The thread for people with at least 8 years
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Colorado
Posts: 1,071
I am really looking forward to reading this thread and getting inspired by all you old timers 
IMHO the only problem with excluding those with less than 8 years is that you're leaving Dee is out and he's the smartest guy here, lol!
IMHO the only problem with excluding those with less than 8 years is that you're leaving Dee is out and he's the smartest guy here, lol!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
1] the arrogance of Not Calling someone in the program when i am hurting- this happens just enough that i know i need to pray this thing thru.
Had that too. During my first 1 1/2 years I called often and sometimes multiple times in a day, because I didn't trust my head and wanted to bounce my decisions and perceptions off people with time. Like a pendulum I swung the other way for a while after that, but would still use the coffee shop to get feedback from others, and did the usual parking lot discussions 'till 2am with my sponsor on pending amends and family stuff.
Once I felt good most of the time it became rare for me to call others for help, obviously the urgency and frequency was lessened. What I noticed after some years of that is what I think you're talking about, a resurgence of unwillingness and self-will for me, that I didn't want to be seen by others as the kind of guy who still had problems and fears, crappy little resentments or a mind that was sometimes clouded and unsure.
Just like every other point in sobriety where I've gotten in my own way and stopped growing I would stand the feelings of conflict for as long as I could bear them and then push through my resistance and use the help available to me. At several points like that I had conversations that changed my life. I'd forgotten that a neutral observer can so often see what my self-will blinds me to, the obvious and right moves that point me in a better direction, ones I could not see on my own.
2] how do you grieve a sponsor who relapses?
Haven't had that experience yet. My first sponsor died sober and my second is still going strong with over 40 years. No one in my group with more time than I has ever relapsed.
Had that too. During my first 1 1/2 years I called often and sometimes multiple times in a day, because I didn't trust my head and wanted to bounce my decisions and perceptions off people with time. Like a pendulum I swung the other way for a while after that, but would still use the coffee shop to get feedback from others, and did the usual parking lot discussions 'till 2am with my sponsor on pending amends and family stuff.
Once I felt good most of the time it became rare for me to call others for help, obviously the urgency and frequency was lessened. What I noticed after some years of that is what I think you're talking about, a resurgence of unwillingness and self-will for me, that I didn't want to be seen by others as the kind of guy who still had problems and fears, crappy little resentments or a mind that was sometimes clouded and unsure.
Just like every other point in sobriety where I've gotten in my own way and stopped growing I would stand the feelings of conflict for as long as I could bear them and then push through my resistance and use the help available to me. At several points like that I had conversations that changed my life. I'd forgotten that a neutral observer can so often see what my self-will blinds me to, the obvious and right moves that point me in a better direction, ones I could not see on my own.
2] how do you grieve a sponsor who relapses?
Haven't had that experience yet. My first sponsor died sober and my second is still going strong with over 40 years. No one in my group with more time than I has ever relapsed.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Like the idea of the thread, anyone who has found a solution to their drinking will understand that quitting drinking is the easy bit and then the focus must be on self improvement and discovery in order to achieve long term sobriety...i'm not 8 years but will be interested to read more:-)
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by macknacat
1] the arrogance of Not Calling someone in the program when i am hurting- this happens just enough that i know i need to pray this thing thru.
I've always been able to find somebody to talk with as a rule. Helping others is always the best remedy for our own problems, and there's always somebody to help, even if at the end of a hard day, all things being equal, it was simply myself. Working with others is as close to a cure as we're ever gonna get, and its all around us, free for the sharing.
Originally Posted by macknacat
how do you grieve a sponsor who relapses? - 2 of the most influential men in my recovery went back out. One is still out 2 years later . And he is the one with whom i have done the deepest inner child, learning-to-love-myself work. Ironically, they both showed up at the ICU when my son was airlifted w/ TBI from a bad bike crash. Gotta admit- they were convenient vent targets- especially as they had never met so i could introduce them to each other as "two of the biggest and most stupid M#@**F&^$7*rs" i knew etc etc . One was on a broken leg- flipped his vette [and a DUI] when he was trying to get to the hospital.
that'll do for now
thanks for the thread...
that'll do for now
thanks for the thread...
