Here I go again?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Tobo, one thing I can tell you from experience is that when you're stuck in the middle it's almost like you have 2 scripts or programs running in your brain at the same time. One wants to quit and the other wants to drink. When your sick in withdrawal the want to quit program takes over your CPU (brain), as soon as you feel great again the want to drink program starts to run in full force. That's why quitting with just books can be incredibly hard.
When I finally threw in the towel I had completely worn out my want to drink program but it took me almost 3 decades to do that. Langkah is 100% correct in that having actual flesh and blood people to deal with could make all the difference in the world. It might be a hassle to have to go to meetings but if it saves your life is it not worth it? I'd give the meetings at least a year, you may fall in love with the program and sponser other people or you may decide that it's not for you at least you'll be making the decision from a sober perspective.
When I finally threw in the towel I had completely worn out my want to drink program but it took me almost 3 decades to do that. Langkah is 100% correct in that having actual flesh and blood people to deal with could make all the difference in the world. It might be a hassle to have to go to meetings but if it saves your life is it not worth it? I'd give the meetings at least a year, you may fall in love with the program and sponser other people or you may decide that it's not for you at least you'll be making the decision from a sober perspective.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Backtosquareone, that is so well written. It's like you read my mind. I am really worried what the future may bring. I know I'm gonna want to drink in the future. I'm gonna try and stay in today tho.
I went to a second meeting tonight. It was ok but I can already feel the doubt and skepticism easing back in. Now I have to deal with work tomorrow. Hopefully I will not lose my job.
I went to a second meeting tonight. It was ok but I can already feel the doubt and skepticism easing back in. Now I have to deal with work tomorrow. Hopefully I will not lose my job.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Originally Posted by stepping 
Welcome back Tobo. I am sorry that you had a bad weekend... Today is a new day..you CAN do this. Of course you are going to be scared BUT let the fact that you are in control of not drinking take you over 
you can do this!!! I know you want it bad enough...i have followed your journey from early on! I am here for you as all these other people at SR are!!
you can do this!!! I know you want it bad enough...i have followed your journey from early on! I am here for you as all these other people at SR are!!Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: « USA » Recovered with AVRT (Rational Recovery) ___________
Posts: 3,680
Tobo, chain yourself to a radiator if you need to. I'm not ashamed to admit that at one point I offered a friend some money to lock me in his basement for a week with a book and some meals-ready-to-eat. Old school rehab.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Tobo,
Write down how you feel at this moment about drinking and put it in your wallet. Then when the idea passes through your mind that you want a drink get it out and read it.
Look, I'll be honest here: if you don't stop drinking you are probably going to suffer some major consequences and soon. You don't drink normally. You can't control what happens once you start. The only safe way that I know for someone in your position is to not start drinking.
Urges last for about 6 minutes. When you get the urge to drink time it and see how long your urges last. Prove me wrong!
I know you don't like AA. Fine. But if you go to a meeting at least you aren't drinking for that hour. Perhaps you can help someone there that is worse off than you, even by just saying hello to him/her.
It won't get better if you don't stop. . . at least it didn't for me until I did.
Write down how you feel at this moment about drinking and put it in your wallet. Then when the idea passes through your mind that you want a drink get it out and read it.
Look, I'll be honest here: if you don't stop drinking you are probably going to suffer some major consequences and soon. You don't drink normally. You can't control what happens once you start. The only safe way that I know for someone in your position is to not start drinking.
Urges last for about 6 minutes. When you get the urge to drink time it and see how long your urges last. Prove me wrong!
I know you don't like AA. Fine. But if you go to a meeting at least you aren't drinking for that hour. Perhaps you can help someone there that is worse off than you, even by just saying hello to him/her.
It won't get better if you don't stop. . . at least it didn't for me until I did.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 325
I needed to reach the point where I HAD to give up the notion that I had all the answers and knew what was best for me. I had to give in and do a lot of things I didn't want to do. I had to go to AA meetings when I wanted to do other things. I read SR when I wanted to go out on the weekends. I gave up my social life to help my chances of staying sober. I had to get a sponsor and put myself out there when I didn't want to talk to anyone. I had to begin working the steps with my sponsor even though I felt I could do them myself. I didn't like the way I was told how to do certain steps, but I did them anyways. I had to make amends to people I didn't want to. I had to get a service commitment even though I had a million better things to do. I had to drive people I didn't even know to meetings, when I didn't want to go to the meeting in the first place. I had to turn down dates with cute girls because I didn't want to be around drinking. I had to awkwardly explain to people why I wasn't drinking when I didn't want to. I had to tell people I was in recovery when I didn't even like some of the people in the first place. I had change old habits when I didn't want to. I had to open up to people I didn't know for that long. I had to surrender to a program and admit I was powerless over alcohol after I had put years of work trying to gain control of everything. I had to make 7 am morning meetings and went to work a few minutes late because sobriety became the most important thing for me.
