blackoutgirl

Hello everyone!! I've been sober for a month and nine days. I haven't had anything to write about lately but have continued to visit the forum every day.

I was wondering if anyone started to have relationship problems after they became sober? I love my boyfriend/fiance very much. But I feel that looking at him with sober eyes is completely different than how I viewed him before.

In so many ways, I feel that I've let him get away with being a jerk while I was drinking. I just tolerated his BS and found comfort in drinking more to ignore my problems.

He has never been physical with me at all, but crosses the line sometimes with my emotions.

I've blown up at least twice in the last month and told him to pack his **** and leave. At first I thought that I was just emotional from lingering withdrawals and never followed through. Now I'm starting to think otherwise.

I do care about myself dammit, and if that means being alone, well, then so be it. I still have my animals to keep me company. I have approached the issue of respect and equality with him.

I think he finally understands that if things don't change, he will have to leave. He used to blame my emotional state on drinking. Now he can't blame it on anything....except himself.

I wish I would have quit drinking years ago. If this relationship fails I will be single at 32 and back to the dreaded dating pool.

I feel that since I've quit drinking, I have more self respect. In fact, I thought that when I quit drinking, my boyfriend would respect me more. It's almost been the opposite of what I expected.

So here is my question....has anyone else felt as if they "woke up" after becoming sober and started questioning your relationship, or, looked at the person you were with and felt like you didn't even know them??

Thanks in advance for all replies.

FindingJoy

IMHO your boyfriend has lots of anger and resentment about your addiction and it seems like you have resentment about somethings with him.
It help to take a step back and put yourself in his shoes as best as you can.

Ranger

<waving hand> Oooh, ooh...pick me, pick me!

Absolutely, BOG. For that matter, I felt like I didn't even know me, much less my wife. Becoming sober exposed the lack of depth in our relationship. By perhaps dumb luck, I managed to marry a wonderful woman of integrity despite my drunkenness. A lot of folks aren't so fortunate and "wake up" to find a partner they'd never, ever chose to be with sober.

Josiegirl

I haven't been in your situation. I am 34 days sober and single.

Have you considered couples counselling? It might be worth a shot since it seems like you have been with your bf for a while. Even if it doesn't work out between the both of you, at least you gave it a 100% shot.

Dee74

Early recovery is a rollercoaster - we have to get to re-know ourselves and other people.
It's probably even harder for partners.

Of course you know the situation best, but unless it's really urgent you make changes now, I usually advise ppl to sit with things a while - it's often the best idea to wait to see who sober us is before we start making big changes

D

neferkamichael

Congratulations on your sober time. Good that you care about yourself, you cant be good to someone else if you are not good to yourself first. He could possibly be jealous that you can quit. 32, you're still a youngster. I'm a 1 year 6 months sober and have been alone the entire time and I rather enjoy it. One thing I have learned is that I won't be able to get involved with a women who drinks, I doubt I'd stay sober if I did. Take care of "you" first and you''ll be fine.

instant

It's a completely new way of being. I found that my emotions were quite unstable for six or 7 months, and I was prone to unpredictable outbursts. relationships are difficult, and I am not an expert so I end there.

Elisabeth888

Hey Blackoutgirl! Congratulations on your sobriety!

This is such a huge issue for me. Most of it is me and my emotions though. They change every day!! One day I think he is a jerk, the next day he hung the moon, and the next I remember all of the stuff I put him through.

My advice is to hang tight. We are going to do a lot of growing up and how we feel now may not be how we feel in say, six months or a year.

Try to communicate as much as you can and share your feelings with each other.

Good luck and keep us updated.

MustStop

My break up was the message to me that it was time to stop drinking and sober up. For the first 3-4 days I was all over the map with emotions but now on day 7 its becoming more and more clear that there never really was a true relationship there at all. I am almost certain I never even loved her. In the beginning I was going to chase her and get her back, now, not a chance. That was the product of being drunk, cloudy headed and hungover for 12 years. I am a different person now and still evolving as I rack up sober weeks and months.

So I'll be 31 and back in the much hated dating pool... UGHHHH! Not until I have 2-3 months sobriety under my belt though.

If you two have been together for years and love each other, its probably worth trying to work through it. Like previously said, communicate! communicate! communicate!!!! Communicate like you never have before, let it all out. Dont fight, just pour it all out.

Music

Anything, including a relationship that you put in front of your getting sober you'll lose. I'd been married for 15 years and there were no guarantees. Concentrate on yourself and what you need to do to stay sober. If it means being single, sobeit! However, the last thing you should do is get out of one and jump right into another. Batteries and the Serenity Prayer will do until God fixes you up with someone else. Who cares who's at fault here. Stop playing the blame game. A lot of relationships go south when a person quits drinking. We tend to look at things through different eyes. See what you see and don't get sucked into an emotional battle.

gaffo

I woke up and have started questioning everything. Sobriety is an eye opener for sure.

