Am I being rediculous?
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: NJ
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Am I being rediculous?
Need some feedback please. I have a best friend that lives in the apt above me .She has a 14yr old daughter and they are a little less financially set then me, so Im always having them dowm for dinner, took the 14yr old out and bought her a pair of uggs. Let the 14 yr old use my computer and her puppy put teeth holes in my charger. This is all ok I get it shes 14 Ive been thru a 14 yr old girl my own daughter and they are so self consumed but this is what crushed me tonight. I also have an 11yr old autistic son who loves my friends daughter.Tonight We had to pick my friends daughter up after a meeting and the house we picked her up from is another friend in program so we sat for a minute talking and outta no where my friends 14yr old daughter told me the way mt son makes noises constantly gets on her nerves. My friend looked at me and I felt my heart crack. My friend said you shouldnt make fun of people 14yr old daughter then looked at me and said you should take her aside and tell her how she hurt you! People that dont have these children dont understand how this reaction sets parents with special needs kids off on our own island. This is my best friend yet I feel so far away right now cause she doesnt get it either. Maybe I just need to sleep it off! thanks
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Hi, sorry for your trouble 
I know it's hard not to be upset when this sort of thing happens, especially when the person (target) is innocent and helpless, as your son is - it's surely not his fault if he is somehow annoying the daughter.
My advice would be to remember that she is a 14 year old girl, and she's probably got a whole mess of confusing things going through her head at the moment. Even though kids can act very mature, they still are going through a lot of changes at 14. All the hormones etc would be making her say and do things and not even know why! I was a very nice girl when I was a teen, but I still remember saying some horrible things without really meaning them or meaning to offend. I'd be very surprised if she actually meant to upset you or your son by her comment, she probably just did that thing that all teens do: speak without thinking! It's quite possible that the daughter does know that she's offended you but is embarrassed by her action and so avoiding the subject.
At 14 she's old enough to sit down and talk openly with - if you feel like you need to clear the air. Remember that humans need to 'save face' though, so you might want to give her an 'out' if you do speak to her. Like "I guess you didn't realise how much that comment might of upset me the other day?" that way she can apologise for offending you without being the "bad guy" (she didn't purposely mean to offend you). That's if you decide to talk to her at all - maybe give her and her mother a bit of space for a few days then see how you feel.
I know it's hard not to be upset when this sort of thing happens, especially when the person (target) is innocent and helpless, as your son is - it's surely not his fault if he is somehow annoying the daughter.My advice would be to remember that she is a 14 year old girl, and she's probably got a whole mess of confusing things going through her head at the moment. Even though kids can act very mature, they still are going through a lot of changes at 14. All the hormones etc would be making her say and do things and not even know why! I was a very nice girl when I was a teen, but I still remember saying some horrible things without really meaning them or meaning to offend. I'd be very surprised if she actually meant to upset you or your son by her comment, she probably just did that thing that all teens do: speak without thinking! It's quite possible that the daughter does know that she's offended you but is embarrassed by her action and so avoiding the subject.
At 14 she's old enough to sit down and talk openly with - if you feel like you need to clear the air. Remember that humans need to 'save face' though, so you might want to give her an 'out' if you do speak to her. Like "I guess you didn't realise how much that comment might of upset me the other day?" that way she can apologise for offending you without being the "bad guy" (she didn't purposely mean to offend you). That's if you decide to talk to her at all - maybe give her and her mother a bit of space for a few days then see how you feel.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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Posts: 594
Thank you and you are so right! I have to give them a free pass and forgive them so I dont harbor this poisonous resentment. Its just painfull when I keep getting hit by people that dont understand my son and his disease. I actually wish sometimes I could live a life free of autism like these people.They dont know how blessed they truley are. I love my little guy dont get me wrong he is so happy and affectionate but I !long to talk to him and know who he really is!!
