jc76

I won't bore you with my story. Same as some of you, alcohol drained the bank account, divorce, lost friendships etc. I'm sober thanks to a great doctor and medication and the will not to live like that anymore. So what now? I lost the only woman I had left who loved me, my wife. She's moved on and the fog has cleared and I just keeping asking myself how I can move forward. I don't wanna drink, that's just digging a deeper hole. But I seem to be in limbo. I have 2 great brothers that I'm grateful for, but I cant forgive myself for the hell I put my family through, especially my ex wife. (no children involved) how did some of you get through the guilty feelings? I feel like a monster for the things I have done.

Dee74

Hi jc

I know I had to accept whatever happened happened. You can't go back and undo it - the past is gone.

It's tough to swallow I know - but we need to.

I tried my best to put my energy into today.

I lost two relationships while I was drinking - one I was able to repair and we;re good friends, the other she never wants to speak to me again.

I did move on tho...and I've been with my current partner for around 4 years now. Things have never been better

I wish you the same kind of happiness in your future too

D

Hevyn

You have to get past feeling that way so you can have the new life you've worked for. I grieved over the past for too long. As the fog lifted, the guilt and remorse was unbearable. I tried to tell myself that person - who did all those stupid & dangerous things - was not me. Alcohol changed me into someone I didn't even recognize. The real me deserved a fighting chance to live again.

Hold on to the good things you still have going for you. You have alot of healing to do after all you've been through. Everything will improve - you won't feel this way forever. Sharing here at SR will take some of your anxiety away. We're here to listen and help.

BHF

I was amazed at the level of forgiveness others extended to me after I made an effort to change my actions. Not necessarily after I quit drinking b/c I'd done that before, but once I put myself in treatment, worked my legal issues out and faced the consequences, became active in recovery (AA for me), and started making a concentrated effort to be true to my word and be of assistance to others.
I've never married, but I can say that my immediate family (who I've put through hell, too) has stuck by me, true friends have stuck by me, professional colleagues have expressed support and come back around, the fellowship has been invaluable to me. How did I get through the guilty feelings? I made a genuine effort to stay sober even when I wanted to drink. I refused to create anymore destruction for them to clean up. I tried to help them in some way (housework, yardwork, babysitting) instead of always being the one asking for help. For the most part, I simply tried to exhibit a change in character, which, surpisingly, has proven to be more beneficial to myself than any of them.

jc76

Thank you both:-) so this guilt is normal to have? Because when I was wasted everyday I was numb, learning how to feel again is really beating me down. I'm a grown man crying like a baby out of the blue when I think of how I hurt the woman who tried her best to help me. Just knowing how final it is that I lost my best friend to my own selfishness, the bottle, makes my mentally and physically ill. I know I can't go back, I have to move forward and keep making ME better. It's just so overwhelming and while I'm very good at forgiving others, and even my ex wife has said she forgives me, I still can not yet forgive myself.

Dee74

It was normal for me. I wasn't very good at forgiving myself either, but I think it can get to the point where it's harmful to hang onto old stuff...

I like the idea of living amends - I try to do the best I can these days - somedays I hit the target sometimes not, but we can't do more than aim for the best.

D

Hevyn

Yes, the guilt is normal. Your feelings are raw. We've all been there, and we know just how you're feeling. Let the emotions flow, they've been bottled up too long - but then move on and reach out for the life that's waiting for you. No, it won't be the same life, but it can be just as good - maybe even better. You'll actually be participating in this one.

Music

Two things you can do about guilt. Stop doing what makes you guilty, or learn to live with it. Start going to some AA meetings so you can find out that you're not that good at being that bad. And, there are people at the meetings who can help you to not drink. All you have to do is follow directions.

BackToSquareOne

Jc76, it's not a question of forgiving yourself or not. Acceptance means that you accept the things you can not change, the past is done and you must close out that chapter of your life and move on to the next one. Those feelings are normal and they will fade with time. Letting go and acceptance have their own ebb and flow, it's all part of the grieving process. Try taking a more Que Sera Sera (whatever will be, will be) approach toward the future. Do your best in all your endeavors and remember that all you really have is the present. The future is the next chapter and you're the author so make it a good one.