ForeverDecember

I found this to a very small degree. Luckily I have a great partner who is incredibly supportive, but I have noticed a few times that he's done something that I would usually forgive because "he puts up with my drinking".

Overall I've found the opposite though. Now I am sober I have a lot more respect for him... it's very strange. I guess the whole time I was drinking I didn't think much of myself, so there was a part of me (and I feel awful for admitting it) that held him with some level of contempt for putting up with a drunk. It's completely hypocritical I know, but I'd never have put up with me the way he did...

Since quitting we get along well, see each other more. I find myself spontaneously thinking about how great a person he really is, and how I can't imagine how anyone would want to be 'casual' when you can have this sort of closeness with another person.

He made me breakfast in bed today for no real reason What a sweetie.

MsJax

Blackout girl, way to go with your sobriety In my sobriety of just over 10 months I have found I question everything. I love the clarity that comes with being sober. Maybe it is because I am getting older but I am getting better at doing what I really want & speaking up for me. Maybe that's what is going on with you. We only get this one life & time slips by so quickly. Our time here is too short to "settle". I had been settling I found & I recently cut off a relationship of about 2 years. It was hard & I hated hurting this person so much but it is my life. Be true to you. Best wishes to you in your continued sobriety & thank you for your update

2granddaughters

I was told in recovery not to make any serious decisions for a year (don't quit job, don't leave wife etc) because we aren't capable of making good decisions.
You will go through some wild mood swings and perception changes, we all do.

Ask your sponsor about your perceptions, the oldtimers who know your situation will be able to help you.

Wishing you the best in your recovery.

Bob R.

blackoutgirl

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies I agree that I should take things more slowly instead of feeling the urgency to "fix" everything right now. Communicating is a good start and I'll go from there. You guys are right.

It would be impossible to make everything right in one day, or with one single decision. I am still learning about the sober me daily and it will take some time to get myself back together after a decade of being a drunk.

Your replies have made me think of this in a more positive way.

jimihendrix

I'm lucky in that my wife has been incredibly loving, supportive, and trusting throughout the entire process. Our relationship has grown stronger.

Even though our situation is different, these observations may be helpful:


1. Give him a short "update" each couple of weeks on your recovery. He's thinking about how you're doing, even if he doesn't say it. Just reassure him that things are okay. Not a long detailed accounting (if he's not an alcoholic, he won't understand, so there's no point).

2. Ask him how he feels about your recovery. This affects him too. Give him an opening to tell you how he's doing. He may some things that are painful, but you need to hear them. In your alcoholism, you've probably done some things that hurt him directly or indirectly, and he has the right to tell you (and you owe it to him to really listen).

3. The "nuclear threat" no longer exists. This means that you now have the freedom to express and enforce your boundaries without the fear of him leaving (or threatening to leave) because of your drinking. You can be honest about your relationship.

Best of luck.

TheJungianThing

When I first began AA my wife was pretty much on her way out the door. I figured I had lost her for good anyway. One of the hopeful signs that she was planning on sticking around was when she asked me about AA's infamous "13th Step", I have no clue how she knew about it - I had only just figured out what people were talking about shortly before her and I'd been going to AA for months.

But apparently there are two kinds of alcoholics men and women. Plus having people sent to AA by the courts, lawyers, rehabs, etc.. we get a lot of people. As my sponsor says "You can get anything you want at AA, including sober".

Anyway so it told me my wife concerned I might find someone new. Fast forward a month or two later when I'm talking to my new AA sponsor he told me about the deal with single folks and it isn't suggested they get in a relationship for a full year ... BUT ... for married dudes it's suggested that they not leave their wives for as long as the wife stayed with them while drinking. If the wife left, it was to be none of my business. But I wasn't to go trying to help females in the program for - in my case - 7 years.

It was a roller coaster. My wife put up with a lot in sobriety - I did too - but inventory helped me sort out where I was at fault and where she was at fault I could easily be tolerant. Anyway, by the time year 7 rolled around and I was "eligible" according to my sponsors suggestion. Leaving her was the last thing in the world I wanted to do. We're having an affair with each other - STILL - at year 16 of our marriage. Our midlife crisis consists of brand new 4 year old son and 1.5 year old twin girls.

I"m so happy I didn't let my eyes and delusions deceive me into playing the AA dating game. She confided in me that early on, that was one of her fears.


Maybe your boyfriend is feeling some fear. A lot of dudes attitudes about AA while they're not in AA is that it's a great place to score women.

awuh1

I agree that people, particularly in early sobriety, need to very carefully think through the decision about what to do with relationship problems. Over and over, however, I have noticed that the relationships that do not last are often the ones where the non alcoholic partner used the others drinking as a means of gaining control. This was sometimes done through guilt trips ("remember what you did when you were drunk") and sometimes as a reward ("allowing" drinking or looking the other way as a sort of reward). A non alcoholic partner who has excessive needs for control sometimes cannot handle what seems to be the loss of it.