Help me help my husband
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3
Help me help my husband
I am a non-drinker. My husband has been drinking ALOT for the past two years. He drinks right after work and all during the weekends - but he doesn't know I know ! I have found his stash and have been "monitoring" his drinking for a while - he does not know this. Since November I have confronted him about his drinking and he said he'd stop. He hasn't. He has a heart of gold - and hates liars. He has been lying to me about this. He comes from a big family - and he is the only one who smokes and drinks. I just don't get it. What can I do - to help him? Or to have him see he has a problem?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3
What do you think of an intervention? Not like the ones on TV with the cameras rolling....I have only confided to one person about my fear - and that is a relative that lives several states away. My husband has alot of family (brothers, etc) local - including his mother. I have sat him down twice only for him to say he'd stop. What if his family - in a gentle way - did the same thing? Maybe he'd listen to them? He isn't a raging drunk - I am not afraid of angry outbursts, etc. - but since he still is secretly drinking and hiding his bottles...there's a problem. I want to grow old with him - but NOT with an alcoholic. I know it will just get worse over time if it doesn't get addressed now. Thank you for any answers you can provide.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1,180
Originally Posted by Puzzledwife 
What do you think of an intervention? Not like the ones on TV with the cameras rolling....I have only confided to one person about my fear - and that is a relative that lives several states away. My husband has alot of family (brothers, etc) local - including his mother. I have sat him down twice only for him to say he'd stop. What if his family - in a gentle way - did the same thing? Maybe he'd listen to them? He isn't a raging drunk - I am not afraid of angry outbursts, etc. - but since he still is secretly drinking and hiding his bottles...there's a problem. I want to grow old with him - but NOT with an alcoholic. I know it will just get worse over time if it doesn't get addressed now. Thank you for any answers you can provide.
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
PuzzledWife, an intervention at this point would not help, I think. If your husband has moved his drinking out of your sight (as I did from my wife) then he knows there is a problem already. Your husband will need to some day decide that he no longer will accept the alcohol and what it does to him. Then, he will need your support.
As for now, if you can do this, you might gently tell him that you are concerned about what alcohol is doing for him. See if you can make this about what he is doing, rather than who he is. I don't know how my wife did it for so long, but she did, and I respect her for that. Good Luck.
As for now, if you can do this, you might gently tell him that you are concerned about what alcohol is doing for him. See if you can make this about what he is doing, rather than who he is. I don't know how my wife did it for so long, but she did, and I respect her for that. Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Orlando Florida
Posts: 100
My wife had brought it up to me on a couple of different occasions and I pushed back. Even though she did it nicely and w/ love. I know I wouldn't of handled a third party being involved very well. I think bringing it up, and making it about him and your relationship will eventually help. It woke me up
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,928
Until he comes to the realization that he wants to quit and can't there is nothing anyone can do. You need to take care of yourself. As an alcoholic I go to AA and not Al-Anon but I've heard that Al0-Anon is very helpful to those close to an alcoholic. It sure helped my wife.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
In order to avoid feeling guilty later, don't enable him.
I mean, don't pretend he's sober when he's drunk; don't apologize for him or make excuses, don't help hide it, don't ever ever serve him booze, etc.
And I second the Al-Anon advice. My ex-husband went when I was first going to AA, and although he went overboard with it and became an overnight addiction expert & guru
, he did find the meetings enjoyable and beneficial. Having some people to talk to who are similarly situated always helps.
I mean, don't pretend he's sober when he's drunk; don't apologize for him or make excuses, don't help hide it, don't ever ever serve him booze, etc.
And I second the Al-Anon advice. My ex-husband went when I was first going to AA, and although he went overboard with it and became an overnight addiction expert & guru
, he did find the meetings enjoyable and beneficial. Having some people to talk to who are similarly situated always helps.
My brain is trying to kill me
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Palo Alto, ca
Posts: 401
My name's Breath, and I'm an alcoholic. Step one of the 12 steps of AA "Admitted we are powerless over Alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable" until he can do that, I'm not sure what can be done. Alcoholism is the only disease that can only be self diagnosed; and most of the treatment is up to us as well.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
My wife asked me nicely to stop. She asked me angrily to stop. She got involved. She got out of the way. The only person who could make me stop was me. I think it is important to keep reinforcing the fact that you are not happy with him and let him figure out that you know the truth about his secret. However, he needs to figure out what is more important in life and how to deal with what he is trying to run away from in his head first. At times, things got worse for me cause I chose alcohol over my family. I had to bounce off the bottom before I could see how far down I got.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hello Puzzled, welcome to SR.
Here's a great place to start:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are many there who care & understand that are willing to share what works for them. My first posts like yours- were directed into the users' forums and I found their responses to be extremely helpful. In fact- those responses helped save my own sanity.
Once I learned about my role in this disease I found that I needed to learn from others more like myself- to find what worked for them and learn to adapt my own behavior in positive ways.
I wish you all the best and hope you will stop by the Friends & Family sections of SR. Once you get there- take a look at the Stickies and you will see just how much help is to be found.
