Justfor1

Having been trying to get sober for nearly a decade and being "in and out" of AA I know when I'm on a relapse path. I have been getting very agitated, can't sleep and thinking very dark thoughts.
I have also been getting thoughts once in a while of going on a 1-2 bender. I have been saving a bit of money probably for this purpose. I'm trying to do the right think and hitting a AA meeting every daily instead of hitting the bottle of cheap vodka that will lead to drugs. That, in turn, will lead me to either the hospital or jail. I see my doctor in a week or so & will have to tell her about the depression issues I am having. Being sober doesn't really help my mental health issues that much & it gets extremely frustrating. I think I have damaged my central nervous system due to the heavy alcohol/drug use. Oh well, I'm sober today.

sugarbear1

try working the steps

stay stopped! you don't have to relapse!

Justfor1

What if I told you I have worked the steps with a 10 sober sponser yet still drank? I have done everything I was told to do in AA and my 7+ treatment centers yet still drank. Although a few treatments centers I attended, I admit, I was their "just for the courts". At this point in my life I am convinced that I have to work on the mental health issues I have in order to achieve long term sobriety. Lots of people state that their depression, anxiety & mood swings lift when they get sober. Mine doesn't and it is very frustrating. I attend AA (have a sponser) and like it but, for me, it is just a piece to the large puzzle, that is, my life.

BackToSquareOne

Justfor1, the damage to the nervous system is very real, it's caused by repeated withdrawal/recover cycles and referred to as kindling here's the paper on it if you haven't read it yet : http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publicatio...22-1/25-34.pdf. Don't know how many of those you've been through but I'm sure you're aware that they get worse as time goes on.

I used an approach very similar to rational recovery, maybe read about AVRT under the secular section and see if you think that might help. Remember though that the thoughts are just thoughts you don't have to act on them.

The mental health issues have to be treated, there's really no way around that. I hope you find a good Doctor/Therapist who understands that.

Charon

When I went to rehab it was at Brattleboro Retreat specifically for that reason. They are committed to dealing with both the substance issues and the mental/emotional issues. BOTH need to be addressed at the same time. It just doesn't seem to work otherwise - neither for me nor the others I met at Brat.

2granddaughters

You may be involved in AA but not committed .... the difference being
In a bacon & egg breakfast, the chicken is involved and the pig is committed.

A friend on another forum has in his sig:
The difference between a problem drinker and an Alcoholic is that:
A) When the alcohol is taken away from the problem drinker, the problem goes away.
B) When the alcohol is taken away from the Alcoholic, the problem begins.

Wishing you the best in your recovery.
Bob R.

Boleo

I don't know as I ever planned to relapse. For me it was more like I needed an occasional vacation from the stress of everyday life.

It was not until I found that I could get a similar release from stress through prayer, meditation and service to others, that I began to feel like every day could be stress-free without drugs or alcohol.

Impurrfect

(((Justfor1))) - I'm really glad you came here and posted about this. Most of us (read - me) never reached out when I was struggling. I'm also glad you're going to meetings and going to see your doctor.

You are sober today, you are reaching out, and you're going to meetings instead of a liquor store. Some people need anti-d's or other mental health meds in recovery. I know some will disagree with me, but personally, that's between me and my doctor, who knows every aspect of my addiction.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

miamifella

People often say (as was said here) that if you relapsed it was because you were not really doing the program or were not really committed. No one else can know that other than you. Such comments come from the anxiety of knowing how easily any one of us can go off the rails--and it is designed to make the speaker feel safe. Do not let those kind of comments sour you on the AA path of recovery, if you find that a 12-step approach does help you.

It does sound though like AA is not enough for you at present. It may always be part of your recovery, or you may walk away from it. However, I suspect you cannot at this point decide. You need to deal with the depression. Then you will be better able to evaluate future recovery plans.

Alcoholism and addiction do not happen in a vacuum. So recovery cannot either. It only works if you are moving toward health in every part of your life.

