Coconut61

I have been dealing with a lot of identity issues and tons of anxiety during the past year or so. Though I have been able to put together some sober time, I seem to go back to drinking when the things that are missing in my life (significant other, certainty about the future, etc., etc.) don't improve soon. It got to the point recently where physically I just felt so miserable. I felt bloated constantly, could not even look myself in the mirror, have gained a ton of weight (i am about 30 lbs overweight at the moment), and my digestive system felt like it wasn't even working anymore. I've lost the looks that once gave me so much confidence. On top of that, the alcohol made me terribly anxious on a daily basis - so I was nervous and tense in situations where I needed to be calm...which is almost every situation :-) Feeling ugly, insecure, and anxious all the time was exhausting. Additionally exhausting was the constant terrorizing thoughts of what my lifestyle was doing to my health and what the long-term consequences would be.

Anyways, I stopped three days ago. I guess it has been a little more than 72 hours. The withdrawal was not as bad as other times. I am still tired and achy, but feeling better as time goes by. My liver is swelled up I know because I have back pain and I can feel it in my stomach all swollen. I am hoping with time my good health will return and I will feel 100% better, lose some weight, and start to feel confident again.

I do not want to drink again. I want to live a sober life, find meaning in my career, find love, and be happy. It will just be getting through the initial loneliness of recovery that is going to be hard for me. That and getting to know myself again. Sounds strange, but I have drank for 8 years now to decrease my self-awareness, alter my reality so it could become what I thought I wanted but could not have, and avoid facing my lack of self-esteem. Of course we all know that in the long run alcohol erodes our self esteem by destroying our lives. I am hoping I am stopping for good this time because my most recent alcohol use has put me very close to the line of destroying anything left in my life that is good!

Oh, and yes, I am considering AA. THANKS for letting me share!!

Sapling

It sure can't hurt. Keep an open mind and listen and learn....Best wishes for you. You can change your life. And get help doing it.

dawnrunner

You need a battle plan; not just avoiding alcohol, but adding something into your life and making some changes. AA, SR, AVRT, get some tools.

Also: I found that physical activity really helped. I got more serious about running, and got involved with yoga - great for calming all that anxiety and being able to say you are 'perfect just as you are'.

Best wishes in sobriety and health! You will love how you look in the morning! And that is just the beginning of the great things each sober day will bring.

Keep posting!

Cob

Thanks Cocount for sharing. You know from past experience from what you've written that you can cease the use of alcohol (w/o someone telling you when what where and how to do it). You've basically said that you've managed to survive for 8 years while being under the influence but not without the consequences that are inevitably going to coincide with the abusive consumption of alcohol (understanding how the swelling of the liver results in back pain etc...). I personally chose to go into a rehab for my first 21 days of not drinking because of the condition I had put myself in from drinking. I don't suggest that everyone should do that because everyone has their own station in life to figure out what is best for them. I know however that it took some time for the fog to clear and that being after the cessation of use. If you do choose to seek out AA as a resource I encourage you to always keep in mind that ultimately the decision to remain drink free is yours and only yours. Sometimes when we are in emotional turmoil we can make decisions that adversely affect our futures negatively. With that being understood please consider bouncing any ideas especially of a suggestive nature you receive from others in their quest to "help" you "trudge the road of happy destiny" off of someone that isn't a professed alcoholic. So much good advice comes from those that don't suffer from the malady. So often it has saved me a world of hurt to get the slant from someone who doesn’t profess to come from a similar background of substance abuse. Please don’t misunderstand what I’m sharing. Often when faced with a choice to follow a proscribed path because of another’s personal testimony we expect the same result as the one who swears that their method is the bestest greatest stuff in the whole wide world. Sadly the days of snake oil remedies are still being promoted and passed on as the “sure fire” way to overcome that “gout”, or overcome this, that or the other. Why, you may ask them are they so sure that this method will work for you…because it worked for them. You may even hear that it works if you work it…you sure bet that something is working if you work it. I know you can stay away from alcohol if you choose to do it. I know that I could pick up a drink today…I don’t want to at this point in my life…I honestly hope I never drink again…but I know that the possibility is there. The thing I do know is that I did not drink for this past two years because of only one thing…I made the choice not to drink. Nothing will ever keep you sober or make you not drink other than your own choice. Reading over and over again never kept a drink out of my hand. Going to a place over and over again and talking to others never stopped me from drinking. I can’t count the number of times I went to these public forums after drinking. Or how many times I drank right after going to these meetings. The only way I’ve ever been able to stay sober is by making the continued choice to “not drink”. And you know what…I personally believe that “YOU” can make that same choice and you too will end up with the same result in as little time. Good choice making to you CoCo…

Cob

Praise7

Congratulations on you 3 days. That is huge.

I can relate to the lost looks, swelling and miserable. I had to go into treatment. I was coerced in Sept, stayed 46 days then relapsed 6 days from release. I called again Jan 2 and begged them to take me back in. I was in Jan 3, which is unheard of. There is usually a 2 month wait. God knew I wasn't going to make it. Anyway, I am out again. I have 31 days and I feel strong this time. It was all about willingness and letting God have my spirit.
I go to AA daily. When I was sober for 24 years before it was AA that saved me. I just stopped going to meetings thinking I could do it on my own and well I stopped being sober too.

AA is full of people like us. They know how to live happy prosperous lives.

Your looks will come back, if you stop. Your stomach will settle down, if you stay sober. Insecurity will leave you.

Keep coming back