NickCFC

I would like to make an excuse and say that I had some logical reason to do this to myself but I didn't. Nothing happened. I just started drinking. One thing led to another before the end of the night I was coked out of my mind and fall over drunk.

I woke up and all I could think was "dear God, no..... no no no no" and I'm right here again.

7 months ago I went into rehab and almost died from alcoholism/withdrawal. My vitamin d level was 3, I wasn't eating and drinking so much the alcohol had actually started damaging my nerves I don't remember what the condition was called but I had all kinds of horrible pains, and I had to do the whole roll around sweating crying for a week thing. Most horrible experience of my entire life and I swore I would never go through it again.

I'm posting here because I guess I don't know where else to post. I can't talk to my family because they would be absolutely devastated. They were so proud of me for being able to stop.....

I've never been so ashamed and scared, at the same time, in my entire life. All I can think about was how horrible the withdrawal was..... and I just can't go through that again.

Dee74

Hi Nick

I'm sorry you faltered, but I think beating yourself over it is a waste of energy.

That energy's far better put to thinking about what you need to do to now - what do you need to add to what you've been doing? do you need more support for example?

I don't know whether 'family' for you is parents, or wife and children, but depending on your situation maybe you need to think about whether telling your family might actually be a good thing?

Maybe they need to be involved in this too - I dunno. Your call.

Personally I found trying to keep secrets was an added burden I didn't need to bear.

I recommend seeing a Dr too if you're worried about withdrawal

I know you'll find a lot of help and encouragement here - welcome
D

MycoolFitz

I did 6 months, six months seven months. I can't tell you how to feel but would suggest unless the world ends tomorrow which it might you have all the time to make it right. Please don't hate yourself your time was powerful

NickCFC

Thanks. I don't want to drink anymore something in my head just snapped. I can't explain it. I'm disgusted by the idea of drinking but I'm scared that this relapse has put me right back to square one as far as the addiction/withdrawal goes.

That's my main concern right now.

ForeverDecember

Hi Nick, what a horrible situation to be in. Your post reminded me of the dreams I wake up from when I've been drinking, but it was real.

That being said - you've come straight to SR, and you're still committed to sobriety. I don't know what caused your relapse, but it's done now. I hope you don't beat yourself up over it too much, as we all know where the path of self-hatred leads...

If I were you I'd be following Dee's advice. Examine the problem (what led you to drink - not enough support? An unexpected trigger? etc), and address those issues. Perhaps see a counsellor to talk it over, if you can't talk to your family yet.

Also, hang around here, there's a lot of great advice in these forums.

Keep strong.

neferkamichael

Dont quit, dont give up. Youll make it. Happy New Year.

rws177

I have been there before and know exactly what you are going through, at least I think I do. I've been to rehab before too and have done the rolling around crying thing and withdraws. I was sober for over a year and had a relapse. The next day and weeks to come I felt so full of guilt and shame it was almost unbearable. In fact I posted about it on here and may go back to read it at it might strengthen my sobriety.

The good thing is the relapse was for one night and that was around 10 months ago. Anytime I want to drink I try to take myself back to those feelings. Dust yourself off and get back to recovery. Today is a new day and technically a new year! You can do this.

artsoul

Welcome Nick!

I wished I hadn't relapsed either (this is my third time in sobriety) but it sure did teach me the insanity of thinking I could "just have one or two" and that I need to stay in touch with other alcoholics. It also led me here, where I can get support anytime, night or day.

I think you'll like it here too - it's a great place! And those 7 months of sobriety still count for a lot, so give yourself some points over on the positive side......

oak

Welcome Nick,
I can relate to what you wrote. I'm glad you found SR. I hope connecting to the community here helps.

You sound committed to sobriety again. Like others said, I'd encourage you to look at the triggers, and find ways to avoid or deal with the triggers differently in the future. (a trigger might have been just being around alcohol and coke. or another 'trigger' could be feeling 'safe from addiction' and complacent, like assuming it will never happen again. Or not being connected to a recovery community.)

Take care! Be gentle with yourself!

NickCFC

Thank you so much for all of your kind words. I did not go out tonight for new years and just flat out didn't answer my phone.

Made 100 percent sure I wouldnt slip up like I did. For those of you who have been through this, and this may be an extremely stupid question but this is the first time this has happened to me: After you relapse do you go back 100 percent where you were? In terms of the physical addiction, need for it, withdrawals, etc? I have heard that "drink/use one time and you have to start all over" stuff for so long now.

I'm trying my best to hang in there. It's tough. I am very disgusted though which is a positive I just need to try to use this negativity for some form of positive.

Someone hit the nail on the head with the "think you can have one or two" thing because that's precisely how I bullshitted myself. The stupidity involved there is mind boggling.

Now I know I just can't dip my feet in the pool like some people. I'm either swimming or I'm not. I have no inbetween with alcohol and drugs unfortunately.

Sapling

None of us do....

NickCFC

:-(

rws177

My addiction was drinking and not drugs. I felt like crap for about a week after my one night relapse with drinking. However it was nothing like the crazy withdraws I experianced when I first got sober in a rehab center. Mentally I just had to accept the fact that I scewed up, ask myself what led to that first drink and vowed to not let it happen again. Once again time is starting to fix things and I'm moving forward. I think it's great you stayed in tonight on new years. It shows that you don't want to let one mistake lead you back into that hellish cycle of living again.

