GregMan

I did it again. With several months of proud sobriety behind me, I turned my back on my program. There was no temptation or circumstance that made it harder for me, I just decided to drink, on a whim. I reflect on an old saying in AA, "Cunning, baffling, and powerful". I've read so many books on addiction, with conflicting ideals. Some say, "Never program yourself to beleive that this stupid liquid has power over you, once you do that you have brainwashed yourself into beleiving a non-entity has power over you" and yet the only people who have ever given me advice that really helped was in the fellowship. I feel like I've betrayed allot of people, my sponsor especially, whom I didn't call. This thing is with us always. I just managed to eat some food and drank a half gallon of water. I'm grateful that this wont turn into another bender, as I have the alcohol out of my system now. But as I stated, I'm really disturbed by the fact that this thing doesnt go away. There was a while when I was sober that I thought it was a virtue to be an alcoholic, it was a struggle that most people didnt have to endure, something that I'd dealt with and beaten, something that made me stronger. But having fallen back into it, I'm not too sure. For those that read this, thanks for listening.

ForeverDecember

Sorry to hear Greg, but it sounds like you've gotten some good out of the experience.

I won't tell you it was OK, "don't beat yourself up over it", but I won't condemn you either, nor should anyone else. The important thing is that you've fallen, you know it, you know where you want to be instead, and you know how to get there.

Thanks for posting this, it takes a lot of strength to do so. You may be doubting your virtues, but I have a lot of respect for you to be able to confront and confess this.

instant

It doesn't go away. Once I could accept it, I could find a different way other than trying to "beat it".

Once I could accept it, I was no longer disturbed, I was relieved.

I hope you can find a way to peace for yourself.

Dee74

I'm not sure seeing ourselves as failures helps.
If this deal was easy SR wouldn't be here.

No it doesn't go away - but it doesn't need to be a spectre hanging over our heads or a combatant to endlessly struggle with either IMO, Greg.

I just had to accept I can't drink if I want to be the man I want to be and have the life I want to lead...but that acceptance, and making my peace with it, took me 15 years.

Don't take as long as I did.

GregMan

Dee: "I'm not sure seeing ourselves as failures helps." I certainly don't reflect on the incident and consider myself a failure in any general sense. Taking a drink was a failure, not me. Again, I'm just mostly frightened by the fact that this disease never stops haunting us, it never gets better. I've met men as old as 70, who attend AA regularly, who have had the plug in the jug for 30 plus years. Somehow it doesnt sink in to my flawed mind, that I can never have that first drink, EVER. I have allot of learning to do, I need to listen to people like you and many others on this site, as well as my sponsor, people who truly know how to live sober. One of my biggest fears today is that I'll always be alone, who wants to be with someone who cant even enjoy a glass of wine on a date? I suppose thats why my sponsor told me not to date until I had at least 6 months behind me.

pangur

@Gregman, from your post I found great inspiration, perhaps you feel negatively about what happened. Sure, you slipped up, but you refused to be drawn in completely. The booze got in there with a lucky punch, but you put your guard straight back up. Thanks for sharing with us.

langkah

There is the way we'd prefer things to be, which is utterly meaningless, and the way things are, which is critically important.

If you can recognize the element of self-will in your fantasies of how you'd like alcoholism to be, what will be required for you to deal with it and for how long, and which silly ideas are so very attractive to you simply because they make you feel good but have little substance, then perhaps you can start to let some of them go and begin to make your peace with what is some seriously bad news.

Easy, comfortable, quick, and pleasant ideas are out there to try if you want.

You could envision yourself as a unique individual that through his incredible power of self-will has beaten something that might be a problem to others but because of your wonderful insights and positive application of logical tools for better living you have now morphed into a new being, without trappings or baggage from your past and who will be a beam of light shining into the dark world going forward forever from this point.

That's sure what I'd prefer to be so, but pitiful drunken episodes kept ruining and interrupting my beautiful mental movie. I couldn't stay with the script I'd written out. What should have been a romantic and intellectually satisfying comedy would fall into horror and tragedy. Had to give it up for a reality show which proved to be facinating.

endlesspatience

I feel strengthened to read your post. Not least of which your astute observation of where you received the most help - ie the Fellowship. Last time I relapsed I was not following a programme either. Since returning to the meetings and reconnecting with the group it has become easier. Certainly if I look at where I am now compared to my state following my previous relapse, there's a world of difference. I hope that's true for you too.

keithj

Greg, that's the nature of alcoholism as I know it. It's also the nature of Step 1. When I look back at my experience, those weren't times that I really 'decided' to have a drink. Those were times when I was unable to decide not to have a drink. The insane idea won out with very little resistance or defense on my part.

Experiencing the powerlessness I had over alcohol never did me much good in overcoming it. What it did do, was give me the desperation necessary to take the rest of the Steps and recover.