You know what I got doing this for my 15 months of sobriety?
I don't have to think about drinking all the time or how bad my hangover will be. I don't have to check my online bank to see how much I spent at the bar last night. I don't have to run to the toilet and throw up at 6 am. I don't have to reach for a beer at 7 am to try and feel better. I don't have to watch the road like a hawk, not knowing if I'm over the limit when driving. I don't have to wonder what I did the night before when I blacked out. I don't have to mix drinking different kinds of drinks to try and beat a hangover. I don't have to call my boss at lunch and tell him that my car broke down because I actually drank too much at lunch trying to kill a hangover. I don't have to go into work still drunk wondering how bad I am going to feel when the alcohol wears off. I don't have to worry about a drunken fight with a girlfriend. I don't have to cancel plans because I drank too much. I don't have to act like everything is alright when I'm at a function hungover, when I really know there is no way I could ever feel worse. I don't have to lie about how many drinks I've had to my significant other. I don't have to sneak drinks so that it doesn't look like I'm getting wasted. I don't need to use any drugs to try and calm myself down. I don't have to worry if it's ok to start drinking when I took a xanax 4 hours ago. I don't have to let alcohol control my every move.
I get to share my experience with others so that they know first hand that putting the work needed for recovery is worth it. I get to be in a healthy relationship with a great girl. I get to work for myself and do what I'm passionate about. I get to enjoy the ups and downs of life and not freak out over every little thing. I get to show my parents how much I love them. I get satisfaction knowing that everyone can count on me. I get to be open and honest with everyone. I get to hang around quality people that make the world a better place. I get to rejoice with people when they get a raise. I get to enjoy walking my dog in the morning. I get to praise my higher power for being there for me through thick and thin. I get to pray for people that they get the same blessings that I got. I get to give what little I have sometimes so that someone can be a little better off. I get to see what my life really has to offer. I get to see the positive changes in those around me. I get the chance to receive support when I need it. I get to live the life I've always wanted.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
You know what I got doing this for my 15 months of sobriety?
I don't have to think about drinking all the time or how bad my hangover will be. I don't have to check my online bank to see how much I spent at the bar last night. I don't have to run to the toilet and throw up at 6 am. I don't have to reach for a beer at 7 am to try and feel better. I don't have to watch the road like a hawk, not knowing if I'm over the limit when driving. I don't have to wonder what I did the night before when I blacked out. I don't have to mix drinking different kinds of drinks to try and beat a hangover. I don't have to call my boss at lunch and tell him that my car broke down because I actually drank too much at lunch trying to kill a hangover. I don't have to go into work still drunk wondering how bad I am going to feel when the alcohol wears off. I don't have to worry about a drunken fight with a girlfriend. I don't have to cancel plans because I drank too much. I don't have to act like everything is alright when I'm at a function hungover, when I really know there is no way I could ever feel worse. I don't have to lie about how many drinks I've had to my significant other. I don't have to sneak drinks so that it doesn't look like I'm getting wasted. I don't need to use any drugs to try and calm myself down. I don't have to worry if it's ok to start drinking when I took a xanax 4 hours ago. I don't have to let alcohol control my every move.
