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One Of Those Days. Some issues last night.

Old 01-25-2012, 02:52 PM
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One Of Those Days. Some issues last night.

So I went to a discussion meeting with my sponsor last night the usual one we go to. Exhausted because I had a crappy 4 hour sleep over night for some reason, I debated about going to the meeting but I remembered the saying of "If you don't feel like going to a meeting then you should really go." So when my sponsor called last night I was so tired he even heard it in my voice of course. And he asked if I just wanted to stay home for the night and I said "no. no. I want to go." So we went. It was a great meeting and I explained how my week was going and how the girl whose in my life now is a great person but I'm still taking things slow as I don't want to reveal my alcoholism to her yet.. I t's too early to get personal.

Anywho. The usual event after our discussion meeting was to go to Tim Hortons for hot chocolate.

My sponsor knowing I have no control over my money what so ever and also knowing the fact I only get gift cards once in awhile to treat myself he says to me "so Chris? Got your tim's card tonight? Your paying this time right?" I told him no I didn't have me card and even if I did there was nothing in it. This was in the washroom after the meeting.

Then he goes on about the 7th tradition with me in the washroom. "Part of the program requires you to contribute and that means coffee treats as well." I told him I was tired and didn't want to talk about it at the time and he raises his voice to me and says "So what I'm hearing from you is either you aren't listening to me or you don't care. You don't start paying for us they'll all think your a cheapskate because you have a job so there's no reason not to pay once in awhile. We don't expect you to open your wallet for us but it's 7th tradition." we headed to Tim Horton's and he tried to talk to me and I kept to myself.

We entered and as soon as everyone was ordering what they wanted I sat down at a chair and then to my disbelief my sponsor asks if I want something and I say "No." and he's like "Come on I'll buy you something." " I said no."

Basically I'm showing to him that if I'm expected to treat for people when I have no cash and given little so I can't buy booze that I just won't accept anymore offers to treat me, I'll sit there and listen to their conversations but no more accepting a treat if I get scolded for not having money to pay this time around.

Then everyone is asking me what the problem is and I said don't worry about it and my sponsor goes ahead and says "He's angry at me because I hurt his feelings lol." He actually laughs and they laugh.

So on the way home he continues to lecture me that he wasn't trying to make me angry/ ( but he sure knows well my position). sure if I had cash and could spend it freely I'd treat. Don't take this the wrong way. Anyways then he tries the "I'm proud of you, you're a different guy for sure" approach. Still didn't make me smile. He knows he made me upset. A little bit now when I remember it, even though it was yesterday we can't erase a single word we said. But still. Him and I have been through this many times and my parents can only do so much for me since I kept drinking.

Anyways thought I'd post this. things may be going great but sometimes there are still hardships to deal with. I'll make amends to him tomorrow at our home group. But thats tomorrow. I'm focused on today. Today was great I'm still happy for everything.
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:07 PM
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Maybe a discussion about the 7th tradition... It's about declining outside contributions not whether you buy the hot chocolate.

Clearly you are very sensitive about this. Of course you are. Sounds like amends need to be made, but on both sides.
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:21 PM
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I feel very confused.

1) Do you have money to pay for your own coffee? Do you usually let others pay for you?

2) What the h*ll does the 7th tradition have to do with coffee after a meeting?

I felt your post was confusing to understand in the way you explained everything, but I will say this: it's rude to let people pay for you all the time. You shouldn't agree to go out for coffee if you don't even have a couple of bucks to contribute. Nobody owes you a coffee. Don't go for coffee after meetings anymore if you can't pay for yourself. Also, it sounds like you were sulking, which was probably very annoying to everyone else.
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Old 01-25-2012, 03:34 PM
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Yep....never heard of the seventh tradition going outside an AA room except to pay for supplies needed for the meeting. AAAAANNNND!!! The twelve promises states the blessings happen in TIME! Dont feel badly if you can't grab the check yet. What did he expect you to do? A spocor shouldn't embarass you in front of other people either! I feel passionate about this issue cause Ive had a sponcor like this.
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Old 01-25-2012, 05:27 PM
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whats confusing about it? everyone else who replied understand. And you weren't there to say I was sulking. I was asked what was wrong and it was between my sponsor and I but he managed to slip it out. And why would they be annoyed? All that was told to them was he hurt my feelings. I didn't pout or shout. And thanks to those who clearly stated what the 7th tradition has nothing to do with anything outside AA. He keeps putting that on me. So yeah I don't have money to spend and if you all would read my blogs my parents took over my money. besides the point.

