aware there is no "simple" way
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: San Francisco CA
Posts: 3
aware there is no "simple" way
I'm struggling with sobriety more so these days than ever before. I am fully aware there is no "simple" way to press through the life long challenge of staying clean but none the less I still find myself frustrated and somewhat defeated.
I feel as if until recently I have had a relatively "simple" straightforward sober climb. In the light of this "ease" I now find it particularly unsettling and a difficult navigating in the darkness of temptation and uncertainty.
It's been about two years since I last got high. These days I am tempted by all my old coping mechanisms. Smoking a cigaret, grabbing a quarter and burning in the park, sipping on morphine or stabbing a sharp of heroin into my leg in a hotel bathroom, swallowing some Klonopin or a handful of Vicodin, methadone , ecstasy, muscle relaxers, or all of the above simultaneously. Just to sit there above my body and work on music or write for hours and purge these cancerous loops and dissonant narratives. It all has become appealing again somehow. These desires of deconstruction and loss of control, to no surprise, ride in tandem with a strong desire to die, to be gone, to turn off and be over and done. I am exhausted on the most basic level. On the level of the soul and abstract self. I am unmotivated and underwhelmed. I have achieved the core of my self reformation goals, stabilized my life, but still I am unfulfilled and unrewarded by my own accomplishments. I desire an outlet but know none to pursue nor do I see one to satisfy my seemingly insatiable desires and unrealistic expectations.
I feel as if until recently I have had a relatively "simple" straightforward sober climb. In the light of this "ease" I now find it particularly unsettling and a difficult navigating in the darkness of temptation and uncertainty.
It's been about two years since I last got high. These days I am tempted by all my old coping mechanisms. Smoking a cigaret, grabbing a quarter and burning in the park, sipping on morphine or stabbing a sharp of heroin into my leg in a hotel bathroom, swallowing some Klonopin or a handful of Vicodin, methadone , ecstasy, muscle relaxers, or all of the above simultaneously. Just to sit there above my body and work on music or write for hours and purge these cancerous loops and dissonant narratives. It all has become appealing again somehow. These desires of deconstruction and loss of control, to no surprise, ride in tandem with a strong desire to die, to be gone, to turn off and be over and done. I am exhausted on the most basic level. On the level of the soul and abstract self. I am unmotivated and underwhelmed. I have achieved the core of my self reformation goals, stabilized my life, but still I am unfulfilled and unrewarded by my own accomplishments. I desire an outlet but know none to pursue nor do I see one to satisfy my seemingly insatiable desires and unrealistic expectations.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Northern Virginia
Posts: 449
When I first committed to staying alcohol free some "friends" of mine came back - that would be the call to take "spiritual" trips via LSD - better yet pscilocibin mushrooms - and what was even funnier was a call I got out of the blue asking if I wanted to get high on weed. It was from a source I'd have never expected and the timing was funny.
I left all those aside - with no aid - thinking they were the problem, when I realized alcohol was the main issue I guess subconciously I thought those would be cool too. But I had to revert back to my experience. My experience was that once the despair set in that the bag of weed was gone - I drank more. For a short term in my attempts to prove to others I wasn't an alkie - weed provided a great alternative. Then the bag ran out. The drinking came back, soon I'd be doing both. So going back to any of those old friends almost assured me a return to alcohol. So, no go.
To regain my "lust for life" I had to get free. Free from my fears, resentments, expectations, and selfishness. I've found focusing on living amends to my wife and family to be a great asset to that end. Doing my best to be the best husband, son, and brother has been exciting - and NEW to me. Then my wife presented me with news of children - talk about a new adventure.
I get my Timothy Leary style "trips" via meditation these days, if you want to call it that. While never a creative genius I've found that when I picked up another old trusty friend - my guitar - after years, new stuff is coming out.
Prayer and meditation - allow me to be still and accepting to inspiration.
Good Luck
I left all those aside - with no aid - thinking they were the problem, when I realized alcohol was the main issue I guess subconciously I thought those would be cool too. But I had to revert back to my experience. My experience was that once the despair set in that the bag of weed was gone - I drank more. For a short term in my attempts to prove to others I wasn't an alkie - weed provided a great alternative. Then the bag ran out. The drinking came back, soon I'd be doing both. So going back to any of those old friends almost assured me a return to alcohol. So, no go.
