1 year, 3 months today
DOS: 11/6/10
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Florida Panhandle, USA
Posts: 736
1 year, 3 months today
I know, no one really celebrates 15 months, but for me, this particular monday marks the end of a truly horrible week, with my DH off his meds and lashing out to any and all friends who tried to help and putting a good dent in our career and our name as well.
The first night we were appearing in public, I went ahead and "told on myself" to the bartenders. Diet Coke, yes, until I drown, but nothing else. And- I wasn't really craving or tempted that night. Just totally miserable and terrified to think beyond 4 hours ahead.
The real temptation came later that night. I was staying with friends who I think don't completely believe somehow that I'm an alcoholic. He jokingly/yet seriously said if I wanted to fall off the wagon he could make that happen.
For 4 seconds, the alcoholic in me jumped ahead of the spiritual me and thought, "wow, I COULD, and NO ONE would know..."
And then, thank you God, the spiritual and rational me clubbed the alcoholic me with a wooden Louisville Slugger (the best for internal self-clubbing), reminding myself how extraordinarily stupid that would be and I would no sooner be able to keep such a rotten "secret" than I would be able to fly.
The moment passed, and I was glad they had bought some decaf coffee so I wouldn't be all jazzed up at 1 in the morning after having such a tiring argument with myself.
Beyond that- the weekend was high stress, high tension... low pay, made lower because I called in an emergency extra player to help "run interference". Still, we put on professional shows both nights and for that I am grateful.
DH seems to be talking in full sentences now and not referring to me in expletives, so where to go from here? Not a freakin' clue. I'm on the 4 hour plan, folks. Hopefully get him to the dr this afternoon. Everything beyond that is up in the air.
I am sober for today... guaranteed for 4 hours, at which time I'll most likely sign on for another 4 hours... I have my mental toolbox with me and a bunch of phone numbers and I'm leaving for a meeting shortly.
Love to you all. You are all a big part of my sanity.
The first night we were appearing in public, I went ahead and "told on myself" to the bartenders. Diet Coke, yes, until I drown, but nothing else. And- I wasn't really craving or tempted that night. Just totally miserable and terrified to think beyond 4 hours ahead.
The real temptation came later that night. I was staying with friends who I think don't completely believe somehow that I'm an alcoholic. He jokingly/yet seriously said if I wanted to fall off the wagon he could make that happen.
For 4 seconds, the alcoholic in me jumped ahead of the spiritual me and thought, "wow, I COULD, and NO ONE would know..."
And then, thank you God, the spiritual and rational me clubbed the alcoholic me with a wooden Louisville Slugger (the best for internal self-clubbing), reminding myself how extraordinarily stupid that would be and I would no sooner be able to keep such a rotten "secret" than I would be able to fly.
The moment passed, and I was glad they had bought some decaf coffee so I wouldn't be all jazzed up at 1 in the morning after having such a tiring argument with myself.
Beyond that- the weekend was high stress, high tension... low pay, made lower because I called in an emergency extra player to help "run interference". Still, we put on professional shows both nights and for that I am grateful.
DH seems to be talking in full sentences now and not referring to me in expletives, so where to go from here? Not a freakin' clue. I'm on the 4 hour plan, folks. Hopefully get him to the dr this afternoon. Everything beyond that is up in the air.
I am sober for today... guaranteed for 4 hours, at which time I'll most likely sign on for another 4 hours... I have my mental toolbox with me and a bunch of phone numbers and I'm leaving for a meeting shortly.
Love to you all. You are all a big part of my sanity.
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