Choosing Life
Join Date: Jun 2009
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I'm so sorry, Heather. That's tough. I also have a son with autism (he's 13). All of his life, we've encountered people who just don't "get it," as I'm sure you have too. My son is nonverbal and pretty severe. It's hard not to take things people say to heart, because that's your baby. I actually find kids and teenagers easier to deal with on this stuff because I embrace it as an "educational moment." Sometimes they are more open-minded than adults are. A few years ago, I took my son and his older brother out to lunch and we were having a lovely time. My son was making his usual vocalizations and doing this hand flapping thing at the table (self stimulation). He wasn't noisy at all, and the restaurant was so loud that nobody could really hear him anyway. Well, there was this older lady (probably in her 60s) on the other side of the wall from our booth, and she kept looking over at us and giving us dirty looks. Finally, she looked at my son, then looked at me and said, "That is irritating as hell." I was stunned. All I could think of to say was, "Well, I'm sorry you are so irritated, but he has autism and there are only so many things that are in mine or his control." My other son was also shocked and couldn't believe someone could be so mean. So I very (loudly) told him (so that she could hear) that some people are just closed-minded, unhappy people and that they take their unhappiness and ignorance out on others. I went on for a few minutes, and then this old biddy asked the waiter to move her to another table. We were able to enjoy our time together after the left, but on the way out, we were walking by her "new" table, and I heard her say "Good riddance." I turned around and said, "What did you say?!" And, here's the kicker ... she said, "You know, if your kid is all screwed up, you should just keep him at home so he's not annoying everyone else." That was all it took. I went completely nuclear on this woman. I didn't just "rip her a new one" ... I ripped her TEN new ones. When I finished, she was hanging her head and the entire restaurant was applauding.
Like you, I've encountered so many people who have been cruel. I no longer stand for it. If someone is staring at my son in the grocery store checkout and is rude about it, I'll say, "He has autism. Any more questions?" Most of the time, the person will say, "I'm so sorry - I didn't know." If people won't educate themselves, I'm more than happy to do it for them.
Keep on keepin' on for your little guy. We are the only advocates they have. Big hugs to you both.
Like you, I've encountered so many people who have been cruel. I no longer stand for it. If someone is staring at my son in the grocery store checkout and is rude about it, I'll say, "He has autism. Any more questions?" Most of the time, the person will say, "I'm so sorry - I didn't know." If people won't educate themselves, I'm more than happy to do it for them.
Keep on keepin' on for your little guy. We are the only advocates they have. Big hugs to you both.
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Wow dessertsong!!!! You are my hero!!! GREAT story!! My son sounds like hes about the same level as yours. Im a cryer though ive had an old man at walmart say to me "Id beat the sh1t outta my kid if he acted that way" I ran out full cart and all blubbering. But your right...I gotta start standing up for him. Im the only person (besides his 18yr old sister who by the way wants to hurt that little 14yr old girl I had to tell her no way!!) that he has his father ran away to california the same month he was diagnosed so...yeah! Thanks for shedding a new light on this for me sweetie!!
JEANS
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Manchester
Posts: 132
There is so many rude people in this world it makes me angry. I've been on the receiving end of similar behaviour as I was born with something that made people stare at me and say hurtful things.
I wished my parents had explained to me what was wrong with me but they were too embarrassed or grossed out i'm not sure. I could never stick up for myself because I didn't know what my problem was until I was 18 and went to a hospital myself.
I think it's great that you want to protect your child, that in itself will make such a difference and make him feel loved and secure.
Does this 14 year old know understand your sons condition? You could explain why he makes those noises and then explain why it would be hurtful to point it out. I too have said things when I was younger and not realised it was offensive, children usually say what they are thinking and it tones down the older you get.
I hope you can sort this out. You sound like a terrific parent and a great friend and I hope you find the strength to overcome these problems.
I wished my parents had explained to me what was wrong with me but they were too embarrassed or grossed out i'm not sure. I could never stick up for myself because I didn't know what my problem was until I was 18 and went to a hospital myself.