(Been there!)

Justfor1

Miami, I agree that I think it scares people when I tell them I have (at times) gave 100% effort in sobriety and ended up drunk.
Backtosquare, I have been medically detoxed in a hospital (average 2-4 days) over a dozen times. I was explained that the central nervous is like a rubber band that snaps but eventually can break. The only thing that helps is the benzo type drugs which I only take when the anxiety gets really bad. My psych Dr. knows about my extensive drug history & gives me a very limited supply. It's not the "chicken or egg" thing with me. My mental illness problems came well before the alcohol/drug problems. I'm glad I'm getting this all out though and plan on staying sober. I have around 4 months sober this time but only drank "a handful" of days in 2011. Of course that bender last year lead to a medically detox by the "pros".

Zencat

For me its planning to drink happens just before the relapse. The planning can be as simple as: I'm going to drink now. I can see if I wasn't aware of my intention to drink I would be dumfounded as to why I drank. My recovery program trains me to be aware of whats going on in my head. So when the plan or intention to drink pops into my mind, I can detach from that thinking quickly and turn my thought onto alcohol free living skills.

NYCDoglvr

Have you talked about this in an AA meeting? Do you have a sponsor? It is your choice to drink if this is what you really want.

sickofliquor

yeah, i'm struggling with the whole mental health/ alcoholism "dual diagnosis" as well. i'll admit i've never really "jumped into" aa 100%, and thats because my anxiety keeps holding me back from making connections which is what aa is all about. however, im getting back on my meds and hopefully will soon benefit from meetings. good luck to you. its VERY frustrating!

Dee74

I'm glad you're seeing your Dr, attending AA and staying sober J41

D

BP44

Once I pick up the drink, the relapse is over. Have you gone from the title page to 164 and done everything it asks us to do? Do you have unfinished amends? Have you worked with others? Have you diligently lived the spiritual disciplines of 10 AND 11? I ask you to consider this, because your posts don't reflect someone whose done everything AA asks us to do. Go back and read over your posts. Lots reveal spite, judgement and resentment towards AA and it's members, towards your family, and towards society in general. It is impossible to relate myself rightly to the world and the people about me like that. The whole purpose of the process and what we do is to find and be rid of the things that separate me from God and His kids. How can I possibly love one of Gods kids when I sit in judgement and resentment towards them? It isn't possible for me.

BackToSquareOne

BP44, didn't you just judge Justfor1, wait didn't I just judge you? Wow this non-judgemental stuff is tuff duty.

awuh1

I have real trouble with the people who believe that the 12 steps are the answer to everything. At the same time I’m VERY committed to the AA program. God, however, is NOT going to brush my teeth for me in the morning. There are things I need to do for myself that have nothing to do with the 12 steps. Some of these have to do with health care, and mental health falls into that category. Some people have depression and/or anxiety problems that overwhelm them and make them think that alcohol is the only solution. It is a solution, albeit a very temporary one that typically makes the other problems worse. Just because the 12 steps worked for you does not mean that someone else who did them, and drank, did not do them thoroughly . It could mean they have a problem you don’t understand.

freethinking

This was me (minus the courts part). I FINALLY realized after 17 years of bouncing around in AA that AA was not for me. I found SMART Recovery and Rational Recovery, and have used elements of both to help me stay sober. For me, there is no one magic answer though, and taking care of my mental healthy is now key to me as well.

Justfor1

BP, you just judged me. In all honesty, I work a solid program. I have a sponser and am staying sober despite much upheaval going on in my life right now. I think one of the limitations of "online recovery" is it's hard to get the complete picture of someone.

BP44

Really? Posing considerations, questions to be looked at, is judgmental? And I have never, and never will say that the 12 steps are the answer to all that goes on with us. I have absolutely no qualms with outside help, have never discouraged it, nor would I. To think that I would from this thread is presumptuous at best. Actually, nevermind. Online recovery does have it's limitations. Just disregard.