Question about my AA meeting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 11
Question about my AA meeting
Hi All,
The chair of my local meeting brings his non alcoholic girlfriend to the meeting nearly every week. He thinks her presence is good for newcomers but I'm fairly certain that it makes them feel really uncomfortable and scares them off. They're both old and he's only been sober a few years and I don't think they realize it but they come across as really judgmental.
I've seen the looks on newcomers faces when she's introduced and the discomfort and wtf?? looks are really obvious to me. There is another old lady from Al anon that comes in too. I've seen newcomers come in when they're not there, then come back the following week when they are and then not come back at all. That scenario has happened 3 or 4 times now.
I've been attending this meeting for over a year and got sober there, I was ready to accept jesus as my personal saviour before I went in so nothing was going to scare me off but it did make me uncomfortable and still does. I'm not sure if it's just me, what do you guys think? Do you think having non alkies at an AA meeting might make newbies uncomfortable?
P.S. It's a small meeting, 5-8 people including the non alkies.
The chair of my local meeting brings his non alcoholic girlfriend to the meeting nearly every week. He thinks her presence is good for newcomers but I'm fairly certain that it makes them feel really uncomfortable and scares them off. They're both old and he's only been sober a few years and I don't think they realize it but they come across as really judgmental.
I've seen the looks on newcomers faces when she's introduced and the discomfort and wtf?? looks are really obvious to me. There is another old lady from Al anon that comes in too. I've seen newcomers come in when they're not there, then come back the following week when they are and then not come back at all. That scenario has happened 3 or 4 times now.
I've been attending this meeting for over a year and got sober there, I was ready to accept jesus as my personal saviour before I went in so nothing was going to scare me off but it did make me uncomfortable and still does. I'm not sure if it's just me, what do you guys think? Do you think having non alkies at an AA meeting might make newbies uncomfortable?
P.S. It's a small meeting, 5-8 people including the non alkies.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 411
Personally I don't think it's a particularly helpful practice, maybe you could propose at your next business meeting to switch to a closed-meeting format? Then you could focus on making newcomers more comfortable instead of your problems with the girlfriend.
GG
GG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
You want my opinion I think it's absolutely wrong, but then I'm no AA specialist per say. I know it would be an issue for me, even now, after I've been sober for a bit.
Unless she's an alcoholic herself, meetings are "anonymous" for a reason, the only prerequisite for attendance being a desire to quit drinking. A non alcoholic person simply has no desire to stop drinking, nor any need for assistance should they want to quit. Someone in a meeting who simply cannot relate to most of the things being shared... meh, that's not cool in my book. I fail to see the logic in bringing her along in the first place, beyond the possibility that this chairperson needs her there for his own moral support and is perhaps deflecting from that by suggesting it's "good for the group".
I could be entirely wrong here going by AA in the traditional sense, but if I was new and looking for a room full of understanding drunks, and proceeded to find a normie sitting around with nothing to offer I might perceive her presence as judgmental as well, which would certainly leave me feeling uncomfortable. Besides, if that's the case everyone should be able to bring an extra voice and warm body to meetings. Would dilute the intent of the meeting process if we all did it.
I'd bring it up at a business meeting and have no problem voicing my concerns over it. Again, JMHO.
Unless she's an alcoholic herself, meetings are "anonymous" for a reason, the only prerequisite for attendance being a desire to quit drinking. A non alcoholic person simply has no desire to stop drinking, nor any need for assistance should they want to quit. Someone in a meeting who simply cannot relate to most of the things being shared... meh, that's not cool in my book. I fail to see the logic in bringing her along in the first place, beyond the possibility that this chairperson needs her there for his own moral support and is perhaps deflecting from that by suggesting it's "good for the group".
I could be entirely wrong here going by AA in the traditional sense, but if I was new and looking for a room full of understanding drunks, and proceeded to find a normie sitting around with nothing to offer I might perceive her presence as judgmental as well, which would certainly leave me feeling uncomfortable. Besides, if that's the case everyone should be able to bring an extra voice and warm body to meetings. Would dilute the intent of the meeting process if we all did it.
I'd bring it up at a business meeting and have no problem voicing my concerns over it. Again, JMHO.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
If your meeting is designated as an open meeting, then anyone is welcome. If it designated as a closed meeting, then only those who have a desire to quit drinking should attend. As twelvesteps, pointed out you can request that the designation be changed. That may or may not happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 11
Just to be clear, I'm not asking what to do about it. I'm asking if my views are reasonable. That is, is it reasonable for me to see the regular presence of non alkies at my meeting as the reason some newcomers over the last year have not come back, and why some members from other meetings stay away.
It's a fairly weak meeting and I'm the youngest at 27, the rest are all old men and they don't listen to me. The chair is one of the rudest people I've ever met and is very rigid and inflexible. So I'm not taking the question of closing the meeting to the group, I'm sure he'd see the meeting fold before it's closed to his girlfriend.
It's a fairly weak meeting and I'm the youngest at 27, the rest are all old men and they don't listen to me. The chair is one of the rudest people I've ever met and is very rigid and inflexible. So I'm not taking the question of closing the meeting to the group, I'm sure he'd see the meeting fold before it's closed to his girlfriend.
