checkmate1

I really stuffed up last night I drank crazily. I knew I was going to and long story short got involved in some kind of arguement with someone I have never met before over the phone and I somehow flipped the switch. Was told today by my Dad that they have never seen me that angry. I was screaming down the house. My Mum had a shaking attack last night and Dad said people are going to start turning there back on me.

My options are looking minimal and Dad says I have much to lose at the moment and he's right......Today is Day 1 I'm very shook up at the moment and know I will sink deeper if I continue to drink. Very shattering experience. The last few months have been brutal and I'm starting to crack. I will have to get sober before everyone turns there back on me especially my family. This drinking bout was bound to happen sometime I know what I need to do so I'll just get on with it and stay sober.

Dee74

so whats your plan checkmate?

D

checkmate1

At the moment day 1 is closing. When I get out of this embarrassing episode. My plan is to chuck out about a slabs worth of empty bottles from my room. Continue to read on SR. Get some 1 on 1 counselling. I'm going to have to completely refocus my life on sobriety. I've got rid of the poisonous people in my life. Now that I have had 6 months of sobriety before so now I'm going to listen to myself and when a problem arises like it did before just got to keep strong and not drink. Tomorrow I will wake up to a fresh day. New opportunities and am going to respect that and keep moving forward. Because each drink has been giving me a beating time to fight back. The Rational Recovery side of things is looking good at the moment. I have all the background info just need to action it now.

24hrsAday

checkmate i wish you the best. i was wondering if you ever tried out A.A. Meetings? even if you don't believe in God it can work for you if you want it bad enough.. peace!

2granddaughters

If it gets bad enough, you can always go to AA.

Best of luck.

Bob R.

checkmate1

End of day 2 and the constant anxiety and hanging onto sanity has gone. It's a never-ending cycle of drinking, then drinking too much then follows anxiety, crazy thinking for the next 2-3 days. Really a crazy living. I went swimming today and it is the first time I have excercised in about a year I think other than walking. It really calmed my nerves after a wild Friday night. This will be part of my routine from now on. Something as simple as swimming felt so rewarding and I'm glad I decided to change up the run of things.

checkmate1

Day 3 has been a bit rough. Panic attacks returned but its almost time to go to sleep and start a new day tomorrow.

keithj

Checkmate, you've been saying the exact same thing for 3 years now. Is it possible that you don't know what you need to do? Doing what you know you need to do doesn't seem to be having great results for you.

I recovered by setting aside what I knew I needed to do (which, like you, wasn't working very well), and doing what had been successful for others.

langkah

Sorry to hear that nothing's changed.

checkmate1

Most of us here are doing our best to stay sober! Yes I have been here for three years but it has only been the last year I found out I needed to do something about it. In the last year I had 6 months of sober time. What are your statistics? What worked for you? What did you find had been successful for others? You've told me nothing! thanks for that.

Dee74

Noone's trying to put you down Checkmate.
We're all trying to help.

D

Terminally Unique

Your addiction survives in large part due to passivity and procrastination — waiting for things to just happen. Have you read the Rational Recovery book, or the AVRT threads in the secular connections forum?

checkmate1

Yes terminally unique I have read the book. I own it. Need to read it again. I know this is my addictive voice talking but to never take another drink forever is where I always fall short. The beast is lurking around me big time. I know I shouldn't listen to it. I can recognize the signs but weeks and months I get further away from the drink the more it seems ok to have another drink I know that's the beast talking saying c'mon we're past that now but that is how it goes and always has If I said never again i know I'd be lying. It is repetitive I honestly can't say to myself never again. I think i could quit forever but I would just do it to prove a point that I could stop all together if the circumstances presented itself but would I? do I? This is not making sense but I have probably answered my own question. There probably is no point to any of this I've been on this site for over 3 years and with all the help, hope, guidance, great information and great members I have never been able to quit and stay quit. I know I will not drink tonight but if you said what about 2 years from now I would have to say I don't know 10 years I don't know. I think it's a big mental thing for me. When I'm off it I don't want it as much if at all. When I'm on it that's what I'm doing I suppose. I obviously haven't hit my rock bottom yet!!!!!!Where is it!!!!!!I want to live a happy, healthy life but if you say forever?????