Here's a great place to start:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There are many there who care & understand that are willing to share what works for them. My first posts like yours- were directed into the users' forums and I found their responses to be extremely helpful. In fact- those responses helped save my own sanity.
Once I learned about my role in this disease I found that I needed to learn from others more like myself- to find what worked for them and learn to adapt my own behavior in positive ways.
I wish you all the best and hope you will stop by the Friends & Family sections of SR. Once you get there- take a look at the Stickies and you will see just how much help is to be found.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Hi PuzzledWife
I'm really sorry for your situation, but you've found a great community here.
I think it takes a special understanding to really know what the spouse of loved one of an alcoholic or addict goes through.
Like cmc, I also recommend you check out our FF forums. You'll find a lot of people there who have experience in exactly what you're going through, and great advice for what you can do for yourself
D
I'm really sorry for your situation, but you've found a great community here.
I think it takes a special understanding to really know what the spouse of loved one of an alcoholic or addict goes through.
Like cmc, I also recommend you check out our FF forums. You'll find a lot of people there who have experience in exactly what you're going through, and great advice for what you can do for yourself
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Indiana
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by dawnrunner
In order to avoid feeling guilty later, don't enable him.
I mean, don't pretend he's sober when he's drunk; don't apologize for him or make excuses, don't help hide it, don't ever ever serve him booze, etc.
And I second the Al-Anon advice. My ex-husband went when I was first going to AA, and although he went overboard with it and became an overnight addiction expert & guru, he did find the meetings enjoyable and beneficial. Having some people to talk to who are similarly situated always helps.
I mean, don't pretend he's sober when he's drunk; don't apologize for him or make excuses, don't help hide it, don't ever ever serve him booze, etc.
And I second the Al-Anon advice. My ex-husband went when I was first going to AA, and although he went overboard with it and became an overnight addiction expert & guru
, he did find the meetings enjoyable and beneficial. Having some people to talk to who are similarly situated always helps.Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Most of us were "functioning" while drinking at some point but as the disease progresses that goes away.
Please look into Alanon in your area. It could help you tremendously and may be help you with the decision about the intervention. I have no experience with that really. If you go to some Alanon meetings, no doubt you'll meet some people who have first hand knowledge of that.
For the most part, an alcoholic has to decide on their own they want/need to quit drinking. With that said, I'm sure there have been interventions that have been successful.
The deal is ...... you're making yourself sick with stress and worry and monitoring and more than likely, you're ignoring yourself and your needs. Alanon can help you with that.
Please look into Alanon in your area. It could help you tremendously and may be help you with the decision about the intervention. I have no experience with that really. If you go to some Alanon meetings, no doubt you'll meet some people who have first hand knowledge of that.
For the most part, an alcoholic has to decide on their own they want/need to quit drinking. With that said, I'm sure there have been interventions that have been successful.
The deal is ...... you're making yourself sick with stress and worry and monitoring and more than likely, you're ignoring yourself and your needs. Alanon can help you with that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 645
Your monitoring his drinking is not stopping him from drinking. Your searching for his stash is not stopping him from hiding his bottles. Your planning ways to try and get him to understand he has a problem is not stopping him from drinking. Your wondering and questioning and obsessing is not stopping him from drinking. Your conversations with him expressing your concerns about his drinking are not stopping him from drinking.
What all these things are doing is causing you stress and worry and causing you to shift your focus from taking care of yourself to trying to control him. He is simply becoming craftier and more careful and finding other ways to hide his drinking from you. Someone who has a problem with alcohol is not going to believe that he or she has a problem with alcohol until that person comes to that realization him or herself.
What you can do: detach with love, set appropriate boundaries, refuse to enable him, seek help for yourself and get healthy yourself, read all you can about alcoholism so that you understand what you are dealing with. Al-Anon is a great starting place as is the Friends and Families Forum on Sober Recovery. Under the Influence and Beyond the Influence are great books.
We can tell you that you can't stop him from drinking -- that no one can. Others who have lived with an alcoholic can share their experience as well. But I suspect that you won't believe us until you have tried all sorts of sundry ways to get him to stop and find that none of these things work. If you think involving his family and/or staging an intervention will help, then do it. Just don't be disappointed at the outcome/ the results.
What all these things are doing is causing you stress and worry and causing you to shift your focus from taking care of yourself to trying to control him. He is simply becoming craftier and more careful and finding other ways to hide his drinking from you. Someone who has a problem with alcohol is not going to believe that he or she has a problem with alcohol until that person comes to that realization him or herself.
What you can do: detach with love, set appropriate boundaries, refuse to enable him, seek help for yourself and get healthy yourself, read all you can about alcoholism so that you understand what you are dealing with. Al-Anon is a great starting place as is the Friends and Families Forum on Sober Recovery. Under the Influence and Beyond the Influence are great books.
We can tell you that you can't stop him from drinking -- that no one can. Others who have lived with an alcoholic can share their experience as well. But I suspect that you won't believe us until you have tried all sorts of sundry ways to get him to stop and find that none of these things work. If you think involving his family and/or staging an intervention will help, then do it. Just don't be disappointed at the outcome/ the results.
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