checkmate1

Once more I had a drink last night. Woke up to crippling panic attacks. The first beer after a week sober was strange I hated the taste of the beer but pushed through it and continued. I didn't really get a good buzz it was more of a spaced out feeling which continued until the hangover left me at about 11am today. I feel fine now but the thinking of going through this again is just stupidity and crazy. I felt weird on the booze don't think I can or want to go through this again. The hangover today was almost unbearable, the anxiety so bad that I doubt I can put myself through another binge. When do you know when this is the last time? As the title says I feel guilty and ashamed of myself especially the anxiety the next morning is to much to bear. I've had enough. There is nowhere left to turn now sobriety is my only choice now.

Sapling

Good choice...You've been around this site...I find it interesting that so many people here with the same problem have solved it in different ways...Different programs...Different books...In groups...By themselves. But they all seem to have found some way to recover....I suggest you pick one of those you like...And put the effort into it like your life depended on it...Because it does. Ask questions...Read...Do what you have to do....But don't talk about it....Do it! Give yourself that for a Christmas present...From you...To you!

langkah

'I believe there are many ways to get and stay sober other than surrendering to a recovery program.'

Seems like instead of surrendering to a recovery program you should instead choose and do one of those many ways to get sober.

Save surrendering to a recovery program for later on when you're a little more clear about how well the many ways to get sober will work out for you. Get busy on them to cut the timeframe for your suffering.

onlythetruth

Exactly what I said to myself the day I quit drinking!

aasharon90

A taste of sobriety always screws up ones drinking career.

Viginti

Well there is your answer

I suffer from panic attacks and depression. The depression didn't really kick in until I stopped the alcohol. I stopped the alcohol because of the panic attacks. I simply couldn't live the way I was living and it sounds like you're at the point now.

My honest suggestion to you is to make an appointment with your doctor. Be honest with them about your drinking, your panic attacks and anxiety. They can help.

I haven't been sober for very long (19 days) but I know where you're coming from because I've been to a very similar place myself. That place sucks like no other.

bozboz

Me too!

FT

Hey checkmate1,

Hey. I've been waiting for you.

Don't drink today, dude.

It gets lonely around here without you.

FT

Deserto

Checkmate did you ever start seeing that counselor you mentioned a few weeks ago?

What's the plan for staying quit?

I also said I'd had enough about a thousand times before I quit. Saying I'd had enough wasn't enough. I needed a plan. What's yours?

Itchy

I used everything for my personal recovery program. Docs, in hospital detox, AA, secular, books and SMART, counseling, RET, and family friends.

Now, a year and some months later, (I stopped counting Sep 21 2010 if it is important to anybody)

I stopped everything but here at SR at about the three month point. I still had Paws and the docs pretty much had a handle on what was left.

I had enough and started out as never again period. No more alcohol or smokes (I quit a 3 pack a day habit, why waste a perfectly good detox on only one of two poisons?) I am over 50 and had decades of both.

I really liked Sapling's post. Don't let anyone tell you not to go with a program, or to tell you to go with one. I believe in trying them all honestly and then leaving behind what you don't need anymore. So I was doing many things and keeping safe. I did not do AA exactly the way some do, nor the others. But I experienced each and found them each to have something I could use. I did experience dogma from a couple of programs that seemed to think their way is the only way. Take what you can use and leave the rest. No one ideology has worked for all, and some have worked where others did not for some, and some still drink not making any changes but just showing up.

No one gets sober by joining. They get sober by doing. Others have also said that they seemed to flip a switch in their heads like I did, where I did not need the hope or fear of never drinking again to be a question mark. I did not need to debate terms/definitions/fallacies and weaknesses of anybody else and their recovery beliefs. I did not want alcohol or tobacco in my life at all forever. I did not need a day at a time, in fact that worked against me for years because I could not get a day! I made arrangements for in hospital detox, the only way I could get a start safely on my sobriety forever, got free of the toxins in my body, had a follow on 28 day rehab that I did not need and quit after three days or four I forget. It was docs/SR/AA for three months and now just here.

My way isn't for anybody else. Nor do I recommend anybody take anything away from my posts except what they can use, and leave the rest.

If it works for you DO IT! Don't try anything! Do everything you can and then drop what does not fit you. Sheesh we try on a pair of jeans because the fit isn't right with every pair right?

One size fits all, of that one size. Thank goodness for different sizes.

SixStringZen

The trick is to remember this once you feel better...

Zebra1275

Going to AA meetings helps me to remember how miserable drinking is for me. Left to my own devices I will eventually forget I'm powerless over alcohol and decide to "just have a beer" with my steak dinner. After all, I've worked hard and deserve it.

For me, I need to remember that diet coke is better than a micro brew.

Hevyn

Hi checkmate. That's the point I reached, too - after a lifetime of falling back on my crutch. I had to admit it never took me where I wanted to go in the end. I kept seeking the old euphoria, but it was nowhere to be found. As you said, no buzz - just an odd spacey feeling - I remember it well! Never again.

checkmate1

Well I feel good today Christmas day is my day 2. It is the day where I'm going to say NO MORE. NO MORE disgracing myself, feeling regretfull, feeling sorry. Today I start my journey away from the dark place. I can do it I've done it before. There is no more second guessing no more just 1 more time. Going to give this all I've got. There is no reason that I shouldn't feel good everyday or at least most days I wake up. I've had enough NO MORE excuses as I know I'm good at making them. NO MORE doubt of what will happen this time around. The only thing I can do is man up and say that alcohol is ruining this life and now that I'm still in tact will start to gain my self respect back and prove to myself and my family I have more to offer this world than an empty beer glass. Merry Christmas to all and thanks for your time in posting it was very heplfull thankyou.

irab

If you have panic attacks, depression,and alcoholism

You need to see an addictionologist

Panic Attacks and depresion can be treated with non-addictng medication ( except for xanax which is highly addicting ) for panic disorder.

OR - you just may be having alcohol withdrawal effects - which can also be treated with meds.

In either case you need to see a physician who specializes in this.

joeclayvowell

I know what you mean about the anxiety and panic attacks the day after binging, It is extremely painful and difficult to get through. I also often ask myself when will I know when Ive had enough, when next time I may die from the withdrawals, it is a scary thought.

bmwcycle

Good Luck!!!

Zencat

It wasn't the last time that I understood that there will be a possibility of another last time. Then after that I began to see that is wasn't about last times but new times to change. New times after new times I changed, if for a little better. Then new again I become more renewed, changing bit by bit better and better.

The last will come for me. When I lay dead cold in my grave. Until then I will change bit by bit. Some times better than the last, other times, less that my best.