ForeverDecember

My ex-drinking friends (a couple).

I went out with my sister to the pub just to play some games of pool. About half way through the night I saw that my old drinking friends were there in a group with some new people I didn't know. It was such a weird feeling. Like seeing an ex-partner with a smoking-hot new girl. They were all laughing and having fun, and for whatever reason it made me feel about an inch tall. I waved at them and they waved back, but I got a glare from one of the new friends... made me paranoid. I was having a good enough time (up until that point), but it made me feel like I was the one who had "lost" (like when ex's meet there's a winner and a loser).

Urgh, this is such a backwards step. These people are not nice, we were drifting away even when I was drinking. They are selfish, rude, arrogant, and disliked by almost everyone in the community. I don't know why it made me feel so bad. I know they don't ask me to go out, it's been over 3 months and that part of our "friendship" is long gone. One of them had a birthday not long ago and I did not get an invite. I wouldn't have gone, but it was a definite turning point not to get the invite. These people were a part of my daily life for five years or more, so I understand why there's a sense of loss, even if they were toxic people. I was a bridesmaid at their wedding actually, and they used to know me pretty well. As well as you can know someone who you never meet sober, anyway.

I just don't like that here I am feeling like I'm the loser for quitting drinking, because they are happy without me. What a backwards thing to think. I don't miss them, I keep busy with a lot of other things and don't think about them unless I see them, so I am surprised at my reaction tonight. It was like being the unpopular kid in a bad American teen movie, even though I was there doing exactly what I planned to do with exactly who I planned to be there with. Maybe I felt self-concious for being with only one person while they were in a group?

What a "Meh" way to end the night.

Sapling

You should never feel like a loser....And how happy do you think they really are?

ForeverDecember

They are pretty happy. They live a life of hedonistic bliss, no responsibility, get paid good money to do literally nothing. So they spend their days hanging out together in a pretty nice house, doing whatever they want at the expense of whoever they need, but (and here's the key) they do it without guilt or remorse. It's the way we all wish we could live, if we didn't have a concious and didn't care about the people we step on (so in truth: the way only the selfish few would want to live).

Case and point; they ran a bar when we met, and since then their mother/mother in law is now employed by them to run the bar. Despite the fact that she is elderly, has trouble walking, is a cancer survivor whose meds make her bones hurt and basically cause her general pain and discomfort, they expect her to go out and collect all the booze for the bar (including lifting cartons of beer). All this while they sit in their house, watch their giant TV, and drink the top label alcohol.

I don't envy their lifestyle, I'd be pretty sick with myself if I ever acted in that way, but you can't deny they're happy (even if it is distasteful).

The problem is that I know that it's a stupid way to feel, inferior or whatever it was, but despite what my brain knows it didn't stop the feeling. It won't keep me awake, and will be a thing of the past soon enough, but it was just an uncomfortable feeling, you know? That's sort of what's annoying about it - why on Earth should I feel that way, and why did it bother me? I think maybe it's just the letting go of the old me... I spent years ignoring their faults because they are enablers and helped me to keep drinking (once out-right refusing to stop serving me at their bar even when I asked them to because I was "trying to cut back".) In hindsight I know that without the booze there wouldn't have been any friendship.

Sapling

Sounds like some real winners....I wouldn't give them much thought. Think about how well you are doing...It's more productive.

justhadenough

you are not the loser.

you remind them of what they are doing and how 'happy' they are drinking. you have chosen to lead a cleaner, sober life and you remind them of what they could have and remind them of their weaknesses and failings.

they are not real friends, just people who you used to get drunk with. I think all our friendships and relationships change when we get sober as we become different people with different priorities.

keep strong.

artygirl

Alcoholism is progressive and at some point they won't be so Happy and Free as you say. Everything will crumble especially their health. Consider yourself "lucky" for escaping this baffling, cunning and powerful disease. It is actually your disease that is telling you to be envious.

Life without any purpose is a life not worth living. They will crash and burn.

Keep your chin up and I would avoid that bar if seeing them really affects you.

Once you discover the gift of self love you won't give it another thought.

justhadenough

I agree with pp, avoid that bar

Also. maybe you felt uncomfortable as you can see clearly what these people are really like now you are sober and maybe it is an uncomfortable thought for you that you used to be friends with them.

I know even in just 2 short weeks I am embarrassed at some of the things I used to do/say -I can see more clearly without the wine goggles on, if you see what I mean.

dawnrunner

It's OK I think to mourn for your past self. That was you enjoying the times with these folks, and that part of your life is over. Being just a bit sad when seeing it is the only honest response. Like looking at a book you enjoyed as a child - there's always that sad little note.

It really is like seeing an ex -- I like your analogy! -- an ex whom you left for all the right reasons, but there will always be a bit of tristesse and loss because the past is so gone, and it was never ALL bad.

You however stepped away from the impending train wreck. Which is well done.

Side comment: They don't sound so much like happy hedonists as exploitative parasites, given what they are doing to mother.

Josiegirl

I can imagine how uncomforable that would be. Ugh...

I hope you still go out with your sister and shoot pool... or whatever.

You never know what they are really thinking. Maybe they are jealous that you can go out and have a good time without drinking...

Who knows. Stay strong!

ForeverDecember

Thanks all, again some great responses. It's very helpful to get an outside opinion to help me see the forest and not just the trees.

I think you hit the nail on the head dawn runner. I guess there's a sense of nostalgia and loss associated with the feeling of being 'part of the gang'. Since quitting drinking I don't really do anything with other people, as all my old "friends" were really just drinking buddies. If I wasn't boozing at bar X I'd be boozing at bar Y. Perhaps I was feeling a touch of that loneliness. Plus, it was the first time I've seen the old familiar faces while not being part of the group.

