me deal with it.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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