DreamNPink

So I posted a blog that goes into more detail, but long story short I'm an alcoholic. I want help...but I don't want help. I feel like I don't know how I'm going to function without it. Does that mean I'm setting myself up to fail? It's almost like I'm trying to think of anything I can that makes it okay for me to keep drinking. Like tapering off. I've done that in my head before..."Oh one less drink means I'm just starting slow"....then the one more drink finds it's way into my hand in the middle of a blackout. I can logically tell myself every single reason why I should stop, so why is it so hard? I've never been addicted to anything in my life and it's just so frustrating to know that I'm destroying everything a little at a time and I just keep on drinking. I want help so bad...and then I think "What would I do if I didn't drink? How would I feel?" and it makes me not want it anymore. Is that just part of it? I want to be able to say that I want with EVERYTHING to stop, but then there's that little part I can hear that just keeps begging for it. I need help

DayTrader

That's EXACTLY how I felt Dream. Knew I needed to stop on one hand...but kinda-sorta didn't want to on the other. Ah....there's a lot more but I won't go into all the boring details.

You may hear, "you have to WANT recovery to get it." I'm proof that such a statement isn't always true. I got sober without really wanting it. Granted, I had some help from a couple judges on the "not drinking" part of it (lol) and I wound up (not by chance, I'm sure) with some ppl in AA who were dead-nuts serious about working the steps...and though I fought most of it early on, I did start to work the program.

I didn't like a lot of it...disagreed with plenty of it.....but, as I worked the steps, there was no denying that I was starting to feel better - and that gave me some hope that this stupid AA thing might be for real and, more importantly to me, it might even work for me (I was convinced it wasn't good for me and didn't believe it would work for me).

I'm not here to be a cheerleader for AA (well, I kinda am....lol...but I'm willing to set that aside) but what I can tell you is that you're possibly dealing with alcoholism. Alcoholism is far more than just a "I drink too much" problem and it's more than just an "I'm addicted to drinking booze" deal.

I'll also tell you that 100% recovery from the stuff in your post is absolutely possible. Be greedy in your recovery....don't settle for anything less than a happy content life that you enjoy.....forever. Sure, it's "one day at a time" but that doesn't mean we need to white-knuckle it through not drinking one day at a time.

Try to keep an open mind and do some exploring. Try to take as honest a look back at your drinking past as you can (you're already off to a better start than I was at your stage) as it will help you with determining where you are with drinking and alcoholism now.

DreamNPink

Thank you DayTrader. I felt like I was wrong or couldn't get better because I felt that way. That meant a lot to me.

2granddaughters

Being an alcoholic is like having 2 (or more dogs ) fighting in my head, like the 3 Stooges are running amok
When the dogs get fighting I try to feed my AA dog !!

DreamNPink

That's a good way of thinking of it 2granddaughters! Thank you so much!

least

my answers are: anything i want, anytime i want, and so much better too; and, it feels wonderful that i don't hate myself anymore.

DayTrader

I felt that way for many months....even after I felt like I'd really "bought into the program." All my life I've felt like I'm behind...not measuring up to my potential.....capable of soooo much more if only I'd "x" or "y," etc. That thinking persisted into sobriety too - continually feeling like I'm not working it right, like I'm not doing enough, like I need to "get" everything right now, like I need to work every step and every facet of recovery perfectly.

Somehow I was even able to completely ignore that the obsession to drink was completely gone 99.9% of the time and I WAS getting a lot better....and instead focus on all the things I hadn't received in recovery, all the promises that hadn't come true yet, all the mistakes I was making along the way, etc.

I'm not going to push AA here....you can do it or not, that's up to you. One thing I really appreciate about the program though is that for someone like me, I didn't have to change my thinking or my beliefs to get better. I did have to work the program (often, against my wanting to) but that's it. I didn't have to wait for my thinking to come around, to get to really "want" it, and to believe in it or like it.....I just had to DO it.

Ideally one would want to to....then do. I did anyway (usually after plenty of protest - lol) and only came to believe after the fact.

desertsong

I felt that way too. Knew I should get help but didn't really want to, even though alcohol was making my life a living hell. Eventually I figured out that I wanted to NOT drink more than I wanted TO drink. That didn't mean I didn't want to drink anymore, though ... the day before I stopped drinking, I got so depressed. I thought, "If I can't drink, what do I have?!" I had to get sober to see how much I really DO have, and I almost threw it all away with my drinking.

I guess I'm saying it's okay to be ambivalent about quitting. For me it ultimately came down to either a) continue drinking and destroy my family, my health and my life and eventually go insane or die from it, or b) get sober and enjoy whatever life I have left to live. The decision, while still difficult (that's the insanity of it!), was obvious.