I think it's great that you want to protect your child, that in itself will make such a difference and make him feel loved and secure.
Does this 14 year old know understand your sons condition? You could explain why he makes those noises and then explain why it would be hurtful to point it out. I too have said things when I was younger and not realised it was offensive, children usually say what they are thinking and it tones down the older you get.
I hope you can sort this out. You sound like a terrific parent and a great friend and I hope you find the strength to overcome these problems.
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Hi jeans and thank you so much! Yes 14yr old knows hes autistic and has even babysat for an hour while I ran to a nearby meeting. She understands everything totaly its just like you said....kids being kids I have to be the bigger person and LET IT GO! As for your experience growing up...Im so sorry people are cruel but how much more character and strength do YOU have!! Thanks for your support!
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Heather, do you go to any support groups for parents of autistic children, or children with disabilities? I am not sure if they are good, but I know I like support from people who know what I'm going through (like here in SR, and also when my brother was diagnosed with brain cancer and I had a hard time with that).
I have a friend whose son is autistic, but not at the same level. I know when she talks about some of the barriers she's faced it breaks your heart at how ignorant, and worse - wilfully ignorant - some folks can be. Her son was in special school but because he didn't need as much attention as some of the others in the class he pretty much got ignored. She moved him to a regular school and he apparently does quite well. She is very passionate when she talks about the issues she had with that school. Just like you, Heather, the father disappeared when the diagnoses came in
I hope you're having a better day today, try not to get upset by it as in the end it's only you you're hurting, and that's no fun at all.
I have a friend whose son is autistic, but not at the same level. I know when she talks about some of the barriers she's faced it breaks your heart at how ignorant, and worse - wilfully ignorant - some folks can be. Her son was in special school but because he didn't need as much attention as some of the others in the class he pretty much got ignored. She moved him to a regular school and he apparently does quite well. She is very passionate when she talks about the issues she had with that school. Just like you, Heather, the father disappeared when the diagnoses came in
I hope you're having a better day today, try not to get upset by it as in the end it's only you you're hurting, and that's no fun at all.
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Originally Posted by desertsong 
I'm so sorry, Heather. That's tough. I also have a son with autism (he's 13). All of his life, we've encountered people who just don't "get it," as I'm sure you have too. My son is nonverbal and pretty severe. It's hard not to take things people say to heart, because that's your baby. I actually find kids and teenagers easier to deal with on this stuff because I embrace it as an "educational moment." Sometimes they are more open-minded than adults are. A few years ago, I took my son and his older brother out to lunch and we were having a lovely time. My son was making his usual vocalizations and doing this hand flapping thing at the table (self stimulation). He wasn't noisy at all, and the restaurant was so loud that nobody could really hear him anyway. Well, there was this older lady (probably in her 60s) on the other side of the wall from our booth, and she kept looking over at us and giving us dirty looks. Finally, she looked at my son, then looked at me and said, "That is irritating as hell." I was stunned. All I could think of to say was, "Well, I'm sorry you are so irritated, but he has autism and there are only so many things that are in mine or his control." My other son was also shocked and couldn't believe someone could be so mean. So I very (loudly) told him (so that she could hear) that some people are just closed-minded, unhappy people and that they take their unhappiness and ignorance out on others. I went on for a few minutes, and then this old biddy asked the waiter to move her to another table. We were able to enjoy our time together after the left, but on the way out, we were walking by her "new" table, and I heard her say "Good riddance." I turned around and said, "What did you say?!" And, here's the kicker ... she said, "You know, if your kid is all screwed up, you should just keep him at home so he's not annoying everyone else." That was all it took. I went completely nuclear on this woman. I didn't just "rip her a new one" ... I ripped her TEN new ones. When I finished, she was hanging her head and the entire restaurant was applauding.
Like you, I've encountered so many people who have been cruel. I no longer stand for it. If someone is staring at my son in the grocery store checkout and is rude about it, I'll say, "He has autism. Any more questions?" Most of the time, the person will say, "I'm so sorry - I didn't know." If people won't educate themselves, I'm more than happy to do it for them.
