blackoutgirl

Well, we had some friends over last night. First time in a few months that I've actually socialized with people at my house. Some people were drinking and some weren't.

I didn't drink and had a decent time hanging out. No one, except for one person, went overboard with alcohol. But, we'll get to that in a minute.

It was a strange feeling, not having to rush to the liquor store and buy a half gallon of rum. My boyfriend went shopping before he came home, so I didn't have to leave.

Usually at that time I would have rushed off, bought the liquor, and drank quickly before my boyfriend or friends came over, so that they wouldn't know how much I had drank. I guess I thought it would give the appearance that I was drinking socially by the time they arrived, even though it was probably obvious that I was drunk.

I didn't feel the urge to drink. Just kept drinking water, tea, and coca-cola all night. I think I made more bathroom runs than the people actually drinking alcohol. LOL!

Now on a more serious note. One of our guests, I'll call him James, came over and was completely out of his mind. He was drinking whiskey while at my house, but already looked f***** up when he arrived.

He told my boyfriend that he had taken 32 xanax the day before. I didn't know this until after everyone had left. My BF said that he has already accepted the fact that he will be going to a friend's funeral because James has zero interest in saving himself. I'm not even sure if the guys have talked to him about his alcohol and drug use.

It's like,"Well, there's James. He's f***** up again." And then everyone goes on about their business without acknowledging it again. Like an elephant in the room.

I was sitting at the kitchen table and just so happened to look over at James. He had dropped a glass in my sink and made a noise. I had to do a double take, and realized that I hadn't really got a good look at him all night. Unfortunately, I was trying to avoid him, just as others do.

When I looked back a second time, I realized that his face was more pale than I'd ever seen before. He had a waxy appearance with a light shade of yellow to him. He looked like the walking dead. Not exaggerating either.

Without even thinking, my breath was taken away for a few seconds. I've taken care of dying patients many times and there's a specific look that people get before they stop breathing. He had that look about him.

It bothers me that the guys won't try to sit him down, at least once and tell him that they care about him and don't want to lose him. I'm not close with James and only know him through my boyfriend, so I feel helpless.

No one invites him to events anymore. He just shows up unannounced, since he knows where we live.

It's only a matter of time before he overdoses. He is a heavy drinker as well which only intensifies the benzos and whatever else he puts in his system. James will do anything he gets his hands on, even computer aerosol cans.

I found myself thinking....what if they hadn't cared about me and just let me kill myself too. It just isn't fair. Granted, I hadn't listened to them either, but quit drinking only after I, myself, decided to quit. To my knowledge, no one has ever even sat down with James and said anything more than, "Hey man, you shouldn't do that."

James has epilepsy also, and I doubt he takes his seizure medicine as he should. Just abuses everything else. After seeing him last night, I know now that the end is near. If I weren't a nurse, I would probably think that he looked bad and not given a second thought. I felt that when I was looking at him, I knew something that others didn't and it really freaked me out.

I tried to talk to my BF after everyone left and he wouldn't engage in a conversation about it.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is long, but I needed to get this off my chest because it's really bothering me and I don't have anyone else that is willing to talk about it.

I wouldn't be surprised if we got a call today that his parents found him dead. I really don't want to be one of the last people so see this guy, knowing the signs of impending death, and then deal with the guilt that I didn't do anything about it.

I texted another friend of his today and expressed my concerns. No reply.

Sapling

That's really sad BOG....I don't think there is a whole lot you can do about someone like that....Learn from it..But for the Grace of God...There go I...That's really tragic....

Dee74

I think there's always hope - 5 years ago you could have replaced 'James' with 'Dee', BOG.
I hope James gets the same moment of clarity and second chance I did

I'm glad you negotiated the BBQ ok too

D

awuh1

First, let me just say that people cannot be saved from themselves if they don’t want to be.

Now, the next question in my mind is “what can be done?” followed closely by “what’s the right thing do”. Now I’m nearly half way round the world from Indiana but I can make a suggestion. AA has what are called “12 step calls”. This is where someone from AA (nearly always two people) go out and talk to the alcoholic who is in a bad way. You would, of course, need to get James’ OK to have a couple of sober drunks come over to see and talk to him about his problems. As to how best secure his cooperation, you would know better than I. Perhaps you could discuss this with one of his friends and someone at your local AA office. People from AA do this all the time. People sit in central offices answering phones HOPING to get a call like yours.

You cannot save him, but you can help to offer some hope.