To regain my "lust for life" I had to get free. Free from my fears, resentments, expectations, and selfishness. I've found focusing on living amends to my wife and family to be a great asset to that end. Doing my best to be the best husband, son, and brother has been exciting - and NEW to me. Then my wife presented me with news of children - talk about a new adventure.
I get my Timothy Leary style "trips" via meditation these days, if you want to call it that. While never a creative genius I've found that when I picked up another old trusty friend - my guitar - after years, new stuff is coming out.
Prayer and meditation - allow me to be still and accepting to inspiration.
Good Luck
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome to the forum, Ian!
Your post sounded a little bit like a "dark night of the soul" experience.... I might be wrong, of course. I do think it's part of the human condition, though; we're all looking for inner peace, happiness, unconditional love, etc.... and the world only offers temporary fixes.
Have you ever read The Power of Now (or A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose)? I believe we ask questions when we're getting ready to hear the answers. Perhaps this is one of those time for you.
Whatever you do, don't go back to the old solutions.
Thanks for posting and again, welcome!
Your post sounded a little bit like a "dark night of the soul" experience.... I might be wrong, of course. I do think it's part of the human condition, though; we're all looking for inner peace, happiness, unconditional love, etc.... and the world only offers temporary fixes.
Have you ever read The Power of Now (or A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose)? I believe we ask questions when we're getting ready to hear the answers. Perhaps this is one of those time for you.
Whatever you do, don't go back to the old solutions.
Thanks for posting and again, welcome!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Welcome Ian 
I think a lot of us have found that simply not taking drugs or not drinking will only 'work' up to a certain point.
I'm an alcoholic. For me I needed to do more than just not drink, because I had various and sundry underlying issues that led me to want to escape my life.
How you deal with it is up to you - some find counselling, some find recovery groups, some find meditation or spirituality, or a renewed sense of purpose and vision in life -
but until I dealt with those issues, and stopped wanting to escape my life, I was still at risk regardless of how long it had been since I last got drunk or high IMO...
D
I think a lot of us have found that simply not taking drugs or not drinking will only 'work' up to a certain point.
I'm an alcoholic. For me I needed to do more than just not drink, because I had various and sundry underlying issues that led me to want to escape my life.
How you deal with it is up to you - some find counselling, some find recovery groups, some find meditation or spirituality, or a renewed sense of purpose and vision in life -
but until I dealt with those issues, and stopped wanting to escape my life, I was still at risk regardless of how long it had been since I last got drunk or high IMO...
D
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
I sense the loss of meaning you refer to. It’s a difficult place to be. I occasionally suffer from it myself. Until the past few years its remedy was elusive. For me its origin is a lack of the right sort of connection to others. It’s being wrapped up in what is going on with me. I lose all perspective on reality.
It’s a sort of self-centeredness that I must combat with action. Only one sort action I have found has an impact. It's one that does not have the slightest personnel reward. No ataboy or slap on the back, not even self-congratulation. Not a smile from another or the thought of some future good turn from someone as a return favor.
It takes planning. It has to be done completely anonymously and it needs to be done in the right spirit. It’s an act of compassion for its own sake. It exists through itself. Something that needs to be done. When it is, at least for me, there is a sort of clarity.
It’s a sort of self-centeredness that I must combat with action. Only one sort action I have found has an impact. It's one that does not have the slightest personnel reward. No ataboy or slap on the back, not even self-congratulation. Not a smile from another or the thought of some future good turn from someone as a return favor.
It takes planning. It has to be done completely anonymously and it needs to be done in the right spirit. It’s an act of compassion for its own sake. It exists through itself. Something that needs to be done. When it is, at least for me, there is a sort of clarity.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:aware there is no "simple" way. Hi Ian,
Welcome to “SR”. I understand where you're coming from, my friend. And with good reason. My adult years were filled up with matters complicated by alcohol also -before I finally put a plug in the jug, that is. I'll spare you the details Ian, but I will tell you this; it does get better, we promise.
My suggestion, don't get lassoed anymore by the urge to continue drinking. I suggest to you another alternative: A creative alternative instead, mind you. It was through the creative thought process that I found my true calling in life and I haven’t looked back since, thanks be to God. The only thing standing in the way of success was my vulnerabilities. My life got back on track eventually, but not until I dealt with all those lingering doubts and heavy emotions.
