Kat88

Hi my names Kat new to these boards..basically I went to rehab in dec after years of hurting ppl closest to me, going in and out of jail and hospitals with enough criminal charges (all caused by me drinking) to finally make me WANT to quit. I learned a lot in there and was gaining ALOT of trust back from my family and then on Friday with 62 days sober I went on a crazy binge that ended with me threatening my mom (who I love so much n feel horrible about) and me being back in county jail. Luckily got bailed out but in a way grateful I was there because it got me started on counting my days. I just feel horrible the state put a no contact order on me with my mom and it hurts so bad to not be able to talk to her. I'm just so depressed (I'm bipolar n clinically depressed) but this is worse than ever. My boyfriend is not speaking to me and my head is all over the place. I'm just looking for advice or encouraging positive things because i feel so weak right now. Thank you

jjc81

I am new also, welcome. I have found so many people here that know what you have been through and have also been where you are.
I too am very close to my mom and talk to her at least 3 times a day. I can't imagine not being able to pick up the phone and call her. I hope if you EVER need to talk, even about random stuff feel free to message me. Know that you are not alone and many people here want you to succeed.

Kat88

Thank u so much that made me smile xox

Justfor1

I just wanted to say that I can relate. I suffer from mental illness with substance abuse also. It can be a very dangerous combination. I spent close to 10 years going "in and out" treatment programs, recovery homes, psych wards, ER and jail. I think I have finally found a good clinic & seeing a therapist/doctor that I like. I attend 3-4 AA meetings a week also. I've been sober a number of months now and starting to feel better.

2granddaughters

Kat, are you going to AA?

Imthatguy2012

Kat88 im new on here too, i can tell you people on here will listen and give you honest answers if you are honest with yourself.

Kat88

Thank u all and yes I am... I was before but stopped going I think that's why I relapsed I thought I had it myself

Dee74

Welcome to SR Kat

I'm really sorry all that happened - the the really good thing is it never has to happen again - this place is full of people who've turned their lives around

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here

D

Kat88

Thanks guys

sunrise1

Kat, glad you're here. I think we can all relate in one way or another. You're already a step in the right direction by reaching out for help. If you are using AA, get a sponsor and really work the program. Showing up at meetings is a start, now let them help you.

Welcome! s

THEOjibway

You have to move on! If you want to stay sober maybe you can try AA and such. I've been sober for almost 6 months now and things were grim looking for me as well. I was drinking for 4 days straight. I skipped work and never once called in to explain why. I didn't because I was getting drunk and my drunk side? Didn't care at all. Once day three came up I was drunk all morning and drunk all afternoon and night. What did I care about? Getting more to drink. But then my body was on the edge with all the drinking. it was working so hard I could barely walk without staggering but I was afraid to stop moving because my body tensed up very hard because it wanted rest but i was so drunk and afraid to sleep I thought I wasn't going to wake up. and near the end when I was withdrawing it seemed most likely I wouldn't wake up. either die or go into alcoholic coma who knows. But I continued drinking and the feeling went away but I felt so crappy when I sat down in the bar at 11am I ordered one alcoholic drink, had it and left. It was a shot and as soon as I had that shot my insides were burning so badly and I ran to the washroom and vomited the shot back up and yet again.... I still drank more when I got home.

As I explain this I think how it was back then and compare it to now. Now I am happy and sober and in AA. I've hosted aa meetings and recently got into service work and for the first time I chaired an interchange meeting where out group puts on the meeting a t another group and I was nervous but made it through lol.

Point is, it's going to be hard and alot of hard work on your part to reach the light on the end of the dark tunnel. I was slipping further and further into that pitch black tunnel as I continued to drink and lie more and more. I even stopped going to aa because I was "tired" well to be honest I was a night shift worker and made it hard to attend meetings so I started to not go and when I didn't I had the urge to drink. Heck. One time I even had a few drinks before I went to a unplanned meeting and looked forward to getting the meeting over so I could get back home and drink more and get drunk as heck. Thats how sick I was. Im doing great now and I really hope you figure things out. It's hard to know what to say because you are fragile right now and going through alot of trouble. But in no doubt in my mind, if you pull through this and really listen and work hard, you'll get to the point I'm in right now and look back and see how lucky you were to pull through after all, I was on the verge to continue to drink almost 6 months ago and I had 3 cans of rockstar vodka mix ready at my disposal. I grabbed a can and looked at it in pain. I was on here at the time and in the chatroom and some members showed up online. I told them what I wanted to do so badly and that was to drink the last 3 drinks I had sitting there waiting for me. They of course advised against it and I argued to myself whether to drink or not. I had my fingers on the tab to open it when I was like "NO." I got up opened the cans and poured all 3 down the drain. I knew there was going to be hardships to deal with and I knew that moment if I had drank those 3. I would have gotten dressed and head out to the liquor store and bar and drink more. I knew if I continued I'd be drunk and waste all the remaining of my cash in which there was only 120 dollars... enough to last me 1 more day of drinking. But I stopped in time and thank god I did. I'm not sure what would have happened but I'm thankful I didn't drink. so good luck!

