JustAverage

My dear former co-worker is in detox now. She has been alcohol free for a few weeks. She is also getting serious medication for a serious desiease. She refuse to for rehab. She actually thinks she can just go to AA meetings and make it through. I sure hope she's right. But what really alarms me, is, she actually thinks she can have one social drink in a year or two from now if she wants to. She doesn't think it's dangerous! I guess she is in denial even though she is in detox right now. As a friend who does not have a drinking problem how should I handle this? Do I try to nag her and tell her she is foolish? Do I say nothing and act like I am her friend? Or do I tell her to stay out of my life if she drinks again? What should I do?

suki44883

You let her recovery be hers. It's not your place to nag her about anything. If she wants to drink, she will drink. If you don't want to be around her when she is drinking, then don't be around her when she's drinking. Worrying about what might happen in the future is a huge waste of time.

Dee74

Hi JustAverage

Lots of people think this way.
All I can say for sure is that it's not an option for me.

You can nag her til you're blue in the face...but it doesn't sound like she's receptive to other points of view right now?

It's not your job to save her - that was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn.

D

JustAverage

It's not my job to save her. That's a lesson that I just learned on this board. So how do I act, or what do I say when she so idiotically talks about having a social drink of wine a year or two from now? What should I do? Just ignore it? Say something? Say I have to go?

Dee74

I don't know this woman and I'm not in the friendship

I don't have any friends who are active alcoholics anymore.

With my friends who still drink- if they raise the issue, fine I'll talk - otherwise I figure I'm really offering my opinion where it's not been asked for...



How would you have felt in her shoes I guess is a good yardstick to go by

D

Dee74

double post

JustAverage

I hear you. But her life depends on her not drinking. I guess everyone does. But given her serious medical condition she could die a lot faster if she drinks again.

sugarbear1

Be a friend. Listen. Change the topic gently when she's done. Two years is far from now. Pray, if that's what you do.
Hugs & love,

ReadyAndAble

Do you think maybe you could share your doubts and concerns with her—one time? Maybe let her know you care for her too much to not say anything, but that because you value her friendship and do not want to drive her away, you will not bring it up again unless she asks for your opinion. Just a thought... obviously I don't know your friend and can't gauge how she might react to that. But it might make you feel better.

ReadyAndAble

Another thought: have you told her about SR? When I first arrived, and read posts from people who couldn't moderate after decades of abstaining, it made me realize how futile it was to think I could ever drink normally.

DayTrader

Heh, I wouldn't worry about it. Most alkies don't do what they set out to do TODAY let alone a year from now.....lol.

Encourage her to get involved in recovery now...work on what she can now. Odd are, if she gets serious about recovery, in a year's time, wanting to be a social drinker will be the furthers thing from her mind.

Bianca105

JA,
This is just my opinion.
Smile politely and change the subject, or gaze off into the sunset or something.
Do not try to minister to her. There's nothing in the world you can do to "speed up" someone's recovery.
It sounds like she's already fantasizing about her next drink. Not a great sign.
just try to stay supportive but neutral and not emotionally invested.

Music

You set your own boundaries. Just like with anyone else. Unexceptable behavior is what it is. It's not my job to try to control someone else's life to fit what I think is right but I can decide for myself what I'm willing to put up with. If you're content with the drama that comes along with her drinking, her attitude...or whatever, then stick in there and put up with whatever comes your way. You can draw a line in the sand which you're not willing to cross.

ForeverDecember

That's a really uncomfortable situation to be in I can understand why you are feeling so lost right now... it's difficult to watch someone basically sabotage themselves.

However, as a few said above - it's her recovery and at some point you've got to let go. If it means your friendship can't continue, then so be it. Remember you are important here also, so if it's putting you through undue stress then remove yourself. It doesn't have to be forever. The hardest thing you can do is walk away from someone you love, especially when you're doing it because it's the right thing to do.

If she starts talking to you about drinking in the future you could either distract her by asking how her programs going, or ask what do they say in her recovery unit about that? or you could just be straight up with her - "Sorry, but the thought of you drinking again in a year or whenever from now is really difficult for me. It upsets me to think of everything you might lose. If you want to drink again, that's your choice, but while we're hanging out could we please not talk about it?" Only say it once, definitely don't nag her. If she brings it up again just keep changing the subject.

Good luck

NYCDoglvr

It doesn't matter what she thinks or says, it matters what she does. We're sober today, that's all. I walked into AA and got sober 20 years ago, although in hindsight I wish I'd had a rehab.

camedown

As I have heard often in meetings, sounds like she might not be done drinking. This might be hard for a non drinker to understand, but all of us alkies just hit a point where were done, we give up, we are through. It is not a matter of winning over alcohol, but the ultimate defeat, and it is something she is going to have to face alone. You can't control her actions, but you can be there for her. She might go to those AA meetings on a whim, and end up getting sober for life, you never know. Just be supportive, and let her take her ride.