After several Day 2 relapses, I'm on Day 5!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 12
After several Day 2 relapses, I'm on Day 5!
Today I'm starting day 5. After years and years of serious, ritualistic daily drinking [details spared], I'm quitting cold turkey. this is the 4th time I've tried this year, but the longest I ever made it was to day 2, so day 5 is by far my most successful venture. My goal this week has been just to make it through Friday, one day at a time.
For me, I have this 'craving window' that starts anywhere from 4:00 - 6:00 and ends either when I drink, which obviously is not an option, and goes on until about 8:00 where for some reason, so long as I haven't already been drinking, I'm not compelled to start. In the past, I always succumbed to the temptation. It's like there is this battle in my mind every day from 4-6 where I face an enemy who resides in my brain and has access to my thoughts including my objectives and goals to not drink. It knows my plan of attack, my defense strategies and can mimic my inner voice to sabotage it all and compel me to make choices that on some level feel like I' m making myself. "You deserve a reward for- closing that deal, eating healthy at lunch, not drinking yesterday,!" or "You deserve a break for having a long day, or losing that deal, etc..." "Don't you feel like you just deserve to rest today?" "Don't you need a release today?" Or it coerces me to just let go- "Just don't think about it anymore", [sheathes sword] "Follow me and I'll handle it." [turn right]. "Everything is going to be fine" [turn left]. "See? Here we are." [park at bar]. It uses my attempts to quit against me- "see how ******* annoyed you are right now?" "One drink and this could all just go away." And finally when I do drink it says, "Aaah, wasn't that nice?" Then it disappears and goes to sleep there I remain alone with the guilt, self-loathing and desperation of why I can't stop. And so the cycle goes for me. The more I become aware of this relentless little instigator, I realized yesterday that I have a couple of secret weapons too. It started when I read on this forum that people have had success quitting hour by hour when a craving or urge hits- 'just make it to 6:00, then quit again until 7:00 and again until 8:00'. For me, this worked for a short time, but in the end I found it exhausting. I keep sparring, blocking and parrying keeping the enemy in front of me at bay while the battle around me is being fought and lost. However, I've learned that if instead of repeatedly quitting each hour, if I promise the enemy 'we'll have a drink at 7:00', then 'oops, I'm sorry, I meant 8:00', he sheathes his sword, sits on a stump and waits. Now the even crazier thing is, if I tell him that I'll have that drink in 10 years, he sort of does the same thing, he starts thinking about and preparing for that drink, not understanding what 10 years means. It has the brain of a child and it doesn't know ****. It's ******* stupid! Now on the flip side, because it doesn't know what 10 years is, he just starts coming at me again soon enough, but if I offer it up again, it works every time! For a while at least. I get to decide when we fight, how we fight and with what. Knowing that, why not have a pillow fight, in Eastern Antarctica in 100 years? This is something I just realized last night. While watching a movie that I wasn't paying any attention to, alone in a movie theater. Another thing I realized is that tricking it over and over again isn't enough- I need to have a plan on what I'm going to do everyday from 4-6. I have to choose the battle field. I can't freelance. I can't improvise. Not this week. It's a sneaky, relentless little **** and it will use my thoughts against me. being in my car alone, at 5:30 without a plan is it's domain, home field advantage for the enemy, but so long as I have a plan, I can outsmart the dumbass. Mission Impossible tonight- 7:05- who's in???
sorry for the rambling.
