luvswhiskey

is it a cop out or in some people's chemistry? i feel things have led me down this path ~ or am i just blame'n stuff in my life & just weak...i'm realizing i am not a functioning alcoholic, things are cropping up & bite'n me ~ i gotta get my stuff together. now i'm live'n in fear everyday what i've messed up in my job over the last couple years, i am literally having to pay $ for it.

2 hard things i have overcome & maintained for years in my life is being overweight half my life (lost 75 lbs & maintained it) & quit smoking cold turkey (i got asthma)

:/ so i should be able to do this too!!

luvswhiskey

today i got an email about something i missed & it will cost me $2500 at least. that should be enough to make me quit...but no, i like that comfortably numb feeling :/

luvswhiskey

i don't drink & work...but obviously i'm not in my right mind

Dee74

Hi LW

what I discovered is it doesn't matter a bit whether it's nature or nuture - what matters is if I do something about it.

I don't think addiction is always about willpower.

I used to described my addiction as being in the middle of a dark still sea...I had no idea how to get to land/recovery on my own...I really needed other people who'd already found the shore to guide me in...

D

sugarbear1

Welcome to SR! Lots of support here!

luvswhiskey

i guess i need those who have found the shore...i reached out to a couple sisters & husband ~ i realize it's all up to me. idk, the lack of support from family & nobody really reaching out a hand makes me fell like ~ what the...??

Dee74

There's a load of support & good ideas here LW

D

instant

Took me a while to figure out that no matter how highly we see ourselves functioning, alcohol is not a performance enhancing drug.

Now I am nearly 9 months sober, I am amazed how subtle, insidious the effects have been but that the cumulative effect had been severe. Here I am still noticing major improvements in my performance.

davaidavai

I've just been dealing with the same stuff. 2010 I had a job which ended badly. It was a tough job, but I couldn't handle it. I went home weekends, had 10 drinks, fought with my hang over and my own emotional states the rest of the week, was literally crippled in the face of complex social interactions. 2011 I got a new job and began to repeat the same patterns. I knew what my problems were, but when things got tough I fell pray to the same mistakes, in part because I was putting myself in difficult situations that I probably shouldn't have been and in part because, within those situations, I wasn't thinking properly.

Right now, I'm 3 months without a drop and have just begun to deal with the deeper problems beneath the drinking. Shame and embarrassment for how I've been living since I was 19 serve as a guide toward trying to remember positives. Seeing a doctor was a really hard step for whatever reason, but that helped a lot.

The key thing is to make changes. I know it might sound like a trite and loathsome cliche within the confines of a hang over, but the act of acting is actually a huge part of the therapy.

I still go in and out of it, but over this last week it's literally hitting me like a ton of bricks and I stay awake at night thinking holy sh** I'm not actually an ugly idiot. I'll probably have to deal with my depression in some form for the rest of the life: but this week is the first time in my life, literally, when I've been able to sustain a vantage onto my former condition, to see myself in a different way. It's so amazing.

flutter

It really doesn't matter to me what 'caused' the pattern I got myself into. In fact, when I went to a counselor to help me get and stay sober, practically NONE of our work had anything to do directly with drinking alcohol. All I know is what I was doing was going to ruin my life eventually, so I had to stop completely. I haven't regretted that decision or the work it's taken to get here.

langkah

It is a drag when we go from functioning despite our drinking to not doing so very well in those important other areas. It makes continuing to drink and damage ourselves in ever more serious ways even harder for us to understand than earlier when the damage we were doing to our lives was far less.

But sadly, those good old non-critical damage drinking days are never to return once they've gone away. It's like trying to unflush a toilet once the swirling has begun.

Keep trying very hard.

RobbyRobot

Good going on keeping the weight off and quitting smoking - drinking alcoholically is a different kind of experience then over eating or smoking so don't take it too personally that you can't just up and quit drinking. When we make that crossing into alcoholism we just cant get back to from whence we came. We burn our bridges as we continue with the drinking...

Like others are saying, stopping and reaching out for help and guidance is a proven way forward. Counselling and therapy can really be helpful as well. Joining up with recovery programs and other organized methods of recovery all offer important advantages in stopping drinking and living a life of recovery. Plenty of forums here on SR as well of course. Read through them as you go forward.

Alcoholism is no cop out. Do some googling and discover for yourself the facts about alcoholic drinking, alcoholism, sobriety and recovery. Become informed. You've done so well with other areas of your life, give yourself a real chance to do just as well on how to move forward with doing something good about your drinking.

You're not alone.

Music

I've found that talking to someone who believes alcoholism is a matter of will, bad decisions or just bad luck is much like talking to someone about religion or politics. It's hard to talk to someone who's already convinced and set on believing in a certain mindset. I usually just step aside and let them find their own way rather than try to change their mind and make my own head hurt. Sometimes converting from one mindset to another takes a long time and a great deal of pain. I'm not God and I don't try to play God. It's not within my job description to interfere with someone hitting their own bottom. Sounds to me like that's what you need to do. When you've drunk or drugged enough that you become willing to change...you will. As long as you're comfortable feeling numb, the booze and drugs are still working for you. When you've had enough, you'll know.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The only way to quit is to stop drinking.

macknacat

yep- my vaunted ability to think "logically" was how i ended up bottomed out.. I ALWAYS knew the answers [ just didn't want to ask the right questions] When i finally hurt enough - emotionally, financially, physically - thats when i could listen and try on a new way. For me that was AA/NA- I about gagged on all those trite sayings - but i HAD to do something different. One of those sayings: As long as i keep doing what i'm doing, i'll keep getting what i am getting...