sunrise1

The husband has blown a gasket... I DID do the original thing that started it (missed paying the power bill), but it has just gone downhill from there. He was storming through the house breaking things and swearing that he's moving out because there's nothing left that he likes about me.

I'm in a world of hurt. I'm far from perfect but this is a mountain from a molehill. Please keep me in your thoughts today.

Thanks,
s

2granddaughters

Best of luck, sunrise.

Is it possible that missing the power bill is the "straw that breaks the camel's back"? Have you mishandled your responsibilities in the past?
This is an excellent opportunity to look at the big picture here and fix what you can fix.

Best of luck.

Bob

CarolD

Mega and prayers

Opivotal

Tantrums are not pretty Sunrise. I put up with them for to many years. They always made my stomach hurt. Sending you some good Mojo and Big Higs.


:ghug3
Best Wishes To You!

BackToSquareOne

Sunrise1, sane people don't storm around the house breaking things over a missed power bill. Sounds like he has issues. My prayers are with you.

Bikeguy

Please leave the house if your worried for your safety. I hope you can work things out safely and sanely.

sunrise1

Thank you all... 2granddaughters, I sat down and wrote inventory just now. I HAVE mishandled money in the past, and I know that part of his rage is justified. It's the other part- the one calling me an *-hole and waking me up every 30 minutes to make me cry again and breaking things that really has me twisted in a knot.

Again, thank you all.

sissy07

Sunrise,

I know a lot of us have been irresponsible when drinking - I know I was. But I don't understand why your husband thinks it necessary to light into you every 30 minutes to the point that you cry and throw a temper tantrum.

I understand his frustration, but why can't he handle the money for awhile (like pay the blasted power bill) until you get a handle on things? Of course I only advocate that if you quit drinking - otherwise that would be enabling.

You need to quit drinking (obviously - I know you know that) and the two of you should probably get some outside help - counseling?

Everything will keep getting worse until you quit drinking. Remember you are not bad, you are sick. And it is your responsiblity to address that.

In my marriage (I am divorced now) I took a lot of mental and emotional abuse, because I figured I deserved it. I didn't, and you don't.

2granddaughters

And if he's having a bad day the crap can really hit the fan.

How long have you been married? Wife and I are a little over 40 yrs, in November of this year we will be 50 years since our first date. The other day she said that if I didn't straighten up that she was packing.. it's been decades since she said that.
I just walked through the kitchen and out of the blue she said "Love you, Hubby !!"

Point is, I guess, if I can mind my own business and mind it well.. that this too shall pass.

Wishing you the best !

Bob R.

Veritas1

When I read your post, I thought of this portion of the Big Book.

Also a re-read of The Family Afterward may be helpful for you.

It sounds like money problems, fear over money, bills, paying them on time, etc...money is a huge issue right now for many people. Fear over not having enough. I know many arguments are started over money. That is my experience anyway.

It could be his own fear issues over money, along with the underlying resentment he has towards you manifesting in namecalling, and lashing out at you.

My suggestion would be to say the words from the portion of the Big Book to him.

My sponsor told me sometimes some things need to be said however unfortunate it may seem. She told me say nothing for 3 days after an argument and let it calm down.

After some time as passed, perhaps he will apologize? Is this a pattern for him? Lashing out at you when he is upset?

Make a list of what you wrote here...

Calling you an A-hole, throwing things, etc. Tell him it is unacceptable for him to treat you this way.

Tell him to please not call you names, or throw things. Ask him if he can promise to change how he treats you when he is angry.

Ask him to go to marriage therapy with you?

I am sorry. Although we did do much to befall our homes and relationships....there is no reason that you should have to put up with this abuse.



"You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest they will not drag you down. Instead, you will capitalize them. A better way of life will emerge when they are overcome.

Some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings and resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. Starting from a speck on the domestic horizon, great thunderclouds of dispute may gather. These family dissensions are very dangerous, especially to your husband. Often you must carry the burden of avoiding them or keeping them under control. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. We do not mean that you have to agree with you husband whenever there is an honest difference of opinion. Just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit.

