Travelling sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Surrey, UK
Posts: 99
Travelling sober
Hey SR, haven't posted in a while. Pleased to say that next month I will be a year and a half sober! I don't need to describe what a journey it's been. Chances are you're experiencing the trials and tribulations of your first days and months sober or have moved passed them onto more long term sobriety. Either way, I wish you strength and peace.
But I feel I'd like to externalise a few things that are on my mind. Firstly, I would say that my recovery is still fairly strong. I don't know if this is everyone's experience but I believe that after a while sobriety becomes a habit in a way that addiction was. This is a gross simplification but I believe there's some truth in it. That is to say that while addicted, the thought of giving up alcohol was a genuine deterrent to quitting it, now the the thought of giving up sobriety by drinking and losing all that self-respect, growth and goodwill is a pretty powerful incentive to stay sober. I don't follow a program (I tried but it wasn't for me) but I have stayed sober through rigorous self-honesty, learning to see through my own (alcholisms') bullsh*t and accept the consequences of that first drink. Somehow, it's worked for me. At nearly a year and a half sober, despite sme stubborn flaws, I'm a far more confident, peaceful and hopeful person than I was while drinking and I wouldn't give it up for all the wine in France.
Almost. The intensely dark, circular cravings of early sobriety are pretty much a thing of the past these days but the obsession to drink, well, that's still there. Not so much the "I want a drink now" sort but the "I'm going to drink sooner or later" kind. Even at my most rock-solid joyously grateful sober have I still felt the quiet but insistent sense of inevitabilty that one day, and not too far off, I will drink again. Now, I can see this for what it is; it's my alcoholics voice just keeping that door open, slightly ajar, maintaining that possibility and that delusion that one day I'll be able to enjoy a drink again. Total b*llshit. When I see it, I can know it for what it is and move past it. I have to accept that this is just the symptom of this lifelong condition.
But this feeling manifests itself most powerfully when I make plans and goals for the future. Specifically, since quitting drinking I've been able to save money in a way that I have never been able to before. It's been my desire to go travelling with this money, to have a true adventure of the kind that the poverty of alcoholism had stolen from me before. I've always been drawn by the romantic allure of solo travel, the freedom and the agency. Of course on the few occasions before when I travelled by myself -city escapes usually- I can remember little more than hiding in corners of bars trying to stay invisible, warding off the loneliness while I drank myself to oblivion then staggering through the streets blind drunk like the savage lout tourist my country(UK) is sadly famous for (I'm still not sure Paris is prepared to let me back after last time). But still, while I may daydream about the thrill of seeing places like Rome, Los Angeles, Vienna or Sydney in the more confident skin that sobriety has gifted me with, in my mind my visions always stop abruptly at... the bar. So powerful is this image, this guilty little desire to travel halfway across the world so that no one I know will see me indulge my addiction again that even the most well laid plans that I make for these trips seem little more than a smokescreen for what I know -deep down in my gut- I will really be doing when I get there.
It took me nearly a decade to get free from alcohol. It would be a shame if it were to still stand between me and my goals. So I wonder what any of your feelings on this might be. Any travellers who have managed to sate their wanderlust while staying sober?
Thanks for reading, SR
But I feel I'd like to externalise a few things that are on my mind. Firstly, I would say that my recovery is still fairly strong. I don't know if this is everyone's experience but I believe that after a while sobriety becomes a habit in a way that addiction was. This is a gross simplification but I believe there's some truth in it. That is to say that while addicted, the thought of giving up alcohol was a genuine deterrent to quitting it, now the the thought of giving up sobriety by drinking and losing all that self-respect, growth and goodwill is a pretty powerful incentive to stay sober. I don't follow a program (I tried but it wasn't for me) but I have stayed sober through rigorous self-honesty, learning to see through my own (alcholisms') bullsh*t and accept the consequences of that first drink. Somehow, it's worked for me. At nearly a year and a half sober, despite sme stubborn flaws, I'm a far more confident, peaceful and hopeful person than I was while drinking and I wouldn't give it up for all the wine in France.