But in my own decision or still wondering because I don't want him using the excuse how he drives me all the time and I don't give him money for it, deciding whether I'm going to stop going to that discussion meeting. Theres another one I can get there on my own, he even brought that up this past summer how he always drove and maybe for the 7th tradition I should give him money for gas. I don't drive myself. But thanks everyone for providing opinions.
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Old 01-25-2012, 05:29 PM
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and why would they be annoyed at a guy who never complains or argues? they seen me happy for the past 5 months. its not my fault my sponsor pounced on me in the washroom I just expected him to understand and remember my money issues. so you're just going to sit there and smile and pretend your okay with being called a cheapskate? Rigggght. wish me luck on that one
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Old 01-25-2012, 05:55 PM
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I'm just curious...Have you worked the steps with this sponsor?
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Old 01-25-2012, 06:37 PM
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When we are in the program of AA and sponcor people (alot of them without license or money....hitting bottom) we are taught to reach out in any way with NO expectations. Because thats how we are able to keep the gift of sobriety. You have to give it away to keep it. Your sponcor should know this. Your main concern right now is your sobriety. Please focus on this and not how to pay your sponcor back!!
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Old 01-25-2012, 06:42 PM
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This seems to be a big issue for you and I would feel the same way if my sponser tried to "shake me down" for treats after a meeting. I feel you have to trust your sponser 100% and him embarassing you after the meeting wasn't right.
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Old 01-25-2012, 06:45 PM
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Sounds like a private talk between you & sponsor may be in order. My sponsor and I talk honestly & kindly with each other. Whatever game was played needs to be stopped. Your sponsor has some ego issue here. Can you come up with an agreement? My group either pays for themselves or we talk beforehand. We've never pulled 7th tradition out of a meeting nor given someone a hard time to create a problem. Your sponsor knows your situation... Only my opinion.
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Old 01-25-2012, 07:31 PM
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I don't know you, don't know your sponsor and I don't know your history so I can't in good conscience comment on whether he was on good grounds or not. I've heard some pretty odd sounding things come out of ppl's mouths that really had me wanting to say "that's crap!" As I learned the whole story behind it, my opinion changed.

That said though, it seems like the whole thing is upsetting you and, as I'm sure you've heard in the meetings you've been to, "ALL our troubles are of our own making." So, if the experience with your sponsor is upsetting you......it's a resentment.......and we've got a 4th step to deal with it.

For more insight on whether your sponsor is on solid ground or not, how you're working the program, what he or you could/should take a look at and how to approach it, you may want to post up in the 12Step section.
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Old 01-26-2012, 09:39 AM
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Then he goes on about the 7th tradition with me in the washroom. "Part of the program requires you to contribute and that means coffee treats as well."
No, incorrect. At least I never heard this before and I've been going to AA a long time.
We learn that people aren't perfect and they screw up as much as anyone else. We learn to let things go so we don't jeopardize a relationship that's overall a good thing.
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Old 01-26-2012, 07:49 PM
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Well him and I had a long talk after our home group meeting. And we both made amends. I shouldn't have really gotten angry at him. I'm sure my parents would be more then happy to provide a money card to get Tim's for people. As I really did listen tonight to what he was trying to say. He told me how in the program everyone is like your brother and sister. no one is considered just people in AA. We go through all the same issues. He apologized for coming on strong to me. He knows in the past when he did this it would work me up like tuesday night. SO we had our talk and I apologized for the way I acted upon it. I could have easily just accepted what he was saying was trying to get me better knowledge that he and the others who been buying coffee for everyone, don't do it because they feel sorry for those who can't pay for stuff but show they care, they take pride in seeing others getting a treat. So he recommended that maybe once in awhile that I try to show the same to everyone else instead of just coming to Tim's and getting coffee and never buying. this time I listened and agreed. He looked at me and I laughed and said "this should have been the way I should have reacted!" And he laughed too and shook my hand. I told him the truth how when I got inside and went to my room a thought came across my mind and I was saying "Oh my god. What did I do! That isn't how I should be acting after all that has been given to me freely!" So I decided to apologize to him and the anger towards him faded and I saw what he was trying to do and that I allowed my anger to get the best of me again. So we're cool now and I was happy we had out talk so we're good again.

Thanks everyone for providing some support here. I didn't know what to do when i was so furious. Just thank god I got advice and talked to him instead of getting a drink!
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:45 PM
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Sounds like a 'communication problem. Your sponsor got two totally different things mixed up I M H O.

Now, I tell my sponsees that as soon as able, even if it's only 50 cents, start doing the 7th tradition at every meeting you go to.

What I tell them about coffee is this. Anytime you go for coffee with me, I will pay for your coffee and pie for at least your first 6 months. It was done for me, and I choose to 'play it forward.' I've eve bought them a sandwich when it is obvious that they hadn't eaten either. I all these years I have never heard a sponsor be that way with a sponsee.

I figure it was done for me for over 9 months, so what the heck? why not. What I have also seen all these years is that my sponsees 'pay it forward' also.

As long as you two have 'made your amends to each other' and are moving forward then I guess things are fine.

Just sounds a bit 'warped' to me ...................... maybe your sponsor was 'over tired' also.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-26-2012, 09:05 PM
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thank you for your kind advice laurie6781. Well that was how it played out. And to be honest I know your idea with how long the sober issue was. I have been in AA for 3 years so it isn't my first time to stay sober for the past 5 months I've been on and off over the past 3 years. I just didnt give in until now. I didn't really believe I had a problem even after all the drinking I still thought I was alright. But we have moved on and I need to be aware of my feelings and maybe approach it a more mature way.
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