Thanks everyone but it looks like I shouldn't be here anymore maybe not ready, not willing, too lazy, I don't know period. I want to quit but sometimes I change my mind. My whole life has been a changed my mind moment. I think I'm definitely alone on this one.

desertsong

Checkmate, you're not alone on this one. Truly. I think many of us have felt that ambivalence about quitting, even though in our heart of hearts we knew it was the right thing. However destructive alcohol is, the idea of giving it up forever is tough, especially when it's been a big part of your life for so long.

As it's been said here before, you don't have to ride the garbage truck all the way to the dump ... you can get off now before things get worse. And they will. I hope you will spare yourself the misery of hitting a true, horrible "bottom." Wishing you all the best - we're here when you're ready (and even if you're not).

BrandNewDay11

I totally agree with everything desertsong said. Especially the part about not being alone on this.

As for the idea of never drinking again, though I haven't been to AA meetings I've read the big book and I know that making that kind of commitment is nearly impossible for every alcoholic. But you don't have to. All you have to worry about is today. Make a commitment to stay sober TODAY. Don't take it more than one day at a time. Ever.

Mark75

Alcoholics Anonymous works for a lot of people.

pangur

What you said earlier spoke volumes about progress in addressing non-alcohol issues, such as anger and anxiety. None of us here are saints or experts, heck, if there were such things we wouldn't be here. Just because I haven't found the right skill-set to address my alcohol abuse issue, doesn't mean that I feel like I'm letting people here down, or at the same time, perhaps some minor thing I share with this community that is of no real value to my own recovery, might help someone else.
Stay positive, easier said than done I know. Keep in mind though, it's a short time since a poor choice was made, you're still getting alcohol out of your system, so you're bound to feel anxiety. Just to demonstrate my earlier point about sharing your experiences, your story made me realize how much more I need to get active and exercise more.
Your decisions to re-read the RR book, exercise etc. are all very positive ways to address how you feel.

Terminally Unique

Yes, especially if you have only read the book once. Have you read through the AVRT threads? There are some nuances to AVRT that people don't always grasp at first. If, as you say, AVRT is the method you want to use, I suggest you spend some time reading through the threads.

Then obviously it is not possible for you to actually lie to yourself, because you would know if you really meant what you said or not.

AVRT is a "now" approach. Some people prefer to think as follows: "I will never drink in the present moment." Since it is always the present moment, whether right now, 2 years from now, or 10 years from now, the outcome is the same — permanent abstinence.

keithj

That was exactly my point. Doing my best never kept me sober. A spiritual awakening through AA's 12 Steps did and does.

kanamit

Checkmate, I second the idea that should you need to read the book a second time—and read the AVRT threads. I really did not get it first time round. While the technique itself is simple once you know it, there is a learning curve. Once you get it though, it really is effortless—and it really is all or nothing.

Regarding it being for life, can you imagine if you were paying for a monthly service and someone offered you a genuinely free and better alternative? Given that the first party was only in it for the money, how do you think they would react to this new offer?

They would try and talk you out of it and say it's too good to be true. By mooting lifetime abstinence, even though it felt uncomfortable, you shone a light on your addiction exposing the one thing that can kill it: quitting.

Like the huckster who was fleecing you for monthly payments and was only in it for the money, your addiction is only in it for the pleasure and is getting you to consume alcohol against your better moral judgment. Your addiction is injecting self-doubt by telling you that you cannot possibly quit for good. The doubt and uncomfortable feeling is your addiction.

By the way, have you read the Allen Carr book also, I found that very useful too.