Almost. The intensely dark, circular cravings of early sobriety are pretty much a thing of the past these days but the obsession to drink, well, that's still there. Not so much the "I want a drink now" sort but the "I'm going to drink sooner or later" kind. Even at my most rock-solid joyously grateful sober have I still felt the quiet but insistent sense of inevitabilty that one day, and not too far off, I will drink again. Now, I can see this for what it is; it's my alcoholics voice just keeping that door open, slightly ajar, maintaining that possibility and that delusion that one day I'll be able to enjoy a drink again. Total b*llshit. When I see it, I can know it for what it is and move past it. I have to accept that this is just the symptom of this lifelong condition.
But this feeling manifests itself most powerfully when I make plans and goals for the future. Specifically, since quitting drinking I've been able to save money in a way that I have never been able to before. It's been my desire to go travelling with this money, to have a true adventure of the kind that the poverty of alcoholism had stolen from me before. I've always been drawn by the romantic allure of solo travel, the freedom and the agency. Of course on the few occasions before when I travelled by myself -city escapes usually- I can remember little more than hiding in corners of bars trying to stay invisible, warding off the loneliness while I drank myself to oblivion then staggering through the streets blind drunk like the savage lout tourist my country(UK) is sadly famous for (I'm still not sure Paris is prepared to let me back after last time). But still, while I may daydream about the thrill of seeing places like Rome, Los Angeles, Vienna or Sydney in the more confident skin that sobriety has gifted me with, in my mind my visions always stop abruptly at... the bar. So powerful is this image, this guilty little desire to travel halfway across the world so that no one I know will see me indulge my addiction again that even the most well laid plans that I make for these trips seem little more than a smokescreen for what I know -deep down in my gut- I will really be doing when I get there.
It took me nearly a decade to get free from alcohol. It would be a shame if it were to still stand between me and my goals. So I wonder what any of your feelings on this might be. Any travellers who have managed to sate their wanderlust while staying sober?
Thanks for reading, SR
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Hello Hudstar! CONGRATS on a year and a half!!
I understand the occasional thought of a drink! I do work a program so I am going to try not to be preachy. I will have two years in march. Sometimes I would actually panic thinking I will NEVER be able to have a drink. Also the thought creeps up that eventually I'll go back to a drink. In my opinion this is the addict in me trying to trick me back, pulling me in to that hell again. For me, I have to be very careful and easy when it comes to dealing with that addict voice. One 24 hr period at a time. When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic. You have a great outlook at being sober now. And it gets better. I also have learned that changing a thought (like someday I'll drink again)is a good thing. If I stay stuck on this it will snowball a little each day untill I am drunk!!
I understand the occasional thought of a drink! I do work a program so I am going to try not to be preachy. I will have two years in march. Sometimes I would actually panic thinking I will NEVER be able to have a drink. Also the thought creeps up that eventually I'll go back to a drink. In my opinion this is the addict in me trying to trick me back, pulling me in to that hell again. For me, I have to be very careful and easy when it comes to dealing with that addict voice. One 24 hr period at a time. When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic. You have a great outlook at being sober now. And it gets better. I also have learned that changing a thought (like someday I'll drink again)is a good thing. If I stay stuck on this it will snowball a little each day untill I am drunk!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
Hi Hudster, Hi Heather,
"When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic."
I like this wise observation. Goes hand in hand with one day at a time and something i have had to grasp fully in the midst of what was and is a "crisis."
Also, consider, there is with agency freedom, right? ...and there is the observation that we all have freedom of choice in all things, but we cannot choose the consequences. Taken to extream, for example, I could choose to drive a forklift through a wall or march down the street with a sign that says "the world will end tomorrow." I could do that, nothing could stop me....consequences would surely follow, of course.
I guess what I'm saying is that recognizing the freedom to do something horriable (driving a forklift through a wall) is not the same as doing it. It is simple recognition of the universe of behaviors we can choose from at any given time. Seeing that its possiable doesn't mean we are destined to take that action.
Of course, if every day upon arriving at work I was fixated on doing such a thing, well, that would not be good!
