stillhopingjean

Hi folks..Day 1 yet again. The last few times I have quit what has sent me back to the bottle is the realisation that over the last 15 years I have become a real a**hole, verbally abusing my dear husband, making stupid decisions, losing friends, you name it I have probably done it. I feel so very hopeless. I don't think I can manage the thought that I have screwed up my life so badly it's not fixable, and it would be better to die. How do people ever forgive themselves for being what the alcohol turned them into?
Thanks,
Jeannie

Sunny27

You have to forgive yourself and know that under the influence is not who you really are.

I was seeing a lovely guy recently and sent nasty messages when I'd had too much to drink. I apologised and he knows that that was not the real me (he is a non-drinker for 10 years so knows what I was feeling afterwards).

No point in dwelling on it - my aim is to learn from it so I never repeat those bad behaviours.

Forgive yourself and work on your recovery. That is more important than anything else because you can't change the past.

Take care jean and all the best on forgiving yourself and building a sober and happy life for you and your family.

Sunny xx

Mark75

Hi jean...

AA has much to offer you... To help you understand, and to help you find a way back, to clear wreckage and free you from the bondage of self. Have you looked into it?

stillhopingjean

Thanks Sunny and Mark. I've tried AA in the past and it wasn't a good 'fit' for me - I do better with CBT methods and AVRT. Which I am going to start again.
This quit is inspired by the way my life has gotten so much worse in a few short months, plus the progression of my alcoholism - I now have the horrible panicky fears of nothing, and am afraid to even cross a street by myself - that's fairly new. Waking at 3 am terror stricken with no idea what I am scared of.. treating people badly, getting joy out of nothing, wanting to die. There has to be a better life out there.

J

Mark75

Only one question, then I won't say anything more about AA.

Did you get into the steps... Inventory, higher power, amends, all that? Getting out of your fear based existence!!

dawnrunner

Every morning when we wake up, a miracle has happened; We are given a chance to start over.

I can never get over how fabulous this is; what did we do to deserve this??! Every time I see a sunrise I practically explode with happiness and amazement. And I have had some really screwed-up mornings.

Every choice you make from that first moment of consciousness is a fresh beginning. You may have made some mistakes. You may have created a terrible mess and left a path of hurt.

But now you get the chance to be better. And better and better, stronger, more joyous, more alive, more kind, on and on.

NewxYork

On day one your always going to feel like sh*t, you forgive yourself once your brain gets back into balance and your not having emotional swings. Your anxiety is got you feeling unstable, try to care for your body right now and you'll forgive yourself when your ready.

Dee74

I don't believe anyone's life is unfixable Jean, although it's a common thought for most of us...drinking makes us despair.

I was the neighbourhood drunk...lost friends, lost partners, lost careers...it would not have taken much for me to not have the money to pay the rent and end up being a homeless bum.

I nearly died from my drinking.

I turned my life around - you can too

there's a lot of support, encouragement and ideas here Jean

D

Alana1

Hi Jean,
I really believe that in time with a sober view, we can indeed forgive ourselfs. It is part of the process for us to heal . Stay strong and know you are not alone and you are loved and supported. Baby steps to start with.
A.

stillhopingjean

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the hopeful words. Mark, to answer your Q - I probably never gave the Steps a serious try. I was in rehab a few years ago for 28 days - I think we got to Step 3.

GirlFromCO

There absolutely is. There's a better life waiting for you in sobriety. I did a lot of really terrible things when I was drinking. I didn't really believe people at first when they said I wouldn't feel bad about it forever, but it's true. You can come to an understanding of what went wrong once you stop the chaos, and that will lead you to forgiveness and acceptance, and peace. You don't have to live like this.

artsoul

Hi Jean -

It's a vicious cycle..... the drinking, the feeling sick/guilty/anxious/depressed, then back to drinking. It really is hard to see any way out when we're in the middle of it. I remember just hoping I'd get through the day - anything else seemed overwhelming.

The good news is that you really will feel positive about yourself in sobriety. If you feel you cant' stop, have you ever considered inpatient? It was a great experience for me.

We're here for you!

2granddaughters

Jeannie, sounds like you're just about ready to surrender.
Once you do, AA can make a new girl out of you.

Good luck from another Canuck

needtostop1

Today was day one for me again. The anxiety is worse than ever but I kept getting up and looking over these forums. Made me realize I was not alone or going crazy.

Hevyn

Jean - I felt that way too, but I knew if I didn't stop with the guilt & remorse I'd destroy my chances at a new life. As Sunny said, the drunk Jean is not the real Jean. I became a completely different person when I drank, but I knew I had to forget about her and find the real me again.

I spent years in the cycle that artsoul mentioned. Just as I began to come out into the sun, I'd be bombarded with terrible memories that would send me right back down again. One day I stood up and said no more. I had held myself down for too long by being numb and foggy - I had to give myself chance to grow and evolve into the person I was meant to be. I know you can do it, too jean.

(Hello to you needtostop - it's wonderful to have you here.)

blackgnat

Jean I've been asking myself the same questions lately. I think the answer is to stop drinking and live authentically.

I'm sure you are a good person and actions speak louder than words. Don't drink and you will be able to live like the good person you are. You won't have to regret any actions or words that were fuelled by drink-you might make mistakes, but they will be ones you own and not prompted by alcohol!

I'm gonna do my best to do the same, so I can wake up feeling sane, healthy and whole!

Best of luck to you! I'm right there with ya!