You and your husband will find that you can dispose of serious problems easier than you can the trivial ones. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, no matter what the subject, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, “This is getting serious. I’m sorry I got disturbed. Let’s talk about it later.”

from To Wives

Sugah

I have a process I go through when someone around me is expressing displeasure with me.

First, I inventory my behavior and see if I have done something wrong. If so, I admit my wrong and when possible, correct it (some bells can't be unrung).

If I can't find where I've played a part, I'll pray to be helpful -- and here's where I've had to learn some hard lessons, some of them when I have been wrong and I have done my best to make amends.

Sometimes, the most help I can be to someone is to refuse to tolerate bad behavior. I can't change the way others act or react, but I don't have to subject myself to abuse just because I can't change the abuser.

I don't know if this is part of a pattern, but if it is, it's likely that it will happen again. We're human. We make mistakes. Is it acceptance or courage you need now?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

sunrise1

sissy07, I celebrated my first birthday in November so I'm somewhere around 14 months sober. Which is not to say I still haven't handled the money perfectly but I do try to use my best judgement. It's just hard when there is leftover debt- both our faults- and there's not enough to go around. There's a little of robbing Peter to pay Paul going on but until we get our heads above water that can't be helped.

Sugah, It's probably courage... this has been a recurring theme throughout our 12 year marriage.

thanks all.

dawnrunner

Sunrise, I had a very anger-prone husband for 8 years and we are now divorced. He was given to temper flares while driving (very dangerous), when discussing money (about which he was just nutso-irrational), and about my activities being too independent (when I went to the barn to ride, he would accuse me of having sex with 'cowboys'; never mind that all the others at the barn were adolescent girls).

We are now divorced and my life is so peaceful and serene, and also lonely but not in a bad way if that makes sense. I hope you will be safe and not stay around for something you should not have to experience. My ex would not go to counseling for his anger even though a marriage counselor strongly recommended it.

You don't deserve to be emotionally beaten up. Take care of yourself and your sobriety.

2granddaughters

So, how is the old man doing today ?

I would never suggest that you should stay in a relationship that is dangerous or abusive. My father used to give me good 'lickins" when I was a kid... and I honestly deserved every one of them. My father was not the problem.

I have the 2 granddaughters here today, 4 1/2 and 2 1/2. They get pushing and shoving and kicking until 1 starts crying. It is usually the one who did most of the pushing that gets the worst of it and starts whining.
My point is, if I wasn't there to see what happened, I can't just go and punish the other granddaughter who isn't crying, she may be the least at fault.

Is the old man settled down today? If you gave him a hug and told him you know how he feels and you'll really try your best in the future to keep up with the payments ... would he return the hug?
That's usually the way it works around here.




When I was in the Recovery Home in '89, one of the younger guys got married and I was in the wedding. the Minister that did the ceremony said something that has stuck with me since then and makes so much sense re: creating a happy marriage, he said "Try to meet each other more than half way". When I apply that at home the days go swimmingly !!

Bob R.

SASA

So here are my 2 cents: Even if you forgot to pay the bill or even if you forgot and burned down the house, he has no right to be abusive to you. It is his issue not yours. You deserve better. Just because you drunk before does not make it right for him to call you naems and abuse you emotional. I would tell hime this very clear and if this does nto work get out. I was in many abusive relationships and they always run over me and what I learned is: I deserve to be treated with respect! And I deserve not to be yelled at. Anybody who chooses to abuse me should do this in another room or outside.....

Dee74

I think Sugah hit it right on the head, Sunrise.

take care of yourself

D

sunrise1

UPDATE:

Following the first post in this thread, we drove 10 hours to a gig in which he verbally abused me for 9 hours and 40 minutes of the trip. Everything I do is wrong, he's leaving, taking the cats, bla bla bla. He hates this thing that I do, he hates that thing that I do. I did my best to tune him out; long story short, he punched a hole in the van roof (we have a storage thing above it), and the whole ride was like Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

I truly believe it's chemical, but chemical or not I have some awful decisions to make.

Thanks all for your continued input.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your situation sunrise - prayers & best wishes to you.

D