Keep on keepin' on for your little guy. We are the only advocates they have. Big hugs to you both.
Like you, I've encountered so many people who have been cruel. I no longer stand for it. If someone is staring at my son in the grocery store checkout and is rude about it, I'll say, "He has autism. Any more questions?" Most of the time, the person will say, "I'm so sorry - I didn't know." If people won't educate themselves, I'm more than happy to do it for them.
Keep on keepin' on for your little guy. We are the only advocates they have. Big hugs to you both.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Sad to say, nearly all of us (me-certainly) have been guilty of treating others badly. I don't think that's the intent...we're not all sociopaths, after all. But, speaking for myself, I am sometimes thoughtless, often lack empathy and being unkind can make me feel powerful. I've worked on these character defects throughout my recovery, and I particulary focus on practicing kindness. But part of MY kindness is forgiving others for the hurt they inflict (most often unintentionally) on others.
The only solution I've ever found for unkindness and other sorts of harm is forgiveness. Easier said than done.
blessings
zb
The only solution I've ever found for unkindness and other sorts of harm is forgiveness. Easier said than done.
blessings
zb
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I don't think that's ordinary for a 14 year old; is a much bigger problem for them than for you. It's not your problem. Miss you in the chat room, Heather! You're my favorite person on sober recovery
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Hi Heather, I have a 14 year old son with autism. Like some of the other posters, I always use these situations as opportunities for education. Autism is still very, very misunderstood. I have come to understand over the years that people often fear what they don't understand...and they often strike out against what they fear. When I get comments or looks, etc from others in response to my son's stimming, "I will often say, Luke has autism. Do you know anyone with autism?" Generally if they've been giving us the hairy eyeball they answer "no" and I say, "well, now you do...meet Luke" and smile.
I have had all the experiences you all have described and to be honest, I no longer judge them as rude or mean, rather simply uninformed/ignorant. Why would I give a rat's ass if an old man at Walmart made a comment? He has a right to his opinion, and it only carries as much weight as I give it. Which is zero. Problem solved.I will not be blown about by every wind.
PS. not to be a stickler here, but autism is not a "disease"
I have had all the experiences you all have described and to be honest, I no longer judge them as rude or mean, rather simply uninformed/ignorant. Why would I give a rat's ass if an old man at Walmart made a comment? He has a right to his opinion, and it only carries as much weight as I give it. Which is zero. Problem solved.I will not be blown about by every wind.
PS. not to be a stickler here, but autism is not a "disease"
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
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I spent 20 years as a special education teache1 and I often taught my students in the community. I also spent time educating the people in the communities, although I represented the public school system, so I HAD to choose my words carefully and watch my demeanor.
Most people who are irritated by other people's behavior are really having their own problems....I would have possibly asked what was really bothering the girl....does that make sensem She may have secretly wanted the attention your son was getting, could be a number of things. It's a "resentment" -, when I am acting out at others, it's because I have a problem with me.
When "strangers" are rude or acting out towards me, I see a person with a problem, even if they are playing God, or really trying to control their envronment. Maybe that older woman had lost a child, maybe she's just angry at the world or just ignorant...
sighs. I want real internet, not this tiny phone. Yes! ignorance prevails. I started studying all about special needs & typical human behavior since 1980, things still need to change!
Ok, I got riled up. Thank you! I am applying for substitute special ed teacher by Saturday!!
Just keep educating people. Most people have their own "special needs moments."
Peace,
Most people who are irritated by other people's behavior are really having their own problems....I would have possibly asked what was really bothering the girl....does that make sensem She may have secretly wanted the attention your son was getting, could be a number of things. It's a "resentment" -, when I am acting out at others, it's because I have a problem with me.