What to do?
Help others absolutely -- especially your two past sponsors if you can manage it. There is alot of hurt and betrayal there for you to face of course, alot of anger and distrust for sure, alot of discovery and maybe even some more sucker-punches as you come to grips with your own sober foundational footings.
Steps 10, 11, and 12.
You might also take a peek at the latter half of Step 1 -- just to make sure your on the same page with yourself about how the real problem here is not that some alcoholic or two went back out, but that your life as an alcoholic with 16 years sobriety got those 16 years by starting with Step 1.
I haven't had a sponsor since my first completion of the Steps, around three months. Once I had Step 12 going on, I just let go of my sponsor and I've never looked back. My work with others is my sponsor now these many years. So for me, anybody I'm sharing with helps me help myself. For more complicated problems, theres always somebody with enough sobriety somewhere that i can have a one-off share with them and get the job done. Most of my best and deepest help i've ever gotten is through simple coffee talks here, there, and everywhere, you know?
Hope your son is doing well.
Glad you posted. Awesome congrats on your sobriety!
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
1] the arrogance of Not Calling someone in the program when i am hurting- . . .
that *IS* arrogance.
You see, I am *SO* special, that NO ONE else in the world has the same issues me. NO ONE else in the world could possibly understand about my husband relapsing, me sending my brother to prison with the FBI’s help, about my 2 brothers not telling me for 3 months that my mother had died . . . blah blah blah blah blah
Maybe it’s not the specific situation I need them to understand – but the FEELINGS?
At (almost) 20 years sober, it’s even worse. My brain is telling me how damned SPECIAL I am. Surely *I* do not need to stoop so low as to actually CALL PEOPLE! THEY should be calling ME, so that *I* may impart wisdom upon THEM!
(sad thing is that I’m serious)
Yes folks, I’m an alcoholic and I am a sick puppy, even tho I am so wondrously sober.
It takes A LOT of emotional pain for me to get willing to learn. These last 6 months have left me EXTREMELY willing - FINALLY. I actually hang out after my women’s meetings and talk (and LISTEN!) to other women! The silly alcoholics (most with WAY less time than me!) ASK ME HOW I AM – and I TELL them. During meetings, after meetings, THEY CALL ME! I call them back! I cry. I vent. I rant. They understand. I laugh. They laugh.
I think I’m figuring out that the biggest secret to calling people – for me - new or old in sobriety – is for me to make myself get in the habit when there’s NOT a crisis going on. That way when there *IS* a crisis, it’s more automatic. It’s gonna be more easy to call L----=--- during a bad time cuz her + I talk about our pet bunnies running around our apartments nibbling on things they shouldn’t and laughing our butts off.
2] how do you grieve a sponsor who relapses?
See 1)
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by BlueMoon 
I’ll pick up my 20yr chip this Friday –
You see, I am *SO* special, that NO ONE else in the world has the same issues me. NO ONE else in the world could possibly understand about my husband relapsing, me sending my brother to prison with the FBI’s help, about my 2 brothers not telling me for 3 months that my mother had died . . . blah blah blah blah blah
Maybe it’s not the specific situation I need them to understand – but the FEELINGS?
At (almost) 20 years sober, it’s even worse. My brain is telling me how damned SPECIAL I am. Surely *I* do not need to stoop so low as to actually CALL PEOPLE! THEY should be calling ME, so that *I* may impart wisdom upon THEM!
(sad thing is that I’m serious)
Yes folks, I’m an alcoholic and I am a sick puppy, even tho I am so wondrously sober.
Sorry about your struggles with feeling special. We certainly all deserve to feel special, no matter we got 20 mins, 20 days, or 20 years. I'm a real believer in that we are indeed all special. Of course, feelingly good about it is so important.
Don't ever give up on the idea that you're special!! No problem there, don't waste anymore time struggling with that, it just digs a deeper hole into your self-worth and self-esteem. Forget about all that nonsense.
We're all special
When I'm feeling and thinking and hoping to be all so-called superior to my so-called inferiors its an experience that brings to my attention that i am being somehow overwhelmed by my day to day challenges on some deep level that I'm not being rigorously honest with myself about.
