How can I forgive myself?
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
How can I forgive myself?
I posted elsewhere about my son and I who are both alcoholics. Since our last situation we have both been doing well-no alcohol since December 23 and my son has been going to a rehab program and getting a LOT out of it-really wanting to turn his life around, etc.
I have been taking xanax for anxiety and to get me through withdrawals. Friday I went to a friend's house, on xanax and for an absolutely inexplicable reason, drank. She urged me to stay over, but I drove home. Woke up the next day. My son was gone. I didn't remember anything so asked my other son what had happened.
Apparently I got home, drove (without purse or phone) to the bar across the street. I got in a fight (no injuries, maybe it was just verbal) and the cops brought me home. They said I was not in trouble but asked to see my son, who has a warrant out for his arrest. (He has a domestic battery charge against me-I am always the target for his rage when he is drinking. Last year he put me in the ICU with a bleed on the brain) Iknow-it's very unhealthy and I am in therapy learning to detach. We are very enmeshed. All my friends and family are scared for me but for some reason I only see the good in him when he is not drinking. He has been in jail several times for drink and drug related charges but has never really spent a great deal of time there. His diagnosis is bipolar but we both think he is more Borderline Personality Disorder-he has lots of those tendencies...
So they took him away. He is in jail and yesterday he called me to say they have upped the charges to a felony, which will mean prison time. I am so scared for him. He is a skinny little man, quite pretty and I fear he will be raped and beaten. All because I had a drink and blacked out. We were both doing so well and I have messed it up.
He feels he will never have a chance at a successful life and it truly seems like everything he does turns to ****.
How do I forgive myself for causing this situation? The police would have come after him anyway, but I accelerated the process. I know that lots of things I'm sayinfg are very dysfunctional but would someone give me the reality check that I so badly need?
I have been taking xanax for anxiety and to get me through withdrawals. Friday I went to a friend's house, on xanax and for an absolutely inexplicable reason, drank. She urged me to stay over, but I drove home. Woke up the next day. My son was gone. I didn't remember anything so asked my other son what had happened.
Apparently I got home, drove (without purse or phone) to the bar across the street. I got in a fight (no injuries, maybe it was just verbal) and the cops brought me home. They said I was not in trouble but asked to see my son, who has a warrant out for his arrest. (He has a domestic battery charge against me-I am always the target for his rage when he is drinking. Last year he put me in the ICU with a bleed on the brain) Iknow-it's very unhealthy and I am in therapy learning to detach. We are very enmeshed. All my friends and family are scared for me but for some reason I only see the good in him when he is not drinking. He has been in jail several times for drink and drug related charges but has never really spent a great deal of time there. His diagnosis is bipolar but we both think he is more Borderline Personality Disorder-he has lots of those tendencies...
So they took him away. He is in jail and yesterday he called me to say they have upped the charges to a felony, which will mean prison time. I am so scared for him. He is a skinny little man, quite pretty and I fear he will be raped and beaten. All because I had a drink and blacked out. We were both doing so well and I have messed it up.
He feels he will never have a chance at a successful life and it truly seems like everything he does turns to ****.
How do I forgive myself for causing this situation? The police would have come after him anyway, but I accelerated the process. I know that lots of things I'm sayinfg are very dysfunctional but would someone give me the reality check that I so badly need?
Last edited by blackgnat; 01-08-2012 at 06:40 AM. Reason: spelling errors
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
Wow - I can imagine your inner turmoil today.
Sounds like the xanax should go. And you need to get back to your plan for staying sober, whatever that was.
If there was a warrant out for your son, then it is not your fault that he has been apprehended. The violence is not something you should be living with. His problems and your problems may be feeding off each other to some extent.
Anyway, get some support for your own health and don't beat yourself up; think about it, and start back on your right path.
Sounds like the xanax should go. And you need to get back to your plan for staying sober, whatever that was.
If there was a warrant out for your son, then it is not your fault that he has been apprehended. The violence is not something you should be living with. His problems and your problems may be feeding off each other to some extent.
Anyway, get some support for your own health and don't beat yourself up; think about it, and start back on your right path.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 379
As dawnrunner said, this is NOT your fault. You are not responsible for your son's behaviour. He brought that on himself and if he has been charged with battery then he has to pay his due.