We’re vulnerable Ian and defeatism is a byproduct of our vulnerabilities. We can’t numb how we feel either; it’s instinctual and can unravel from time to time. The best course of action I found in dealing with these design flaws is through creative thought. I use expressiveness and creativity as a means of letting go. They help me unravel from the point of nothingness, while providing me a sense of satisfaction and belonging. Anything that would allow my self esteem to prosper in the creative avenue of collective thought is worth pursuing, at least in my book it is. So here’s my suggestion. Be creative, express yourself with a willingness to be different, and never allow our vulnerabilities the pleasure of uninvited company. It’s only through the creative thought process that we find our true calling in life, and one that will define our future, here and now. That’s how I imagine my life today, and I hope it will for you as well, one day at a time.
~God Bless~
Welcome to “SR”. I understand where you're coming from, my friend. And with good reason. My adult years were filled up with matters complicated by alcohol also -before I finally put a plug in the jug, that is. I'll spare you the details Ian, but I will tell you this; it does get better, we promise.
My suggestion, don't get lassoed anymore by the urge to continue drinking. I suggest to you another alternative: A creative alternative instead, mind you. It was through the creative thought process that I found my true calling in life and I haven’t looked back since, thanks be to God. The only thing standing in the way of success was my vulnerabilities. My life got back on track eventually, but not until I dealt with all those lingering doubts and heavy emotions.
We’re vulnerable Ian and defeatism is a byproduct of our vulnerabilities. We can’t numb how we feel either; it’s instinctual and can unravel from time to time. The best course of action I found in dealing with these design flaws is through creative thought. I use expressiveness and creativity as a means of letting go. They help me unravel from the point of nothingness, while providing me a sense of satisfaction and belonging. Anything that would allow my self esteem to prosper in the creative avenue of collective thought is worth pursuing, at least in my book it is. So here’s my suggestion. Be creative, express yourself with a willingness to be different, and never allow our vulnerabilities the pleasure of uninvited company. It’s only through the creative thought process that we find our true calling in life, and one that will define our future, here and now. That’s how I imagine my life today, and I hope it will for you as well, one day at a time.
~God Bless~
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
The levels of mind expansion one can achieve with chemicals are not normal nor are they sustainable. The cognitive dissonance you feel, the wanting to recapture those feelings will always be in direct conflict with the rational mind that knows what the end result will be. The piper must always be paid and the price tag is much too high.
Growth at all levels of the psyche is an ongoing process not a destination. I think that growth has an ebb and flow all its own. When it seems to recede maybe that's a time to reflect on where we are, what we've accomplished and what comes next. To continue moving forward what needs to be added, what needs to be subtracted? Sometime dropping our expectations will allow the answers to unfold.
Growth at all levels of the psyche is an ongoing process not a destination. I think that growth has an ebb and flow all its own. When it seems to recede maybe that's a time to reflect on where we are, what we've accomplished and what comes next. To continue moving forward what needs to be added, what needs to be subtracted? Sometime dropping our expectations will allow the answers to unfold.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: San Francisco CA
Posts: 3
I wanted to express my appreciation and gratitude for all the thoughtful comments and personal experiences shared. Although the post I left is in regards, specifically, to my emerging/increasing challenge with sobriety, it is also just as acurate to say that it is more about my lifelong/ongoing struggles with mental health issues-anxiety, panic, depression, obsession... Addiction psychology is just one of the flawed/short-sided ways I learned to "manage" these issues. Two peas in a pod- potatoe-pahtahtoe I suppose Thanks again for the compassionate voices of reason.
Thanks again for the compassionate voices of reason.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by Ian 
I wanted to express my appreciation and gratitude for all the thoughtful comments and personal experiences shared. Although the post I left is in regards, specifically, to my emerging/increasing challenge with sobriety, it is also just as acurate to say that it is more about my lifelong/ongoing struggles with mental health issues-anxiety, panic, depression, obsession... Addiction psychology is just one of the flawed/short-sided ways I learned to "manage" these issues. Two peas in a pod- potatoe-pahtahtoe I suppose Thanks again for the compassionate voices of reason.
Thanks again for the compassionate voices of reason.For me, there is a "simple way" called the 12 Steps but because of my disease I analyze them, tear them apart and can't accept them.
The bottom quote in my sig line is why I stayed in AA, it's why I'm here right now.
All the best
Bob R.
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