Your husband relapsed. Your mother died. Your family keeps you in the dark. You sent your brother up. And theres probably more that isn't being shared right now...
Hey. That is alot on anybody's plate.
You need some good old fashioned straight up face to face emotional loving with someone who cares about you at least enough for you to honestly allow yourself to feel special.
Do you have someone in your life that can share that with you?
Of course, helping others is always a sure way to help ourselves, so that always works, you know? Good to know you're doing great with your women's group!
My thoughts and heart are with you, BlueMoon.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Woke up late, again. Not feeling too well and all three kids are sick so I'm waiting for my turn.
Didn't do a good "upon awakening" because I was running late. The mind was all a flutter in the shower. The shower is a good place for me because I had contemplated trying to make my suicide look like an accident by slipping in it and hitting my head - before I went to AA. So "upon awakening" was a "upon rinsing the hair out". I'm ready to roll. Immediately I see frost on my windows.
Crap. Grab the scraper thing, I HATE winter. Logistically there's so many more things to do. Then I remember my wife has to take the kids to the docs about an hour later, so being the good husband and "real man" I scrape her windows too.
Will I get some lovin for this ? No, probably not.
My head is curving towards my ass to slip in and feel comfy cozy in the warmth of my own crap: self-pity, self-seeking, delusional thinking.
Get to work, forgot my badge to get into the building. 7th Step prayer over and over again to drown out the subtle thoughts of "**** it".
Just got out of a meeting for work and accomplished a few small things so far, so where am I at now ?
I think I'm awake to the fact that I'm quite lucky to be here - working, able to provide for a family, and do a service that has some social value to boot. I'm turning, watching, and pausing as much as it takes to stay awake to that and do my job in my role as employee. I'm getting back to work here in a minute. Feeling more empowered and have some juice going. The FEAR is that I don't have my badge so I can't leave to go get coffee any time I want. I have to ask someone for help.
The good news is, I got an A on my mid-term exam. It was open book, but I didn't need it. Rather than goof off this quarter and take advantage of "open-book", increasing stress and feeling phony - I actually prepared. That's God right there helping me overcome my slothfulness, I think.
10,11,12. My mind can't help but look forward to working Steps 4, 5, with a few fellows in the next week.
Didn't do a good "upon awakening" because I was running late. The mind was all a flutter in the shower. The shower is a good place for me because I had contemplated trying to make my suicide look like an accident by slipping in it and hitting my head - before I went to AA. So "upon awakening" was a "upon rinsing the hair out". I'm ready to roll. Immediately I see frost on my windows.
Crap. Grab the scraper thing, I HATE winter. Logistically there's so many more things to do. Then I remember my wife has to take the kids to the docs about an hour later, so being the good husband and "real man" I scrape her windows too.
Will I get some lovin for this ? No, probably not.
My head is curving towards my ass to slip in and feel comfy cozy in the warmth of my own crap: self-pity, self-seeking, delusional thinking.
Get to work, forgot my badge to get into the building. 7th Step prayer over and over again to drown out the subtle thoughts of "**** it".
Just got out of a meeting for work and accomplished a few small things so far, so where am I at now ?
I think I'm awake to the fact that I'm quite lucky to be here - working, able to provide for a family, and do a service that has some social value to boot. I'm turning, watching, and pausing as much as it takes to stay awake to that and do my job in my role as employee. I'm getting back to work here in a minute. Feeling more empowered and have some juice going. The FEAR is that I don't have my badge so I can't leave to go get coffee any time I want. I have to ask someone for help.
The good news is, I got an A on my mid-term exam. It was open book, but I didn't need it. Rather than goof off this quarter and take advantage of "open-book", increasing stress and feeling phony - I actually prepared. That's God right there helping me overcome my slothfulness, I think.
10,11,12. My mind can't help but look forward to working Steps 4, 5, with a few fellows in the next week.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by langkah
.... I've noticed that when I'm talking with people who have the experience of staying sober that long very little needs to be explained to them....
So, pretty decent Sunday so far here. Slept in and did my 11th step later than usual. Gave some thought last night to picking up a meeting this morning, but obviously wasn't serious enough about it to set my alarm.