Blaming yourself will not change anything.
As said, you need to focus on your own well-being and he needs to focus on his. Perhaps this is the rock bottom that was needed for you both to accept things MUST change.
Use this incident as your turning point. Seek out the help you need and best wishes to both of you.
Blaming yourself will not change anything.
As said, you need to focus on your own well-being and he needs to focus on his. Perhaps this is the rock bottom that was needed for you both to accept things MUST change.
Use this incident as your turning point. Seek out the help you need and best wishes to both of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: KC MO
Posts: 980
I think the main thing that got me over the things I did while I was drinking was time. I did some things that just can't be fixed. The only thing I can do about it is to not drink. That way I don't wake up in the morning wishing what I'm thinking is just a nightmare. And I will wake up and it will go away.
As has been said. The law was looking for your son,and he would have been caught sooner or later anyway. If he has been going to rehab before this happened that will probably help. He might even be playing the felony card to make you feel bad, Who knows.
For me,when I quit. My sobriety was job #1. Nothing else mattered. Just don't drink and the rest will fall into place. I couldn't worry about anybody else but me. (That's all I was doing when I was drinking anyway). So it isn't selfish to think about only yourself when it comes to staying sober.
Time will heal this. The scars will always be there. But if you stay sober it won't happen again,and perhaps this will make you stronger.
Fred
As has been said. The law was looking for your son,and he would have been caught sooner or later anyway. If he has been going to rehab before this happened that will probably help. He might even be playing the felony card to make you feel bad, Who knows.
For me,when I quit. My sobriety was job #1. Nothing else mattered. Just don't drink and the rest will fall into place. I couldn't worry about anybody else but me. (That's all I was doing when I was drinking anyway). So it isn't selfish to think about only yourself when it comes to staying sober.
Time will heal this. The scars will always be there. But if you stay sober it won't happen again,and perhaps this will make you stronger.
Fred
once in a . . .
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
****{blackgnat}}}
YOU did NOT cause him to be arrested. HIS actions did that. NOT YOURS. What he did was HIS CHOICE. What will (or will not) happen to him is a result of HIS actions and is HIS consequences - NOT YOURS.
My husband + I were in a very similar situation not very long ago – please believe me when I say I know that this is breaking your heart. But it is SOOOOO not your fault. Truly!
Al-snon has helped me tremendously. It’s helped me let go of my guilt and shame and just plain sadness. It has helped me see things in a healthier perspective. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves an alcoholic.
Take care of YOU and be good to yourself! You're worth it!
Blue
YOU did NOT cause him to be arrested. HIS actions did that. NOT YOURS. What he did was HIS CHOICE. What will (or will not) happen to him is a result of HIS actions and is HIS consequences - NOT YOURS.
My husband + I were in a very similar situation not very long ago – please believe me when I say I know that this is breaking your heart. But it is SOOOOO not your fault. Truly!
Al-snon has helped me tremendously. It’s helped me let go of my guilt and shame and just plain sadness. It has helped me see things in a healthier perspective. I highly recommend it to anyone who loves an alcoholic.
Take care of YOU and be good to yourself! You're worth it!
Blue
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
I agree with the others - your sons arrest was for an outstanding warrent. You have no blame there.
I am worried about you tho blackgnat. I hope you'll look for support for yourself. Is rehab an option?
I came to forgive myself for my past eventually - but I had to stop the madness first, y'know?
take care of yourself - please find some help and support.
D
I am worried about you tho blackgnat. I hope you'll look for support for yourself. Is rehab an option?
I came to forgive myself for my past eventually - but I had to stop the madness first, y'know?
take care of yourself - please find some help and support.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
THX for all the replies! So helpful and realistic.
One theme that recurs, with replies here and with friends who know my situation is (and Dee, you said it...) what am I doing to help ME?
This is a major part of my problem-I don't even know what I want any more!
I have been so entrenched in what HIS future is that I have forgotten/negated what I want!
Is this a familiar feeling among any other enabler/codependents?
I honestly feel I need to be deprogrammed.
One theme that recurs, with replies here and with friends who know my situation is (and Dee, you said it...) what am I doing to help ME?
