Tonight...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
Tonight...
So I'm getting ready to go to a family function to celebrate a sibling's accomplishments. I haven't seen my "dad" in over a year.
You see, I was raised by extended relatives. The man that I grew up calling my father isn't actually related to me but he's the only father I've ever known. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Mom and Dad divorced 10 years ago and I don't see him that often. He moved away and due to life circumstances we don't keep in touch as we should. Alcoholism was the determining factor with their divorce and later he ended up marrying someone who is also an alcoholic.
His wife is dying from a disease that was ignored for years, which could have been manageable, but she chose to keep drinking intead, and now wears adult diapers....will probably have to be put in a nursing home soon, as her physical health has taken a drastic and quick decline.
She and Dad are like ticking time bombs of health issues. They have been wasting away for a long time. My sister said that Dad looks even worse than the last time I saw him. I think back and remember him as looking gaunt, frail, with discolored skin and yellowed eyes, with the smell of stale alcohol lingering. I think of his wife, writing down her cell phone number and barely being able to hold a pen because she was shaking like a leaf.
I think to myself how easy it would have been for me to have ended up just like them. I just wish they had chose a different life for themselves. It will be difficult tonight seeing both of them.
They are both in their 50's and could easily pass for 70's. It occurred to me that this could be the last time I them. I've avoided being close to either of them due to my own addiction issues. And in turn, they somewhat seclude themselves due to their addiction to alcohol.
Even though Dad was sent to jail for a felony DUI, divorced by mom, kicked out of their house, lost his job and retirement, and health is failing at a fast rate, I've never once heard him admit that he is an alcoholic, or that he should stop drinking...ever.
He did, however, make it clear that he wouldn't stop drinking. It just dawned on me that he has chose alcohol over his family and life and most likely will not live to meet future grandchildren.
I realized that I was also choosing the bottle over friends and family, being completely selfish and ignoring the fact that I was so self absorbed with alcohol that it was starting to effect every part of my life.
I didn't hit a "rock bottom" to decide to quit. After sitting and thinking about Dad for most of the afternoon, I'm not even sure if I believe in a rock bottom. I almost think that it's something people invision happening, or even hoping that it happens to cause a person to shift away from addiction.
My Dad and his wife are perfect examples that rock bottom will be death.
You see, I was raised by extended relatives. The man that I grew up calling my father isn't actually related to me but he's the only father I've ever known. Just thought I'd clear that up.
Mom and Dad divorced 10 years ago and I don't see him that often. He moved away and due to life circumstances we don't keep in touch as we should. Alcoholism was the determining factor with their divorce and later he ended up marrying someone who is also an alcoholic.
His wife is dying from a disease that was ignored for years, which could have been manageable, but she chose to keep drinking intead, and now wears adult diapers....will probably have to be put in a nursing home soon, as her physical health has taken a drastic and quick decline.
She and Dad are like ticking time bombs of health issues. They have been wasting away for a long time. My sister said that Dad looks even worse than the last time I saw him. I think back and remember him as looking gaunt, frail, with discolored skin and yellowed eyes, with the smell of stale alcohol lingering. I think of his wife, writing down her cell phone number and barely being able to hold a pen because she was shaking like a leaf.
I think to myself how easy it would have been for me to have ended up just like them. I just wish they had chose a different life for themselves. It will be difficult tonight seeing both of them.
They are both in their 50's and could easily pass for 70's. It occurred to me that this could be the last time I them. I've avoided being close to either of them due to my own addiction issues. And in turn, they somewhat seclude themselves due to their addiction to alcohol.
Even though Dad was sent to jail for a felony DUI, divorced by mom, kicked out of their house, lost his job and retirement, and health is failing at a fast rate, I've never once heard him admit that he is an alcoholic, or that he should stop drinking...ever.
He did, however, make it clear that he wouldn't stop drinking. It just dawned on me that he has chose alcohol over his family and life and most likely will not live to meet future grandchildren.
I realized that I was also choosing the bottle over friends and family, being completely selfish and ignoring the fact that I was so self absorbed with alcohol that it was starting to effect every part of my life.
I didn't hit a "rock bottom" to decide to quit. After sitting and thinking about Dad for most of the afternoon, I'm not even sure if I believe in a rock bottom. I almost think that it's something people invision happening, or even hoping that it happens to cause a person to shift away from addiction.
My Dad and his wife are perfect examples that rock bottom will be death.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: North America
Posts: 1,628
Hi Black~~~~
I hope you get through this tough night OK. It sounds like you will. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you have been through...
We can't control others or choose for them, be they friends or family. Each must choose thier own path. It is true that alcohol often comes between relationships. Sometimes that is a deliberate choice, sometimes it's the progression of addiction. One thing is for sure; you have taken the steps required to make your life, and the lives of your decendents, ever better.
Keep your chin up, we are pulling for you~~~!
I hope you get through this tough night OK. It sounds like you will. I'm sorry to hear of all the pain you have been through...