Sally1009

We have all done awful things when we were drinking. Things that we regret bitterly. But we weren't well. Many people see alcoholism as an illness-certainly AA do. So perhaps if you can tell yourself that, that the sober you i.e the real you, would never want to hurt people, you can let go of that crippling guilt. Well done for staying sober.

Impurrfect

(((jc))) - it was normal for me. I agree with what has been said above...I found tremendous support from the majority of the people I put through hell. The one I haven't, he was an XABF and we were totally dysfunctional, so haven't seen him in years. I did hear from a mutual friend, though that he's "really proud of you and wishes you the best".

I got here by making living amends..I basically give them no reason to doubt I've changed. I consider my addiction years as a chapter in my life that I've closed. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate I have to work my recovery or will go back there, it's just that today, recovery is not a conscious effort..it's just who I am. It took time, but it happens

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NYCDoglvr

The Steps of AA are a huge help in changing ourselves. As the Big Book says, "We alcoholics are mentally ill, selfish and grandiose......" And, if I didn't change I would have picked up a drink long ago.

What helped me when I was new was making a gratitude list. You just listed things you don't have. So, on a piece of paper write down what you do have. Start with your life....

To get self-esteem we have to make exteemable acts.

aasharon90

I wasn't a bad person. Just a sick one during
my drinking. Once I got sober and began living
a life in recovery and worked thru all the things
in life I felt bad for doing, people i've hurt, issues,
then I forgave myself and found that I was worthy
of being loved as well as me giving love and continued
kindness to others.

The longer I remain sober the more joy and happiness
is granted to me.

Sober 21 yrs. of many one days at a time added
together to get me where I am today.

penny74

Guilt fades away with time as well...

freethinking

You're probably not going to understand my answer because it sounds "out there", but I'm going to type it out anyway. When I was at that overwhelming place of regret and shame where I couldn't ever imagine things looking better (even though I was sober), I began reading books on the subjectiveness of reality (like Eckart Tolle, for one). It slapped some sense into me....we get so caught up in our own perceptions of reality that we forget we are just ants on this planet, full of billions and billions of other people with worse problems than us. Not only that, there have been billions who have walked this earth before us and must have also felt extreme emotion and upset in their lives...and yet they are now done and gone. So in some ways, all their emotional upset was for nothing....and maybe so is mine. I still have to remind myself that what goes on in my head is not really reality. I also sort of grabbed onto the mantra that the past and future does not exist, and that all I will ever have is right now.

Lol, so I told you that would make little sense. But I will say this too, I do think if you keep doing what you know is right, things will eventually get better and the universe will put that next special someone in your path. In fact, the quicker you start doing the right thing, I think the quicker it is you are bound to meet that person.

freethinking

Give yourself a break...you come across as very self-aware and humbled already....don't you think if you were truly capable of accepting her help and salvaging your marriage you would have done it? I look back, and although I am a relatively intelligent person and certainly had knowledge a long time ago that I was an alcoholic and had no business drinking, I did it anyway. Would I say this to a family member? No. But to someone like you I can safely say I just didn't get something which I get now. I wasn't there yet.

Zebra1275

The guilt and regrets can be difficult to deal with once we get sober. The AA program has helped me.

FlyerFan

Same here, the twelve steps will help you through all of your feelings one at a time.

RobbyRobot

Yeah, i tried all that-- that the past and the future does not exist -- and all I will ever have is NOW.

It just made me feel unresponsible and unimportant. It made me feel as useless as an ant, which didn't help, lol. Has for what it does for guilt, well, it kinda just erases it, yes? I wonder if that is justice, which for me is the first best choice to deal with guilt, quickly followed with applied forgiveness.

I have no problem with what you shared since it works for you, I can see that your happy enough with it, freethinking.

I guess i just don't agree that hurting people should get all cozy with doing the ant thing. Seems to be a raw deal going that way with guilt or any other "bad feeling."

Nothing wrong with facing our guilt and working through it has been working for me. Work through it, change what can be best changed, move on. Wake up to a better day.