Last edited by Spinosus; 01-03-2012 at 01:31 AM. Reason: Jumped the gun on my age, I'm not 28 yet lol.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Between Meetings
Posts: 8,997
Here is my view...I go to meetings to listen and talk about recovery....If something there is bothering my recovery...I find a different meeting. I have one now that I like...And that makes me want to go there. The one you describe...Sounds like a drag to me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Singapore
Posts: 737
Originally Posted by Spinosus 
Just to be clear, I'm not asking what to do about it. I'm asking if my views are reasonable. That is, is it reasonable for me to see the regular presence of non alkies at my meeting as the reason some newcomers over the last year have not come back, and why some members from other meetings stay away.
It's a fairly weak meeting and I'm the youngest at 27, the rest are all old men and they don't listen to me. The chair is one of the rudest people I've ever met and is very rigid and inflexible. So I'm not taking the question of closing the meeting to the group, I'm sure he'd see the meeting fold before it's closed to his girlfriend.
It's a fairly weak meeting and I'm the youngest at 27, the rest are all old men and they don't listen to me. The chair is one of the rudest people I've ever met and is very rigid and inflexible. So I'm not taking the question of closing the meeting to the group, I'm sure he'd see the meeting fold before it's closed to his girlfriend.
And btw, yes, I think your view is reasonable in this case.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Texas, a state of mind
Posts: 380
The outsider seems to be only part of the problem with this meeting. If they aren't listening to you, there are only such a few of them, and at least one doesn't have a clue, can you possibly find another meeting?
For about 2 months I attended a meeting where there were very few women and a bunch of loud confident guys who completely ignored us. I used that meeting as an excuse to relapse for quite a stretch of time. Don't be like me!
For about 2 months I attended a meeting where there were very few women and a bunch of loud confident guys who completely ignored us. I used that meeting as an excuse to relapse for quite a stretch of time. Don't be like me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Well, you don't know why the newcomers didn't come back, unless you asked them. Many don't come back, for lots of reasons.
If you don't like that meeting don't go back, or... try to make a change.
I'm not crazy about regular attendance by non alcoholics at meetings. Something, well, I just don't get it really. One guy at my meeting brings his wife... I like them both and she never shares but is always friendly and I have just accepted her... if that's what it takes for this guy... and she isn't there for the closed meetings.
Whatever works... You are not being unreasonable, BTW.
If you don't like that meeting don't go back, or... try to make a change.
I'm not crazy about regular attendance by non alcoholics at meetings. Something, well, I just don't get it really. One guy at my meeting brings his wife... I like them both and she never shares but is always friendly and I have just accepted her... if that's what it takes for this guy... and she isn't there for the closed meetings.
Whatever works... You are not being unreasonable, BTW.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
She doesn't have to be an alcoholic to attend AA - check Tradition 3.
If you've got an issue with it, bring it up to the group (preferably at a group conscience meeting. If the group doesn't hold those regularly, you should bring it up to the person in question.
If it's still bothering you, there's a problem inside of you - it's a resentment and resentments are THE number one reason alcoholics of my type go back out drinking. We have a handful of steps to handle our resentments. So, in a way, it's good that you've been going to that meeting because it's led to you identifying that you're off the spiritual beam in that area......and now you can address it and recover from it as well.
FWIW, if you want advice from ppl with a lot of positive experience in/with AA....and with handling AA-related problems, you'll get the best results posting in the 12-Step section of the forum.
If you've got an issue with it, bring it up to the group (preferably at a group conscience meeting. If the group doesn't hold those regularly, you should bring it up to the person in question.
If it's still bothering you, there's a problem inside of you - it's a resentment and resentments are THE number one reason alcoholics of my type go back out drinking. We have a handful of steps to handle our resentments. So, in a way, it's good that you've been going to that meeting because it's led to you identifying that you're off the spiritual beam in that area......and now you can address it and recover from it as well.
FWIW, if you want advice from ppl with a lot of positive experience in/with AA....and with handling AA-related problems, you'll get the best results posting in the 12-Step section of the forum.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 11
Thanks to those who answered my question. Good to know that it is not just me. It is an open meeting but I'm not going to do anything about it. I know one newcomer who made contact with AA didn't come in because of the regular attendance of the girlfriend and I suggested closing the meeting and the suggestion was rudely brushed off. I'd go to another meeting but I don't have transport. And thanks to Day Trader, there definitely are some resentments, mainly toward myself because I let him walk over me too much. Just wanted to know if my thinking on this was unreasonable or not. Cheers.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado Prairie
Posts: 1,417
I'm asking if my views are reasonable. That is, is it reasonable for me to see the regular presence of non alkies at my meeting as the reason some newcomers over the last year have not come back, and why some members from other meetings stay away.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Call intergroup for a ride to another meeting.