I get to share my experience with others so that they know first hand that putting the work needed for recovery is worth it. I get to be in a healthy relationship with a great girl. I get to work for myself and do what I'm passionate about. I get to enjoy the ups and downs of life and not freak out over every little thing. I get to show my parents how much I love them. I get satisfaction knowing that everyone can count on me. I get to be open and honest with everyone. I get to hang around quality people that make the world a better place. I get to rejoice with people when they get a raise. I get to enjoy walking my dog in the morning. I get to praise my higher power for being there for me through thick and thin. I get to pray for people that they get the same blessings that I got. I get to give what little I have sometimes so that someone can be a little better off. I get to see what my life really has to offer. I get to see the positive changes in those around me. I get the chance to receive support when I need it. I get to live the life I've always wanted.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Washington
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by Nirvana1
I needed to reach the point where I HAD to give up the notion that I had all the answers and knew what was best for me. I had to give in and do a lot of things I didn't want to do. I had to go to AA meetings when I wanted to do other things. I read SR when I wanted to go out on the weekends. I gave up my social life to help my chances of staying sober. I had to get a sponsor and put myself out there when I didn't want to talk to anyone. I had to begin working the steps with my sponsor even though I felt I could do them myself. I didn't like the way I was told how to do certain steps, but I did them anyways. I had to make amends to people I didn't want to. I had to get a service commitment even though I had a million better things to do. I had to drive people I didn't even know to meetings, when I didn't want to go to the meeting in the first place. I had to turn down dates with cute girls because I didn't want to be around drinking. I had to awkwardly explain to people why I wasn't drinking when I didn't want to. I had to tell people I was in recovery when I didn't even like some of the people in the first place. I had change old habits when I didn't want to. I had to open up to people I didn't know for that long. I had to surrender to a program and admit I was powerless over alcohol after I had put years of work trying to gain control of everything. I had to make 7 am morning meetings and went to work a few minutes late because sobriety became the most important thing for me.
You know what I got doing this for my 15 months of sobriety?
I don't have to think about drinking all the time or how bad my hangover will be. I don't have to check my online bank to see how much I spent at the bar last night. I don't have to run to the toilet and throw up at 6 am. I don't have to reach for a beer at 7 am to try and feel better. I don't have to watch the road like a hawk, not knowing if I'm over the limit when driving. I don't have to wonder what I did the night before when I blacked out. I don't have to mix drinking different kinds of drinks to try and beat a hangover. I don't have to call my boss at lunch and tell him that my car broke down because I actually drank too much at lunch trying to kill a hangover. I don't have to go into work still drunk wondering how bad I am going to feel when the alcohol wears off. I don't have to worry about a drunken fight with a girlfriend. I don't have to cancel plans because I drank too much. I don't have to act like everything is alright when I'm at a function hungover, when I really know there is no way I could ever feel worse. I don't have to lie about how many drinks I've had to my significant other. I don't have to sneak drinks so that it doesn't look like I'm getting wasted. I don't need to use any drugs to try and calm myself down. I don't have to worry if it's ok to start drinking when I took a xanax 4 hours ago. I don't have to let alcohol control my every move.
I get to share my experience with others so that they know first hand that putting the work needed for recovery is worth it. I get to be in a healthy relationship with a great girl. I get to work for myself and do what I'm passionate about. I get to enjoy the ups and downs of life and not freak out over every little thing. I get to show my parents how much I love them. I get satisfaction knowing that everyone can count on me. I get to be open and honest with everyone. I get to hang around quality people that make the world a better place. I get to rejoice with people when they get a raise. I get to enjoy walking my dog in the morning. I get to praise my higher power for being there for me through thick and thin. I get to pray for people that they get the same blessings that I got. I get to give what little I have sometimes so that someone can be a little better off. I get to see what my life really has to offer. I get to see the positive changes in those around me. I get the chance to receive support when I need it. I get to live the life I've always wanted.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
You know what I got doing this for my 15 months of sobriety?
I don't have to think about drinking all the time or how bad my hangover will be. I don't have to check my online bank to see how much I spent at the bar last night. I don't have to run to the toilet and throw up at 6 am. I don't have to reach for a beer at 7 am to try and feel better. I don't have to watch the road like a hawk, not knowing if I'm over the limit when driving. I don't have to wonder what I did the night before when I blacked out. I don't have to mix drinking different kinds of drinks to try and beat a hangover. I don't have to call my boss at lunch and tell him that my car broke down because I actually drank too much at lunch trying to kill a hangover. I don't have to go into work still drunk wondering how bad I am going to feel when the alcohol wears off. I don't have to worry about a drunken fight with a girlfriend. I don't have to cancel plans because I drank too much. I don't have to act like everything is alright when I'm at a function hungover, when I really know there is no way I could ever feel worse. I don't have to lie about how many drinks I've had to my significant other. I don't have to sneak drinks so that it doesn't look like I'm getting wasted. I don't need to use any drugs to try and calm myself down. I don't have to worry if it's ok to start drinking when I took a xanax 4 hours ago. I don't have to let alcohol control my every move.
