violetflame

A wise friend once told me that anything you put before your recovery you will ultimately lose. She is gone now. such a good vibrant soul. She was my therapist and a substance abuse counselor. She died "suddenly" and the cause was "undisclosed" Yet I am still here. I am really starting to see what she meant. My job, my daughter, my health (low RBC, low hematocrit, anemia)...they are all in jeopardy right now. But come 5pm I go buy the darn wine. I need help. i am the queen of excuses for not attending AA. I am done feeling sorry for myself and whining. I need to get my life back! Tomorrow will be day 1 AGAIN. And hopefully, the last. I just need to commit to this and realize I am an alcoholic and i cannot drink

laurie6781

Well I hope you keep this commitment.

I would suggest that you not try to 'detox' alone, but head to the nearest ER.

Detox is DEADLY and best handled by professionals.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

pangur

Hi Violetflame, due to time zone differences, I'm on the downtime in SR, but others will be online soon. You joined in october and posted 16 times? How about becoming a more active participant on SR? You'll spend more time focussed on your recovery than drinking and you'll help all of us too. From what you wrote, I think you've already figured it out about the need to stop, make a plan to do it, stick with it. Come to SR as much as you want and if you need to talk, post a message or send another member a PM (that goes for me too). The reasons you gave to quit struck a chord with me, I've a young boy and I don't want him growing up in a home where Dad is drunk.

violetflame

Pangur, thanks for your reply. I really needed some human contact right about now. I am definately going to become more active in SR. That is one of my plans. Helping others also gets us out of our own head, which is a big problem with me at least.l I spin myself into circles. I also like to write a alot so this is a good place for me. i just need to find out why I am so resistant to AA? But anyway, for the 1st poster, thanks. However, thankfully I have not yet reached the point of having to go to the ER to detox. I am an evening drinker and its mostly a bottle of wine a night, but it is still out of control. I wish I could go to Rehab maybe, but that is not possible for me right now financially. So,,,I am gonna try just AA and SR and walking and just getting into non-drinking activities. Join a book club. Socialize instead of isolate. Will keep you posted and feel free to PM me anytime. I live alone with my daughter, doggy and 3 cats. I also have a lot of free time at work.

pangur

AA isn't your only option, although I have nothing bad to say about it. Have a look at the secular part of the site discussing RR AVRT and SMART. Due to my geographical distance, AA isn't an option, but RR is really helping. I also spend hours on SR, my days off, when the boy is gone to bed, or when I have insomnia. I probably sound like a goofball to others, but I find that communicating with others really is making a difference this time for me. I was a great party-crasher as a drunk, SR is the best place to do it sober!!

DayTrader

VF....your post (the parts I quoted above) reminded me of a section in the AA Big Book:
Actually we were fooling ourselves, for deep down
in every man, woman, and child, is the fundamental
idea of God. It may be obscured by calamity, by
pomp, by worship of other things, but in some form
or other it is there.

The "worship of other things" specifically is what came to my mind as I read your words. All my life, up until I started practicing AA's 12 Steps, I would have told you I didn't worship "anything" - and I would have meant it too. .......but I was mistaken

Part of the definition of "worship" in Websters is: extravagant respect or admiration for or devotion to an object of esteem. My object of esteem..........was MY MIND. I believed myself such a deep thinker, such a wonderful judge of what is good/bad, right/wrong, necessary/unnecessary, etc (especially as those things related to me and my life) that the thought of doing something I didn't want to do or believe in was really quite absurd. Even today....I still find myself fighting the same battle from time to time.

I was ALWAYS convinced that, one of these days, sooner or later, I'd be able to get the type of happy satisfied life I always wanted. It was, I thought, just a matter of me managing better - better enforcing my will to succeed and overcoming troubles.