You're right also, justhadenough... I am not surprised at the fact I kept hanging around these people - I would've hung around a rabid pit-bull in order to keep drinking, but I am a bit ashamed that I put up with that rubbish for so long.

zbear23

Booze and drugs....getting high and/or drunk....was the organzing principle in my life. It was the glue that held me together, and without it I had great difficulty being in the company of active drinkers/users. I lacked real purpose.

Drinking was my way of pretending to be happy....sort of whistling past the graveyard. I never knew real happiness until I found recovery...or it found me. Until then my "life" was dominated by a fearful ego. I don't want to judge <G> but I'd bet that your friends are a lot like I was.

I am a member of AA, which emphasizes NEW associations (as does NA). It can feel lonely at first, but the more I got involved with a recover program the better I felt. I made new friends, who actuall behaved like friends rather than people trying to share their misery with me (on the down low, you understand).

I'm done with a life of quiet desperation and pretense.

I send you blessings and the best of love, unity and tolerance.

zb

whatevername

Great post...
Ever hear the song "Life in the fast lane " by the Eagles...thats what the "in crowd" I hung out with was like...in a group they were exactly as you described your friends. Fast cars, motorbikes, big houses , heavy drinking, cocaine, rock n roll, gratuitous sex etc...

When I first went to rehab and got three years clean I went back to my home town and all my friends were doing the exact same thing...it was like the land time forgot...errrie...now about 15 years later I visited again...same thing...only now they grey hair, they are all in mid forties and still acting like they are still highschool cheerleaders and quarterbacks etc...all talking about other people derogatory, including members of their own "group", divorces have happened, cheating lying, stepping on the vunerable...etc...etc...all of them still trying to "out cool" each other...its really pathetic...all they have is themselves now. They live in the same small town and cling together like flies on sh*T, because they know they wont make it anywhere else...

Some have tried and I think they lasted out of town about a year tops.

Weak.

Keep your chin up , things will get better and those feelings of envy or whatever will go overtime. Your not missing out on anything...its them who are missing out. I have been threw all those feelings exactly to a tee, you really couldnt have put it better by comparing it to a bad American teen movie.

I eventually left my hometown for good and now live overseas, I have seen alot of the world, havent always been sober, had a few slips, but I am sure glad my life doesnt involve a group of so called friends like the ones I used to think I had.

Personally I would think a hamster can provide more compassion and understanding than anyone of them possess even as a group whole.

kiknit

Your story is so similar to mine I could have written that post exept I haven't been back to "my bar" since I quit almost four weeks ago. I do plan to stop in, maybe for lunch, as I'm friends with the bartenders and owners. I'm hoping they'll greet me with the usual warmth and welcome, but now I see that it may be very different.
I want to go not only because I miss my favorite salad but more so because I want them to know that I love and care about them whether I'm drinking or not and I'm hoping they feel the same about me. Drinking buddies for sure, but I've shared so much with these people I can't just write them off because I'm not drinking. I know I'll never hang around there the way I used to - almost daily- but it's a small town. I do miss them.

blackoutgirl

FD-
I can totally imagine this scene as you described it. I can imagine that I would have felt uncomfortable as well. My sister was addicted to meth and had to lose 5 or 6 "friends" over quitting.

She ran into them in a bar one evening and no one would talk to her or acknowledge that she had walked in the building, but they knew she was there. She said, " It was almost like they were trying to make me feel bad that I had quit smoking meth!"

That was years ago and she still hasn't talked to them. The one thing that she recognized much later is that they were really never true friends after all. Drugs was the only common denominator.

Just think about how much you have done to better yourself and how hard you have worked on your life. They are the ones that should left out, not you. You're the strong one FD. Don't forget that.

soberlicious

I'm sorry FD I know you were feeling a bit nostalgic and sad after seeing them but honestly by your description they sound like creepy people. I am somewhat grossed out by reading about them lol

You have outgrown them. Like a bad polyester suit from the early 80's ya know...it was super cool at the time but now it's just stupid looking and uncomfortable. It simply doesn't fit anymore...and thank goodness for that, right?

ForeverDecember

Thanks guys. You're all right of course I'm glad I can talk about these things in here and get such understanding, honest responses, without being judged.

The more I think about, the more I realise that I am starting to make new friends - and that's the thing really, you can only make new friends, you can't make old friends! I'm sure I will eventually have close friendships again (but this time real friendships), but it's not something that happens over night. I'm blessed to have my family and partner still, after all I put them through.

sugarbear1

In ten years, you'll be somewhere and they'll see you.....

you in nice clothes with a hot partner holding hands, them, begging for some change.....

YOU HAVE LIMITLESS POSSIBILITIES WHILE SOBER, they will not sitting in a bar pretending "fun"

bmwcycle

So happy for you that you moved on, understand what you are going through. I too lost many friends that I had when I was drinking and at first it hurt but then I realized I had graduated from that life and it was time to move on to a better life.

Best of luck and do not let them get you down.

ForeverDecember

Well, I can put a check next to the hot partner part... (In my eyes anyway )

Thanks for the support guys

instant

Forever
In my expereince intense emotional reactions / instability were a part of sobriety for a good few months. Our emotions have been highjacked by alcohol and now we are in the process of healing from that. It takes a long time. In my book withdrawal is not just the intense physical dramas of the first week. Once we are sober there are many "first times" we have to face sober, in order to reclaim our lives.

In your post there is a strong rejection on their values, so at some level you may have been troubled when you were with these people.

I also think that having some awareness of being small and vulnerable, feeling the associated emotional pain, is a good place to be when you are trying to build a sober life. Being one inch high is better than the unempathic bullet proof grandiosity that the use of alcohol can promote.