Don't know if this helps at all; i'm at 21 days today so i can't really add much. I do applaud your new life and the great financial progress you have made. Great Job! I'm sure others like heather will have wiser advice and observations then mine~~~~
all the best buddy~~~!
"When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic."
I like this wise observation. Goes hand in hand with one day at a time and something i have had to grasp fully in the midst of what was and is a "crisis."
Also, consider, there is with agency freedom, right? ...and there is the observation that we all have freedom of choice in all things, but we cannot choose the consequences. Taken to extream, for example, I could choose to drive a forklift through a wall or march down the street with a sign that says "the world will end tomorrow." I could do that, nothing could stop me....consequences would surely follow, of course.
I guess what I'm saying is that recognizing the freedom to do something horriable (driving a forklift through a wall) is not the same as doing it. It is simple recognition of the universe of behaviors we can choose from at any given time. Seeing that its possiable doesn't mean we are destined to take that action.
Of course, if every day upon arriving at work I was fixated on doing such a thing, well, that would not be good!
Don't know if this helps at all; i'm at 21 days today so i can't really add much. I do applaud your new life and the great financial progress you have made. Great Job! I'm sure others like heather will have wiser advice and observations then mine~~~~
all the best buddy~~~!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by scrambled2012 
Hi Hudster, Hi Heather,
"When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic."
I like this wise observation. Goes hand in hand with one day at a time and something i have had to grasp fully in the midst of what was and is a "crisis."
Also, consider, there is with agency freedom, right? ...and there is the observation that we all have freedom of choice in all things, but we cannot choose the consequences. Taken to extream, for example, I could choose to drive a forklift through a wall or march down the street with a sign that says "the world will end tomorrow." I could do that, nothing could stop me....consequences would surely follow, of course.
I guess what I'm saying is that recognizing the freedom to do something horriable (driving a forklift through a wall) is not the same as doing it. It is simple recognition of the universe of behaviors we can choose from at any given time. Seeing that its possiable doesn't mean we are destined to take that action.
Of course, if every day upon arriving at work I was fixated on doing such a thing, well, that would not be good!
Don't know if this helps at all; i'm at 21 days today so i can't really add much. I do applaud your new life and the great financial progress you have made. Great Job! I'm sure others like heather will have wiser advice and observations then mine~~~~
all the best buddy~~~!
"When I think too far into the future it can lead to panic."
I like this wise observation. Goes hand in hand with one day at a time and something i have had to grasp fully in the midst of what was and is a "crisis."
Also, consider, there is with agency freedom, right? ...and there is the observation that we all have freedom of choice in all things, but we cannot choose the consequences. Taken to extream, for example, I could choose to drive a forklift through a wall or march down the street with a sign that says "the world will end tomorrow." I could do that, nothing could stop me....consequences would surely follow, of course.
I guess what I'm saying is that recognizing the freedom to do something horriable (driving a forklift through a wall) is not the same as doing it. It is simple recognition of the universe of behaviors we can choose from at any given time. Seeing that its possiable doesn't mean we are destined to take that action.
Of course, if every day upon arriving at work I was fixated on doing such a thing, well, that would not be good!
Don't know if this helps at all; i'm at 21 days today so i can't really add much. I do applaud your new life and the great financial progress you have made. Great Job! I'm sure others like heather will have wiser advice and observations then mine~~~~
all the best buddy~~~!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Congratulations on your sober time 
I'm not a traveller I'm afraid Hudstar, but I don't think this is really about travel, is it?
I wonder tho why it is you still have the door a little ajar and why you feel it's inevitable you'll drink again?
do you hope drinking again will bring you something you currently lack?
do you miss something about drinking or the drinking life?
do you feel unworthy of sobriety?
I'm not analysing you, just reaching back there into my own psyche-as-was
Maybe if you come to some conclusions of your own, it may help you work out what to do next?
I'm not a traveller I'm afraid Hudstar, but I don't think this is really about travel, is it?
I wonder tho why it is you still have the door a little ajar and why you feel it's inevitable you'll drink again?
do you hope drinking again will bring you something you currently lack?
do you miss something about drinking or the drinking life?
do you feel unworthy of sobriety?
