blackgnat

I have posted before about my son who is an alcoholic, as am I. He recently went on a bender which resulted in my calling the police and he went to detox. He got out on Wednsday, with the understanding that he could come home but that he would be starting an outpatient program the following day and that he would keep calling rehab facilities for vacancies. We made a pact that we would not drink . Everything seemed fine.

Friday I drank. I picked him up and told him I'd been drinking. He was crushed. I then went to a friend's house (I'm housesitting ) and while I was gone he got a bottle of Jack Daniels and proceeded to drink it all. He is asleep now. Xmas is going to be horrible. He just got out of all this and because of my stupidity and weakness, he is going to start the horrible cycle all over again. I feel so depressed. Xmas had a chance to be happy and I have just screwed it up.

Please give me some words of comfort or advice or anything-I deserve to be roasted because I know my actions were unforgivable...

Jeff63

I don't understand why he drank because you did? And you know this for you and your son, you didn't cause it, YOU CANNOT CONTROL HIM, and you CANNOT CURE him! You and he are mutually exclusive events.

And you drinking, well yeah, that's bad. But it happens, don't beat yourself up over it. Just stop today. Only worry about today.

I don't know your situation or you personally, but from this post, I know you are trying and that you care about your son. So, take solace on that.

Make it a sober Christmas.

P.S. I am here for support and help as well, it's not my place to judge

onlythetruth

blackgnat: I don't think you deserve to be roasted at all. I think you have an opportunity to learn from this experience, as does your son. But I have a couple of questions--reserved for you, since your son isn't part of the discussion right now.

First: Have you made a firm commitment to stop drinking?
Second: If so, have you made a plan for what to do when the inevitable happens...cravings, triggers, etc?

langkah

You learned something about the value of sobriety oaths taken with great intentions, so not a total loss. Also about how well it works when we make sobriety conditional, and how our expectations regarding how others will perform work out.

You learned the value of threats of bad things happening in keeping anyone sober, and whether the strength of love can overcome alcoholism.

All good stuff. If you learned all that.

If you do it again then it just means those lessons remain to be learned later on.

Would be cool if you both got sober...I'd suggest different meetings for each of you, so you'll be able to talk more freely about what's been going on.

Deserto

I agree with what other have said, but would emphasize that this is why pacts with others to not drink are generally not a good idea.

I'm not trying to beat you up for that -- I agree, take it easy on yourself -- but I think it's an important lesson not to be overlooked.

It's good to support each other in not drinking, but pacts give the other person an excuse to throw in the towel when the other slips, as you've seen. I'd renegotiate how you're going to support your son -- but remember, your sobriety has to come first.

FT

Blackgnat,

As long as you continue to define yourself as weak and stupid, you have just given yourself permission to drink and eff-up. It is a self-definition, you know?

You are NOT weak. You are NOT stupid. You are strong and intelligent and have, of your own free will, made bad choices.

Quit beating yourself up and take a stand, maybe for the first time in a long time. Sometimes alcoholism and drug abuse are a self fulfilled prophecy. Look around this forum and count how often people label themselves as weak, stupid, powerless, "bad" by many definitions.

None of us are "bad" by nature. Own up to your self definition and realize where the drinking is really coming from. As long as you believe you are a weak, stupid, and powerless human being, you are going to do what people who are weak, stupid, and powerless do -- they succumb to any and all urges that come down the pike.

It's time for a little introspection. Sometimes counseling helps. Getting with other people, like AA, often helps. But, ultimately, it is YOU who needs to fix your head and quit this beating yourself up crap.

This is said with love, and I hope you and your son will have a Happy Christmas.

FT

LiveLikeGold6

My mother is an alcoholic as am I. Never in a million years would a pact between us to stop drinking work. Even though I want to help her with her addiction as she is far far more entrenched in this disease than I am, I know that there's nothing I can do to make her stop. I can drive myself crazy talking to her about it and trying to convince her what she is doing to herself and that there's a better way, but until she truly desires in her own heart that she wants to be sober more than anything else, those words go in one ear and out the other.

And meanwhile, while my face is turning blue because I can't get her to see that she needs to change NOW, I don't even have 100% commitment to my own sobriety. So, you see, I can only really make a change in my life. And she can really only make a change in hers. I admire you for wanting to quit but you need to focus on your own sobriety and giving it your 100% commitment. Thats the best thing you can do for yourself and your son. Merry Christmas.

Dee74

Hi blackgnat

Some great advice here
I understand you wanting to beat yourself up, but it's pointless really. It's done.

He drank - it's not your fault. If he continues that's not your fault either.

He may use your behaviour as an excuse, just as I did with ppl in my life many times, but noone else ever really made me drink....ever.

I really hope he'll do the right thing now, actively seek some help and stop

The only pact that really counted in the end was the one I made with myself, blackgnat.

It's hard enough taking responsibility for own own recovery without taking on responsibility for someone else's too.

Its a hard lesson but a really important one - focus on yourself and your own journey, and let your son find his own way too.

Each of you should be responsible for your own destiny

I hope you'll both find success

D

sugarbear1

I guess it's time to find two rehabs. Support yourself & he may follow! Both of you can stop the cycle!

blackgnat

Just checked in after the holiday to find all of your fantastic replies! Thank you all so much.

What happened was that the day I posted, he sobered up and we talked and both decided how horrible it was to start the cycle again. Also that I was not responsible for his deciding to take up again. Neither of us has had a drink since then-only day 3, but a journey of a thousand miles, and all that...

I absolutely need to take my own sobriety seriously. I gave up for 16 years and started again 8 years ago. As of July, after some tests, I discovered that I have both fatty liver and alcoholic hepatitis. Even this horror has not stopped me drinking fairly consistently. I know it's time...

My son went back to his outpatient program this morning. I DO take the point about making a pact. We have a lot to work on and I am currently in therapy to address my codependence and addiction issues.

Thanks to all for the wonderful advice and support-lots of food for thought! Happy New Year to all.

BlueMoon

I am the only one who can make me drink.

Blue

Dee74

thats wonderful news blackgnat - I'm glad for your both

D