My sober partner has been in the hospital for 4 days receiving antibiotics in preparation for gall bladder surgery in a few more weeks. The chef there for some reason feels his dishes improve with lots of vino over the main courses, so she's been getting by on the side dishes breads and desserts, with an occasional trip to the cafeteria.
While I was there today one of her friends stopped in and made for a good conversation/distraction from the hospital routine. I'm looking forward to her return home tomorrow morning, and hope to spring her as early as possible. The house is way too big and too quiet without her. I've not experienced that feeling of being alone in a big uncaring world for a long time. It still feels lousy.
So, pretty decent Sunday so far here. Slept in and did my 11th step later than usual. Gave some thought last night to picking up a meeting this morning, but obviously wasn't serious enough about it to set my alarm.
My sober partner has been in the hospital for 4 days receiving antibiotics in preparation for gall bladder surgery in a few more weeks. The chef there for some reason feels his dishes improve with lots of vino over the main courses, so she's been getting by on the side dishes breads and desserts, with an occasional trip to the cafeteria.
While I was there today one of her friends stopped in and made for a good conversation/distraction from the hospital routine. I'm looking forward to her return home tomorrow morning, and hope to spring her as early as possible. The house is way too big and too quiet without her. I've not experienced that feeling of being alone in a big uncaring world for a long time. It still feels lousy.
Man, what a wonderful experience to actually miss being with other people, eh?! Especially significant others?!
I remember when I didn't care I was alone and in fact did everything to live a live of isolation, aloneness, and oblivion. Seriously a raw way to live out a wasted life.
To actually feel *honestly* lousy about being alone (that is when we are not alone in life) is such a wonderous gift....
Have a great day knowing that you indeed truly love someone other than just yourself... course you already know all this, I'm just sharing with you, my friend, as you know.
Awesome.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
So later today I'll have another therapy session with my Gestalt therapist. I've had half-a-dozen or so sessions since last December here in Ottawa. None through January as I was stateside for Christmas and Newyears.
Our sessions last like up to 5 hrs, lol. Not strange for Gestalt therapy, and affords plenty of time to dig deep for what the hell is going on with me. Richard, my therapist, is also a street raised guy, so we speak from the same melting pot. He's savvy to my defences and my games, so we get some good sessions flowing back and forth. It looks like we are also finding some genuine friendship being shared as well, so that's priceless. Friends are priceless, as we all learn from hard experience one way or another.
What I'm struggling with myself is that life is somehow becoming a stage all over again and I'm feeling more and more that i'm just rehearsing my lines and waiting for my cues for taking action etc etc
Not a puppet on a string thing, much more grandiose then that, lol. Sad but true, I'm a legend in my own mind, lol. I think I play with ego like its some kinda personal toy with my name all over it, you know? I gots no shame. <GRIN>
I know the source of my troubles is from when my previous life with my ex ended back in 2007. Its not the divorce which we both happily agreed too. And its not that things haven't turned out better because they absolutley have for everyone concerned. Its really that I have had to remake and re-invent myself once again from July 2007 up to (obviously) today and beyond.
And that I had to give up walking back in June of 2008 -- now making use of only crutches and a wheelchair. There is alot of baggage going on there, you know?
So yeah, I'm working through it. I haven't been in serious sessions since back in 1990 - 91 when i was really into some serious suicidal ideations that again had to do with my health. It was then I learned I required back surgery to relieve some serious pain brought on by spinal stenosis. As well, I learned about how post-polio was begining to have its effect on me. My requirement to give up walking back in 2008 is a direct result of the ongoing post-poilo syndrome complications which began back in 1990's.
I had to drop outta my three year diploma computer engineering program. I simply couldn't physically attend the classes. What are you gonna do, eh?!
So yeah, gestalt therapy. Its the real deal for me when I want to get down and dirty with what the hell is going on with me. Re-invention of my life is a well worn record for me, to be honest with you guys -- and so I think that is why I'm feeling like i'm back up on the stage again, rehearsing for a life that can never be anymore -- or i'm rehearsing for a life that is just unfolding as we speak -- but whatever it turns out to be, I need to get a clue because of course the bigger we are the harder we fall, you know?!