I get to share my experience with others so that they know first hand that putting the work needed for recovery is worth it. I get to be in a healthy relationship with a great girl. I get to work for myself and do what I'm passionate about. I get to enjoy the ups and downs of life and not freak out over every little thing. I get to show my parents how much I love them. I get satisfaction knowing that everyone can count on me. I get to be open and honest with everyone. I get to hang around quality people that make the world a better place. I get to rejoice with people when they get a raise. I get to enjoy walking my dog in the morning. I get to praise my higher power for being there for me through thick and thin. I get to pray for people that they get the same blessings that I got. I get to give what little I have sometimes so that someone can be a little better off. I get to see what my life really has to offer. I get to see the positive changes in those around me. I get the chance to receive support when I need it. I get to live the life I've always wanted.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Thank you for all of the support and advice everyone. Nirvana that was a great post I plan to go back reread through them this evening. I just got home from work and that went ok. My boss didn't say anything about me missing work. But it's been an issue in the past.
I'm about to go for a run and then make some dinner. I'm supposed to meet the guy I asked yesterday to sponsor me tonight. It's at a meeting thats not real close and it's a later meeting. I'm usually in bed pretty early but he has given me his time so I need to follow through. I'm so mentally screwed up right now that I could scream. I don't want to let go of my drinking. I don't want to admit defeat. I'm embarrassed to have to go to aa. I'm scared of what life will be like. How lame and boring I will become. I worried about how things are gonna be when I lose my resolve to stay sober, when the sting of this hangover wears off.
But I don't know what else to do. I wanted to try and pursue other methods like rr/avrt but I think I need something more in my immediate vacinity. It's to easy for me to "change my mind" and try controlling the booze. How long can i get away doing what I'm doing? I manage some control some of the time, only to have a major binge on the weekend. I'm going to get arrested or worse. I always swear off the drugs, but once I'm drunk I go to any lengths to get them. I'm going to end up getting killed or killing myself bc of the subsequent depression if I continue on this path.
I'm about to go for a run and then make some dinner. I'm supposed to meet the guy I asked yesterday to sponsor me tonight. It's at a meeting thats not real close and it's a later meeting. I'm usually in bed pretty early but he has given me his time so I need to follow through. I'm so mentally screwed up right now that I could scream. I don't want to let go of my drinking. I don't want to admit defeat. I'm embarrassed to have to go to aa. I'm scared of what life will be like. How lame and boring I will become. I worried about how things are gonna be when I lose my resolve to stay sober, when the sting of this hangover wears off.
But I don't know what else to do. I wanted to try and pursue other methods like rr/avrt but I think I need something more in my immediate vacinity. It's to easy for me to "change my mind" and try controlling the booze. How long can i get away doing what I'm doing? I manage some control some of the time, only to have a major binge on the weekend. I'm going to get arrested or worse. I always swear off the drugs, but once I'm drunk I go to any lengths to get them. I'm going to end up getting killed or killing myself bc of the subsequent depression if I continue on this path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Just got back from a meeting. Also went out for a bit with my sponsor. We talked about my situation and he gave me a few things to do for the next week. I'm gonna give it a real try and also try and quiet the disturbance in my head. So day two is pretty much in the books. Tomorrow is the next challenge
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
Tobo, when I quit most of the anxiety and depression went away over the course of about a year. When I drank I had constant racing thoughts, like you just couldn't quiet your mind down, thought I was going off the deep end. A lot of that type of thing will improve over time just by virtue of getting the booze out of your life.
The early days can be tricky so be extra cautious. The cravings and obsession also left completely over time. The biggest thrill is to actually have a quiet mind, that's something I hadn't known for quite a while. Hang in there Tobo.
The early days can be tricky so be extra cautious. The cravings and obsession also left completely over time. The biggest thrill is to actually have a quiet mind, that's something I hadn't known for quite a while. Hang in there Tobo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 127
Well I'm not comfortable sharing the details bc it is the www, but it was something I never did before. It's strong and not supposed to be mixed with booze. They said my bac was like .28 supposedly I was found about a block from my house and taken to hospital.
Then I drank and partyed for next three days. Why do I do this to myself? This always happens when I get dumped. I'm so self destructive
Then I drank and partyed for next three days. Why do I do this to myself? This always happens when I get dumped. I'm so self destructive
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