TimeInABottle

I would say that, if he is that bad, AA should be the LEAST concern. AA is not a hospital, and thats where "James" needs to be. In my drinking days, if someone would have mentioned AA I would have laughed in their face. Exspecially if I was loaded.

I have been where James is now. I have not touched alcohol since Dec,
2. I realiaize that my sobriety is not that long. But I can tell you that it is the longest I have gone without alcohol in since 2004. Even after liver failure, 2 hip replacements and cancer, I continued to drink. In Dec of 2011 I spent 5 days in jail. That was enough for me. Have not touched alcohol since.

You say that friends don't invite him to events, that he just shows up. Why do people let him in? It is your BBQ, your gathering, right? It's your choice if he attends it or not. You and the BF can let him know that if he chooses to get that messed up, you don't want to be around him......that you won't watch him kill himself.

What kind of friends are all his "friends" if no one will sit down and have a heart to heart with him? I lost my best friend of about 30 years because of my drinking. She could not be around me anymore. I am slowly trying to rebuild my relationship with her.

JMO.

awuh1

Actually TIAB it sounds like he needs medical attention to me also. I’m assuming you are not available to talk to him. Someone should, before the paramedics are needed. This kind young nurse in early recovery is taking more interest in him than his “friends”. The people in AA will also help if he is open to speak with them.

A sober drunk is often the only one, a wet one will listen to (and there is no guarantee he will even agree to talk them) . Many drunks don’t see the bottom even with severe medical problems. The point is that it is important for him to see that there is hope for his alcoholism. He is a bit more likely to get that from a sober alcoholic than from the people in the ER, and it just might be the sober drunks that convince him he needs the medical attention to begin the process.

blackoutgirl

Thanks for your responses.

We stopped by his house yesterday to check on him after some resistance from my BF. I said, "First of all, this is YOUR friend. Why aren't you concerned?" Or something to that effect.

The answer that I got from my BF, and another friend of James, is that basically they have given up on him because it's apparent that he doesn't care to change. Very sad. I didn't get much more of an explanation than that. Kind of like, this is a take it or leave it answer, and no one is willing to intervene or even talk about it.

I"m kind of shocked by the lack of interest in the situation myself. My bestfriend has proven to me that I DO matter to her when dealing with my alcoholism. Our friendship is stronger than ever now. Good grief, at least I know that there is one person that cares about me. But that's beside the point at the moment.

I made my BF go into the house instead of myself, as I felt that if he realized that one of his actual "friends" checked on him, it might make more of an impact. James parents were home at the time also. I'm not sure what type of conversation transpired but nonetheless, he is alive....this time.

My BF came back to the car after about 5 minutes and said that James looked "o.k." I do plan on talking to James, when and if I see him again. I can't see him by myself though, as he is usually on something constantly and I've seen him have an alcohol/xanax induced temper before over absolutely nothing. I can't imagine what it would be like to approach him about his substance abuse.

The only thing I know is that when others have tried to tell him in the past that he is using too much, his response is, "I really don't give a f***."

James is much different than 3 years ago. People described him as "harmless...just drinks a lot." Even then, he had somewhat of a personality. The other night, he looked as if his soul was already gone from his body.

I caught myself wondering where my one-way valve mask was located in the house in case I had to do CPR.

I will talk to James when I see him and I know that his friends are present. Yesterday, my bestfriend said that she would join me to check him if needed. I also know that she would be willing to talk to him with me at any time.

The worst thing that I could do is send people to his house that he doesn't know.

I asked about his relationship with his parents. He does live with them after all. I just can't imagine that they would be oblivious to his health problems due to his drug use. I don't know their situation and I'm not going to judge them. The only response to that question was, "I don't know."

There it was again, a take it or leave it response. It's like they don't even know him anymore. No one talks to him on the phone, or hangs out with him because he's constantly drugged. He doesn't have a cell phone either. Actually, it's like they have written him off without letting him know. But tolerate him when he's around, why, I have no idea. If asked if he were a friend, they would say yes. But I guess the term friend is used quite loosely. You know what I mean?

For James, it seems to be that the best place to socialize is at my house. THIS is going to change.

Anyway, this whole situation has drained me the last day or so. I almost feel an underlying anger because of the worry and anxiety I've felt, when I'm not even close to the guy.

I'll keep in mind the resources that some of you mentioned. Thank you for your insight and comments. And, thank you all for just being there

Sapling

It's nice to see he has at least one person that cares about him BOG...Sometimes that's enough.