Yeah. And of course steps 10, 11, and 12. And I'm going to look into getting some experience with understanding AVRT. I'm impressed with the shares and know-how that is coming from persons who are getting on with AVRT in their lives. The Right Stuff.
I pray too. Prayer works. There is always an answer to my prayers -- I only require a heart and mind open to understanding that faith moves the greatest of mountains and crosses the deepest abyss.
I'm feeling good about this thread. Way cool idea, Langkah.
Our sessions last like up to 5 hrs, lol. Not strange for Gestalt therapy, and affords plenty of time to dig deep for what the hell is going on with me. Richard, my therapist, is also a street raised guy, so we speak from the same melting pot. He's savvy to my defences and my games, so we get some good sessions flowing back and forth. It looks like we are also finding some genuine friendship being shared as well, so that's priceless. Friends are priceless, as we all learn from hard experience one way or another.
What I'm struggling with myself is that life is somehow becoming a stage all over again and I'm feeling more and more that i'm just rehearsing my lines and waiting for my cues for taking action etc etc
Not a puppet on a string thing, much more grandiose then that, lol. Sad but true, I'm a legend in my own mind, lol. I think I play with ego like its some kinda personal toy with my name all over it, you know? I gots no shame. <GRIN>
I know the source of my troubles is from when my previous life with my ex ended back in 2007. Its not the divorce which we both happily agreed too. And its not that things haven't turned out better because they absolutley have for everyone concerned. Its really that I have had to remake and re-invent myself once again from July 2007 up to (obviously) today and beyond.
And that I had to give up walking back in June of 2008 -- now making use of only crutches and a wheelchair. There is alot of baggage going on there, you know?
So yeah, I'm working through it. I haven't been in serious sessions since back in 1990 - 91 when i was really into some serious suicidal ideations that again had to do with my health. It was then I learned I required back surgery to relieve some serious pain brought on by spinal stenosis. As well, I learned about how post-polio was begining to have its effect on me. My requirement to give up walking back in 2008 is a direct result of the ongoing post-poilo syndrome complications which began back in 1990's.
I had to drop outta my three year diploma computer engineering program. I simply couldn't physically attend the classes. What are you gonna do, eh?!
So yeah, gestalt therapy. Its the real deal for me when I want to get down and dirty with what the hell is going on with me. Re-invention of my life is a well worn record for me, to be honest with you guys -- and so I think that is why I'm feeling like i'm back up on the stage again, rehearsing for a life that can never be anymore -- or i'm rehearsing for a life that is just unfolding as we speak -- but whatever it turns out to be, I need to get a clue because of course the bigger we are the harder we fall, you know?!
Yeah. And of course steps 10, 11, and 12. And I'm going to look into getting some experience with understanding AVRT. I'm impressed with the shares and know-how that is coming from persons who are getting on with AVRT in their lives. The Right Stuff.
I pray too. Prayer works. There is always an answer to my prayers -- I only require a heart and mind open to understanding that faith moves the greatest of mountains and crosses the deepest abyss.
I'm feeling good about this thread. Way cool idea, Langkah.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,146
Congrats on your exam result JT, and for doing the bookwork to deserve the high mark. Studying, what a concept!
Because I was inattentive and didn't move the car into the garage last night I was doing the ice thing this morning too, before heading for the hospital to retrieve my far better half. She was waiting bags packed, fully paperworked and goodbyes completed. Sooo good to have her home and back to frisky.
I'm ignorant regarding Gestalt therapy Robby, but from your description it sounds demanding and intense and beneficial. Good results coming from hard work done.
A woman in my group would say that any physical activity can also be a prayer, and making the bed this morning was mine, in addition to the usual rote words.
Because I was inattentive and didn't move the car into the garage last night I was doing the ice thing this morning too, before heading for the hospital to retrieve my far better half. She was waiting bags packed, fully paperworked and goodbyes completed. Sooo good to have her home and back to frisky.
I'm ignorant regarding Gestalt therapy Robby, but from your description it sounds demanding and intense and beneficial. Good results coming from hard work done.