This is a major part of my problem-I don't even know what I want any more!
I have been so entrenched in what HIS future is that I have forgotten/negated what I want!
Is this a familiar feeling among any other enabler/codependents?
I honestly feel I need to be deprogrammed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Kansas City, Mo
Posts: 40
I think your son having to face the consequences of his actions could be the first step in him having some accountability for his actions...As for your personal problem with xanax, try your best to make the last time you took them your last...good luck to you and your family.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Until I got sober (and I'm using the "old time" definition of sober - "being of sane mind and sound judgment"), I don't think I was able to go through life without continuing to hurt ppl - even the people close to me, people I didn't want to go on hurting.
I, as you indicated, knew I needed some big changes in my life, in my thinking, in my tools for dealing with problems (and with life in general) - I needed a complete overhaul, it had to "work" and it had to last. That's what I found in AA. It's FAR more than a "not drinking program." --and thank God for that! I'm an alcoholic and I live with alcoholism.....and while drinking is A problem, it's not THE problem. "Not drinking/drugging," in and of itself, never felt all that great after a while and really didn't solve my alcoholISM problems - which I learned are a lot more than just drinking and were beyond MY ability to solve on my own with no-matter-how-much knowledge I had/gained.
This was one of the things I liked about AA's solution - I don't have to fix myself. I don't have to devote 100's (or 1000's) of hours to reprogramming myself. I don't have to figure everything out, change all my thinking, and turn myself into a new/better person. All that can and does happen though.....and it's really quite simple.
I, as you indicated, knew I needed some big changes in my life, in my thinking, in my tools for dealing with problems (and with life in general) - I needed a complete overhaul, it had to "work" and it had to last. That's what I found in AA. It's FAR more than a "not drinking program." --and thank God for that! I'm an alcoholic and I live with alcoholism.....and while drinking is A problem, it's not THE problem. "Not drinking/drugging," in and of itself, never felt all that great after a while and really didn't solve my alcoholISM problems - which I learned are a lot more than just drinking and were beyond MY ability to solve on my own with no-matter-how-much knowledge I had/gained.
This was one of the things I liked about AA's solution - I don't have to fix myself. I don't have to devote 100's (or 1000's) of hours to reprogramming myself. I don't have to figure everything out, change all my thinking, and turn myself into a new/better person. All that can and does happen though.....and it's really quite simple.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 13
Originally Posted by dawnrunner 
Wow - I can imagine your inner turmoil today.
Sounds like the xanax should go. And you need to get back to your plan for staying sober, whatever that was.
If there was a warrant out for your son, then it is not your fault that he has been apprehended. The violence is not something you should be living with. His problems and your problems may be feeding off each other to some extent.
Anyway, get some support for your own health and don't beat yourself up; think about it, and start back on your right path.
Sounds like the xanax should go. And you need to get back to your plan for staying sober, whatever that was.
If there was a warrant out for your son, then it is not your fault that he has been apprehended. The violence is not something you should be living with. His problems and your problems may be feeding off each other to some extent.
Anyway, get some support for your own health and don't beat yourself up; think about it, and start back on your right path.
I'm assuming the OP is taking Xanax (and possibly other meds) due to advice/recommendation from his/her doctor. IMO, to tell a person that you don't know, don't know his/her circumstances, don't know his/her medical history, that the "Xanax should go", is in my opinion, stepping out of bounds in regards to the bylaws of this site (giving medical advice). Whether the OP continues with Xanax or not, is a discussion he/she should be having with his/her prescribing doctor. Obviously the OP is on Xanax for a reason and that reason is not for you, me, or anyone else to decide or to try and figure out.
I am a medical profession myself. I would never suggest to a patient/friend or anyone that they stop taking medication that has been prescribed (again, assuming it has been perscribed), simply from reading a post on a forum. Stopping the medication abruptly could cause more harm than good.
Xanax is NOT a medication that a physcian will just simply stop. Most patients will need to be tapered off the drug over a period of time.
I suggest that the OP continues to take his/her meds as prescribed until his/her physcian says differently.
When people on these forums/sites start "playing doctor", we are heading to a danger zone.
A.M.L
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