When "strangers" are rude or acting out towards me, I see a person with a problem, even if they are playing God, or really trying to control their envronment. Maybe that older woman had lost a child, maybe she's just angry at the world or just ignorant...
sighs. I want real internet, not this tiny phone. Yes! ignorance prevails. I started studying all about special needs & typical human behavior since 1980, things still need to change!
Ok, I got riled up. Thank you! I am applying for substitute special ed teacher by Saturday!!
Just keep educating people. Most people have their own "special needs moments."
Peace,
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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You are so right sugarbear! I talked to my sponcer and by the end of the conversation I was feeling compasion for the young girl instead of resentment. I wouldnt be able to work this out like this if I wasnt sober so there is another plus to this whole situation Thank you sugarbear1!Hi Soberlicious and thank you also. But if you new me youd know I really dont get upset over every little gust of wind!! This young girl is almost like a family member thats why I had feelings I had to sort out. Sorry I used the term disease for autism I hate the word handicap maybe learning disability.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 133
Hi Heathersweets, I held back a bit on my reply as I couldn't really find the right words to phrase what I wanted to say, Sugarbear1 did it for me. I also work with kids and teenagers, sometimes they say and do the most offensive things imaginable (if an adult was to do these things). Young kids find it easier to make amends for transgressions because they know they're on the learning curve, the teenage years are a lot more difficult. Stupid comments I made when I was that age kept me up for weeks on end, but with little "adult" social experience, it's difficult to approach people and say sorry.
Perhaps the best way to solve this is by trying to show forgiveness and once you're back on really good terms later, have a brief friendly chat about you son's condition.
Perhaps the best way to solve this is by trying to show forgiveness and once you're back on really good terms later, have a brief friendly chat about you son's condition.
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Personally I feel sorry for anyone who has not had the pleasure of meeting, knowing, working with, raising, or loving someone who is "different" by society's standards. Luke came to me exactly as he is for a reason, and I approach every day life with him bearing that in mind. He has taught me far more about life than I could ever hope to teach him.
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Originally Posted by sugarbear1
I spent 20 years as a special education teache1 and I often taught my students in the community. I also spent time educating the people in the communities, although I represented the public school system, so I HAD to choose my words carefully and watch my demeanor.
Most people who are irritated by other people's behavior are really having their own problems....I would have possibly asked what was really bothering the girl....does that make sensem She may have secretly wanted the attention your son was getting, could be a number of things. It's a "resentment" -, when I am acting out at others, it's because I have a problem with me.
When "strangers" are rude or acting out towards me, I see a person with a problem, even if they are playing God, or really trying to control their envronment. Maybe that older woman had lost a child, maybe she's just angry at the world or just ignorant...
sighs. I want real internet, not this tiny phone. Yes! ignorance prevails. I started studying all about special needs & typical human behavior since 1980, things still need to change!
Ok, I got riled up. Thank you! I am applying for substitute special ed teacher by Saturday!!
Just keep educating people. Most people have their own "special needs moments."
Peace,
Most people who are irritated by other people's behavior are really having their own problems....I would have possibly asked what was really bothering the girl....does that make sensem She may have secretly wanted the attention your son was getting, could be a number of things. It's a "resentment" -, when I am acting out at others, it's because I have a problem with me.
When "strangers" are rude or acting out towards me, I see a person with a problem, even if they are playing God, or really trying to control their envronment. Maybe that older woman had lost a child, maybe she's just angry at the world or just ignorant...
sighs. I want real internet, not this tiny phone. Yes! ignorance prevails. I started studying all about special needs & typical human behavior since 1980, things still need to change!
Ok, I got riled up. Thank you! I am applying for substitute special ed teacher by Saturday!!
Just keep educating people. Most people have their own "special needs moments."
Peace,
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Location: NJ
Posts: 594
Originally Posted by soberlicious
Personally I feel sorry for anyone who has not had the pleasure of meeting, knowing, working with, raising, or loving someone who is "different" by society's standards. Luke came to me exactly as he is for a reason, and I approach every day life with him bearing that in mind. He has taught me far more about life than I could ever hope to teach him.
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