THEOjibway

Sorry i failed to mention that I've been on this site since August 2011 sodon't mind my post count. I left this site for reasons then I came back and had to start fresh with posts lol. So I'm not a newcomer and been in aa for 3 years but struggled to stay sober until now, somethig has changed. just wanted to clarify why a "newcomer" is giving advice lol

AD33

I was just diagnosed with a mental illness and recently started attending AA after walking out of a rehab where my destructive behaviour really embarrassed me. I was dry for many years before I went to rehab - sat in many fellowships as I have multiple addictions and compulsions but never AA, with no awareness of my mental health issue. Took a handful of pills before going to rehab as I was so desperate at the state of my life. Anyway, I felt incredibly ashamed after leaving rehab and then drinking in my parents' house, no job, virtually no friends etc. I have just over 5 weeks' without alcohol through attending AA and getting to know a few safe people in the fellowship. To be very honest I am finding it difficult and am still in some denial about being an alcoholic but I do feel more hopeful especially because I am now in a better position to get outside help for my mental health and my self-esteem is a bit better. I hope this helps and thanks for your post - I need to hear about other peoples' experiences and determination to get well as it gives me hope.

Maggie301

Hi Kat. I am new to here as well and in crisis mode, so I am not one to give advice. What I can say though is staying around here in the forum(s) has comforted me and helped me think clearer. I hope you are feeling better soon.

NYCDoglvr

I also suffer from both alcoholism and depression (actually very, very common). I've stayed sober thanks to AA and a wonderful shrink keeps me sane. I take anti-depressants.
I suggest going to AA because there is a lot of support there and also making an appointment with your doctor.

A hug.......

THEOjibway

i hate doing boxes and I don't like doing garbage!

Jitterbugg

Hi Kat,
I did 35 days rehab last year too...relapsed after 5 months. I've been in jail 5 times cuz of my drinking. Always started fights with whoever was near me...family, friends, GF. I am sober now and my depression has lifted. Alcohol makes depression much, much worse. The pain and embarrassment I caused with my drinking is the main motivation keeping me sober

langkah

On the positive side, it's possible you've learned something about the value of rehab and what happens when you decide you have it sussed and don't need AA.

Those would be worthwhile things, if you learned them.

zbear23

I believe, as alcoholics, we share a common problem. And part of that problem is refusing to believe it IS a problem...and therefore rejecting solutions that others have found. I think there are many solutions, and we all either find one that suits us, or we stay in the problem.

I drank to feel good. Period. And the more and longer I drank, the less able I was to feel good without a drink. Alcohol is a mood/mind-altering substance. That's why I drank. Over time it changed how I thought, felt and behaved. For me, the change was gradual, over many years, so most people never really noticed. But the fact for me is that, at some point I stopped thinking, feeling and behaving "normally," and I've discovered through AA that I'm not alone in this. My behavior confounds most people, because they are not "powerless" to stop a behavior that is obviously unhealthy and often life threatening. I call that "insanity," and insanity responds very poorly to reason. That means that no one could talk me out of it, but by following the example of successfully sober people, I was able to ACT my way out of it. It turns out that sobriety is a skill set for me, that I was able to learn from others who had mastered it. Putting the plug in the jug was merely the start of something good; but maintaining that sobriety over time turned out to be awfully challenging....especially for someone who balks at being told what I 'should' do.

I could've probably succeeded in any number of ways, but a really important thing for me was to be among those I felt comfortable with. As MIckey Rourke says in "Barfly,""it's not that I don't like people....I'm just more comfortable when they're not around." Being among like minded people was important enough for me to seek out those who drank and drugged the way I did....and not much good ever came of that. AA gave me a positive context in which to recover. It provided me with a textbook and lots of others who were engaged in learning the necessary skills. Perhaps for the first time, I really felt as if I belonged.

I learned to stop comparing myself to others and instead began to identify with them. I looked for ways to create unity instead of separateness. I was able to set aside my need for "specialness," in the understanding that this was based in fear and ego. AA, and recovery in general, is from the heart...it is about love,unity, tolerance. Stuff I never grasped outside of a barroom.

In a nutshell, after several false starts, I really did surrender to the notion that by myself I was powerless...hopeless; that I needed the experience, strength and hope that I observed in others who actually did the AA recovery program exactly as it was written....no exceptions. (every time I said "yeah, but" it was followed by some reason why I was exceptional and didn't have to do what worked for others). I became willing to take direction from others. After all, it was my own "alcoholic" thinking that got me into the hopeless situation. I was unable to think my way out of bad thinking. So I learned about sober behavior.

I learned to be openminded and willing to change, to "work" the program just way it was given, to not skip any steps, to take suggestions because I obviously needed guidance. I found that in AA, along with love, support and lots of wisdom. Part of the wisdom is learning how to choose those people I could trust, because no one gets to AA because they are so well, so trustworthy, so honest. I sought out those who really were happy, joyous and free as a result of staying sober.

Obviously, I could go on and on with this seemingly endless supply of useful tools for recovery. Choose a mentor....call her a sponsor if you wish, but find someone who has been successfully recovered for years, not months, and follow her around. Do as she does. Value her judgment over your own....because she'll be right more often than you.

"Time" takes time. Recovery is not an event, but a process of learning what AA calls "a new design for living."

I hate being told what to do. But I've got to admit my life has vastly improved once I got my ego right-sized and focused on willingness rather than smartness.

And good on you for reaching out here for that experience, strength and hope that so many have found on this site and in so many groups around the world. Recovery is no mystery. It was my refusal to accept the help that was offered that was the real mystery. I love being sober.

blessings
zenbear

justhadenough

hi kat, i'm new too, was just over 40 days and relapsed also. Don't beat yourself up over it. you still have all those days you didn't drink-someone said that to me and it makes sense