NickCFC

Thanks for that. Yeah the mental aspect of it is just horrible. It's like throwing a bomb into your brain.

Sapling

Yeah...You can't beat yourself up on it...Learn from it and do it better this time...Nothing in God's world happens by mistake.

dawnrunner

I can so relate to the oddly random feeling of the choice to drink or drug again, after a long and happy stretch of sobriety.

The thing is: It isn't really random. I believe that a relapse can be seen coming, and headed off at the pass, if we get more aware of the precursors. There's a good book called Staying Sober: A Guide for Relapse Prevention (Gorski & Miller) that has helped me pick up on some warning signs.

At any rate, there's no better time for a fresh start than the beginning of a new year. Do not let yourself drop into self-loathing - a big red flag for continued using. As others have said, give yourself credit for 7 months of sobriety and the earned good will of your family. Those are significant achievements of which to be proud. You can build on that in strength.

I wish you the best of health and sanity in 2012.

keithj

Howdy, Nick. Your post describes a very, very, common occurrence with alcoholics. This is a great opportunity to face some of the fallacies that you have been hearing. I had similar times that I could not understand. It baffled me. Why, with full knowledge of the really horrible physical scare or legal consequence I just faced, would I ever pick up a drink again?

I had to ask myself, why did I just get this strange idea that picking up a drink would be OK for me? A couple of chapters in the BB describe situations exactly like this. Why did you relapse? I know for me, there were times when I felt justified by some petty resentment or some stress or anxiety or some thing to celebrate. But there were other times where I couldn't find a reason. I just picked up a drink and away I went. Those chapters described me exactly. They conclude that oftentimes the guy really has no idea why they picked up a drink. It's simply summed up as a 'mental obsession'. The tricky part about an alcoholic mental obsession, is that it doesn't feel like an obsession. I was never thinking about a drink all day, couldn't get my mind of it. Instead, I was just like you, happily going about my day, 7 months without a drink, thinking I was doing just great.

I picked up a drink those times because I'm an alcoholic. Unlike what you may hear and what you may believe, alcoholism does not get better with time away from a drink. 7 months of not drinking does not cure alcoholism.

If you're willing to give it a look, I think you'll see yourself described in those chapters of the BB. If that's the case, you may want to consider the solution that worked for others of a similar description.

Zebra1275

Welone to SR!

Lots of good advice here, stick around SR that can make a difference. Are you involved in an aftercare program following your rehab? AA?

desertsong

When I relapsed, I was also ashamed, guilt-ridden and disgusted with myself. And I hated the prospect of having to go through detox and withdrawals again to get sober again. But this might sound weird ... in some ways, I was grateful for the relapse because boy oh boy did it teach me something about myself. First,

1. It taught me that I truly am an alcoholic.
2. It taught me that for an alcoholic there is no such thing as being able to be happy with just "one or two." Those one or two will ALWAYS lead to 5, 8, 10, or more. Once we start, we just can't stop.
3. Alcohol is not worth the grief, disgust, and other horrible emotions we feel about ourselves when we wake up in the morning feeling like we've been run over by a truck.
4. Alcohol is not worth the things we have to give up in our lives in order to continue being controlled by it. We are slaves to it.
5. Alcohol is not our friend. No real friend would cause the pain and loss that alcohol does.
6. I know now that I can never have another drink. I tested the boundaries last time I relapsed ... and I lost. I can never do that again. Not even one sip.

The good news is that you've already done 7 months and you can do it again and beyond. Get back into AA, get back into reading the BB, and get some good, sober friends behind you, including this group at SR. It can be done. It WILL be done. There are all kinds of examples of that here in SR and everyone here will support you.

Best of luck to you.

DayTrader

Been there.... I've heard it called "being struck drunk." It was the same for me too...no problems in life, nothing "happened," no "triggers"......just, like in a dream, I'd start to drink. For this sort of drinking - I knew......there's just no defense. How do you remember how bad it was before if those memories don't even come to mind at the time? How do you think through the drink and see where it'll take you if you don't have that ability at the time?

And if I just drank for no reason, without a second thought, almost as if every bit of desire I had to "stay stopped" NEVER existed.......how the hell am I going to stay sober for the rest of my life????

Big questions, ya know? I'm no dummy, I knew there was only one answer for someone who drank like me. I needed something to protect me from me. I needed some power that I didn't have. I needed a shield around me 24/7 that I didn't have to consciously remember to carry and use. And like Keith said, I needed a complete change in my head. I needed to be a different person or I'd continue to do the same crap I was already doing in spite of not wanting to.

AA has 75+ years of providing a simple way to get exactly what I needed - a complete overhaul. No triggers to avoid, no worrying about what others are doing or drinking around me, no more worry about being "struck drunk" again, just follow the program that, lol......a lot of other "dopes" seem to be able to do, and my life hasn't changed for anything but the better in every area I can think of since I got started.

Did you really ******** yourself or did a cunning, baffling and powerful disease, like maybe alcoholism, just do what it's been doing to millions for 1000's of years? - let you think you had a choice in the matter / let you think you have a good defense (so you do nothing different this time....so it can come back for another round down the road).