AD33

I have about 5 weeks without alcohol. Stopped drinking in my early twenties, swapped alcohol for an eating disorder, drugs and other compulsions throughout my twenties and early thirties and sat in nearly every fellowship but AA for four-five years going insane from dry drunk syndrome and undiagnosed mental illness until going to a secondary rehab where I was told I was a dry alcoholic. Walked out after three months and went on a three month vodka binge which got me to AA. My self-esteem is very low: I feel like a fraud in AA, a not good enough alcoholic. I'm dry and struggling with outside mental health at present. Due to bad experiences in other fellowships I do not trust AA entirely but am giving it a chance along with outside help I didn't get previously. This evening I was desperate to buy spirits and knock them back but I know that won't help. I was sitting on street benches drinking, bursting into tears in public, hiding alcohol in my parents' house and drinking before and after going to the gym - sitting on street benches after Zumba classes mixing vodka with coconut water pretending I was making myself a cocktail! I know that's not normal drinking but my mind tells me I haven't hit my bottom yet, I'm being dishonest with myself, that I might as well go and drink because I haven't suffered enough to deserve to attend AA. That's where I am.

MycoolFitz

The bottom is what we make it. I've been diagnosed with all sorts of things not comfortable in AA have cravings but if I don't pick up all things are possible take care of yourself my friend.

flower43

Hi, I have 44 days and am tempted to drink today too. I also struggled with eating disorder and the exercise/binge drinking combo.

Be gentle with yourself right now. I think it is wonderful that you are trying AA and talking with others about the way you feel. I bet you would be surprised how many people can relate to you. I am not at the point where I feel comfortable going to AA, so I think you have a lot to be proud of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to move your recovery along.

You sound fragile...maybe take a hot bath or do something soothing/comforting for yourself!

flower43

Hi, I have 44 days and am tempted to drink today too. I also struggled with eating disorder and the exercise/binge drinking combo.

Be gentle with yourself right now. I think it is wonderful that you are trying AA and talking with others about the way you feel. I bet you would be surprised how many people can relate to you. I am not at the point where I feel comfortable going to AA, so I think you have a lot to be proud of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone to move your recovery along.

You sound fragile...maybe take a hot bath or do something soothing/comforting for yourself!

littlefish

You might try not calling it a drink, but using. I've created a new vocabulary in recovery. I don't call alcohol a beverage. It is a substance for me. I used this substance when I was unable to identify what my feelings were: fear, resentment, anger. They filled my brain like buzzing wasps and the only thing that would silence the noise was to use.
But, as I hinted, it is enormously helpful to identify what your feelings are.
The only reason I ever want a drink is when I am drowning in desperate emotions.
so, I have a lot of techniques for anticipating that moment: the techniques are also called tools.
Deserving AA? The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. That is all AA asks.
If you have your big book handy, there is a section about hitting bottom and that there is no rule that you have to hit a high or a low bottom, there is no contest. If drinking has made your life unmanageable, that is reason enough to quit.

Dee74

I think our bottom is when we decide we can't live this life one minute longer.
It needn't be a catastrophic event and it needn't wait until we are living under a bridge.

Alcoholism is not a comparative event - I know people who drank more than me and yet who exhibited none of the binging, obsessions or loss of control I did.

I know people who drank less than me, and yet who are no longer alive to talk about it.

The bottom line is not how do I compare to anyone else but what does alcohol do to me - does it create problems for me, is it destroying me, do I want to quit?

If you answered yes, then you owe it to yourself to do something about it

if you feel you've had enough and you want change - then go for it - you qualify

D

2granddaughters

AD33, for some of us recovery in AA is like learning to play the piano... when you HATE piano !! But the simple fact is that if you sit in front of the piano for an hour a day and practice it... like it or not..... you will learn to play it. That simple.
The program gets us, we don't get it.

Read AA's "How It Works" and tell me where you can't identify.

Good luck in your sobriety.

Bob R

AD33

Your replies appreciated - reminds me I'm not alone!