I'm not analysing you, just reaching back there into my own psyche-as-was
Maybe if you come to some conclusions of your own, it may help you work out what to do next?
Not the center of the Universe
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Orchard Lake, Michigan
Posts: 974
I have found that travel does not have to be any different from anything else in recovery. I go on a trip, I take my recovery with me. Whatever I do to ensure and enhance my recovery, I continue to do while I am away from home. This might be easier for those of us in the 12 step tradition because attending meetings in new places can actually be one of the highlights of travel. When I first got sober, I thought my days in Jamaica were over because I had done so much drinking down there. That turned out to be a false assumption and I have had better times on that island sober than I did when breakfast started with a Red Stripe. But... I have a favorite AA meeting in Negril, Jamaica that I never miss when I am down there.
It's your recovery, don't leave home without it?
It's your recovery, don't leave home without it?
SoberOutlook
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 3,089
Great question, Hudstar, and congrats on your sobriety!
I admire you for wanting to grab the brass rings that eluded you during your drinking days. At 6 months, I aspire to that as well. Still clearing the cobwebs now, though.
I have traveled significantly most of my adult life; anywhere from 25 to 65% of my working days. I loved it, right up to the end, 6 yrs ago, when I decided I loved my children and my wife's sanity more.
Anyway, I totally relate to foggy memories of great places due to drunken wanderings, alone, in foreign cities. In fact, it still surprises me that one of my most vivid visual memories was of Amsterdam, where I found coffeehouses a great place to hang. But, like you, my experience was that my times in travel most often led to such places and memories end there. I say fear not that this will be the case. With proper foresight and planning, I confidently feel like you can create new neural pathways in your new travels, and thus create new memories.
Anyway, travel is awesome, and I look forward to it in about 5 yrs when the kids are out of the house.
A few ideas; before you go, get a Birnbaum's or other travel guide, and set a fairly straightforward agenda for your trip. And follow it as closely as you can. If you like to write, journal your experiences. You may even be able to sell them as articles to travel magazines. Seek out AA/NA meetings where you go, and hit them first. You'll make new local friends and get a flavor for local culture that most will not enjoy.
I hope you enjoy yourself.
With regard to the AV? I'm sorry, but I don't believe it ever goes away completely, and when we believe it has, is when we are most in danger of it coming from nowhere and derailing our sobriety. And, I think it's okay that we must remain at least a little cognizant of it's present and the dangers of our past. That said, I also don't think there's anything we can't do or enjoy when sober, other than mind altering substances, such as booze.
I admire you for wanting to grab the brass rings that eluded you during your drinking days. At 6 months, I aspire to that as well. Still clearing the cobwebs now, though.
I have traveled significantly most of my adult life; anywhere from 25 to 65% of my working days. I loved it, right up to the end, 6 yrs ago, when I decided I loved my children and my wife's sanity more.
Anyway, I totally relate to foggy memories of great places due to drunken wanderings, alone, in foreign cities. In fact, it still surprises me that one of my most vivid visual memories was of Amsterdam, where I found coffeehouses a great place to hang. But, like you, my experience was that my times in travel most often led to such places and memories end there. I say fear not that this will be the case. With proper foresight and planning, I confidently feel like you can create new neural pathways in your new travels, and thus create new memories.
Anyway, travel is awesome, and I look forward to it in about 5 yrs when the kids are out of the house.
A few ideas; before you go, get a Birnbaum's or other travel guide, and set a fairly straightforward agenda for your trip. And follow it as closely as you can. If you like to write, journal your experiences. You may even be able to sell them as articles to travel magazines. Seek out AA/NA meetings where you go, and hit them first. You'll make new local friends and get a flavor for local culture that most will not enjoy.
I hope you enjoy yourself.
With regard to the AV? I'm sorry, but I don't believe it ever goes away completely, and when we believe it has, is when we are most in danger of it coming from nowhere and derailing our sobriety. And, I think it's okay that we must remain at least a little cognizant of it's present and the dangers of our past. That said, I also don't think there's anything we can't do or enjoy when sober, other than mind altering substances, such as booze.
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