happyplace

Putting this out is therapy for me. Thanks for reading, and I welcome any and all responses.
I am an alcoholic. I haven't drank alcohol in seven to eight months. I used to do Smart Recovery, but I drifted away. I plan to go back. And also to go to an AA meeting and give that more of a chance.

I recently got dumped by a girl. She's crazy--not for dumping me--but in the diagnosed borderline sense, very erratic. I was using her like a drug. The physical aspect of the relationship was utterly intoxicating. I also got into smoking weed for a few weeks when I was with her, but I stopped doing that.

I am depressed and alone. Nothing feels good. Life has no zest. I go to work, I work out, I run, and I come home to a lonely place. I remember with some fondness the grandiose and sentimental times induced by those magnums of red wine. I miss the release, the escape from the normal pain of life.

Why do some people--why do I--always need to hide in a thrill? Some drug, in whatever form that takes?

Has anyone ever felt like me and had it get better?

HP

DayTrader

AA will have some very definite thoughts on the subject of "why." I can't say for sure but I'd wonder if their ideas on the subject would run in contrast to those of RR. Perhaps someone with more experience in RR could comment.

kanamit

If you're pining for alcohol try reading the Allen Carr book. It really changes your perspective and makes you feel positive about a life without drink.

neferkamichael

I miss the release, the escape from the normal pain of life.

The release for me became more painful than the normal pain of life. I'm 1 year 6 months sober, anxious, depressed, lethargic, but not as much as when I was using.

Boleo

The first month I spent as an OTR Truck driver was like a living hell. If I had had health insurance, I would have went to a shrink and told him I was depressed every day all day long and needed a mountain of meds to deal with it.

Thank God I had no insurance to send me on a wild goose-chase. Turns out what I had was deep despair caused by the terror, frustration, bewilderment and despair of having a truly dismal job and life-style (4 horsemen of the apocalypse syndrome).

The only tools I had to use were spiritual principles to deal with the situation. I was in a sink or swim situation and I was fortunate enough to have some experience with twelve step principles as a foundation to start with. I was forced to learn how to use prayer and meditation to obtain equanimity.

What I ended up learning was that both happiness and misery are an inside job. What the Buddha meant by "Each is his own master" was that we can master our internal environment simply by practicing good Darmha.

awuh1

I think that often the “pull” from alcohol is strong because it helps improve some other undesirable problem (at least for a time). This “other problem”, like anxiety or depression, can be experienced as anything from boredom to panic attacks. Treatment for these conditions helps enormously. But even then, some, find that the core of that problem persists. For them it seems to have something to do with the very nature of things. The search for meaning, in their case, is central to recovery. A “spiritual” (for lack of a better term) answer is the only thing that really gets things into proper alignment on a long term basis. Unfortunately the term “spiritual” evokes a fair amount of prejudice in some and they never get to that long term solution, and my heart goes out to them.

Gertron

I personally think one of the keys to beating addictions is that you have to replace your addiction with other more meaningful activities in life. Some people go to spirituality and others will go to other things.

rws177

I agree that in sobriety having a girlfriend or partner is a great and thrilling thing. In my opinion it is a great "natural high." Iv'e been there before, after a break up it seems like working, working out and everything else just isn't the same because your not coming home to that special someone.

Drinking will not make things any better. You already know that it will just make things worse but it is easy to say screw it and drink. All you can do is push threw the pain right now and know that it won't be like this forever. Someone else will come along, sobriety has to be the number one priority.

Sally1009

So sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds to me like you are suffering from depression, and might benefit from a visit to your doctor. That said, it's understandable you miss your girlfriend, and the exciting times you had with her. That's grief, and will take a while to get over.
Well done on your sobriety. 7 and a half months is awesome.

NYCDoglvr

A broken heart is true agony, I'm so sorry this happened. You're right, it's not good to stay home. And, we do get addicted to people, especially when putting down a substance. It's called "trading up addictions". Some turn to food, others to shopping and people are common. I suggest going to AA and getting a sponsor.

eJoshua

I'm sorry you're going through that. I've dealt with a lot of crazy girls in my time, some genuinely so and others that just acted like it.

IMO, although I can understand the thought of drinking to cope with these feelings, the reality is that if you drink you will only prolong your suffering. Only if you stay sober will you really be able to grieve the end of your relationship and move on. Alcohol has a way of preventing us from growing or healing emotionally. In the long run you are much better off staying sober.

I would let yourself be sad -- there's nothing wrong with that, it's perfectly natural -- but don't allow yourself to feel self pity because that won't lead you anywhere constructive.

BTW, whoever said hindsight is 20-20 is full of crap. I occasionally look back at the times I was in my addictions with fondness as well. It's way too easy to romanticize the past, forgetting all the terrible stuff.

Terminally Unique

SMART: You drink and get high because you have underlying issues, low frustration tolerance, and you engage in awfulizing. If you learn to be more self-accepting, more tolerant of low frustration, work on your underlying issues, and engage in less awfulizing, you won't want to get drunk and high anymore. With luck, you will even be able to drink moderately.

RR: Your excessive drinking/using has given birth to a permanent, ruthless, and perverted survival drive — a biological script error — that wants alcohol/drugs as if life itself depended on it, and you are SOL. You had better knock it off for good and find a way to lock up and dissociate from that perverted survival drive, because nothing will dissuade it from its search for that next fix. Don't even bother trying to reason it away.

Tomsk

You need to get to AA. Dont go to meeting where they share war stories about drink. Go to ones that share about recovery and the positive sides of recovery. Get a sponsor and do the steps. You sound like a dry drunk without a positive vision of the future.

Do you know what you could do now? Right down ten things you are gratefull for.

1) You have a roof over your head.
2) You have internet access which is allowing you to contact with a group of people who you have never met and dont want you drunk and miserable.

You can finish the last 8.

happyplace

Thanks for replying everybody. It was wonderful to read your messages of hope (and a few kicks in the pants). I am depressed. I plan to see my doctor, go back to church, and whatever else I can think of. I was on the edge of lying down in Boston Common yesterday on the way to a meeting. **** feels very difficult these days. Just an ever-present awfulness.

I went to an AA meeting last night. It was horrible, but I know it was just the particular meeting: A bunch of drunk stories from some very self-congratulatory, pretentious people. I have been to good meeting, so I know they exist, so this is not a knock on AA generally. I will get to another, maybe tonight.

I know you are supposed to "feel your pain" to evolve, and I am being a big baby etc., so I'll keep trying while I can to have some fortitude while reaching out for that spiritual help.
Hey thanks again! And keep 'em coming to the extent you want to : )