What are you adding to the meeting?
page 417 of the bb, 4th printing on acceptance.
if you have a concern, be proactive via group conscience & by 10th or 4th stepping the situation to find your part in this.
best wishes,
What are you adding to the meeting?
page 417 of the bb, 4th printing on acceptance.
if you have a concern, be proactive via group conscience & by 10th or 4th stepping the situation to find your part in this.
best wishes,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I do understand your concerns. I'm leery of any meeting that is ruled by an authoritarian figure. That's not something I see in my meetings. That said, an open meeting is just that. Be glad you don't have students from a local psych institute or something sitting there taking notes.
One of my meetings is at a local hospital, and part of the deal in using their facilities is to allow residents to sit in. No big deal. If they can't handle the swearing and laughing and bawdy jokes, it's their problem.
I do find that anytime I have a resentment or an attitude about someone or something, it's pretty certain that it's an issue within me, and not the other person or thing.
I'm sorry you don't have any other meeting option. My Golden Rule is to face any situation I find disturbing or someone who is disturbing me with humility and kindness (which I adhere to, like, 10 percent of the time) but it does work.
Good luck! I understand your hesitancy to make waves...I wouldn't...and sorry this meeting messes with your serenity. I, like others, doubt the girlfriend affects newcomers. Does she share? Or just sit there supporting the master of ceremonies?
One of my meetings is at a local hospital, and part of the deal in using their facilities is to allow residents to sit in. No big deal. If they can't handle the swearing and laughing and bawdy jokes, it's their problem.
I do find that anytime I have a resentment or an attitude about someone or something, it's pretty certain that it's an issue within me, and not the other person or thing.
I'm sorry you don't have any other meeting option. My Golden Rule is to face any situation I find disturbing or someone who is disturbing me with humility and kindness (which I adhere to, like, 10 percent of the time) but it does work.
Good luck! I understand your hesitancy to make waves...I wouldn't...and sorry this meeting messes with your serenity. I, like others, doubt the girlfriend affects newcomers. Does she share? Or just sit there supporting the master of ceremonies?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,126
I do understand your concerns. I'm leery of any meeting that is ruled by an authoritarian figure. That's not something I see in my meetings. That said, an open meeting is just that. Be glad you don't have students from a local psych institute or something sitting there taking notes.
One of my meetings is at a local hospital, and part of the deal in using their facilities is to allow residents to sit in. No big deal. If they can't handle the swearing and laughing and bawdy jokes, it's their problem.
I do find that anytime I have a resentment or an attitude about someone or something, it's pretty certain that it's an issue within me, and not the other person or thing.
I'm sorry you don't have any other meeting option. My Golden Rule is to face any situation I find disturbing or someone who is disturbing me with humility and kindness (which I adhere to, like, 10 percent of the time) but it does work.
Good luck! I understand your hesitancy to make waves...I wouldn't...and sorry this meeting messes with your serenity. I, like others, doubt the girlfriend affects newcomers. Does she share? Or just sit there supporting the master of ceremonies?
One of my meetings is at a local hospital, and part of the deal in using their facilities is to allow residents to sit in. No big deal. If they can't handle the swearing and laughing and bawdy jokes, it's their problem.
I do find that anytime I have a resentment or an attitude about someone or something, it's pretty certain that it's an issue within me, and not the other person or thing.
I'm sorry you don't have any other meeting option. My Golden Rule is to face any situation I find disturbing or someone who is disturbing me with humility and kindness (which I adhere to, like, 10 percent of the time) but it does work.
Good luck! I understand your hesitancy to make waves...I wouldn't...and sorry this meeting messes with your serenity. I, like others, doubt the girlfriend affects newcomers. Does she share? Or just sit there supporting the master of ceremonies?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Pinkcuda
I'm trying to find the word. Unreasonable isn't the word I'm looking for but your perception as to why people don't stick around may be inaccurate. An old saying. "We come to AA by the hundreds and leave by the 99s". I wish I had a dollar for everyone that said they'd be back but never surface again. We have Alanons, wives and a couple of dogs in my group. It hasn't deterred anyone either. There isn't really any one reason people don't come back. They just don't. Actually they do come back. Some come back in a week and some people come back in a few years. Some never make it back at all. I think it was somewhere between 18 and 20 years between my first and second meeting. The reason I took so long is because I didn't want to quit drinking. Nothing more.
I've been to other meetings where other men have bought their wives and girlfriends and I think it's weird, but I think it's for the benefit of the wives and girlfriends understanding. And they don't come across as judgmental and patronizing. In this situation I think it's for the chairs benefit, I think he needs her approval. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not good for the meeting. I'm just trying to figure out how much of it is just me, and whether I should do something about it, or just leave.
At this point I've been to about 20 different meetings and this is one of if not the worst I've been to. It's good when she's not there though. But I'm not sure if it's just me, because the other two local regulars don't seem to mind. I think one regular from a neighbouring meeting does and I'll talk to him when he gets back from holidays, he's been around for about 30 years so will have some good advice I'm sure.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Tasmania
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by sugarbear1
What are you adding to the meeting?
I'll look into a ride with a guy who goes over to neighbouring meetings. I should be doing that anyway but I've let my fear asking for help take over and haven't rang him for months. As fortune would have it today is wednesday today so he may be going over tonight.
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