GregMan

I spoke to my sponsor this morning, we're going to a noon meeting. Honestly, I feel pretty naive. I'm very young in my sobriety, and my attitude has become warped. To be arrogant enough to beleive somehow I'll be able to "get over" or "defeat" this thing is an insult to everything I've learned about it. To whine and be remorseful about the fact that it is a life long illness is nothing more than self pity. While it was suggested to me that I attend 90 meetings in the next 90 days, I will be attending 5 a week until I regain an appropriate attitude. Thank you to everyone who has shared.

desertsong

Alcohol IS cunning, baffling, and powerful. It is also patient. It never goes away, it just lies in wait ... and it can wait forever. In my AA women's group last Saturday, someone shared that she had been sober for 27 years and then relapsed last November. It was such a sad story. She ended up in rehab for 4 weeks and is now in an outpatient program and AA working on her sobriety again.

The point is, relapse can happen to any of us at any time, for any reason. That's why we just take things day to day, hour by hour, minute by minute. I, too, have relapsed twice - this is my third time getting sober, and it's going to be my last. I'm still early in my sobriety (Day 10) and I've had moments of weakness when I want to drink but I haven't this time. What helps me is remembering (and journaling) all of the terrible, ugly things I did and said when I was drunk, and how horrible I felt physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I don't ever want to go back to that dark ugly place, and whenever I'm tempted to pick up, I read what I've written in my journal and that's about all it takes to make that temptation go away.

I'm glad you're going to a meeting today. I'm doing the 90/90 and it's doing me a world of good. Stay with it. You can do this.

DayTrader

The good news here Greg, from what I'm reading anyway, is that it's given you a different perspective - and I think it's a healthy one. Sooner or later, all of us who "have' alcoholism have to get serious about doing something to treat it, OR ELSE.

Ha, from what I've seen in my time in AA......the decision to get serious about recovery doesn't usually come as the result of "good things" happening in our life.....it's usually on the heels of something bad happening.....again.....that we don't want to re-live.

shaun00

So you drank after being stone cold sober.......After, im guessing a hell of a lot of experience of what happens when you drink...

No temptation...No circumstance and yet you find yourself drunk all over again.....does that sound insane to you ?.......sure does and did to me.

So is it about booze in the first place?...considering you wasn't physically craving booze..considering you have stark evidence of what happens when you do ?
and yet..............

Alcoholism.......a fatal illness of the mind....and like you, i have creaking bookshelf full of books that i can lose myself in....normally my ego tells i need to know the most and i need to look from every inconceivable angle....BS.

So my mind is sick...fatally sick given enough time.....because heres the kicker.....im doomed to drink period....like you, i will find myself in the bar baffled and cursing ....Over and over.
So knowing that i need to treat my mind......in fact, lets completely re-new it because ...in my experience time is limited....its that stark.

In my experience the book alcoholics anonymous had the answer to the conundrum of ...cant drink ...cant stay sober....led me to a renewing of my mind..... CONTINGENT on me ..the insane guy.....basing my life on spiritual principles as out lined in the book.....im saying that to myself...often : )

Please don't let alcoholism kid you into thinking you have plenty of time...to ponder, analyse ...ponder some more.....in my experience alcoholics without a program disappear quick.

Thats my experience....i needed one book...an aa sponsor....some willingness and an open-mind .

shaun00

sorry ...just briefly........90 meeting may not help you...and then is purely my own personal experience...
I will be taking ALL 12 steps starting from Tuesday night and posting my experiences in the 12 step forum.....at the top of page 1 through to 12.

Be real good to see you there.....maybe you could post some experience or we could bounce around some ideas..feel free to message me any time greg

PaperDolls

As others have said, you are not a failure. Many of us have been through similar experiences.

That's the deal .... we drink even when we don't want to. Talk about insanity!

What step where you working on with your sponsor? Do you need to go back to step 1? I feel I need to be reminded of the first three steps on a daily basis. I don't consider myself a slow learner per se but I'm a quick forgettor for sure.

Besides going to lots of meetings during the week it was important for me to meet with my sponsor on a regular basis (weekly) and work the steps. The steps is where you get the good stuff.

NYCDoglvr

You didn't fail anyone, certainly not your sponsor. We all make decision on whether to pick up a drink or pick up a phone. It was my self-will, my best thinking, that landed me on the front door of AA where I learned humility, honesty and turning my will over. After staying sober a long time, I still go to meetings but my alcoholism doesn't define me, it is simply part of who I am. Like a diabetic takes insulin, we get meds at meetings. You'll be fine ... you just taught yourself a lesson ("there are good experiences and then there are learning experiences").

It helps me to remember that alcoholism is a mental illness. It's not a disease of the elbow after all.

TheEnd

If I were you, I would do some serious soul searching and find out why you took that drink or this incident may repeat its self. I too relapsed a while back after having several months of sobriety and I was baffled by the experience at the "time". At I reflected on this incident, I realized what happened and it wasn't cunning or baffling. I was tired of being a non-drinker and living a life of sobriety. That's my story. You have to find yours.