A woman in my group would say that any physical activity can also be a prayer, and making the bed this morning was mine, in addition to the usual rote words.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
i’m scared. So am saying this in a little whisper. I have to go see my oncologist in an hour ½. I don’t actually HAVE cancer but I have this weird thing that they have to check me every 3 months and make sure I still don’t. I’m terrified they’re gonna do a bone marrow aspiration again. TERRIFIED. Husband is supposedly at a mtg. feel like hell for worrying if he’s really there and if he’ll really be here to take me to the doctor. I wanna throw up. Do I call anyone? Heck no. No one else knows about my medical stuff. They already know too much about me. It’s hard to walk the walk. anniversaries make me wanna drink.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
heh thanks for the replies!
I realized in reading these that I actually DO a lot of day to day contact with others in the Program. And honest sharing at meeting has not been much of an issue. Rather , its more about the specifics- that instance of once again being confronted by my son's Injury -his quick explosion of feelings which accelerate, become overblown and trigger all sorts of outlandish false memories and then, after he storms away I hurt . Often it is "simply" the 11th step. But there are days when i am overwhelmed by the sheer fatigue of my emotions.
I am beginning to wonder if there is a common thread between this situation and that of my relapsed sponsors. Both cases involve some level of loss-of-what-was and yet there is still the Fact that all these ppl are alive . I mean, my father died unexpectedly 5 yrs back and my brother was murdered 3 years ago- those were 'finite', if you will. And thus, after a time, those memories were compartmentalized and they were safe as "accepted"...
And a quick note to Robby. re sponsor. I finally asked a guy at a meeting last week to sponsor me around the grief stuff as well as some other issues. I went without a sponsor for several years - partly because in my rural community very few have as much clean time as i do and the two that have more than me wanted me as their sponsor... go figure. And partly because i have been waiting on the 'resonance'. And that arrogance thingy for sure LOL!
Anyway- what i think is valuable here is to find someone i can tell my whole unvarnished story to- i have always felt that there is an appropriate level of sharing in the rooms that has to be maintained . And then there is the deeper level that allows me , as sponsor or sponsee, to divulge another layer of the onion. And then that gives us the background to be appropriate in our experience , strength and hope.
thanks again for the replies-
I realized in reading these that I actually DO a lot of day to day contact with others in the Program. And honest sharing at meeting has not been much of an issue. Rather , its more about the specifics- that instance of once again being confronted by my son's Injury -his quick explosion of feelings which accelerate, become overblown and trigger all sorts of outlandish false memories and then, after he storms away I hurt . Often it is "simply" the 11th step. But there are days when i am overwhelmed by the sheer fatigue of my emotions.
I am beginning to wonder if there is a common thread between this situation and that of my relapsed sponsors. Both cases involve some level of loss-of-what-was and yet there is still the Fact that all these ppl are alive . I mean, my father died unexpectedly 5 yrs back and my brother was murdered 3 years ago- those were 'finite', if you will. And thus, after a time, those memories were compartmentalized and they were safe as "accepted"...
And a quick note to Robby. re sponsor. I finally asked a guy at a meeting last week to sponsor me around the grief stuff as well as some other issues. I went without a sponsor for several years - partly because in my rural community very few have as much clean time as i do and the two that have more than me wanted me as their sponsor... go figure. And partly because i have been waiting on the 'resonance'. And that arrogance thingy for sure LOL!
Anyway- what i think is valuable here is to find someone i can tell my whole unvarnished story to- i have always felt that there is an appropriate level of sharing in the rooms that has to be maintained . And then there is the deeper level that allows me , as sponsor or sponsee, to divulge another layer of the onion. And then that gives us the background to be appropriate in our experience , strength and hope.
thanks again for the replies-
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
“the two that have more (time) than me wanted me as their sponsor... go figure.”
Within a few months of my first meeting I was back again with 1 day. I was feeling rather defensive and must have said something that made an individual take note. They looked at me quite sternly and said “It’s not a program of seniority”.