We can't control others or choose for them, be they friends or family. Each must choose thier own path. It is true that alcohol often comes between relationships. Sometimes that is a deliberate choice, sometimes it's the progression of addiction. One thing is for sure; you have taken the steps required to make your life, and the lives of your decendents, ever better.
Keep your chin up, we are pulling for you~~~!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
It's amazing what that **** can do to you.....I chose alcohol over my wife of 17 years...I don't know how she put up with me that long. I guess looking down the barrel of death could have been a bottom for me...I just couldn't do it any more. Good luck tonight...If it gets uncomfortable...Have a way out.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Try your best to enjoy your time blackoutgirl, just be the amazing person that you are who is making positive changes & working toward a better life.
If you are able... give him a hug & tell him you love him (if you have any of those kind of feelings). It sounds like his time may be near & that he has been struggling for a long time.
Take care & let us know how it goes.
Sincerely ~ NB
If you are able... give him a hug & tell him you love him (if you have any of those kind of feelings). It sounds like his time may be near & that he has been struggling for a long time.
Take care & let us know how it goes.
Sincerely ~ NB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: United States
Posts: 184
Thanks everyone
Tonight went well, I suppose. I gave my Dad a tight hug and kiss, told him that I loved him. He used to be a handsome man but now his complexion is ashen. My sister and I noticed that his teeth are beginning to rot. He used to have an energy about him, a spark, a bright healthy white smile, joking and laughing.
All of that is gone now. I didn't hear him laugh once, and that was odd. Dad used to be the one that people were drawn to in a room. He used to have a strong presence about him. Tonight he just looked so tired and weak, and didn't talk much at all.
His wife wasn't there. Apparently, since she is incontinent now, that has made traveling an issue. My sister said that she quit drinking for a short time but that was short lived.
On a lighter note, everyone told me that I looked good and I haven't heard that from them in years. Seriously, years. I know physical appearance isn't everything, but I feel better on the inside, so it's nice to know that I look better on the outside as well.
I realized tonight that my family has always been there for me. I have been the one absent from them. I do need them. When I was drinking, I always wondered why they weren't there, when in fact it was me that wasn't there. I've decided to reach out more this year. Stop being absent and accept my family dynamics for what they are and stop dwelling on what they aren't.
As I mentioned earlier, alcohol made me a selfish person. I'm going to hang up this way of thinking and become more involved in their lives. It shouldn't always be about me.
As a snake sheds it's skin, I feel like I am also shedding a dead layer...years worth of pain, regret, sadness, selfishness, and anger.
I have to make this life right. Looking at my Dad tonight made my heart hurt. I had to look away several times. Memories of when we were young kept flashing through my brain like a slideshow, all the great times we had with him.
I'd much rather remember those things anyway.
Tonight went well, I suppose. I gave my Dad a tight hug and kiss, told him that I loved him. He used to be a handsome man but now his complexion is ashen. My sister and I noticed that his teeth are beginning to rot. He used to have an energy about him, a spark, a bright healthy white smile, joking and laughing. All of that is gone now. I didn't hear him laugh once, and that was odd. Dad used to be the one that people were drawn to in a room. He used to have a strong presence about him. Tonight he just looked so tired and weak, and didn't talk much at all.
His wife wasn't there. Apparently, since she is incontinent now, that has made traveling an issue. My sister said that she quit drinking for a short time but that was short lived.
On a lighter note, everyone told me that I looked good and I haven't heard that from them in years. Seriously, years. I know physical appearance isn't everything, but I feel better on the inside, so it's nice to know that I look better on the outside as well.
I realized tonight that my family has always been there for me. I have been the one absent from them. I do need them. When I was drinking, I always wondered why they weren't there, when in fact it was me that wasn't there. I've decided to reach out more this year. Stop being absent and accept my family dynamics for what they are and stop dwelling on what they aren't.
As I mentioned earlier, alcohol made me a selfish person. I'm going to hang up this way of thinking and become more involved in their lives. It shouldn't always be about me.
As a snake sheds it's skin, I feel like I am also shedding a dead layer...years worth of pain, regret, sadness, selfishness, and anger.
I have to make this life right. Looking at my Dad tonight made my heart hurt. I had to look away several times. Memories of when we were young kept flashing through my brain like a slideshow, all the great times we had with him.
I'd much rather remember those things anyway.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Thank you for sharing your journey...... I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, but so glad that you're breaking the cycle in your own life. Prayers going out to your family...... (and bless you for getting sober - keep up the good work!!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Wow blackoutgirl, You are like a flower blossoming. so much much growth, kindness & understanding in your post. I know your get together wasnt exactly as you would have liked but you made the best of it.
Keep up the awesome work, you are an inspiration
Cheers ~ NB
Keep up the awesome work, you are an inspiration
Cheers ~ NB
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Wappingers Falls, NY
Posts: 618
Re:Tonight
Originally Posted by artsoul 
Thank you for sharing your journey...... I'm so sorry to hear about your parents, but so glad that you're breaking the cycle in your own life. Prayers going out to your family...... (and bless you for getting sober - keep up the good work!!)
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