ar11

I am all too aware of the fact that I have an alcohol addiction, and have had for almost 10 years. At the age of 17 I was drinking a 35cl bottle of Jack Daniels every day. Currently, I get through probably 3 litres of vodka a week.

I drink to remember, and I drink to forget.

My memories of the last 10 years are, to put it mildly, pretty hazy. I somehow managed to be married by 20, had a daughter at 24, separated from husband at 25, and am now spiralling into oblivion.

Every morning I wake up...which sometimes is a shock in itself. I manage to get through the day, usually hungover, and as soon as my daughter is in bed then the vodka comes out. I have to alternate where I buy my vodka, as the shop staff were beginning to reach for it before I had even asked, which is horrendous in itself. Especially with a small child in tow.

I have spent all this time waiting for something....or someone to 'save me.’ A husband couldn’t save me, neither could motherhood. I had alcohol counselling 2 years ago, and I did get sober, but I almost feel that I only did it to ‘impress’ my counsellor, and after a few months I was back to where I had started.

This year I had such big plans, one of which was to move house. I now have 7 days until I get the keys to my new place, and I should be so excited. But I just feel flat.

I can’t form friendships, or relationships, because I don’t know who 'sober me’ is anymore. I almost feel like a teenager stuck in an adult body because I missed all of the experiences of early adulthood due to drinking. I just about get my daughter to nursery every morning, if I even wake up.

Truth is that I don’t know who I am sober...and I have to save myself...I guess I just don't know how..

Hevyn

ar11 - Proud of you for joining and coming clean about what's going on in your life. I drank away 30yrs. of mine - but I'm now 4 yrs. sober. When I found SR I felt a sense of relief - I wasn't as alone as I thought I was. You are not alone, either - we're here to support you and help.

You're very self-aware - you see that your life is lacking and you don't want to continue just going through the motions. Alcohol sucked the life out of me, too - just as you described. I got out of hell, though. You can too.

Sapling

There is a lot of truth to that...A lot of truth. I think you made the first smart move by finding this site...Shows you are willing to do something about it. Now use this site to explore the different recovery options available...It's kind of like a shopping mall of recovery here and you have people that have made it work in many different ways...Use that. Read about it...Check out different forums...ASK QUESTIONS...These people here want to help you...And it's free. Find something you seem interested in and get busy...The sooner you get out of that hell that you are calling life right now...The better. Alcohol damned near killed me....I have no place for it in my life right now....You can do that too. Have a little hope and hang onto it tight.

stepping

ar11 - your life sounds like mine in a nutshell when i was drinking...which was not too long ago in fact.... minus the kid and hubby BUT the reason I never got that is bc all i cared about and attended to was my addiction to alcohol.

First step is admitting you have a problem..you did that above...second step do something to stop it in it's tracks. you can do this! if you dream it you can achieve it. it will be difficult but just CHANGE the life you had (the wasted one you refer to) and never look back because you are not going that way!!!

hang in there. you came to the right place for support we are all here in your corner with most of us being right where you are now before. hugs!

sugarbear1

Welcome home!

24hrsAday

welcome to SR ar11! i can relate to not knowing who you are sober! that one took a while for me.. in fact i'm still in the process of figuring it out! it get's better a day at a time once you put down that Damn bottle..

Dee74

welcome ar11

I spent years waiting for someone to save me too - but noone else did - no one could because only I knew the depth and width of my problem.

No one does this alone tho - and you will find a lot of support & ideas here

D

2granddaughters

Have you attended AA meetings?

ar11

Firstly I would just like to thank every single person who has taken the time to reply to my post. Alcholism is a seriously lonely place, and even though I know I am not the only person to have ever felt this way, it sure feels that way sometimes! Once my daughter goes to bed and I start drinking, it is just me, and that's all I have to worry about at the time. It's my little world, it's all I know, and as silly as it sounds it is where I feel safe.

I have no-one to talk to about this, I am not from a close family so the thought of seeking support from them is out of the question and friends are something I haven't had since high school, so I do feel like I'm in good company here. You have all made me feel so welcome.


In answer to your question, no I have not attended AA meetings, I did research it, and my nearest is 10 miles away. I don't drive, and would struggle to fit it in around my daughter. Besides, at the moment the thought of walking into a room full of strangers absolutely terrifies me. Social situations are something I am not good with. I don't doubt that it is the way forward for many people, but I really think it is probably not for me.

I am reading this forum with great interest, it is just the biggest weight off my shoulders to share with people who really, truly understand. The plan is yet to come, but I know what I have to do, and am beginning to feel confident that I will get there.

Thanks again for your posts, I am truly inspired by your stories

neferkamichael

Truth is that I don’t know who I am sober...and I have to save myself...I guess I just don't know how..

Sounds like to me you'll figure it out.

sugarbear1

aa online chatroom has chat & scheduled meetings. xa speakers has speakers from several groups.

Take a listen! If you need a ride to a meeting, call your local intergroup office, someone may come & get you there or at least talk with you on the phone.

Best Wishes!

Zebra1275

Besides, at the moment the thought of walking into a room full of strangers absolutely terrifies me.

They would only be strangers the first time.

After that they would be supportive strangers and pretty soon, supportive friends. When I went to AA it was a relief to find so many people who "understood."

Kat4184

Stay strong and find out who you are, I bet that you guys could be very good friends

Sapling

I heard it said that "Alcoholics/Addicts are the only people that cure lonliness with isolation"...That really hit home for me. It amazes me what I let alcohol put me through for most of my life. Find something that will help you rid yourself of it...Don't let fear be what keeps you out of AA...I was scared...It saved my life...You probably had fear just making your first post here...That wasn't so bad was it?. If not AA....Make sure you have some kind of support or plan. For me at least....Getting sober wasn't something that I wanted to do alone. Best wishes for you.

toenacious

Hi Arr, I'm new to this too. Somehow i've managed 36 days sober for the first time EVER. We seem to have a lot in common. I have two little kids and I would always try to hold on until they went to bed, drink myself drunk, then wake up hung over and feeling terribly guilty. Then repeat. I wish I knew the easy answer. For me the first 3 weeks were excruciating. They say day by day but for me it was minute by minute. I think the key for me was to finally get honest with myself. To write down on paper all the ways in which alcohol was controlling my life and how I was compromising my own standards just to drink. It really is hard but WORTH IT!!! I truly never thought I could go a week let alone 5 so I know You can do it!!

JBhere

please give it a rest. There are AA forums on sub forums on this site which are easily accessible. I suffer as well, but not all of us wish to be spammed with AA in every post.

ReadyAndAble

You're not alone now, eh? Welcome to SR. You're right, in the end it's all up to you... but as Sapling said, it sure helps to lean on others. The information and support I received here made all the difference. Glad you found us!

Ghostly

Chill out JBhere. This is a forum, and this is a Thread, and people can certainly suggest AA to a member if they feel it is beneficial. There are many parts of SR where AA is rarely mentioned. Your post made a bigger deal out of it than the original post.

langkah

10 miles is a long distance without wheels, perhaps in your new place that will no longer be so.

Support from those who understand the problem is a good thing when we think no one knows how we feel or the burden our drinking can be to us, but in reading the posts here you'll notice how it goes for those who believe/hope that support can take the place of recovery.

If it worked out well that would make things so much easier for all of us. We'd not have to do much but tell how bad we feel and then sit back and collect the attaboys.

ReadyAndAble

ar11, I think in reading these posts you'll also see there are many successful paths to recovery. Glad to have you aboard.