Within a few months of my first meeting I was back again with 1 day. I was feeling rather defensive and must have said something that made an individual take note. They looked at me quite sternly and said “It’s not a program of seniority”.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by BlueMoon
i’m scared. So am saying this in a little whisper. I have to go see my oncologist in an hour ½. I don’t actually HAVE cancer but I have this weird thing that they have to check me every 3 months and make sure I still don’t. I’m terrified they’re gonna do a bone marrow aspiration again. TERRIFIED. Husband is supposedly at a mtg. feel like hell for worrying if he’s really there and if he’ll really be here to take me to the doctor. I wanna throw up. Do I call anyone? Heck no. No one else knows about my medical stuff. They already know too much about me. It’s hard to walk the walk. anniversaries make me wanna drink.
I know it can be difficult to share, even with advanced sobriety experience, it can still be really hard to find that certain someone or group or whatever. But it is what it is, and nothing but sharing is the same as sharing. There are no short cuts around sharing.
Professional therapy comes to mind, you know, just to be able to discuss what is what and get it out into the light of day.
I know its hard to walk the walk. It can be easier to walk with some decent sharing with some competent people sharing right back with you. Sorry for the wanting to get drunk feelings... very hurtful for sure. I have every good hope for you to push past thru and find a trusting soul to lean on ASAP.
Good to know you're sharing with us!!
(((((BlueMoon)))))
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
Originally Posted by BlueMoon
i’m scared. So am saying this in a little whisper. I have to go see my oncologist in an hour ½. I don’t actually HAVE cancer but I have this weird thing that they have to check me every 3 months and make sure I still don’t. I’m terrified they’re gonna do a bone marrow aspiration again. TERRIFIED. Husband is supposedly at a mtg. feel like hell for worrying if he’s really there and if he’ll really be here to take me to the doctor. I wanna throw up. Do I call anyone? Heck no. No one else knows about my medical stuff. They already know too much about me. It’s hard to walk the walk. anniversaries make me wanna drink.
God Bless and Good Luck.
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
still whispering . . .
my “numbers aren’t good” – more definitive lab results due thursday – my AA anniversary! (my Higher Power has a wicked sense of humor) - if they suck as much as today's, i get to schedule a bone marrow biopsy - *joy* - sat + very calmly discussed with doc what drug cocktail i want them to use this time cuz last time’s was less than adequate – (general anesthesia would be good)
i don’t wanna drink because my bff is giving me her old XX chip at friday’s mtg, + for the 1st time in 20yrs i am celebrating my anniversary! i am having a PIZZA PARTY on sat. for myself with hubby, son + gf, and FIVE G-DAUGHTERS!
there’s so much to stick around for – if i can’t walk the walk, then i’ll darn well crawl the crawl til i can . . .
blue
ps. thank you! thank you! thank you!
my “numbers aren’t good” – more definitive lab results due thursday – my AA anniversary! (my Higher Power has a wicked sense of humor) - if they suck as much as today's, i get to schedule a bone marrow biopsy - *joy* - sat + very calmly discussed with doc what drug cocktail i want them to use this time cuz last time’s was less than adequate – (general anesthesia would be good)
i don’t wanna drink because my bff is giving me her old XX chip at friday’s mtg, + for the 1st time in 20yrs i am celebrating my anniversary! i am having a PIZZA PARTY on sat. for myself with hubby, son + gf, and FIVE G-DAUGHTERS!
there’s so much to stick around for – if i can’t walk the walk, then i’ll darn well crawl the crawl til i can . . .
blue
ps. thank you! thank you! thank you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: in the shadow of the rockies
Posts: 338
and thank you B'moon for being willing to come here and teach me/us -
many years ago when my first son was in deep exploratory surgery my reaction was to go on a week long binge.
A couple years ago, when my remaining son was in a coma day after day- and i sat holding him, speaking of all that we had done together or just meditating- i told him i would be there for him regardless of what was to happen- somewhere deep inside i was grateful to be clean and sober, grateful to be able to feel the real feelings...
many years ago when my first son was in deep exploratory surgery my reaction was to go on a week long binge.
A couple years ago, when my remaining son was in a coma day after day- and i sat holding him, speaking of all that we had done together or just meditating- i told him i would be there for him regardless of what was to happen- somewhere deep inside i was grateful to be clean and sober, grateful to be able to feel the real feelings...
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