What bothered my most about AA was that "they" suggested my beliefs were foolish. They continually pointed to what was actually happening NOW and asked me how my plans were working out. They'd say things like, "So, how's it working for you?" I'm no dummie.......it was plain to me and anyone who was watching me that "my plans" to square my life away were NOT working - not consistently anyway.......certainly not as well and often as I was sure they should/would.

What kept ME away from AA.....and what kept me from actually working the program even when I was going to meetings (court ordered) was that I was POSITIVE I could fix myself without having to do what those other poor folks in AA had to do. I was sure if I found the right therapist, or got the right breaks here and there, or found the right way to relax, or the right way to get motivated.......I'd discover the best way to fix myself. It was silly, I thought, to have to surrender to AA to get better.

My arrogance (and I did NOT believe it to be arrogance at the time) was astounding. Thankfully, the pain of continually failing brought my ego down a couple notches and I started to consider that MAYBE I couldn't fix myself......that MAYBE what I thought was best for me wasn't best for me......that MAYBE I either didn't know how to run my life and/or didn't have the ability/right tools/experience to pull it off by doing what I thought was best. Perhaps you're in the same boat.....or having the same trouble.....and many of us do.

The whole darn AA program just seemed so contradictory to everything I had ever heard about how to live life. To me, "winning" was vital.....AA told me surrender to win. To me, "I can do anything," AA told me to admit powerlessness. I rarely RAAAARELY asked for help with anything....AA told me I HAD to seek help. I believed I could figure anything out....AA told me I'd have to rely upon a power greater than myself (lol...and I didn't really think there was much "greater" than my mind, especially when it came to the business of running my life).

As I said though, that 'ol constant pain and failure can be quite a motivator. Something wasn't working, that was obvious.....and I didn't know what "it" was. I also didn't think AA had any solution for ME.... But I was tired and frustrated, so even though I didn't think I needed the "whole" program, I figured maybe I'd try some of their stuff and see if I could modify it or get it to work for me. ..........and that's where it started. Just a little willingness to try something I didn't like, agree with or want to do. The beautiful part is that the more of that "AA stuff" that I did (even though I didn't want to do it and didn't think it would work), the better my life became. "Do stuff you don't like to feel better" - it was such a paradox. The more I did though, the better things got.....so that helped me get willing to try more and more. It was really my first experience in setting aside what was most important to me: what I thought.

Of course......as I sit here almost 5 years later as a recovered alcoholic I can look back with the clarity of hindsight and just marvel at my former stupidity. How could I NOT see I needed help? How could I NOT see that I needed AA? How could I NOT realize that the constant "pressure of life" I was always feeling isn't necessary or "normal?" How could I be soooo convinced I could pull it off when all the evidence pointed to the contrary?

I suppose I'll end with this...... I didn't WANT to be in AA but I kept getting drawn there and eventually "put" there (by a judge). Try as I might to avoid it.....that's where I kept ending up. Sometimes......things like that happening aren't mere coincidences yanno?

I'm sorry to hear about your therapist and I'm not making light of her passing but maybe there's something in her experience for you to learn from and benefit from - namely... sometimes we avoid what we NEED to be doing because we don't want to do it or believe we should do it.....and, with alcoholism and/or drug addiction, that avoidance can be and often is fatal.

Toward the end of my "drinking career" my alcoholISM (ie, not "my drinking") had me contemplating shooting myself. I didn't get the gun out but I was thinking about it.....more than once. Thankfully, I finally woke up to the notion that it wasn't so smart to bet my life on NOT needing AA.

.....lol......... allllll that pain........allllllllll that resistance....... it cracks me - up 'cuz working those darn steps in my life has been THE single best thing I've ever done - no contest.

langkah

VF, perhaps you don't yet know this but there are only two groups of alcoholics who are sober in AA. The first group is made up of members who didn't want to be alcoholic, and didn't want to do all the AA stuff to recover and live well. The second group has no members.