Ken
For me, I have this 'craving window' that starts anywhere from 4:00 - 6:00 and ends either when I drink, which obviously is not an option, and goes on until about 8:00 where for some reason, so long as I haven't already been drinking, I'm not compelled to start. In the past, I always succumbed to the temptation. It's like there is this battle in my mind every day from 4-6 where I face an enemy who resides in my brain and has access to my thoughts including my objectives and goals to not drink. It knows my plan of attack, my defense strategies and can mimic my inner voice to sabotage it all and compel me to make choices that on some level feel like I' m making myself. "You deserve a reward for- closing that deal, eating healthy at lunch, not drinking yesterday,!" or "You deserve a break for having a long day, or losing that deal, etc..." "Don't you feel like you just deserve to rest today?" "Don't you need a release today?" Or it coerces me to just let go- "Just don't think about it anymore", [sheathes sword] "Follow me and I'll handle it." [turn right]. "Everything is going to be fine" [turn left]. "See? Here we are." [park at bar]. It uses my attempts to quit against me- "see how ******* annoyed you are right now?" "One drink and this could all just go away." And finally when I do drink it says, "Aaah, wasn't that nice?" Then it disappears and goes to sleep there I remain alone with the guilt, self-loathing and desperation of why I can't stop. And so the cycle goes for me. The more I become aware of this relentless little instigator, I realized yesterday that I have a couple of secret weapons too. It started when I read on this forum that people have had success quitting hour by hour when a craving or urge hits- 'just make it to 6:00, then quit again until 7:00 and again until 8:00'. For me, this worked for a short time, but in the end I found it exhausting. I keep sparring, blocking and parrying keeping the enemy in front of me at bay while the battle around me is being fought and lost. However, I've learned that if instead of repeatedly quitting each hour, if I promise the enemy 'we'll have a drink at 7:00', then 'oops, I'm sorry, I meant 8:00', he sheathes his sword, sits on a stump and waits. Now the even crazier thing is, if I tell him that I'll have that drink in 10 years, he sort of does the same thing, he starts thinking about and preparing for that drink, not understanding what 10 years means. It has the brain of a child and it doesn't know ****. It's ******* stupid! Now on the flip side, because it doesn't know what 10 years is, he just starts coming at me again soon enough, but if I offer it up again, it works every time! For a while at least. I get to decide when we fight, how we fight and with what. Knowing that, why not have a pillow fight, in Eastern Antarctica in 100 years? This is something I just realized last night. While watching a movie that I wasn't paying any attention to, alone in a movie theater. Another thing I realized is that tricking it over and over again isn't enough- I need to have a plan on what I'm going to do everyday from 4-6. I have to choose the battle field. I can't freelance. I can't improvise. Not this week. It's a sneaky, relentless little **** and it will use my thoughts against me. being in my car alone, at 5:30 without a plan is it's domain, home field advantage for the enemy, but so long as I have a plan, I can outsmart the dumbass. Mission Impossible tonight- 7:05- who's in???
sorry for the rambling.
Ken
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
AA changed me......and I don't mean to soap-box here Phoenix.....but that's what happened.
Each time I'd figure out that voice (like you talked about), it would adapt and hit me in ways I couldn't see until it was too late. I could not always recognize it and it didn't always suggest a drink.
The spookiest part was when there was not voice at all.....nothing.....I'd just discover, almost like waking up from a dream, that I'd be halfway through a big glass of Captains n diet..... I could hardly remember pouring it and couldn't really remember "deciding" it would be ok to drink again. I dunno about you.......but there's no defense I can come up with for that type of thing. How do you keep from doing something when you don't even know you're doing it.......
That's why I said AA changed me. Really it was the steps and the Power of a God of MY understanding behind the steps....that changed me. I don't have to be vigilant anymore. I don't have to look for that voice....those crazy thoughts....those gentle whispers in my ear that "you've earned it" or "it'll be different this time." That's the pure beauty in AA.... you don't have to attack your drinking problem - it WILL get attacked AND be destroyed.....if you'll do these simple things - be honest (with yourself and others), be kind and loving, help other people, be considerate.....etc. That's really what the 12 steps are - tools for living life more successfully. You do that and it's frickin' amazing how cool your life will get.
......and..... you'll never drink again either.
Each time I'd figure out that voice (like you talked about), it would adapt and hit me in ways I couldn't see until it was too late. I could not always recognize it and it didn't always suggest a drink.
The spookiest part was when there was not voice at all.....nothing.....I'd just discover, almost like waking up from a dream, that I'd be halfway through a big glass of Captains n diet..... I could hardly remember pouring it and couldn't really remember "deciding" it would be ok to drink again. I dunno about you.......but there's no defense I can come up with for that type of thing. How do you keep from doing something when you don't even know you're doing it.......
That's why I said AA changed me. Really it was the steps and the Power of a God of MY understanding behind the steps....that changed me. I don't have to be vigilant anymore. I don't have to look for that voice....those crazy thoughts....those gentle whispers in my ear that "you've earned it" or "it'll be different this time." That's the pure beauty in AA.... you don't have to attack your drinking problem - it WILL get attacked AND be destroyed.....if you'll do these simple things - be honest (with yourself and others), be kind and loving, help other people, be considerate.....etc. That's really what the 12 steps are - tools for living life more successfully. You do that and it's frickin' amazing how cool your life will get.
......and..... you'll never drink again either.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
I saw my own struggle as a seige, not a battle, and yes, it was exhausting. But in the end, I won. The voice doesn't plague me anymore. So hang in there.
Try telling the voice you are quitting FOREVER! Let him sit on the sidelines and wait for that.
Originally Posted by phoenix632 
...the even crazier thing is, if I tell him that I'll have that drink in 10 years, he sort of does the same thing, he starts thinking about and preparing for that drink, not understanding what 10 years means.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