Maybe you'll fit well in one of them.

violetflame

Right now I am just really thankful I can vent here without being judged. I am tried of feeling like a failure for not being able to just have a couple of drinks and relax. For having to constantly keep going out for more! I become disgusted with myself for not being able to just drink normally,."I was going to start today after having yet another wonderful moment of clarity yesterday." They usually hit me around 3 am after waking up thirsty after having 4 small bottles of sutter home which is basically a bottle of wine. I keep thinking i can control it, but then the guilt over it gets me and of course I am worried about the long term effects of drinking and smoking every damn night. I feel like i am trapped and too messed up to care anymore. I worry about dying, as I know nightly excessive drinking can shorten my life and I have a daughter (who is driving me crazy bc she is 16 and she is tapering off zoloft and we are fighting more than ever) I am very afraid yet there is this part of me that keeps thinking . Oh ur just going through a hard time. It will get better, Does it ever? I think my desire to quit has to be stronger than it is right now, I want my life to get better. I just feel so alone . I need to get at least one day sober so my mind will get into a better place, so...I guess I will try again tomorrow.

Dee74

welcome back violet

I didn't know what I wanted to do when I got here...but the pots I read and people I talked to here helped me work out what I needed to do.

I hope you can do the same

D

violetflame

Last night I passed out and forgot to do the laundry. My daughter and I got into a huge fight because her pants weren't dry on time and she missed the bus and I had to take her to school. Of course she is 16 and she could have done it herself. However, it was really a crazy loud fight. She and I are butting heads so much. She is tapering off her medication (not sure it's the best idea right now) but bottom line. The event this morning probably wouldn't have happened had I stayed sober last night, I think sometimes my only hope is going to be rehab. I obviously have no will power.

Dee74

what else have you tried violet?

D

hereigo

Violet,

There are different ways that people find the treasured sobriety. Many of us find sobriety in a way that is different from another. But it comes down to not drinking. That is easier said than done, until you find your answer. I searched for decades, and tried most approaches, until I discovered the key to my sobriety. (I must say, I learned a lot along the long, miserable journey).

When you are a down and out drunk, beating yourself with alcohol and repeatedly damaging your life in areas of relationships, health, job, etc; drastically (and perhaps permanently) reducing your life potential to become the best you can be in all areas of your development, by continuing to drink, then sobriety truly does become a treasure. Do you feel you are addicted to alcohol?

You sign your posts with..."I am the only mother my daughter will ever have. Commited to Sobriety. One Day At a Time.-Breathe..."

What does this mean to you...could you please expound upon this in fine detail? Tell us what every statement in that valediction means, explicitly. Please give it some thought, and then share, if you would.

violetflame

Hi, I started signing my posts that way when I stopped drinking,. I did not realize it sounded a bit contradicting that the signature still was there and I was posting about getting drunk. Well, I the last night I drank was Thursday night.
This is my day 2. I feel much calmer and clear headed. It's like the person who was drinking and fighting a few days ago was someone else. So I keep writing myself notes saying how good I am doing and to keep it up so I can keep feeling this way. I haven't even had a cigarette in 2 days.

To reply to HereIgo....well : to be comitted to sobriety means to do everything you can to maintain it. Obviously I was not doing that last week. It means go to meetings, get on here, do something else...anything to not drink.
The part about BREATHE means to stop and do some relaxation instead of using the wine to numb.
The part about the daughter , well, yes. Not only to I have a responsibility to not die from drinking or get myself or someone else killed by driving drunk. But I have a responsibility to be good and sober mother to my daughter. Not the trainwreck I had recentlly become. Thanks for helping me analyse those statements. I appreciate your support and I am happy to have the mental clarity to be able to expand upon something I wrote the last time I was in a "sober" place. Will keep you all posted.

instant

Assuming that you believe you are programmed not to drink normally, getting angry with yourself is part of the problem. No matter how disgusted you get it will never change.

There is a way to peace, I hope you find it soon

violetflame

Obviously if I could drink normally I wouldn't have all these problems instant. Believe me I have tried